How to understand, support and help my child's behaviour

[LucindaJane]

I have a lovely 4.5yr old DD. Imaginative, funny, caring, creative - she's great.

She has always struggled though to regulate her emotions and behaviour. I understand completely that she is still only little and I try my best to help her regulate and feel calm, happy etc. I recognise that we all have tough days (I struggle with my mental health myself) and I don't expect her to be happy all the time, or co-operative all the time.

But I don't know if I need to do anything differently. She struggles to fall asleep unless she's absolutely exhausted, and we co-sleep so I lie with her until she's asleep and we listen to stories together. But she always, always wants more chapters and really struggles when I gently tell her no more, even though I try and give her lots of warnings as to what's coming ("one more chapter now and then sleep time" for example).

When plans change she really struggles. Even if it's sometimes a good change, like today when I was able to be at pick up as well as my mum. She didn't want me there as she wasn't expecting me.
She has expectations and routines almost. I think she thought my mum would buy her more food as that's what happened last time she picked her up after nursery. My daughter really wasn't in need of a full meal, as she had literally just eaten all of her lunch and pudding, yet when I gently tried to explain this and offer that we come back to the shop later, or just pop in and get something else, she completely broke down. Lots of crying, screaming, biting and kicking, trying to run into the road. She cannot be told no without getting very upset 95% of the time.
I don't think she is being naughty as such - she seems to just get so upset that it takes over her. She has once asked me afterwards "what happened, how did we get here" (home) as once she recovers, it's like a switch is flicked and all of those big feelings have got our and gone away now.

I have tried to talk about feelings, we have read books (she loves books). But when she gets upset she goes from 0-60 so fast. I'm sitting here with a bruise on my arm from where I've been bitten today (and kicked, and scratched and pinched and had my hair pulled) and I just need to know how to help her more as this is really getting me down.

She is tried today which has made things worse but even if she isn't tired/hungry she is still so emotional. Does anyone have any advice? Sorry for the long post, don't have anyone to talk to you about this.

I have to say @LucindaJane my 4.5 year old is nothing like yours at all, but my friends dd who is 4.5 and autistic is exactly as you're describing.

It's not your fault. You sound like a lovely mum who is trying her best. My son is Autistic and he was a coke can, he'd be fine at preschool and then make it to the door of home and completely meltdown, lay on the floor inside the door and scream and cry and kick/ hit anyone who came near him.
What helps us is routine, lots of "first then _", lots of pictures to support plan e.g. Visual timetable, 1:1 support in preschool, working hard to get him enough sleep, trying to feed him every 3-4 hrs seems to help too, even just a piece of fruit or a few nuts.
Please don't feel bad. You just need some good professional advice and things will get better.

TBH you sound like a mum who is really thinking hard about your child’s development and how you can help her. Well done!
All I would add is that when she is hurting you at home, she needs a firm ‘no’ then to be placed somewhere away from you and left for a few minutes. I appreciate that’s difficult to do when you’re not at home. In those instances, when you return home use a firm voice to explain that it is unacceptable to hurt anyone. She needs to see you are cross.
Think more ‘You do NOT hurt mummy’ rather than ‘Mummy doesn’t like it when you hurt her’. She’s old enough to understand.

Sounds alot like my dd she had similar behaviour from age 4 as she has got older her issues have become more apparent and at 9 she has been diagnosed with autism.

Autism presents very differently in girls from the typical impressions of autism. Girls often learn to mask as they get older.
It's worth looking into. I had to fight for dd diagnosis as I kept getting fobbed off.

She does well at school and is only violent at home with us. She has lots of sensory issues. Struggle with transitions and is anxious and always concerned about doing right and being good and struggles when things are not ok.

Lots of things you've mentioned chime with my experiences with my son, who is now 7. He is neurodiverse, but that's not to say your DD is, just that it is maybe worth exploring with the GP.

You might find it interesting to do some research on sensory intergration, and particularly around proprioception; when you see your daughter wanting to move about constantly, crashing and climbing etc, it's proprioceptive input that she is seeking, so you might find that giving her that input in different ways can help to calm and regulate her. Crunchy food helps my son with this (chewing or sucking can help too) so I always try to have an apple or carrot ready if there is a transition I think he may find difficult etc.

The most striking thing to me was how much you say your DD loves stories/audio books as my DS is the same, to an extent that I have honestly never seen in another child (and I'm a KS1 teacher by profession!). He adores stories, and is constantly asking adults around him to make them up for him, or making them up himself. He completely loses himself in them. I've recently bought him a yoto player so that he can have his audiobooks on tap in a much easier format for him to operate than cds.

I also wanted to say re bedtimes - one thing that I found was that I needed to be really firm and unmovable about the routine at bedtime because otherwise he would spiral into controlling the bedtime and me, and not settle down until much later i.e. if I allowed an extra story because he asked for it, then there was no reason for him to not just keep asking for more. Sometimes this became a control battle, and I did try to avoid that, but somethings that worked were having a visual timetable in his bedroom showing what we would do and the order including that it was 2 books/chapters, then mummy kiss him goodnight. If I needed to alter the routine in someway because he was controlling something (in an unhelpful way) then I would talk to him about it during the day and agree what we would do at bedtime - at least once I made him a little social story book also, I think that was to show him that if he lay quietly next to me and tried to sleep, I would stay with him, but if he was hurting me I would leave the room.

I could say so much more, but have probably waffled enough! I hope something in there is useful x

Oh, one other thing! About what to say when she is hurting you - the aim is for her to understand her emotions and be able to regulate them herself, but she will need support to learn how to do that. I often wonder aloud and try to name the feelings for DS, but I do also make it clear that hurting isn't okay, in a non judging/shaming way (she's not in control when she's hurting you, and I'd say she needs you close to help her, not to be left alone to figure it out by herself!) e.g. 'I wonder if you are feeling disappointed because you thought that you would go to the shop with Grandma. It's okay to be disappointed, but it's not okay to hurt Mummy.' If you need to move away to stay safe, you could tell her that 'I'm going to move over here because it's not okay for you to hurt me, but I am still here and when you are ready we can have a cuddle.'

It's a massive deal for us that at 7, my son is able to regulate enough to show some emotions by crying and being inconsolably upset (like a toddler might) rather than by aggression.

Hi OP, I’ve read your posts I would really recommend reading a book by Kate silverton “ there no such thing as naughty” it’s a excellent book for children your DD age who struggle to emotionally regulate themselves and gives parenting techniques( that I know child psychologists would recommend ) to support them to develop the ability to understand their feelings. The techniques she offers for example saying to DD ‘ I can see your feeling frustrated” before she reaches meltdown and getting herself to identify her feelings before it gets a hold of her and she loses control. It takes time but it does really work. I can really relate to aspects of your post and would say to you that I think your DD may have underlying anxiety that is a real trigger for her behaviour. I agree with a previous posters comments about her holding it all in at nursery. Tiredness or change of routine will make the meltdown far worse as you know (!) and I’d suggest giving her iron drops as this will really help reduce fatigue .. with particular parenting techniques, patience and empathy she will mature out if this- the consistency of being in a calm and structured class environment will also help her greatly when she starts in sept. She sounds like a lovely bright little girl; your doing great as a mum and sound really empathetic 💐 this issue is down to her natural temperament and likely a sensitivity to her environment xxx

I could have written this. I asked her school about this and they said she is doing really well, so it's just at home that she's a nightmare.

OP, each thing you have written points more and more to her having ASD tendencies. Please start asking about assessments now as unless you go privately it might take years to happen.