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Original poster

How many 'favours' do you do for people per year and what are those favours?

47 replies

SafeMove · 09/02/2022 10:47

I am interested in what the 'norm' is really as DP has described me as 'too helpful' towards others this week and I am wondering if he might be right and if I need to seek a more balanced approach and say no more often.

He isn't being a dick about it at all, more looking out for me as I am having some health issues at the moment and he wants me to focus more on myself. So in any given year, how many favours do you do for other people and what do those favours look like? I don't mean paid work, just things you do that 'help' other people out with no transactional quality to them? TIA

OP posts:

ancientgran · 09/02/2022 12:39

If I added up all the times I pick GC up from school or have them for weekends/weeks for parents to have a break it would be alot but certainly in the hundreds (there are six of them.)

I occasionally get called on by an excolleague who set up a business and sometimes picks my brain about something.

I give lifts, pop to the shops for someone.

As a retired (well mainly) I do sometimes read CVs or job applications for people.

My husband has never commented as far as I can remember.

I don't know really, I couldn't be bothered to keep a running total.

Original poster

SafeMove · 09/02/2022 12:40

I think posters who are mentioning their family of origins approach to this are making a really good point - my Dad is a 'doer'. He is always planing down someone's door, fetching a prescription for his elderly clients, removing my Christmas Tree from my yard, lending someone a tool. He isn't a mug, just a good person.

OP posts:

Neurodiversitydoctor · 09/02/2022 12:43

Give lifts to Dd's friends - all the time (2 X a week on average)
Swap duties with colleagues, maybe once a month
Pass on grown out clothes, things we don't use anymore- 2-3 times a year
Help people out with minor things-sharing information, lending books, doing things online for DM or DMIL, phoning Dr for other family members - several times a week.

SockFluffInTheBath · 09/02/2022 12:43

I see a favour as something that’s a potential pita done for someone you wouldn’t normally help. Doing something for a close friend or family is just part of that relationship and it (mostly) goes both ways. On that basis I do very few favours, but I regularly go above & beyond for people too close for favours.

Knitter99 · 09/02/2022 12:46

Op you're doing quite a lot of quite big favours there compared to my lift sharing or walking a kid home from school alongside my own.

I can see why your dh maybe feels you're being taken advantage of.

scaredsadandstuck · 09/02/2022 12:52

I think most of mine are childcare related for friends. So this morning someone dropped their kid off with me so they could get into work on time. I do lifts to matches/activities etc. But I feel like it's give and take and I can ask others for help if I need it too.

SkepticalCat · 09/02/2022 12:53

I think many of your favours require an emotional as well as time commitment (SEND/EHCP applications and DV support, so I guess it depends on whether you have that emotional capacity to give (and if you have enough left to support your own and your family's needs).

Triffid1 · 09/02/2022 12:54

Yeah, I'm not sure I'd consider those favours so much as work-that-should-really-be-paid for.

Things I consider favours, usually in some kind of two way process or at least, what goes around comes around type way are are things like picking up someone's child from school or giving them a lift somewhere, doing an extra chore or bit of shopping for someone, lending someone something etc. These are constant and regular with friends/family and tend to work out.

What you're doing goes far beyond that and yes, I'd agree with your Dh that you're probably stretching yourself too thin. I also have to ask - if you're doing this big tasks like helping people with their child's SEN provision, how does it affect you/him/your DC. And do you ever get anything back? Even if it's just a bunch of daffodils to say thank you?

People sometimes ask DH to help them with something he's particularly good at and he doesn't mind usually but it's astonishing how often people have no idea of how much time it takes and/or how little they do to thank him. Also, we have had situations where it's been a problem because he's so busy helping someone else, that I'm landed with trying to look after the kids, do all the chores AND work at the same time?

Triffid1 · 09/02/2022 12:57

I'm actually having a flashback to the time DH's friend asked him to help him with some light furniture moving. We had a colicky, difficult newborn at the time. DH was gone for the ENTIRE day as he didn't feel he could say no when the light furniture moving turned into heavy furniture moving etc etc. I still feel quite angry about the whole thing.

I do think that if one person does a favour for another person, it shouldn't negatively impact a third person. Which might be happening with your DH or family, or your own mental health.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/02/2022 12:58

None. Nobody ever asks me for a favour.

Newestname002 · 09/02/2022 13:06

@Campervangirl

My OH is the same, he thinks I'm too helpful and that I'm taken advantage of. Recently, mum is terminally ill, I've coped with this and and the additional workload of looking after her, sisters dissappear when something needs doing. For other people, recently, I've given lifts, done shopping, picked up their children, lent money, taken rubbish to the tip, done washing and dried it in my drier, walked a dog, picked up dog poo from the dog owners garden, done someone's housework and put bins out and collected prescriptions. I work full time too, I'm constantly knackered, yep I'm a mug 🙄 Btw no one ever does anything for me, when I've asked its either a straight out no or an excuse is made, I don't ask anymore

In these cases I'd stop being so helpful!! You really ARE doing far too much. Back way off - especially as people have no problem in saying a straight No to you.. 🌹

housemaus · 09/02/2022 13:06

It depends what counts! I feed my neighbours' cat for the weekend about 4-5 times a year. Helped 2 people move house last year. Took someone about 40 min round trip out of my way a few weeks ago because they were going to an event near-ish my house. Proof read everyone I know's job applications/dissertations/essays/complaint letters (ha) etc.

Maybe I average out at one a month for that type of thing? I don't consider myself an especially helpful person.

But smaller things like, 'can you grab me some shampoo while you're in Boots on your lunch hour' for a coworker or whatever, I'd guess they were more regular. But don't impact my life at all, so I don't think they really count.

Quartz2208 · 09/02/2022 13:08

I would rather dig my eyes out with a blunt spoon than ask for help so I will not get or expect a reciprocation

This jumps out - why? Why are you happy to put yourself out for what are some quite big labour intensive favours both physically and emotionally at times draining but not willing to ask anyone to do it for you
Because I think your DP is right you seem happy to put yourself out but you need to focus on you and learn to say no

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/02/2022 15:15

I don't count them. As a single working mum I don't really have time to do lots of favours to be honest. I look after my mum's dog when she goes on holiday.

GTAlogic · 09/02/2022 15:20

I don't count either. I don't do much for others but do occasionally look after their dc or give lifts to people or collect shopping if they need it. People don't often ask and I am not afraid to say no if I can't or don't want to do it.

Dearblossom · 09/02/2022 15:21

Do you and your DH have date nights? Special time rather than normal time? Could he be a just a tad, dare I say, wanting a bit more of you to himself. He did marry you after all x

DockOTheBay · 09/02/2022 15:47

No idea. I get shopping for my grandparents every so often, lend people things if they ask, give people a lift somewhere, watch their kids for half an hour etc. Maybe one of the above once a week on average? But not all the same person!

caringcarer · 09/02/2022 16:20

I give lifts to people dropping them off or picking them up, often sons friends as I at home and their parents both out to work, eg. so they attend a club or activity.

I order stuff online for mil and get it delivered for her as she can't do it herself.

I take on parcels for neighbours who are at work because I am at home.

I help out doing BBQ at cricket. I also cook bacon sandwiches for sale on Sunday morning matches in summer.

I collect adult DS's prescription from chemist as he is at work. I phone in his renewal as well.

I help others when I can. I have more time as I am at home and I don't mind.

coodawoodashooda · 09/02/2022 16:31

I hate the favours world. I've been stung a few times by someone who offered unwanted favours in exchange for power. I kind of hidden currency.

tabletopgreen · 09/02/2022 16:46

I just do what is easy for me to do, and have no problem saying 'no', without giving a reason. I hate asking for favours and would much rather just pay for something if I need it.

Sounds like you are over stretched. Say no for a month and see what happens. Just 'No, sorry can't help this time' [change subject].

doadeer · 09/02/2022 16:48

Depends what you mean as a favour.

I do marketing for a job and I always help lots of people with flyers, social media etc for free. Usually give a lot of advice and time.

I consider myself quite a helpful person.

Original poster

SafeMove · 09/02/2022 17:49

Sorry, work and meetings and the school run took over.

I think DP might want a bit more of my time but I think he just wants me to slow down as I have a chronic illness that has meant I am now in a chemical menopause and I have had some worrying symptoms that are being investigated.

I am 'lucky' (not really as I hate it) that my youngest two DC go to their fathers on a Sunday and Monday night, so I tend to have a bit of free time then.

Interesting that some people do not get asked, whilst others do.

The suggestion to say no for a month is helpful. I will try that.

OP posts:

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