Help please -I’m no good at this🙈

[Blinkingbatshit]

Dd12 struggles friendship wise at school. Things have been going better recently. Dd does an activity every afternoon - it’s very very close to where we live. Girl in her class also does the activity. This girl is nice (mostly) to her at the activity but not being particularly pleasant at school. Girl wants a lift to the activity after school tomorrow. If we say yes then dd may be validating that treating her like this is ok (which it’s not). If we say no it could blow up the carefully rebuilt social scene that dd has managed to make this term. Others will definitely side with the other girl (more popular). I know what I want to do (tell her to sling her fri king hook) but obviously this will put a bomb under dd tomorrow. Any crafty / clever / sensible ways to navigate this anyone?!! I was dreadful at this myself - I just do t know what to do for the best😭

Thanks for all the suggestions so far, I really am grateful for the help!! So, first part of plan that I’m going to suggest to dd is that we will ignore the message till dd is on her way to school tomorrow and then say ‘oh sorry - my mum confiscated my phone’ this obvs doesn’t say yes or no to the lift. I’m guessing by then the mum will have made alternative plans but if not dd can potentially say in person ‘but I can give you a lift but maybe you want to think about how you treat me’….any succinct suggestions for a short sentence that conveys this to a 12yo without being aggressive/confrontational/inflammatory please do put them up!!

As someone else has already said
" Sorry but that does not work for us" is all you need to say. No explanation necessary.

It really needs to come from dd (they messaged her not me) - I’ve tried teaching her a few mumsnet-isms ‘did you mean to be so rude?!’ being one, but I get an eye roll a lot if the time😆. The real insult is we actually took this child to an event related to the activity last weekend because her parents couldn’t go, bought her lunch, helped her with her kit - how can she not see how awful her behaviour is to then treat dd like shit?!! I don’t know the parents very well but on the few occasions I have met them they’ve seemed nice. I just don’t know them well enough to approach them with this yet… though if it gets worse I may have no choice!

How about “just this once.”
That will be doing the nice thing and putting the brakes on any future niceties — or piss taking from the other girl.
If the other girl asks why, your daughter only has to reply, “we have obligations.” End of. No further explanation required whether the og likes it or not.

@Blinkingbatshit

It really needs to come from dd (they messaged her not me) - I’ve tried teaching her a few mumsnet-isms ‘did you mean to be so rude?!’ being one, but I get an eye roll a lot if the time😆. The real insult is we actually took this child to an event related to the activity last weekend because her parents couldn’t go, bought her lunch, helped her with her kit - how can she not see how awful her behaviour is to then treat dd like shit?!! I don’t know the parents very well but on the few occasions I have met them they’ve seemed nice. I just don’t know them well enough to approach them with this yet… though if it gets worse I may have no choice!

By being kind to this girl you are perhaps validating her behaviour towards your daughter at school. I would not do it if this were my child

Yes - I mentioned in my first post that I didn’t want to be validating her behaviour. I think I felt that by being kind and helping her get where she needed to be she may treat dd more kindly. Have just realised that I’ll be with her Mum at a school event all morning on Sunday - if I can get through tomorrow maybe I can chat discreetly with her then. But maybe I’m then getting ‘too involved’🤷🏼‍♀️ OMG, i was useless at all this when I did it myself first time round😫

How about your DD says

“I’ll check with Mum if that’s OK with her.”

And then you can say “No, not convenient” because of going to town first/dropping off elderly relative/transporting bulky items etc etc

I wouldn’t want to be on the hook for constant lifts and it sounds like it’s heading that way…

Could she go with a version of honesty that gives her a get out? Eg 'I've told my mum how you treat me at school, so I don't think she's going to want to give you a lift'. That way it's not a straight no, it sort of passes the buck a bit and it will hopefully make her think about how her behaviour comes across to others as well as your daughter. Plus it will be hard to explain to her parents if they ask why you aren't giving her a lift.

"You are unkind to me in school and now expect a favour?"

"My mum only goes out of her way for people who are nice to me"

"Mum says no, sorry"

I would give her the lift but be really cold with her. Just stare at her when she gets in the car but don't speak to her and make her very uncomfortable. I'd advise your daughter to deliberately ignore her in school too until her behaviour changes. This approach is harsh but has worked on so many occasions for me where people were unkind. I'm mostly a people pleaser but I have my limits. If you make it very clear they are worth nothing to you they generally can't stand to be so badly thought of since being popular is so important to them. I think you daughter should reply 'My mum said ok just for tomorrow' When she is getting out of the car you can tell her to make other arrangements in future as it will not be possible to give her a lift again.

Thanks all - think am going to go with the initial late text of ‘Mum confiscated my phone’ & if she then asks again dd will say ‘really happy to give a lift but not if you treat me rudely like you did yesterday’ or similar…any better phraseology suggestions please let me know! Thanks!

Yeah ok this time, but To be honest it’s not ok to expect favours when you make it quite obvious we’re not friends is it?

I have been in your shoes. From an adult's point of view it is easy to say "just tell your daughter to say "no, because you are mean to me"".

But the last thing you want to do is excalate the nastiness from this girl and her friends, yet nor to you want to give in to her behaviour. I agree that making you and not your daughter the bad guy is a better get out.

DD has been the one that the queen bee isolated and it is horrible. When the girls grew older the queen bee lost her hold on them and the other girls apologised for ignoring DD. Not one of them is friends with the queen bee any more.

@Blinkingbatshit

Thanks for all the suggestions so far, I really am grateful for the help!! So, first part of plan that I’m going to suggest to dd is that we will ignore the message till dd is on her way to school tomorrow and then say ‘oh sorry - my mum confiscated my phone’ this obvs doesn’t say yes or no to the lift. I’m guessing by then the mum will have made alternative plans but if not dd can potentially say in person ‘but I can give you a lift but maybe you want to think about how you treat me’….any succinct suggestions for a short sentence that conveys this to a 12yo without being aggressive/confrontational/inflammatory please do put them up!!

I understand your thinking but this is really over complicating things. Have you confiscated the phone? Why get your daughter to lie?

She'd be better off being bluntly honest. My mum said no, If she's asked why, she can say, well, you're not that nice to me so she doesn't want to do you any favours unless that changes.

I'd just get DD to reply "Sorry I've asked my mum but she says we can't do it" or similar. So your DD avoids confrontation and deflects blame from herself but you don't have to give kid a lift. If you give lift I'd be worried it may turn into a regular occurrence.