How to understand, support and help my child's behaviour

[LucindaJane]

I have a lovely 4.5yr old DD. Imaginative, funny, caring, creative - she's great.

She has always struggled though to regulate her emotions and behaviour. I understand completely that she is still only little and I try my best to help her regulate and feel calm, happy etc. I recognise that we all have tough days (I struggle with my mental health myself) and I don't expect her to be happy all the time, or co-operative all the time.

But I don't know if I need to do anything differently. She struggles to fall asleep unless she's absolutely exhausted, and we co-sleep so I lie with her until she's asleep and we listen to stories together. But she always, always wants more chapters and really struggles when I gently tell her no more, even though I try and give her lots of warnings as to what's coming ("one more chapter now and then sleep time" for example).

When plans change she really struggles. Even if it's sometimes a good change, like today when I was able to be at pick up as well as my mum. She didn't want me there as she wasn't expecting me.
She has expectations and routines almost. I think she thought my mum would buy her more food as that's what happened last time she picked her up after nursery. My daughter really wasn't in need of a full meal, as she had literally just eaten all of her lunch and pudding, yet when I gently tried to explain this and offer that we come back to the shop later, or just pop in and get something else, she completely broke down. Lots of crying, screaming, biting and kicking, trying to run into the road. She cannot be told no without getting very upset 95% of the time.
I don't think she is being naughty as such - she seems to just get so upset that it takes over her. She has once asked me afterwards "what happened, how did we get here" (home) as once she recovers, it's like a switch is flicked and all of those big feelings have got our and gone away now.

I have tried to talk about feelings, we have read books (she loves books). But when she gets upset she goes from 0-60 so fast. I'm sitting here with a bruise on my arm from where I've been bitten today (and kicked, and scratched and pinched and had my hair pulled) and I just need to know how to help her more as this is really getting me down.

She is tried today which has made things worse but even if she isn't tired/hungry she is still so emotional. Does anyone have any advice? Sorry for the long post, don't have anyone to talk to you about this.

Anyone else have a quite emotional child and has any advice?

It’s bloody tough! My kids school suggested a now and then board- so they know what’s happening and when but like yo my said it’s hard when that changes. Lots of books about emotions- I’ve got one called it’s good to keep calm, it’s really well written. You could make a poster together of how to calm down and ask school to laminate it? I think clear expectations of behaviour and consistency helps.

Explaining it’s ok to feel angry but it’s not ok to hurt others when you are angry

For a 4.5yr old that sounds quite tricky. Have nursery expressed any concerns about her behaviour? If it is as tough as it sounds I would start by contacting your HV and asking for a referral for her behaviour.

The inflexibility of thought, difficulties expressing emotions and the impulsive 'switch flicking' moments do sound as though you may need a little more of a specialist intervention to work out what is going on.

I do the 'now,then' a lot when we talk. I might need to do it visually for her as well perhaps.

I'm the only one she hurts when she gets like this. She might cry and whine a bit sometimes for others (as kids too), but these big explosive periods are just with me. We've talked a lot when calm, about how we can't hurt when angry and how there are other ways to calm down, but it just goes out of the window when she reaches her limit.

I'll check out your book rec - thanks

If it goes out the window when angry that’s when a calm down poster may help. Like visual clues of what to do when feeling angry.

It’s also key for her to learn to recognise when she is starting to feel angry so then she can tell someone and they can help her before she’s lost it.

So maybe 2 posters-
One of pictures of spotting the angry signs and one poster of how to calm down?

My 4yo is exactly like this. I am hoping that it is just that she is still young and that better emotional regulation will come with age. It’s very tough sometimes.

Sometimes she is able to go into another room to calm down or to take 5 big breaths etc, and I think we’re making progress. But usually she is too far gone by that stage and has already slapped or is screaming.

@OnceuponaRainbow18

If it goes out the window when angry that’s when a calm down poster may help. Like visual clues of what to do when feeling angry.

It’s also key for her to learn to recognise when she is starting to feel angry so then she can tell someone and they can help her before she’s lost it.

So maybe 2 posters-
One of pictures of spotting the angry signs and one poster of how to calm down?

This is super helpful, thanks. I will work on creating a proper, dedicated calm down corner or feelings corner with visual resources. I've seen something like this on pinterest but hadn't thought to show her how to spot signs she is becoming angry/overwhelmed.

Teach her the box breating technique, OP.

Have a look at these too! Breathing is such a pathway to calm.
www.kindercare.com/content-hub/articles/2016/october/mindful-breathing-for-kids

I wonder too if she isn't tired. My friend's daughter was and remains (sorry to say) exactly like yours. But she's now 12 years old and I have to say, it's been hard for us to watch my friend deal with this for years and years and years. But I know my friend's daughter well because she grew up with my own daughter and she just does not sleep. She can stay up all night on an iPad. She is the same at home. She has real issues with sleeping. So I think it's important to get to the root of why your DD is 'switched on'. It seems like it's hard for her to rest her chemistry, so to speak.
Do baths help soothe her/relax her?
I just have a feeling that better sleep will help her. Because I imagine you're up quite late for a 4 year old, trying to get her to sleep.
I say this as a breeder of terrible sleepers who really needed support in their sleeping patterns in their early years.
Has their been a change in the family dynamics, a divorce, a move, etc?

What do you do when she hurts you? At that moment?

@SourMilkGhyll

For a 4.5yr old that sounds quite tricky. Have nursery expressed any concerns about her behaviour? If it is as tough as it sounds I would start by contacting your HV and asking for a referral for her behaviour.

The inflexibility of thought, difficulties expressing emotions and the impulsive 'switch flicking' moments do sound as though you may need a little more of a specialist intervention to work out what is going on.

Nursery say she is a lovely little girl, which of course she is. I don't get to speak to her keywords very often and the uploads on the app can be a little sparse at the minute. Her last proper report - the summer one - was good. Everything developing fine.

Her keyworker has told me that she struggles to engage her with things unless she's really interested. She just wants to run around. She does have a little friendship group there, though I have noticed she has quite a rigid understanding of the rules of the games they play, very much like she has noticed how they play and is trying to fit in, even at her detriment ("no I can't play that game, those games are only for boys"). She has very strict rules about boys and girls and therefore tells me she wants to be a boy.

She engages the most at nursery it seems when she can talk about what she knows. She lives books and nature and loves to explain things to her keyworker and the other children.
I do worry that she doesn't feel totally comfortable at nursery. She never asks to go (but always checks what day is today/tomorrow and is it a nursery, who is taking me etc. She once told me that there are too many children at nursery and she doesn't have enough room.

I will speak my HV but was worried that they would just dismiss me.

Are there any other behaviours that you haven't mentioned? Just the one thing that stands out to me is that she gets so upset when plans change even a little bit. My son is like this although to a lesser extent now. We did suspect autism which obviously may still be the case but he was very very anxious generally and I think knowing what was happening gave him a sense of control. We did a cbt course for him and this has been much better.

@Catabogus

Sometimes she is able to go into another room to calm down or to take 5 big breaths etc, and I think we’re making progress. But usually she is too far gone by that stage and has already slapped or is screaming.

Too far gone sounds about right for us too. And although I try to respect her wishes if she asks me to go away, she tends to be a little destructive or could be unsafe if left too much on her own.

@TheVanguardSix I think she is tired, yes. I've been working hard to try and address this as on nursery says (3x week) she has to be at 6.30am latest. I give lots of countdowns and warnings throughout the late afternoon and evening, so she knows what we're doing next and when bedtime is going to be. We read our books and have audiobooks in bed as well as we can turn the lights out for that and it keeps her still and settled in the bed. Baths can give her a second wind to be honest.

No changes in the house, no. Everything is exactly as it has always been.

@Soontobe60

What do you do when she hurts you? At that moment?

I always used to say "no, we don't bite/hit etc" This started when she went through a biting stage at 2 (me, not other children). The hitting started around then too. The kicking happens usually if she is frustrated at bedtime. She doesn't usually bite unless she is really struggling. But she will pull hair and pinch and hit and throw. I moved on to saying "I can't let you hit/throw etc" which I still say but in the last few weeks have been saying "no, mummy doesn't deserve to be hit, I'm not going to let you do that".

I would normally love away a little and give her some physical space if she is lashing out, except if we are out and it wouldn't be safe to do so. So today I did get bitten and pinched, because I had no choice but to be right there with her as she was going to run into the road otherwise.

@Newuser82 I think she struggles with anxiety but hadn't thought of CBT.

It's hard to think whether I'm missing anything. I don't want to make her sound really difficult or bad - she is a lovely child honestly.

It is very early but I would be wondering if she might possibly have ASD. Could you ask nursery for a meeting to discuss your concerns, and ask if there are any observations they could do or if there is any support they can offer? You could also talk to your HV.

Hi it may be that she is anxious or finding she is 'using up' all her good behaviour at school. It does also sound like my daughter was at 5 and she is now 14 and we are at the point of an autism diagnosis. Not saying that is true for your daughter but worth considering. I couldn't get anyone to take me seriously about autism as girls often present in ways schools and doctors don't think of as autistic.

It's not too early to think ASD. Ds had been diagnosed by then.

What is she like sensory wise?

Tips: feed her and keep blood pressure stable, give her enough to drink, keep her temperature regulated.

Find some calming activities to do with her daily.

Spot the warning signs of impending meltdown and stop adding anything extra into the mix at this point. A quiet firm rocking hug may help.

List behaviours in the Triad of impairment. Take it to your GP. Ask for a referral to a developmental paediatrician.

Do a parenting course. You can then say I did X course and implemented y strategies and there is still a problem

Baths can give her a second wind to be honest.

Oh my goodness that brings me right back to one of mine (amazingly, I can't remember which one) who would absolutely get a second wind from a bath. I'd forgotten about that!
Goodness, I think that 6:30am start time at nursery says everything. And I hope I'm not making you feel guilty, OP. Sometimes, you've just got to do what you've got to do. But I think that early rising, combined with a long day school, combined with her very young age, really could explain a lot.
I wonder if those long days of holding it together are creating a little geyser of rage and frustration inside of her. She's telling you, "I'm not coping." But you'll have to explore what's at the root of her inability to cope.
Does she have too much transition in her day? Even though the places are familiar, perhaps she changes scenery too much during her weekdays. Some children just can't cope with too much transition.

She starts nursery at 7.30am Mon, Thurs and Fri. Gets picked up at 1pm. I brought her down from 4 sessions and have delayed her school start to 5yrs in Sep 2022. I try to just get her home after nursery and leave any outings/errands to our days off in the week or weekend. We have a lot of downtime.

@BlackeyedSusan

It's not too early to think ASD. Ds had been diagnosed by then.

What is she like sensory wise?

Tips: feed her and keep blood pressure stable, give her enough to drink, keep her temperature regulated.

Find some calming activities to do with her daily.

Spot the warning signs of impending meltdown and stop adding anything extra into the mix at this point. A quiet firm rocking hug may help.

List behaviours in the Triad of impairment. Take it to your GP. Ask for a referral to a developmental paediatrician.

Do a parenting course. You can then say I did X course and implemented y strategies and there is still a problem

Sensory wise. She used to hate loud noises like hand dryers and blenders. And had a real fear of a relatives toilet because it made a noise. But she has gotten over these now. She finds it difficult if people are talking whilst she is trying to watch something and will shout at us to be quiet. I did buy her ear defenders when she struggled at a dance class last year, but she only wore them for 2 sessions and has declined to wear them elsewhere. She hated the cinema, got really upset at the darkness and volume and we had to leave. She is okay with textures of clothes. Just very particular lately about what she will wear (colours mainly). She loves getting wet - runs the taps fast splashes in the bath loads, loves the pool and the sea, puddles, water play. She really needs to move. She jumps around a lot at home, on beds and sofas and runs into the sofas. She builds assault courses out of pillows and cushions, climbs on the edge of the sofa and tries to swing from the door. Runs right into us and gives really strong hugs.

She doesn't like being touched when is very upset. Would absolutely reject being held.

I will keep a closer eye on her hunger levels and thirst. She does ask easily for food and drink and will help herself to what she can reach if she needs something. But I will think more in terms of blood sugar etc. I do try to make sure she has enough protein and lots of veggies/fruit.

I like sensory/messy play and I find she likes it. But we live with my mum who finds the mess stressful so I can't get it out much. Vat water/rice/loose parts are very much enjoyed here.
I like painting with her but she does get very messy and will cover herself in the paint in the end, so I try and use magic painting stuff I between.
She is calmed the most by stories. Both physical books and audio books. She will listen to me reading or an audio book for 3 hours easily.

I'm more than happy to do a parenting course so will look into that. Will also prepare to go to GP. Thank you.

Google the coke can analogy. It's to do with autistic kids and I'm in no way saying your daughter is autistic but it might help you to understand why she "goes from 0 to 60",...she's likely not really, that's just what you're seeing but the stress has been bulging slowly over the day, like a coke can being shook every now and then, then it just takes one tiny move to pop the can open and all the coke goes everywhere...

@MistyFrequencies I know, and I feel awful that I'm not helping her or worse, am making her day worse and worse until she explodes. I want to be a stable, calm, loving influence and be exactly what she needs. Going to have to work harder to keep things more stable for her.

She sounds exactly like my DD since the age of 3-4. She's now 8 and recently diagnosed ASD.