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Original poster

Are you a nicer/better person now than you were when you were young?

45 replies

Housely · 10/02/2022 18:08

I guess you need to be out of your 20’s to answer this one!

A friend and I, both in our 50’s, were talking about this last night. We both thought that, yes, we were both nicer and better people than we were when we were in our 20’s. We got to wondering then if, in fact, most people are because of more life experience/knowledge/wisdom, or if most people become cynical for those very same reasons?

OP posts:
BlackSatinBand · 10/02/2022 18:11

I’m more assertive and take much less nonsense at 45 than I did at 25. So I might not appear ‘nicer’.

But I’m much less selfish and self obsessed, so much more for others and believe my value in life is what I can give to others, which certainly wasn’t my philosophy in my hedonistic youth!

Echobelly · 10/02/2022 18:12

I don't know about nicer - I think I'm more self aware and a bit less superior. For example, I used to think that other women were just being oversensitive because I had never experienced this constant harrassment by men that many women describe or felt very scared of men. But then I listened more and realised I had just been a lucky outlier - clearly it was a very real problem and just because it hadn't happened to me didn't mean it hadn't happened to other people. Ditto with racism, I thought of myself as non-racist but I'll admit I didn't feel racism could be that bad in this country because I'd never seen any. But I realise now of course I haven't, most racism is of a sort that is not obvious unless you're on the receiving end of it and how could I know what that was like? I don't know if that makes me a better person, but I am trying!

BlackSatinBand · 10/02/2022 18:12

do much more for others

Lightning020 · 10/02/2022 18:12

I think with life experience we learn to be more tolerant of others. We have more insight and understanding.

devildeepbluesea · 10/02/2022 18:13

@BlackSatinBand

I’m more assertive and take much less nonsense at 45 than I did at 25. So I might not appear ‘nicer’.

But I’m much less selfish and self obsessed, so much more for others and believe my value in life is what I can give to others, which certainly wasn’t my philosophy in my hedonistic youth!

This to a T
KrakowDawn · 10/02/2022 18:14

I sincerely hope so.

Mrsjayy · 10/02/2022 18:22

I'm more assertive now I was a bit of a sap in my 20s that probably comes across as "nice", I like being in my 50s I am able to say what I want and not trip over myself being nice.

Original poster
Housely · 10/02/2022 18:22

@Echobelly

I don't know about nicer - I think I'm more self aware and a bit less superior. For example, I used to think that other women were just being oversensitive because I had never experienced this constant harrassment by men that many women describe or felt very scared of men. But then I listened more and realised I had just been a lucky outlier - clearly it was a very real problem and just because it hadn't happened to me didn't mean it hadn't happened to other people. Ditto with racism, I thought of myself as non-racist but I'll admit I didn't feel racism could be that bad in this country because I'd never seen any. But I realise now of course I haven't, most racism is of a sort that is not obvious unless you're on the receiving end of it and how could I know what that was like? I don't know if that makes me a better person, but I am trying!
I can identify with all of this.
OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 10/02/2022 18:24

@Mrsjayy

I'm more assertive now I was a bit of a sap in my 20s that probably comes across as "nice", I like being in my 50s I am able to say what I want and not trip over myself being nice.
Yes, this is my experience too.
PlanetNormal · 10/02/2022 18:25

No.

I’m grumpier, more impatient, more introverted, more cynical, more misanthropic than I was in my 20s. I’m not proud of any of this, but the sociable, naive, idealistic younger me has been mugged by reality.

ABitBesottedWithMyDog · 10/02/2022 18:27

No, the opposite. I see in my beautiful DD the kind, naive, gentle soul that I used to be.

Camomila · 10/02/2022 18:33

I think I'm less nice Sad

I spent my teens, uni years and early 20s doing lots of charity volunteering, going to Amnesty meetings, peaceful marches etc. I was very "aware" and wanted to help everyone.

I'm 34 now, married with 2 small DC, working, trying to save for a deposit (main source of stress), and I'm just too tired to help anyone apart from my family/close friends. I recycle but that's about it.

Camomila · 10/02/2022 18:34

On the plus side, I am starting to teach DS1 (nearly 6) about politics.

LovelyQuiche · 10/02/2022 18:37

I think I’m a much better person and definitely much less selfish. I think I didn’t really grow up until I was past 25 years old

Loopytiles · 10/02/2022 18:38

What is ‘nicer’ or ‘better’v

I’ve never been ‘nice’ in my own head! Have always been polite, friendly etc but not done a lot to help people.

I think I was a much better daughter, colleague, friend, partner and child before I had DC. Have given much less time, attention, help to all others since then.

Ionlydomassiveones · 10/02/2022 18:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

ArtOfTheImpossible · 10/02/2022 18:40

Yes. In my 20s and well into 30s I was like a 4 year old living in an adult's body. C-ptsd. I wouldn't have intended to, but I would have come across as needy, desperate. I didn't have the ability to read or react appropriately to social cues. Very similar to female autism. People found me intensely irritating but I just found their rejecting hurtful. Now in my 40s I'm figuring out life. So, probably a better person as a result but I feel I've missed out on a huge chunk of life.

AlDanvers · 10/02/2022 18:47

Hmm I think I am a better person. But not surebif I would be perceived as nicer.

When I was younger, I was push over. Felt that I had to be nice to everyone even if they were awful. Even ended up spending my 20s and early 30s, trying to be nice to my abusive husband.

But now, I am still pleasant to people, but if will treat people how they treat me. I don't put myself out for people just so they like me and I do try and look after myself as well. I do say no.

But I think I am a better person. When I do kind things its because I think its the right thing to do. Not because I feel I should try and make people like me. My family and friends are everything and I am there for them 100%, just like they are for me.

PotatoGoblins · 10/02/2022 18:49

I think it’s 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other for me.
In my late teens/early 20’s I was in the army, which is a pretty brutal environment for such a young person. As bad as it sounds, I saw things quite black and white, and my sense of empathy was seriously lacking. I was pretty numb to the world in all honesty. I didn’t have time for unpleasant emotions or situations that might evoke unpleasant emotions, so I trained myself to not allow myself to feel them. Which I suppose made me a pretty unpleasant human in the grand scheme of things. I was never outright horrible to people, or deliberately set out to upset people. But I think the way I viewed the world and myself in it, just wasn’t conducive with socialising with anyone outside of the very close-knit military “bubble”.
Fast forward to now, I’m pushing 30, I’m a mum of 3 who’s been married and separated. I work with the public and I encounter all sorts of people. I’m also studying a subject that requires delving into the social sciences, which really opened my eyes to “the bigger picture” and how things aren’t always what they appear. I’d say I’m a much more pleasant person to be around these days. I can empathise with people. I allow myself to feel all the emotions I would have blocked out 10 years ago. I enjoy being around all sorts of people now.

Ladylornax12 · 10/02/2022 18:58

No! I’m jaded, stressed and just trying to get myself and my family through each day to the extent that I give zero fucks about most other people. I’m tired, I used to be so kind and caring but then life happened.

SpikeDearheart · 10/02/2022 19:01

I've always had good intentions but more life experience has definitely given me a greater understanding of other people's perspectives and experiences and, I hope, greater sensitivity to them.

1FootInTheRave · 10/02/2022 19:09

No. I think I've always been a decent and good person.

My 30's brought a sense of comfort, as in being happy in my own skin.

Which in turn, made me more assertive and less likely to give a shit. I am not mean nor unkind though. Never have been. Have always been seen as 'no nonsense and bolshy' but more in a positive way rather than being seen as difficult.

corlan · 10/02/2022 19:11

I was so much 'nicer' when I was younger but I was a people pleaser and got taken advantage of frequently. I treat people how they treat me now and don't feel any compunction to be nice to arseholes!

MoltenLasagne · 10/02/2022 19:15

God no - I was too nice in my 20s, I'd had some shitty experiences so I was a chronic people pleaser which led to further shitty experiences because I didn't feel able to stand up for myself.

Now in my 30s I have learnt how and when to set boundaries and I am finally happy being assertive. I'm still a very nice person, in fact I'm probably a much better friend, relative and colleague to those who deserve it because I don't waste my time trying to please everybody else too.

Mrsjayy · 10/02/2022 19:28

I think I framed nice as a negative I shouldn't have? I think I'm a decent human being and helpful and caring there is nothing wrong with being nice but I think "nice" people can be taken advantage of, whereas now I am more self aware.

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