Dealing with DHs grumpiness over chronic illness…

[JustJam4Tea]

His view is I need to be more sympathetic. I am sympathetic to a point. But he’s so fucking grumpy about it. Lots of I can’t go on like this, my life is so miserable, I just need to sit here and mope.

Then we have friends round for dinner, that I’ve shopped for, cooked for and tidied up for and he’s life and soul of the party. Not drinking.

Also out with his brother tonight…again not drinking.

But I know he’ll be an absolute misery all day today.

When he’s not feeling I’ll he’s fine. But when he is it’s the absolute drama queen of it that just pissses me off…

I like the dressing gown idea. It’s ibs (probably). And really bad seasonal allergies. It does make him Iill and feel shit.

But not to the extent that you’d think from the shuffling, doom mess and air of great despair.

Marking. DH has Type 2 diabetes, which I wouldn't class as a chronic illness but does make him quite grumpy sometimes because he can't eat so much of what he used to. I go out when he grumps. Or put on my headphones.

IBS? Jesus wept.

Look up secondary gain.

The whole world seems to identify as having a chronic illness now. It devalues and diminishes the experience of disabled people, and it also provides a neat excuse for avoiding adult responsibility.

I have a chronic pain condition, some days are relentless and I find it hard to put a cheery face on for DH. He does understand this though and never makes me feel bad about it.

I try not to let my illness take over our lives. Sadly it does mean physical intimacy is few and far between, and I feel guilty about that and he can feel frustrated. Its taken a lot of years to get to a point of understanding there.

I know it isnt easy on DH and I try my best, but sometimes I just want to wallow and allow myself to feel like shit and pissed off.

It's ok to acknowledge that it is hard living with someone with a chronic illness. My DH has ulcerative colitis and it awful seeing him in pain every day and not having energy some days and when he has rallied for work or going socialising he's is exhausted. It's not his fault but it is rubbish and it is ok to say you wish it were different. Yes it's hard being him but it is also hard always being the one to have the energy to plan things and to leave early or see him in pain and not enjoying things. It's rubbish for both of you . One day at a time and both of you plan things separately too.

Have you ruled out Lyme as a possible root cause for your daughter pointythings? Just thought I would mention it as it took me years to find out I had Lyme. It often gets misdiagnosed as cfs or ms.

Blimey, I’m surprised at the posters telling OP to suck it up as poor Dh has it worse. It can be awful living with someone who is chronically ill. Dh puts up with my limitations - but if I moaned all the time I wouldn’t blame him if he buried me under the patio!

The pp was quite right that a marriage of solely caring and smiling beatifically is not a marriage - it’s being a carer.

It’s vitally important if one partner has health issues that the other person has a life away from them, however minor. It is easy to become guilted into becoming just the two of you and being drawn into the satellite orbiting the invalid.

I would say that however dire IBS (S, that is) is, it’s not a death sentence. In fact if the Dh has been out and about he clearly is not in terrible straits.

@Sixmonthcruise

Everyone is different I know, but I had IBS for 6 years in my 20s.
I cut out gluten, dairy, sugar and alcohol and take ashwagandha. I drink 200mls prune juice every night.
If I slip up, I can suffer from mesenteric pain/constipation/diarrhoea terribly but if I stick to my regime, I'm fine.

I completely understand how that must feel for you, no one wants to live with a misery guts however, I have crohns disease and ulcerative colitis and it is horrific to live with. I'm sure IBS can be just as challenging.

IBS is not even remotely as challenging as IBD. Not even in the same ballpark.

OP I think your DH is just grumpy if it wasn't moaning about this it would be something else.

Tbh when I read your OP I thought he'd have something serious like MS.

Tell your OH to try a vegan diet. Helped my ulcerative colitis and rheumatoid arthritis no end (as well as, not instead of, medicine).

I sympathise op. My DH is a haemophiliac with severe joint damage. Sometimes it is really bad and he is very grumpy but I do expect him to take steps to manage his conditions and make sure he has all the medication he needs.

I also expect him to cope a bit when he has a standard cold / flu / vomiting bug. He doesn't get to wear the dressing gown of doom for a week while leaving me to do everything for a normal day to day illness.

IBS isn't a chronic disease. It can make life awkward, embarrassing, tiresome, painful and miserable but it's manageable with the right diet and medication.
It should No at make your partner's life a misery.

That he's ok to go out with mates and have visitors over where he feels fine, suggests that he's playing on it .

You say it's 'probably' IBS.
Has he actually been diagnosed?

He needs a proper diet and medication at the very least.

He’s got medication, just started, and he’s just having a mid life mot with bloods, stool sample etc.

It’s very clearly stress related but he’s prone to downplaying how hard he finds stress. I think the conversation has to be had about how he is managing this. I don’t want to be the on3 drawing up diet plans and finding our what he can eat.

He had a severe depressive episode a while back and it’s a bit like he’s working himself up to that again.

I’m sympathetic to the fact that he’s obviously in a lot of discomfort…but…it’s his condition to control. I’m pissed off that I was lef5 doing everything today while he went back to bed all afternoon.

This isn’t really sustainable.

@ButtockUp

IBS isn't a chronic disease.

This. It isn't a disease. It's a disorder/syndrome/condition.

I don’t want to be the on3 drawing up diet plans and finding our what he can eat.

Absolutely not. He's the one who should be identifying his trigger and safe foods, drawing up plans etc.

Sooner he gets on with it sooner he will find some relief.

Would absolutely LOVE to hear how the pps have cured IBS! If it's completely treatable, would someone mind mentioning that to any of the gastroenterologists in the world? Thank you

You generally go to gastroenterologist to rule out IBD, bowel cancer etc, to confirm IBS by exclusion. Current drugs have limited effectiveness for IBS & IBS thankfully doesn't damage the gut, so there's not much that medical doctors can do for you.

It's different for every individual, you have to figure out what the causes and the triggers are in you.

@Motherofgorgons

Marking. DH has Type 2 diabetes, which I wouldn't class as a chronic illness but does make him quite grumpy sometimes because he can't eat so much of what he used to. I go out when he grumps. Or put on my headphones.

Gosh, you wouldn't class T2D as a chronic illness? What would you say it is then?

Without decent management, the complications will come thick and fast for folks with type 2.

I have type 1 which is a very different beast, but the complications when they come for us are all the same! Hope your DH stays well.

I have MS. I'm a positive person and won't inflict my suffering on to my DP/friends/family. Not saying they don't sometimes help me walk but I don't go on and on about the pain I'm in. I'm more likely to take the piss out of MS than moan about it.

I hate hearing about other people's illnesses - their is fuck all I can do about it and I don't tolerate continuial moaning.

Sometimes the best we can manage is being miserable at home and that should be OK.

But all the time? So that the OP has to shoulder his grumpiness and misery 24/7? While he expects her to put up and shut up?

Sometimes there is a limit to sympathy, especially if the person who is ill makes no concession to those around them who have to bear their moods and expects their feelings to trump everyone else's.

@AbsentmindedWoman He has decent enough management. Controls his own diet and doesn't drink or smoke. It is a challenge, though, to cut down on the carbs. You are right that it can easily escalate.