I've put myself in this situation.

[Userno574328537]

Have been with Dp 10 years. I already had ds when we met, we have Dd together. He bought a house a couple months after we met, I was renting at the time and we moved into his house a couple years into our relationship and had Dd. I was quite young and naive at the time.

We are not married so I no have rights to the house. I have not worked much during the time we've been together as looking after dc who have sen.

He's been very generous, still is. He's not kicking me out but I'm not happy in this relationship. I want out.

Where am I meant to to go?!

My mum lives 20 minutes away. She's not someone I would want to live with again, she's toxic and she hasn't got much room anyway.

My grandma has 4 spare bedrooms but can I really expect an 80 year old to have us all there?! I mean she wouldn't say no, but it's a lot to ask. It would be 20 minutes away from the kids school.

Private rent is ridiculous where I live. Looking at over a grand for a basic 3 bed. Could never afford it nor would any landlord accept me for private rent when not working.

Obviously can apply for social housing but that could take months. Effectively I'm not homeless! Could be housed miles away and means taking my sen kids away from their home area 😪

He is not abusive. He's provided for us all and says he will carry on doing so. He's very generous money wise.

It's a mix of things. Him and Ds aren't getting on. They seem to know how to push each other's buttons. Nothing terrible but feel I need to put ds first. I resent my own mother for siding with my stepdad when I was a kid. Ds comes first, he has sen so even more so.

Dp is never really me feel wanted or desired.

His mother is posing issues in our relationship. He thinks the sun shines out of her ass.

We have had no time together as a couple alone in several years. We haven't been intimate in a long time. Don't even share a bed.

Feel like we are together for the kids.

I've been thinking about it for a while. Just haven't had the guts to do it.

@Nadjahomesoil

Do you get maintenance from DS dad if you already had him when you moved in with your partner?

Yes I do. But it's not a huge amount!

I get DLa for both kids.

Carers

£30 a week from DS's dad.

Child benefit

Also get a very small amount of tax credits at present - used to get more but was over paid due to their own mess up. Currently getting £20 PW. But obviously if I was to become single it would trigger a new claim and move to UC.

But I couldn't afford private rent on my own. I live in a V expensive area! Small 3 bed in my village just gone up for £1400!

I live in Cornwall. Nothing is affordable.

I also have a dog. Many private rents don't take dogs and I'm not giving her up. She would have to stay in this house if this was the case. But left alone for periods of time whilst Dp works.

You would get UC, if you are receiving carers and have dc on DLA you will not have to look for work.

Ignore people who are saying “get a job” they obviously don’t have kids with SN’s 🙄. Do a online benefits calculation to see how much you would get if you moved out. Getting a job isn’t easy if your dc have various appointments and you don’t have child care (finding childcare for a SEN child isn’t easy).

There isn't a magic switch unfortunately, absolutely if you are unhappy you should leave, but it doesn't sound like there is going to be an easy solution. If you're sure it's done I don't think you have anything to lose by talking to him about it, he might be willing to formalise x support or whatever.

I really don’t know what the answer is here. Part of me wants to advise that you try your hardest to make things work with your partner. Counselling for you both and perhaps family counselling for him and DS.

It's the thought of having to find somewhere to live that's scaring me. Two people (single parents) on my street are being evicted by private landlords and cannot find anywhere at all 😪 one is about to be chucked out and the council are no help at all so far. One of them had two kids with sen too. It's a scary situation.

If I could find somewhere I would be fine. I lived on my own with Ds for the first few years of his life. I had my own flat (private rent) and did fine

It's also kitting it out. All my stuff is here. How on Earth am I meant to afford everything new around the a house?!

@Holly60

I really don’t know what the answer is here. Part of me wants to advise that you try your hardest to make things work with your partner. Counselling for you both and perhaps family counselling for him and DS.

Thank you. I'm not sure counselling would be affordable for us. Despite Dp earning what should be a decent wage plus DLA, Carers etc etc. We still struggle financially 😪

You don't need to get a job if you are getting carers allowance. And people talking about childcare for children with sn , yeah right! It's hard enough getting into a suitable school and childcare for children with snow can be incredibly expensive

If you are not married and not on the mortgage speak to the council. See if they can help

You don't need to get a job if you are getting carers allowance

Carers allowance is only £67.60 a week for 35 hrs of care. Not even close to a minimum wage job which would be £321.30 a week for 35 hrs of work.

That’s a pittance you cant live on alone even if you also get UC.
That’s one reason why the UN report said the U.K. was violating human rights by having disabled and their carers deliberately living far far far below the poverty line.

@EmpressCixi add on the £40 a week income support that is also paid onto universal credit and depending on dla entitlement if high rate you get more universal credit plus rent and council tax benefit

its far easier than trying to find childcare for a child with sn so you can work , especially one who's on a reduced time table.

Believe me I'm living it! There is no childcare available for us in holidays and in term time its only 7.45 - 4.15 and my child isn't in a reduced time table

That's before you go into appointments, reduced time table, lack of sleep etc. The last thing the op needs right thus minute is to add extra pressure on her situation by applying for a min wage job that won't make her better off and will increase her stress levels

And because she is getting carers allowance she won't have to go on jsa and all the extra stress that causes. Only good thing about carers allowance if you are a single parent who can't work

I would see a solicitor. You may not have a claim on the house but your DD might, it’s her father’s house and she has SEN.

[quote EmpressCixi]SEN doesn’t mean childcare isn’t an option. Get a job, then you both pay for childcare.
www.childcare.co.uk/information/SEND-introduction[/quote]
But you have no idea what her children's needs are.

And the ex is very unlikely to pay towards childcare. He doesn't legally have to and its hard enough getting maintenance out of some of them when you leave

Stay, OP. He's not abusive, he's supportive. Instead of leaving, work on it?

Have you sat down with your partner and explained how your feeling?

I'm not surprised your not feeling desired or wanted if your not even sleeping in the same room.

Is there not an atmosphere between you guys?

Have you both tried to make time for each other even if it's just an hour here or there?

option 1 - move in with grandma for 1 year & 1 year only. use that year to get a job / sort childcare / find a way to live independently / save money etc. After a year you should be in a better position to move out & find your own place.

option 2 - stay put but again work towards jobs / childcare etc.

what kind of work are you qualified to do? can you work online & flexitime to earn money around your child's needs?

I think I'd stay and try to make things work. If your DP is generally a good guy I'd not move sen dc in with an elderly grandmother.