How many 'favours' do you do for people per year and what are those favours?

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I am interested in what the 'norm' is really as DP has described me as 'too helpful' towards others this week and I am wondering if he might be right and if I need to seek a more balanced approach and say no more often.

He isn't being a dick about it at all, more looking out for me as I am having some health issues at the moment and he wants me to focus more on myself. So in any given year, how many favours do you do for other people and what do those favours look like? I don't mean paid work, just things you do that 'help' other people out with no transactional quality to them? TIA

I don't know - I don't count the number of favours I do for people. I only do what I can, when I can though. I've learned not to be a martyr because most people really don't care unless they're getting something from you (It could be anything from neighbourly parcel-receiver to something bigger than that). So I only do/give what I can happily and willingly offer.

If what you're doing is affecting you negatively/your health, then I agree with your husband to not let that happen and take a balanced approach.

Do people count them?! I’d have absolutely no idea. Also it depends what you count as a ‘favour’.
I help my mum out with a lot of things because she lives on her own and doesn’t have much money. I help my best friend out with childcare a lot as she has a very stressful job and her husband is a cunt. If someone asks me to do something for them, if I can then I generally will. Mostly this is reciprocated. I have no idea how many times that adds up to in a year though.

Depends what you mean by favour? I do small favours all the time e.g. giving someone a lift, picking a friends child up from school, grabbing some bits from the shop.

Big favours, probably not so much but mainly because they don't come up so much. E.g. I currently have six cats in my house as a friend has had to move somewhere temporarily so I have her cats as well as my own.

Do you even think about you are doing a favour when you are helping someone? I never thought about it that way.

You do things for others if you can, and happy to do. But if you feel stressed or have negative effects on you by doing so, maybe you need to think twice, like your dh suggests.

I don’t count them.

I come from a big and very computer illiterate family and I’m very much into IT so I get asked to do a lot of things- order things online, help with online tax info, submit forms, book things, help get hard-to-get concert tickets (I have a knack), set-up new laptops, help nieces and nephews with tech they need for school, help with homework if they’re stuck, reset Sky boxes- all that kind of thing. I babysit for my siblings’ kids too.

I don’t have children, and never need any help with technology so they’re not favours that can be returned but I do feel appreciated in other ways and would have no bother asking my sister to help me out if I needed it. Like if we were going out for the night and not driving, I’d have no shortage of people to give us a lift into town, or if I was stuck in work and needed to pick up a prescription before the pharmacy closed, I could ask in our family WhatsApp if anyone could grab it for me and they’d go out of their way to do it.

My husband thinks I do too much, but his family is much smaller and there’s a different dynamic so he doesn’t really get why I like helping out when I can.

My OH is the same, he thinks I'm too helpful and that I'm taken advantage of.
Recently, mum is terminally ill, I've coped with this and and the additional workload of looking after her, sisters dissappear when something needs doing.
For other people, recently, I've given lifts, done shopping, picked up their children, lent money, taken rubbish to the tip, done washing and dried it in my drier, walked a dog, picked up dog poo from the dog owners garden, done someone's housework and put bins out and collected prescriptions.
I work full time too, I'm constantly knackered, yep I'm a mug 🙄
Btw no one ever does anything for me, when I've asked its either a straight out no or an excuse is made, I don't ask anymore

That sounds miserably transactional, to count and define your actions. As others have said, help where you can with what you can. Don't keep a tally and expect something back.

Hmm, I don’t count them.

But in the past two weeks I have :

• included some specific things in my online grocery shop for a family member, as the local shop stopped stocking them.
• gone to a close friend’s house to help her design/plan an extension as she wanted a second pair of eyes on it I got cake though so that was fun for me!
• given a school mum some clothes my youngest has overgrown that would be suitable for her youngest.

So I guess 3 favours but none were very onerous!

I stopped doing them when I realised that I would happily help out but it things weren't reciprocated in any way. Not a transactional thing, but I realised I saw helping out as a mark of mutual respect, and when that respect was missing I might have well as put mug on my forehead

What kind of favours are you doing OP?

I don’t do very many… I would help a relative move house for example but this isn’t very often.

Surely people do favours for others every day!

Cover bits of work or meetings for colleagues, give lifts to other people's dc or do childcare, fix things around dm's house or sort things online for her, do the washing up when it is dp's turn etc.

No idea how many, but I feel that people around me generally reciprocate and I don't feel taken advantage of.

I don't count them. Lots, I would say. Elderly mum often needs a favour and if I'm available I'll do it. Adult DC the same. Neighbours not so much, but when they're stuck and come to me if I can help I do. I don't see it as tit for tat though. I help out because I want to, not to gain brownie points to trade in when I might need a favour down the line.

I never really thought about it like that. 1 friend I fed her cats regularly when she went away.
One friend I too feed her cat. She read through Ds1's University Personal Statement.
I never feel I'm being made a mug of though. So, I do think you should consider what your Dh is saying, because the moment someone says it, it's invariably right.

I'm happy to help out when needed, but I rarely offer (unless it is really obvious), mainly because I'm used to being self-sufficient so it doesn't occur to me!

I have a friend who does people favours all the time, but always offers - and it's always the most random stuff and really isn't necessary - like she is getting an Ocado shop, so does anyone want anything (no, because I have my own delivery coming and, shock horror, there are actually shops I can walk to) and I wonder whether she thinks her favours aren't reciprocated.

I think I have thrown everyone with the counts, sorry. I am a researcher so its natural to me to a break things down into units of output and count things. I am in love with the frequency function in excel and give me a percentile all day every day. It is how my brain works!

Not that many, but I don’t get many either.

I think the thing to watch is do you have scope for them and are they appreciated or reciprocated or are people taking the piss?

"That sounds miserably transactional, to count and define your actions. As others have said, help where you can with what you can. Don't keep a tally and expect something back."

I don't think that's what the OP is trying to do. Her DH has indicated that what she's doing is unreasonable. She's trying to gauge 'reasonableness' by asking others what they do. Yes, this info is very limited because it's contingent on the individual's particular circumstances. However, info about others' behaviour might be useful at the far ends of the scale. For example, what if the OP spends 90% of her free time helping others because she thinks this is socially expected? Or, what if her DH was quite controlling and didn't want her to spend even half an hour a fortnight focused on others? Finding out what others do might help in these kinds of circumstances.

That said, op, I think it would be much more efficient for you to put down what you do and how it affects you so that others can give you an idea about whether you might be an 'outlier'.

@Oblomov22 - you are indeed correct. I never gave a moments thought to my helpfulness at all until DP mentioned it and now I am wondering if indeed I do have mug written across my forehead.

I used to offer to do favours a lot and then get upset when no one offered to do me a favour. I am the kind of person that finds it difficult to ask for help and would, in all but the most extreme emergencies, rather just manage than ask a favour.

Since I have stopped offering to do favours and instead wait to be asked I realise how rarely others also actually ask.

Are you offering OP or waiting to be asked?

I actually don't help out expecting people to reciprocate. To me, if we're exchanging "favours", then it's not a favour really as we're both benefitting from each other. I help strangers, friends, family in the same way and only do what I can afford to do. It takes the thought of expecting something in return or feeling like a mug when they don't reciprocate out of the equation.

I do enjoy helping people, so maybe that helps me to not see it as favour when I do.

I'm also good at saying no or not helping if I can't. I think it's when I'd go so far out of my way or when it's a big inconvenience that I begin to feel used if it's a regular thing or not reciprocated in some way.

I think there is a difference between small things and large things.

For example since the start of the year I have helped friends who have COVID or one child has COVID take/collect from school who are DS friends. This hasnt involved anymore than picking up said child because they are dropped off on the way home.

Often car share as well for parties etc or going places because it is fairly easy to do.

All of it though is done really without thinking

Bigger things - we helped a friend move house, helped another clean out a house, pet sat a hamster for a week and another fed their rabbits. Again no big deal though and I know they would in return

So are you putting yourself out for people who wouldnt do the same for you?

I'd never think to count to be honest. If you can help someone, why wouldn't you...

"Are you offering OP or waiting to be asked?"

This is a very good point. I offer favours sparingly, but reliably help people when they ask. Most of my family and friends do this and it seems more effective because people can ask whoever they think is best placed to do the job, rather than simply getting (or having to awkwardly refuse) help from whoever is willing.

Sunday I looked after a friends child for a couple of hours do she could go and do a big supermarket shop. In exchange she picked me up a couple of things when she was shopping and my kid had someone to play with.

3 days this week I'm feeding a neighbour's cat. She'll feed mine when we're away at Easter.

Last night I gave my son's friend a lift to football training. His mum took my son to a birthday party a few weeks back.

This week also I've been picking up a neighbour's child from school because their younger child has broken their leg. I'm sure she'd do the same for me if I needed, and she gave me a box of maltesers when she knocked on the door to ask me.

Give and take, it's all fine with me.

Maybe I'm just lucky that I have lots of people to swap favours with and we never count.

I do remember dh finding it a bit odd at times, but he was working away from home a fair bit, I had 3 young kids. If I hadn't had people to swap childcare and lifts and journeys to and from school with I'd never have survived those years. Dh didn't, and still doesn't, have the same need for favours l.

I also grew up between our house, my auntie's up the road and my best friend's round the corner, we all got fed wherever we happened to be at dinnertime, so I think these sorts of childcare type favours are pretty normal. I know that's not the case for everyone.

The things I get asked to do are really wide and varied, I do not offer. But I can see why people ask me. I guess I always thought 'I have the skill/experience/knowledge so why not?'

Some examples from last year are - taking people's wedding photos, helping people apply for services around their child's SEND and EHCP, supporting friends and friends of friends who have been through DV (referring to support services, to giving a statement to police, helping them move etc.), helping friends relatives with job interview statements, writing training packages (although have put my foot down with this and started charging as they have their own business), dropping off the kids used clothes and shoes that I have put up for sale on FB marketplace etc.

I would rather dig my eyes out with a blunt spoon than ask for help so I will not get or expect a reciprocation - I did ask DD's best friends Mum to confirm her identity for her passport though...