Tell me more about perimenopause rage

[Lottapianos]

I'm 42 and don't think I've got any symptoms yet. I have an occasional sweaty night but might not be peri related. I am getting increasingly sick of everyone's shit though! A colleague was upset in a meeting yesterday and I honestly had no sympathy because she lives on her own planet and doesn't listen to anyone, so brings it on herself

My DP is getting on my last nerve too. We both WFH although in different rooms but I am starting to feel smothered by seeing him all the time. He's been unwell with a dreadful chesty cough for the past 2 weeks. I feel sorry for him because he's been really ill, but I'm also sick to death of hearing the coughing, and snotting, and sniffing I turned off the radio in the kitchen this morning and he got pissed off because he was listening to it. He bloody wasn't! He just likes to have yap yap yap on in the background and it drives me INSANE

So I don't know if all this rage is being in your 40s, the start of peri, or just being a grumpy cow! Can anyone relate?

Bump

I think a combination of all the factors you mention. Peri menopausal rage is a thing, though, for sure! It can be very liberating - try and enjoy it :)

I'm definitely much more comfortable with 'I don't know' and 'I don't care' than I used to be, and that is HUGELY liberating! I do worry that my DP gets more than his fair share of the brunt of it because he's here all the time, but then he is enormously annoying 🤷🏻 difficulty trusting my own judgement I guess

I think most ‘hormonal’ rage is actually justified anger that has been suppressed for months/years! I was never convinced that my “PMT” was unfair or unjustified - it was usually righteous anger that yet again my XDP had disrespected me or let me down. Obvs when it passed I would realise that on another day I may not have reacted so strongly, but then nothing would have changed so sometimes you DO need to let people know when they’re being annoying or just plain wrong without feeling guilty about it!

@RoyKentsChestHair

I think most ‘hormonal’ rage is actually justified anger that has been suppressed for months/years! I was never convinced that my “PMT” was unfair or unjustified - it was usually righteous anger that yet again my XDP had disrespected me or let me down. Obvs when it passed I would realise that on another day I may not have reacted so strongly, but then nothing would have changed so sometimes you DO need to let people know when they’re being annoying or just plain wrong without feeling guilty about it!

This! Finally you lose the ability or need to mask your rightful anger.

Everyone gets a surprise that you are not putting up with their shit anymore.

I don’t know. I’m the same age as you and have definitely noticed my PMT is becoming more extreme. But there’s so much else going on in my life at the moment that I don’t know if it’s that rather than the perimenopause causing the uncontrollable rages. I hear you though.

I got the rages briefly at 49 after 11 months of no periods, then suddenly they returned with the rage and extreme PMS feelings. I tolerated three months and then got HRT. I didn’t notice anthing early 40’s. I started having super heavy and long periods when I was about 46 then night sweats during the 11 months of no periods.

It could well be peri menopause, I recognize a lot of what you're saying!
A strange time, but one of the benefits is that you won't ever take any nonsense from anyone ever again.
I became so much more outgoing.
I found my voice and surprised myself many a time.
Finally standing up for myself and things I believed in.
A liberating time, enjoy it.

I’ve acquired a mouth like Ricky Gervais - I can’t keep it in .
DH told me to watch After Life as I remind him of the lead at times.

I’m only 43 though so G.P won’t prescribe HRT even though I have all the symptoms. He gave me anxiety meds, which are still in the drawer.

I hear you OP, and agree with some other posters here too - I'm less tolerant of everyone's shit (though not always as vocal about it as I'd like to be) and the sound of DH eating cereal in the morning drives me crazy. I think our partners are the ones we're most likely to channel these negative feelings towards, unfortunately.

I believe I'm in early perimenopause but I also think mid-life in general and pandemic life is fuelling feelings of rage/ despair/ existential angst. It's so hard to pinpoint whether it's hormones or just life!

I can 100% relate, and you have my sympathy. When I first got the rages (around 46 or so) I didn't realise I was peri, but got so concerned about my rages (and the way they were affecting me and my relationship with DH) that I went to counselling. I was really worried I was having some kind of weird breakdown because what didn't bother me in the slightest one day would send me into a full on rage of shouting and crying the next. I truly thought I was losing my mind.

Luckily the therapist I saw was my age, and after just talking it over with her in that first session she said let's start by discounting any medical / hormonal cause, and suggested I got a full blood work up including hormones and vitamin levels.

The results showed I was in early peri, and within 2 months of starting my HRT my 'crazy rages' had gone.

I've been on HRT ever since, (now am 60) and feel great. I have noticed that as I got older my general tolerance level for other people's crap has definitely lowered, but it's not like the illogical rages I had so I just enjoy not being a pushover any more. If things annoy me I say my piece and make sure people including DH know where I draw my lines, but without feeling overwhelmed or out of control like I did.

OP, if you are wondering if you are being a bit unfair on your DP and are questioning your judgement, it might be worth getting your levels checked so you can at least know for sure if peri might be the cause. Once you know one way or another you can then decide if there is another issue (like your relationship dynamics) that you need to address.

Good luck

Had my levels checked and they were in the 'normal' range so got dismissed.

But I've had night sweats, periods are all over the place, in flow and timing (cycles can be anywhere between 10-55 days), massively increased anxiety, really achey, brain fog, and I do get irrationally angry about really minor things.

True story. About 12 months ago I could have happily murdered DH in the aisle at Tesco over a sodding panini.
It was utterly ridiculous, and whats more I knew it was ridiculous but I still argued my side.

That was a culmination of about 12 months of being arsey over absolutely everything. I was snappy at DH, snappy with the (adult)kids, even posts on here we lacking in any sympathy or empathy.

Eventually after having a bit of a fall out with the GP (the only time when getting angry was actually beneficial for me) he prescribed HRT and I became chilled out and much more me again within a few months. I was 47 at the time.

I had to apologise to DH for being hell to live with, though I still maintain I was right over the bloody Panini 😂

'I think most ‘hormonal’ rage is actually justified anger that has been suppressed for months/years!'

This is such a good point. Female anger / rage is so often dismissed as 'hormonal', 'time of the month' and that sort of thing. Women are just not allowed to be legitimately angry. So it's difficult to stay with anger, feel it, and recognise it as legitimate

My DP is lovely. He really is - thoughtful, kind, absolutely pulls his weight around the house etc. He also makes tiresome little jokes frequently, which make me feel like a bear being poked with a stick to provoke a reaction. And he walks around the house singing. These things ( along with a few others) used to annoy me but now make me feel murderous. I just want to bellow at him to FUCK OFF and leave me alone. I guess like many other people he's mix of lovely and bloody annoying. Hard to tell if my changing reactions to him are down to changes in me, or just built up frustrations from 16 years of his annoying shit. Will keep an eye on it

Thank you to posters who have felt similar and said they understood. Very very helpful, and quite calming actually

'But I've had night sweats, periods are all over the place, in flow and timing (cycles can be anywhere between 10-55 days), massively increased anxiety, really achey, brain fog, and I do get irrationally angry about really minor things.'

Now see, that absolutely sounds like perimenopause to me (no expert). Im sure I read that checking hormone levels through a blood test was pointless, as they fluctuate si much, even over the course of one day, and that the guidance for doctors was to prescribe HRT to any woman over 45 with symptoms like yours.

@Lottapianos

'But I've had night sweats, periods are all over the place, in flow and timing (cycles can be anywhere between 10-55 days), massively increased anxiety, really achey, brain fog, and I do get irrationally angry about really minor things.'

Now see, that absolutely sounds like perimenopause to me (no expert). Im sure I read that checking hormone levels through a blood test was pointless, as they fluctuate si much, even over the course of one day, and that the guidance for doctors was to prescribe HRT to any woman over 45 with symptoms like yours.

This was part of my argument with my GP. He insisted I was sent for bloods and refused to do anything when they came back 'within tolerance'. Well of course they did, as I told him before he sent me for them I was on hormonal contraception for heavy periods!

There were so many things I hadn't realised were menopause related. Sore ears. I mean come on! Who'd have associated that one!? That and my ridiculous need to pee a dozen times a night. Like you I was anxious, forgetful and seemed to exist rather than live. I had no desire to do anything other than life basics and would rather stew in front of the TV than go out for a walk.

Someone on here gave me a link to a menopause checklist, which I filled out, along with NICE guidelines and handed to my GP. Thats when he listened. I dont remember which one it was but there is one here:

menopausecare.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/Menopause-Symptoms-Checklist.pdf

@susi888 refer your doc to the NICE guidelines. Blood tests could be done but he could prescribe on symptoms. Anti depressants and the like are not advised.

The rages and not taking any crap are different things for me. The former worried me and I’ve dealt with them using CBT as I can’t take HRT.

The latter is great. Possibly something to do with no longer needing our caring hormones?

Interestingly you can also have cold flashes, as peri sends the internal thermometer haywire.

When I was in the peri phase my DH developed a really annoying habit:

He'd breath in, then he'd breath out, he'd breath in, then he'd breath out, and he just kept on doing it

Thankfully for both of us I started on HRT and stopped being so annoyed with his bloody habit!

@Summerhillsquare- thank you, I’ll see what he says.

'He'd breath in, then he'd breath out, he'd breath in, then he'd breath out, and he just kept on doing it grin'

I can relate to this! Death by firing squad just for breathing 🤣

It pissed me off how many women practically have to get on their knees and beg for HRT. It's not our bloody fault that GPs have next to no menopause training. Do they think we want to go on HRT just for shits and giggles?

@Lottapianos

'But I've had night sweats, periods are all over the place, in flow and timing (cycles can be anywhere between 10-55 days), massively increased anxiety, really achey, brain fog, and I do get irrationally angry about really minor things.'

Now see, that absolutely sounds like perimenopause to me (no expert). Im sure I read that checking hormone levels through a blood test was pointless, as they fluctuate si much, even over the course of one day, and that the guidance for doctors was to prescribe HRT to any woman over 45 with symptoms like yours.

I'm not 45 yet. Was thinking of going back as, while I don't mind the 50 odd day cycles, the 10 - 14 day ones are exhausting. Might be worth hanging on a couple of months until after my birthday.

And yes, my GP did say the blood test didn't necessarily mean much. But she also doesn't seem to believe in peri-menopause.

I think I'm going to wait a couple of months and then try and see someone else. Gives me a few more months to record symptoms as well.

There were so many things I hadn't realised were menopause related. Sore ears.

What's the sore ears thing? What sort of sore ears?

Also - examples of irrational anger: DH put a frying pan in the sink. That was it.

I am the same op. My dh is always coughing and snorting and it can drive me mad. I have also just got sick of work stuff and just handed my notice in with no job to go to, I've done this twice now and it's not really like me to act like this.