Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I've put myself in this situation.

44 replies

Userno574328537 · 14/02/2022 17:33

Have been with Dp 10 years. I already had ds when we met, we have Dd together. He bought a house a couple months after we met, I was renting at the time and we moved into his house a couple years into our relationship and had Dd. I was quite young and naive at the time.

We are not married so I no have rights to the house. I have not worked much during the time we've been together as looking after dc who have sen.

He's been very generous, still is. He's not kicking me out but I'm not happy in this relationship. I want out.

Where am I meant to to go?!

My mum lives 20 minutes away. She's not someone I would want to live with again, she's toxic and she hasn't got much room anyway.

My grandma has 4 spare bedrooms but can I really expect an 80 year old to have us all there?! I mean she wouldn't say no, but it's a lot to ask. It would be 20 minutes away from the kids school.

Private rent is ridiculous where I live. Looking at over a grand for a basic 3 bed. Could never afford it nor would any landlord accept me for private rent when not working.

Obviously can apply for social housing but that could take months. Effectively I'm not homeless! Could be housed miles away and means taking my sen kids away from their home area 😪

OP posts:
StripyOnesie · 14/02/2022 17:35

Well you need to get a job and save up for a deposit on a private rent. You can then apply for universal credit which will have an element of housing benefit in it.

AchillesPoirot · 14/02/2022 17:36

Can’t you claim uc?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/02/2022 17:42

@AchillesPoirot

Can’t you claim uc?
She would be able to but UC doesn't often cover the cost of private rent, there is a cap on the housing element. Plus most private landlords won't touch someone on UC.

Can you work at all? Any jobs that would fit around your partner's hours?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
BluebellsGreenbells · 14/02/2022 17:44

Would he have the children 50/50? At least it would be less of an issue for your grandmother!

But yes you need to get a job.

Krakenchorus · 14/02/2022 17:49

Grandma, if she's willing. She might be glad of the company, especially if everyone is pitching in to help her with shopping and cooking and cleaning. If you and the dc can be an asset for Grandma, do it.

While living there, you need to save up money to move into a rental.

britneyisfree · 14/02/2022 18:01

Go to the council as homeless. They won't give you a council place but they often have links to agencies that will house you on UC. They will also pay your deposit.

Original poster
Userno574328537 · 14/02/2022 18:06

@StripyOnesie

Well you need to get a job and save up for a deposit on a private rent. You can then apply for universal credit which will have an element of housing benefit in it.
The thing is, how? I have two with with quite significant sen. No family help! My partner works long hours. Even if we split he won't be able to have the kids so I can work.
OP posts:
Original poster
Userno574328537 · 14/02/2022 18:08

I mean he will have the kids but not enough for me to work!

I'm worried that having two kids with sen in the house will put too much stress on my Grandma. Plus she has a houseful or cats and my Dd is severely allergic - make her wheeze!

Everything is against me 😪

OP posts:
Original poster
Userno574328537 · 14/02/2022 18:09

My grandma does have quite a lot of money in her bank, I've never asked it expected money from her before but I feel I like maybe she would help me out? She's helped my siblings out quite a lot but I've never needed it - until now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Userno574328537 · 14/02/2022 18:11

Thing is, Dp would never kick me out. He could go and stay at his mums but it's his house and I would still have to find somewhere but it may buy me more time!

OP posts:
Ratherdogsthanpeople · 14/02/2022 18:44

No excuses, you really do need to get a job.

Ratherdogsthanpeople · 14/02/2022 18:45

Don’t ask your grandma for money!

Redfloweryellowflower · 14/02/2022 18:46

Do you claim carers allowance (or whatever its called?) if not could you?

Theunamedcat · 14/02/2022 18:49

You need to claim Carers allowance if they get mrc or hrc on dla

EmpressCixi · 14/02/2022 18:51

If you and he both work, you should both be able to afford child care costs. I’d tell him you want to get a job, have him pay child care the first month until you get first pay cheque and then split it by % based on your incomes. As in if he makes 3x what you make, he pays 75% childcare costs and you 25%. Then see if you still want to leave.

Thenose · 14/02/2022 18:56

If your children have significant special needs, you can apply for dla. If this is awarded, you can claim carers allowance. This, in turn, will increase some of the other benefits you might be entitled to if you become a single parent.

I would only move in with grandma if it was absolutely necessary to escape abuse. Ditto asking for money.

Comedycook · 14/02/2022 19:03

I might get flamed but you're in a really tricky situation. I don't think it will be easy at all for you to work in all honesty. So I will ask, how bad is your relationship? Is it so bad that living in temporary housing provided by the council and on benefits is a better option?

Comedycook · 14/02/2022 19:05

I mean, is he abusive? If so, then I'd leave. Or has the spark just gone a bit? In which case, I'd stay whilst I made a better plan

Original poster
Userno574328537 · 14/02/2022 19:07

@Ratherdogsthanpeople

No excuses, you really do need to get a job.
I'm not dismissing I don't need a job but I would like to know who habe will my dc when I do. No family help, Dp works long hours. My son is on a reduced timetable at school!

It's all very well saying I need a job but please tell me who are going to look after my kids? And take them to multiple apps all week?

OP posts:
Original poster
Userno574328537 · 14/02/2022 19:08

He is not abusive. We just aren't getting on! I've felt unhappy for a while but tied as had nowhere to go!

OP posts:
Original poster
Userno574328537 · 14/02/2022 19:08

@Thenose

If your children have significant special needs, you can apply for dla. If this is awarded, you can claim carers allowance. This, in turn, will increase some of the other benefits you might be entitled to if you become a single parent.

I would only move in with grandma if it was absolutely necessary to escape abuse. Ditto asking for money.

They get DLa and I receive carers allowance already ☺️
OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 14/02/2022 19:09

What were you hoping people would suggest?

Comedycook · 14/02/2022 19:09

From what you say, it would be incredibly difficult for you to work. Have you seen what you'd be entitled to if you split, benefits wise...plus child maintenance?

Nadjahomesoil · 14/02/2022 19:12

Do you get maintenance from DS dad if you already had him when you moved in with your partner?

EmpressCixi · 14/02/2022 19:12

SEN doesn’t mean childcare isn’t an option. Get a job, then you both pay for childcare.
www.childcare.co.uk/information/SEND-introduction