How specific are you when teaching your DC manners?

[Rainallnight]

I think I’m doing ok with teaching DC manners but something happened yesterday which made me pause.

We were out for a special treat day for DD, and brought her best friend (6). It was an activity, lunch out and then a little present from a shop. Friend asked for two or more of everything. Can I have two of {what we were having for lunch}? Can you buy me two {presents from the shop}? And so on. It was really quite grating.

But it occurred to me, I’ve never told DD not to do that. We’ve talked about please, thank you, being kind, turn taking, etc but not asking for more and more has just never entered my head (and I would cringe if she was doing this).

So - what else might I not have told her?

And how specific are you when teaching your DC manners?

I suppose a lot of things only come up as and when. If you give a list of rules out of context she won't understand.

Manners are a big deal in our house as they were when I was growing up.. my kids have had many friends the same as your daughter's friend.. I think it natural to chance your arm at that age. I would be embarrassed to think of either of my children doing that though..
I always taught them clean up after yourself when at a friend's house don't leave any mess for your friend..

If it hasn't come up as an issue with your DD then I wouldn't worry. She either isn't naturally someone who asks for more lots or you have modelled it without thinking about it.

I imagine the asking for two isn’t a new thing and she probably gets away with it at home.
If your DD did this when it was just you, how would you react?

Would it be two for someone at home? One little friend who comes here wants one of everything for mum ?

Good question, @Bettybantz. If it was food, I’d say that too much of X wasn’t healthy and she’d had enough. If it was something like a present, I’d probably tell her to appreciate what she’d just been given.

I could see her maybe doing it with food, because she’s very food oriented. But I really don’t think she’d do it with a little present or anything else anyone was buying her. She does tend just to be really pleased and into anything she’d given like that. Maybe @BendingSpoons is right there. But it still makes me wonder what else I might have missed.

@Haudyourwheesht

I suppose a lot of things only come up as and when. If you give a list of rules out of context she won't understand.

This.

I can still remember DH's face when DD (aged 6 or 7) had a friend over who demanded that he bring a cream cheese sandwich to her in DD's bedroom.

Needless to say, that wasn't something that had come up before.

the sandwich 🤣🤣🤣

Makes you wonder what goes in their house!

Shit, would DD ask for a sandwich?

I don’t think you can pre-empt (do be demanding about sandwich fillings..), it just happens as you go. I think everyone knows little kids can’t know all social rules and wouldn’t think badly of them or you.

Did you ask the girl why she was asking for two? My DS often did this when he was younger and we finally figured out it was because he wanted to give the second whatever to DD. He never asked when she was with us!

I think manners are mostly learned through modelling behaviour and living in the world with other people. You can’t preempt what a child will need to know and you can’t avoid them encountering situations where they put their foot in it because they’ve never come across that social norm before so I wouldn’t worry about it tbh!

Yes, maybe I just need to chill out a bit.

I just thought I’d be mortified if that had been DD, but they are only young still.

@Haudyourwheesht

I suppose a lot of things only come up as and when. If you give a list of rules out of context she won't understand.

This.

Most of what they do and say will be picked up by being modelled by those around them - parents, maybe Nursery or CM, wider family and friends, school etc.
You can never pre-empt every situation they are going to be in.

@ReturnOfTheBlackSheep

Did you ask the girl why she was asking for two? My DS often did this when he was younger and we finally figured out it was because he wanted to give the second whatever to DD. He never asked when she was with us!

That’s really sweet!

DD (nearly 4) is normally quite good with manners but once her grandad brought her a tub of play dough as a present. I said to her “what do you say to granddad?” and she turned to him and went “open it, grandad!” xD

I didn’t ask her. It seemed fairly obvious that she just wanted them for herself but maybe I wasn’t being imaginative enough.

The girl hasn't be taught manners it sounds like. Don't take the last of something off a plate, when offered a treat, don't grab the best/largest one, and wait to be offered, don't ask ect.

Not her fault, but maybe you can buy your dd an etiquette book aimed at children and suggest they have little games ir "pretend parties" to practise?

I think you need to chill out a bit.

Manners are important, but be wary of giving the poor child so many rules and regulations to remember that social events become a source of stress. She's 6. She shouldn't be at a playdate thinking 'I must say please and thank you and I shouldn't ask for more and I shouldn't ask for a sandwich to brought to me and I shouldn't take the last one and I should share and etc etc'.

She will make social faux pas and having you cringing in the background isn't going to help. It's just a normal part of growing up.

You also don't want her too scared to ask for what she needs. Say she needs a drink of water, but she's already had one and you've drummed it into her that she mustn't ask for a second...that not a good thing! There's a balance needed between being polite and being able to express your needs or say no when something makes you uncomfortable etc.

Don’t worry about someone judging your DD. I can’t imagine any adult being petty enough to judge a 6 year old for minor infringements. Most adults would simply brush it off, understanding that, at 6 years old, a child might still be learning.

My dd once had a friend round for tea. I made pasta, tomato pasta sauce, garlic bread and salad with a big bowl of fruit and ice cream for afters (it was summer). They were 7. The friend is a lovely polite little girl but she did make and laugh when she said 'no sauce on my pasta please, it won't be as nice as the sauce my dad makes' 🤣

when offered a treat, don't grab the best/largest one

Is this really something people tell their children? Doesn’t it just mean that they’ll always watch someone else take the best/largest treat instead? I’m not saying a 5yo should help themselves to a family sized steak, but if there’s a chocolate biscuit on a plate, someone has to choose it!

A lot of it comes down IMO to teaching by example.

It was years ago, when I was working in a library, but I still remember the very tiny tot - I’m sure no more than two, who said, ‘Thank you so much!’ - clear as a bell - as she and her mum left.

As for asking for two of everything, I’m afraid I’d have no qualms about saying, ‘Sorry, no - that’s being greedy.’ *
If that’s not ‘gentle’, too bad.

*unless I already knew it was for a sibling who was supposed to come, but couldn’t for whatever reason.

I was mortified once when I took my 6 yo to pick his sister up from a playdate and he just ran into the house and started exploring.

I am picky with DD about manners but I usually deal with things as they come up rather than trying to imagine all possible eventualities.

I think if you meet a child who's generally polite and they do one thing that stands out, chances are they do not realise it's rude and, if they're not your child, you cut them some slack.

TBH, I think it's not on to judge a child anyway, even if it is grating. It'll be learnt behaviour and not their fault. Modelling is all you can sensibly do.