How specific are you when teaching your DC manners?

[Rainallnight]

I think I’m doing ok with teaching DC manners but something happened yesterday which made me pause.

We were out for a special treat day for DD, and brought her best friend (6). It was an activity, lunch out and then a little present from a shop. Friend asked for two or more of everything. Can I have two of {what we were having for lunch}? Can you buy me two {presents from the shop}? And so on. It was really quite grating.

But it occurred to me, I’ve never told DD not to do that. We’ve talked about please, thank you, being kind, turn taking, etc but not asking for more and more has just never entered my head (and I would cringe if she was doing this).

So - what else might I not have told her?

And how specific are you when teaching your DC manners?

@MotherWol

when offered a treat, don't grab the best/largest one

Is this really something people tell their children? Doesn’t it just mean that they’ll always watch someone else take the best/largest treat instead? I’m not saying a 5yo should help themselves to a family sized steak, but if there’s a chocolate biscuit on a plate, someone has to choose it!

I think what's meant is, you don't stand there assessing which cookie is the biggest and go for that, you just take the nearest one. Apart from anything else I always taught DD you shouldn't stand breathing all over a plate of biscuits or rummaging through what someone else has got to eat!

My eldest had a little friend at primary who i was an absolute PITA when she came round to play.

She would get bored with playing with DD1 within about 10 mins flat and start roaming the house and going through kitchen cupboards/fridge and asking for stuff. I was trying to be gentle - 'oh no, we don't take without asking in this house' ect.

She went into my bedroom and started rooting about in my underwear and came downstairs dangling one of my bras from round her neck

She didn't come round again ...
I remember saying to my 3 at the time ''YOU don't do this at other people's houses do you?!?!''.
They said no of course not. But you know - is it something i told them or something they just knew not to do?

Eldest is in her 20s now and still remembers her PITA friend

My 3 years old always ask for two as she always wants whatever she gets one for her brother. She’s also a magpie and whatever she takes is always two!!

@SarahAndQuack that makes sense, and hygiene/covid means it’s not a good idea to linger or get sticky fingers on something unless you’re going to eat it. I had to discourage DD from sharing a sherbet dibdab with a friend the other day - she’s got the sharing is caring idea but not that sharing lollipops is gross!

[quote MotherWol]@SarahAndQuack that makes sense, and hygiene/covid means it’s not a good idea to linger or get sticky fingers on something unless you’re going to eat it. I had to discourage DD from sharing a sherbet dibdab with a friend the other day - she’s got the sharing is caring idea but not that sharing lollipops is gross![/quote]
Oh, yuck! Points to her for trying, though.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

A lot of it comes down IMO to teaching by example. It was years ago, when I was working in a library, but I still remember the very tiny tot - I’m sure no more than two, who said, ‘Thank you so much!’ - clear as a bell - as she and her mum left.

As for asking for two of everything, I’m afraid I’d have no qualms about saying, ‘Sorry, no - that’s being greedy.’ *
If that’s not ‘gentle’, too bad.

*unless I already knew it was for a sibling who was supposed to come, but couldn’t for whatever reason.

Agree with this. You just deal with each situation as they happen so this is one example to talk to your DD about. I remember having DD's friend over for tea after school (about 8 years old at the time) and I told her we would be having pizza later and she immediately asked what was for pudding. I hadn't thought of one because we generally don't have pudding unless it's a bigger family meal. I just thought it was funny and quickly checked my fridge and cupboards lol.

Basics like "please" and "thank you" are common and easy to regularly reinforce.

There will always be some social faux-pas that might not always be easy to anticipate, or are just simpler dealing with in context.

DS has ASD so some nuance is hard to pick up e.g. OK to factually comment that X is tall, but not OK to factually comment that Y is fat. Trying to pre-empt can be more of a minefield as it can trigger awkward conversations like "Is it OK to say that Z is tall but I can't say that they're fat" that defeat the objective in the first place.

Sometimes my two have asked if they can take a second treat for their sibling, and explaining their motivation helps a lot as the intention is to share not to be greedy.
I do deter them from hovering at a plate microanyalising which portion is 5g bigger and encourage then to be realistic about what they need so others get a fair chance.

As PP has said, I would say it's more about what you do rather than what you say. I was very puzzled about how rude my friend's DCs were because my friend is not rude. But one day, I realised that I was wrong about my feiend. She is actually quite rude, it's just not so obvious because she smiles and laughs and jokes a lot. My friend never ever says please or thank you and nor do her DCs. So in a cafe, I would always say something like "I would like one of your amazing cheese sandwiches and a cappuccino please" and then I would say thank you each time they brought me something. My friend on the other would simply say "can I get a cheese sandwich and a cappuccino". No please and no thank you. My friend does as least smile as she says this whereas her kids growl and frown.