Help please -I’m no good at this🙈

[Blinkingbatshit]

Dd12 struggles friendship wise at school. Things have been going better recently. Dd does an activity every afternoon - it’s very very close to where we live. Girl in her class also does the activity. This girl is nice (mostly) to her at the activity but not being particularly pleasant at school. Girl wants a lift to the activity after school tomorrow. If we say yes then dd may be validating that treating her like this is ok (which it’s not). If we say no it could blow up the carefully rebuilt social scene that dd has managed to make this term. Others will definitely side with the other girl (more popular). I know what I want to do (tell her to sling her fri king hook) but obviously this will put a bomb under dd tomorrow. Any crafty / clever / sensible ways to navigate this anyone?!! I was dreadful at this myself - I just do t know what to do for the best😭

What does DD want to do?

I'd give the lift. I think not doing so may potentially make things worse.

Dd currently doesn’t want to give the lift @LostForWords2021 but I agree with @Comedycook - this could make everything much worse. There really is no excuse to not give the lift - we live next to the activity🙈

Will the lift be regular? If so I'd say that's fine on the understanding she is friendly to DD at school. If she messes DD around just tell her at the last minute, no lift today because you're not nice to DD at school. Be nice and we'll be nice back, but mess her around and we won't.

DD is 12, doesn’t want to have anything to do with it all. Probably fed up of dealing with drama at school that then extends after school.

If you live so close, why be involved at all, let the teens sort it out?

But how does dd approach that conversation @gingerhills? And sorry small drip feed- we’re rural, you can’t say you’ll give a child a lift and then not do it - they can’t walk home or get public transport.

X post there.

DD doesn’t want to, she is 12. I’d stick with her

Can you ignore the request for a lift?

Pretend you haven't seen text/email??

I would let them sort it out @LostForWords2021 but dd asked me what she should do. I’m trying to find the best course of action - she spent every break last term alone reading in the library because no one would talk to her, I really don’t want to go back to that!!

I'd probably give lift with thinly veiled threat re future behaviour to get the point across that you know she's not nice to your dd and you expect she will be from here on in.

Yep @DameMargaretofChalfont - the message is currently ‘unread’ but dd will need to respond in the morning….

She doesn't need to respond. Or alternatively No is a full sentence.
Personally I'd sell it to DD as one of those social niceties that 'has' to be done. But as a one off and if I did give the lift would use the time to gauge the ins and outs of the other child.

But then again my parents left me a in a child mint hellhole for over three years so I might not be best placed to judge

I do g suppose you have any advice as to the wording of the text that dd can send to convey that @MistyFrequencies? 🤞🤞

Child minding hellhole.
Character building my father called it. And he ponders why we no longer have a ret.

I hope you read this as kind and gently as it’s meant.
“I really don’t want to go back to that!”

It’s not about you, 12 is a big turning point in relationship and boundaries.

DD was asked, do you communicate with the other child’s parents?

DD get out Claus- mum said, get your mum to message her - insert mob number, let the grown ups work out logistics - bonus, avoids you being taxi driver for the rest of eternity as well

A relationship.

I don’t suppose that was meant to say above!!

@Blinkingbatshit

Dd currently doesn’t want to give the lift *@LostForWords2021 but I agree with @Comedycook* - this could make everything much worse. There really is no excuse to not give the lift - we live next to the activity🙈

Respect your daughter's wishes.

Make up a lie - really sorry but we have to take DD to the dentist on the way or similar.

Sitting alone in the library is more dignified than putting up with shitty treatment IMO.

Don't lie in my opinion. Just 'no that doesn't work for us'.

I wouldn't give the lift. I did this for two girls who made my DDs year 6 miserable. I stopped the lifts as it was bad enough for DD having to endure them in school let alone outside of it. They would whisper in the car and it was awful. Show DD you're on her side but you also need to equip her to deal with this behaviour at school. It takes time and effort to empower a bullied child but is well worth it.

Oh I totally understand what you’re saying @LostForWords2021 - and it would be great for a line in the sand to be drawn by dd ….But, during last term I had several sobbing phone calls a day, constant begging to not go to school - I’ve had a chronic illness for a year and the stress and worry has sent me slightly off a cliff. I know I need to get a grip but I just don’t want to make things worse for all of us. I’m terrified of that.

I’d lie if I could but we would be found out in seconds - they know dd has to be there.

Don't lie don't give excuses. Just no that does not work for us. And repeat.
Your daughter will love you for it.

Can your Dd text back “sorry I don’t have this number saved, who is this?”
Then when the other girl replies she can say,
“Oh! So and so! I deleted your number, didn’t think we were that close. I’ll see how we’re fixed tomorrow and let you know? Maybe good to have a back up though? Byee x”