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Original poster

Dealing with DHs grumpiness over chronic illness…

48 replies

JustJam4Tea · 12/02/2022 06:20

His view is I need to be more sympathetic. I am sympathetic to a point. But he’s so fucking grumpy about it. Lots of I can’t go on like this, my life is so miserable, I just need to sit here and mope.

Then we have friends round for dinner, that I’ve shopped for, cooked for and tidied up for and he’s life and soul of the party. Not drinking.

Also out with his brother tonight…again not drinking.

But I know he’ll be an absolute misery all day today.

When he’s not feeling I’ll he’s fine. But when he is it’s the absolute drama queen of it that just pissses me off…

OP posts:
Original poster
JustJam4Tea · 12/02/2022 06:20

Oops should be in relationship probably. And it’s a vent.

OP posts:
FindingMeno · 12/02/2022 06:51

I don't understand the not drinking relevance Confused

Whingasaurus · 12/02/2022 07:00

I had a long chat with my dh about this. I understand the discomfort but felt like I only got the worst of him whilst he can wheel out happy chappy for work, friends and his family. He started trying and generally being more considerate AND took advice on managing his health better. They were dark, lonely days though Flowers and I really had to spell it out.

Original poster
JustJam4Tea · 12/02/2022 07:54

The not drinking is just to say he’s not out getting merry and pissed in case that was a red herring. He’s got IBS and drinking aggravates it so he doesn’t,.

Good advice @Whingasaurus thank you. We need a chat on one of his good days.

OP posts:
Minifigure282 · 12/02/2022 09:20

I completely understand how that must feel for you, no one wants to live with a misery guts however, I have crohns disease and ulcerative colitis and it is horrific to live with. I'm sure IBS can be just as challenging. Unless you've lived with a chronic condition then you'll have no idea how it feels to wake up every single day feeling ill. Life doesn't cut you any slack, you have to get up, put your game face on and face the world. It's exhausting, it's fake, to have to pretend to be happy and healthy when you feel like shit is soul destroying. You need to be able to let go, be miserable, feel the pain, wallow in it a bit, there's no extra energy needed to feel how you're actually feeling. I've actually thought a lot in the past that life would be easier if I lived alone because you could be your true self without the concern that you're brining others down with you. I can guarantee when your DH is the life and soul of the party it's an act and you can't act 24/7.

My advice would be to try and love him, take care of him, let him be grumpy and push him in the direction of his gp for some mental health support because he sounds like he's really struggling.

Minifigure282 · 12/02/2022 09:23

And to add, however difficult it is for you to live with your DHs grumpiness, he will be feeling far far worse. You wouldn't want to swop with him.

Whiskersonkittens21 · 12/02/2022 09:48

@Minifigure282

I completely understand how that must feel for you, no one wants to live with a misery guts however, I have crohns disease and ulcerative colitis and it is horrific to live with. I'm sure IBS can be just as challenging. Unless you've lived with a chronic condition then you'll have no idea how it feels to wake up every single day feeling ill. Life doesn't cut you any slack, you have to get up, put your game face on and face the world. It's exhausting, it's fake, to have to pretend to be happy and healthy when you feel like shit is soul destroying. You need to be able to let go, be miserable, feel the pain, wallow in it a bit, there's no extra energy needed to feel how you're actually feeling. I've actually thought a lot in the past that life would be easier if I lived alone because you could be your true self without the concern that you're brining others down with you. I can guarantee when your DH is the life and soul of the party it's an act and you can't act 24/7.

My advice would be to try and love him, take care of him, let him be grumpy and push him in the direction of his gp for some mental health support because he sounds like he's really struggling.

As a chronically ill person myself this summed it up perfectly.

I will add, you can still talk with him and let him know how you feel as your feelings are valid also. I imagine it isn't the life you thought you'd get, same for him.

I hope you get a resolution and things improve.

mjf981 · 12/02/2022 10:06

What is his illness?

FinallyHere · 12/02/2022 10:25

My advice would be to try and love him, take care of him, let him be grumpy and push him in the direction of his gp for some mental health support because he sounds like he's really struggling.

I get this is the ideal response but no one can deny how uncomfortable this sits within an adult relationship. What is described here is a parent or guardian relationship, not an adult to adult one.

Is that what the partner wants? A nurse ?

Life has dealt a shit hand but if they want to remain in a relationship there has got to be some effort. How you can work it out.

wowbutter · 12/02/2022 10:30

I have a chronic illness, and I totally get it OP.
I try so hard not to be a miserable cow when home with my family.
It isn't my DH or DC fault I am chronically unwell.
If he can be the life and soul of the party when he's with others, he can bloody well pull himself together at home the rest of the time.
Mindset and attitude have a huge amount to do with controlling chronic illnesses.
He doesn't need to be miserable all the time.
If he's tired, rest, if he's having a flare up, manage it.
I really don't think it's fair the way he is making you feel.

urrrgh46 · 12/02/2022 10:35

Feel fairly well qualified to speak on this one. My DH has bad IBS and my eldest son (19) has very severe IBD (colitis), for which he has to take several medications that make him very immunocompromised and significantly affect how he live (he had to shield with covid).
DH's IBS can be quite debilitating when he's stressed and he has been careful to find food that's trigger it - dairy and too much gluten, processed meat. However, he's also aware that stress is something he needs to deal with and keep under control. As a side there are lots of medications that can help with IBS and if your DH hasn't he would do well to research them and get to the GP if he feels medication might help.
With DS he is also aware of taking too much stress on and that a POSITIVE APPROACH to his illness is key to living with it. I'd add that at 18 he was at the point where if this particular immunosuppressant didn't work he was looking at a stoma as his colitis is the entire bowel and there were no more options.
You can be sympathetic and supportive but DH needs to own it!

AlternativePerspective · 12/02/2022 10:36

As someone with a chronic illness I disagree with pp.

yes, there are bad days, and there are days when he may just need to wallow in it for a bit, but the “if you don’t have a chronic illness line then you can’t possibly know how he’s feeling” is often used to shut down the people close to you who are actually also having to live with the illness by proxy.

I am in heart failure and on my very worst days I didn’t get out of bed. On others I would walk up the stairs to bed, would have to sit down for 10 minutes to get my breath back, and then wait another hour for my heart rate to go back down below 100 bpm. And on those days I used to think that if I’m going to die of this anyway then it might as well crack on and kill me now rather than having to wait another x years for it to happen. I would never actually have ended things myself, I just wanted them to end. Iyswim.

But the thing is, I was still me. I was still the person on the inside regardless of the health problems, and my family and partner were also having to live through it, and none of them asked to be there any more than I did.

Maybe it’s just that I’m a positive person, people have always commented on the fact, even hospital staff. But IMO there is nothing to be achieved by allowing things to constantly bring you down.

It does sound as if he needs some MH support, but equally you’re not wrong to have had enough and to need to have a conversation with him.

As for PP saying that when he’s the life and soul of the party it’s all an act, no not necessarily. Not everyone feels they need to be defined by their illness,and actually there’s a huge amount of evidence that a positive mindset is more likely to have a more positive outcome. Not that he will be cured, but that other aspects of life will define him more.

bloodywhitecat · 12/02/2022 11:44

@Minifigure282

And to add, however difficult it is for you to live with your DHs grumpiness, he will be feeling far far worse. You wouldn't want to swop with him.
It is exactly this kind of response that stops unpaid carers seeking support and help.
Lou98 · 12/02/2022 12:04

Yanbu to be fed up with his moaning.

However, I wouldn't compare being at home with you just the two of you to how he is when you have company over/out with friends and family because it's natural that your partner should be someone you love and trust and can lean on for support. It's normal to put on a front for others that you're not as comfortable being yourself with but it's exhausting and you don't want to keep that front up when you're relaxing with your partner.

That doesn't mean though that he doesn't need to make any effort, it is hard and there's no doubting that. As long as it's not a case of you're never listening to him or trying to understand then it's not unreasonable to ask him to consider how tiring it is for you aswell

JMAngel1 · 12/02/2022 12:17

Sorry, do you mean IBD?

I wouldn’t class IBS as a chronic illness. Maybe show him the posts above - chronic heart failure, IBD. May help him out IBS into perspective? If IBS, the management is completely in his own hands - totally treatable and not a chronic illness.

Minifigure282 · 12/02/2022 13:59

Having a positive attitude and making an effort to be happy at home is great in theory but pretty unsustainable for the duration of your life.

I was diagnosed with IBD when I was 16. I spent the 1st 20 years keeping positive, aiming high, trying my best to enjoy my life, not letting it get me down or get those around me down. I'm now 40 and I've burnt myself out entirely. It's just not possible to do it without having low points. I'm getting the help I need but I'm mentally spent. DH is riding the roller coaster with me and he would never ever begrudge me being down in the dumps because he knows what I've been through and he knows it's the stage I'm currently at. He gets to wake up each day feeling healthy, he enjoys his work, he socialises with his mates, he has his outlets. I'll pick myself back up again but in the mean time I know I don't need to slap a fake smile on my face while I'm in the comfort of my own home.

pointythings · 12/02/2022 15:24

I'm with AlternativePerspective on this - my DDs is chronically ill, to the point where she is now in a wheelchair. She's just 19. She doesn't have a diagnosis (yet) but she's in constant pain, exhausted, brain fog, unable to do the things we all take for granted. Initial thought was fibro but other possibilties now under investigation.

And hard as it is, she's working to stay as fit as she can, work on her mental health, get the absolute last drop of fun out of life - and that includes being the best person she can be to her friends and loved ones. She has bad days, but she absolutely does not wallow and keep her best self for everyone but the people who love her most.

Your DH could learn a lot from my DD.

whitewashing · 12/02/2022 15:42

@JMAngel1

Sorry, do you mean IBD? I wouldn’t class IBS as a chronic illness. Maybe show him the posts above - chronic heart failure, IBD. May help him out IBS into perspective? If IBS, the management is completely in his own hands - totally treatable and not a chronic illness.
Exactly. I have IBS, never in a million years would I describe myself as having a chronic illness!!!
Minifigure282 · 12/02/2022 16:27

pointythings but everyone is different, everyone copes differently and it is OK to not be ok. With respect I wonder how your daughter will cope in another 20 years time. I was her at 19 and I'm not the same person at 40, it wears you down. She needs to hear the message loud and clear that she can have bad days, months, years, she doesn't need to be her best self all the time especially around loved ones. She is loved no matter how down and depressed she might get. Hopefully she'll never experience that side of being chronically ill, she sounds like a tough cookie and I wish her the best.

pointythings · 12/02/2022 16:38

Minifigure nobody has to be their best self around their loved ones all the time. My DD2 has strategies to cope with the bad times and we all know that she needs to be left alone to rest at times and that 's fine.

But in the context of OP's OH we have a man who saves his best self for everyone except OP. And that is not acceptable. She deserves a share of however many good times are available at any stage in his illness.

Sixmonthcruise · 12/02/2022 16:56

For those saying that IBS is not a chronic illness then count yourselves lucky that you have it mildly. I have had it for 24 years (is 24 years not chronic enough?) and it has ruined my life. My gastroenterologist says it is most definitely a chronic condition.
OP, I totally understand your dh because chronic illnesses can become all consuming and totally affects you mentally as well as physically. It’s so easy to be a misery amongst those close to you then put a mask on to the outside world and pretend all is ok (even though inside you are crumbling).
However, I really get what you are saying, it must be so draining being on the other side of things and I feel so sorry for my dh and dc sometimes when I have been at my lowest and a complete and utter misery, it’s so hard being positive when you really don’t feel like it.
My gastroenterologist told me last week that he can treat his IBD patients so much easier than his IBS ones, they are his biggest challenge. They are both awful conditions.
I feel for both you and your DH.

Sixmonthcruise · 12/02/2022 17:03

@JMAngel1

Sorry, do you mean IBD? I wouldn’t class IBS as a chronic illness. Maybe show him the posts above - chronic heart failure, IBD. May help him out IBS into perspective? If IBS, the management is completely in his own hands - totally treatable and not a chronic illness.
If you’ve managed to treat your IBS so successfully that it’s not a chronic condition and totally treatable could you please give me some tips? Genuine question because after 24 years, endless attempts trying new things and £££££’s down the drain I am still suffering greatly. Any advice really would be most welcome.
Minifigure282 · 12/02/2022 17:04

pointythings no you're missing my point. Sometimes the best we can manage is being miserable at home and that should be OK. I'm going through this right now. As I said previously I was very much like your daughter when I was diagnosed at 16, despite being very ill I still had that zest for life, I did my a levels and degree from a hospital bed. I had the fight in me. I'm now 40 and have been very low for the past couple of years. I still but on a brave face for work and my friends but at home, with the people who I know truly love me I can be my most vulnerable, most miserable. That might not be fair on my DH but it is what it is and he loves and supports me no matter what. As I would him. I won't feel like this forever but I'm in one of life's dips and maybe OP DH is too.

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 12/02/2022 17:05

I’d be sympathetic (poor you, sorry you are feeling rubbish + make a cup of tea)

Then ignore further moping, and if there was a lot of negativity, I’d go out and do something out of the house

It can’t be ALL about the partner who is I’ll, it can’t be you ALWAYS being sympathetic whilst he is ALWAYS moody

It’s no live

Frigginintheriggin · 12/02/2022 17:27

IBS is shit (pardon the pun) but there are definitely worse things to be afflicted with and if he knows what really sets him off he could try managing the rest with meds as others (myself included) do.
Id be tempted to buy him a dressing gown, have it embroidered on the back 'dressing gown of doom' and tell him he can wear it for X amount of time each day (whatever you can put up with) then take it off and stop grumbling!!