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Original poster

Do men go weird when you become a widow?

79 replies

CrinklyCraggy · 08/02/2022 17:05

DH died last year.

I have a wide circle of friends through a hobby/interest. Lots of people who are often at the same events, but I don't really "know" iyswim.

One of them sent me a video of him and his dog today. Just out of the blue because they'd had a nice walk. I last spoke to him briefly at an event about 4 weeks ago, not about dogs.

I'm not even a dog person Grin

There are other men I've suddenly started hearing from much more than I used to as well.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 09/02/2022 07:57

I remember saying at the time that I was relentlessly pursued either by my friend’s bastard husbands or my husband’s bastard friends!
I doubt it would out you.
This scenario has been played out so many times with my friends after they have split from their husbands. All sorts come out of the wood work sniffing around!

Original poster
CrinklyCraggy · 09/02/2022 07:59

Haha, they'll be out of luck if they're looking for a housekeeper. Actually the last couple have been very eager to tell me how handy they are around the house, if I need anything doing.

OP posts:
cookiemonster2468 · 09/02/2022 08:27

Well I don't know but I always try to look for the innocent explanation first, and it could simply be that they think you might be a bit lonely or struggling at the moment and want some companionship. I would probably do the same if I knew someone whose partner had died, just to show them that I'm around for friendship if they want it.

But it could be something more malicious, I don't know. Are any women doing it too or just men?

DillonPanthersTexas · 09/02/2022 08:30

They're putting feelers out to test the water I'd imagine

Is there anything wrong with this ? The chap sent a dog video, presumably just to strike up a conversation, not like he sent a dick pic or making drunken advances down the pub. So long as he is single what's the problem?

Comedycook · 09/02/2022 08:32

@DillonPanthersTexas

They're putting feelers out to test the water I'd imagine

Is there anything wrong with this ? The chap sent a dog video, presumably just to strike up a conversation, not like he sent a dick pic or making drunken advances down the pub. So long as he is single what's the problem?

I never said there was a problem with it necessarily...I just said what they were doing.

It is slightly opportunistic though

cookiemonster2468 · 09/02/2022 08:40

@Comedycook Just seems like a very suspicious view of the world to me.

OP's partner has passed away - would it be better if people just kept a distance and didn't make friendly gestures? Isn't this just how people respond when they see someone who might be a bit lonely?

As the other poster said, it was a dog video, not a dick pic.

It would be in the back of my mind, sure, but I wouldn't be too suspicious of any ulterior motive until he actually made a move. Sometimes peope are just being nice.

Alrightqueenie · 09/02/2022 09:04

This certainly does happen so do be careful as you now have invisible ££ signs on your forehead. My dad's friend confided to him that there were 2 rich widows in his village he's now interested. The guy decided he'd worked hard all his life & wanted to enjoy retirement at someone else's expense.

Comedycook · 09/02/2022 09:33

I think you're being a bit naive there @cookiemonster2468

BigFatLiar · 09/02/2022 09:39

Could be weird or maybe he's just trying to keep you amused.

There is the opposite reaction for widows/widowers in that people just avoid them as they don't know what to say or don't want to intrude. Can leave you isolated. Perhaps that's better, as a Mumsnetter probably is..

Original poster
CrinklyCraggy · 09/02/2022 09:45

Well this is it. If I'm supposed to view every contact with suspicion, that's hardly likely to lead to a happy life.

FWIW, I don't think anyone ever does anything just to be nice. There's always something in it for the "giver", even if it's just a warm fuzzy feeling.

It's sad, I think, that the automatic assumption is malice, although obviously it's important to be aware of that possibility.

OP posts:
saraclara · 09/02/2022 09:58

It's sad, I think, that the automatic assumption is malice

Are you new here?!

This is Mumsnet. If you're male or a MIL everything you do is viewed through a lens of malice or neediness.

Comedycook · 09/02/2022 10:08

@CrinklyCraggy

Well this is it. If I'm supposed to view every contact with suspicion, that's hardly likely to lead to a happy life.

FWIW, I don't think anyone ever does anything just to be nice. There's always something in it for the "giver", even if it's just a warm fuzzy feeling.

It's sad, I think, that the automatic assumption is malice, although obviously it's important to be aware of that possibility.

Well as they say, expect the worst but hope for the best!
Sausagedogsarethebest · 09/02/2022 10:46

@cookiemonster2468

Well I don't know but I always try to look for the innocent explanation first, and it could simply be that they think you might be a bit lonely or struggling at the moment and want some companionship. I would probably do the same if I knew someone whose partner had died, just to show them that I'm around for friendship if they want it.

But it could be something more malicious, I don't know. Are any women doing it too or just men?

Happened to my FIL when he was widowed, so it does happen the other way round too. A woman got close to him very quickly and was eager for him to take her out for meals and on holidays. He was an old man and had health issues, so when she indicated she wanted to get in his bed he started to distance himself from her, bless him.
Coronawireless · 09/02/2022 11:05

It’s not just men who do it. Women do it too. Queues with lasagnes forming down the street of a widower etc.
You’re now single - sadly - but there are many other single people out there whom you will now become more aware of and they of you. Some of them will be after sex. Some after money. Some desperately lonely and wanting to connect with another person they perceive as also lonely.
But many will be people reaching out in friendship and kindness - some perhaps with a hope that something might develop down the line, but as long as they are respectful what is wrong with that?
Your DH has died but you are still alive and there is still a world out there, especially if you are lucky enough to be healthy. Just keep your eyes open in terms of your finances, your sexual health and your safety.

peachgreen · 09/02/2022 12:38

I'm a young widow and most of the gross predatory behaviour I've been subjected to has been from widowers.

I do think as a young widow you are more of a target for those who like to prey on the vulnerable - and of course there's an assumption that you'll have got a life insurance payout and be independently wealthy (spoiler alert: most of us aren't).

I'm not dating so nothing has ever come of any of it, and I hope that I'm savvy enough to avoid it if I do decide to date at some point, but it's thoroughly depressing to witness.

EishetChayil · 09/02/2022 12:44

I went to a friend's bar to unwind and drown my sorrows after my partner's funeral. Chatting with friend behind bar about my situation. A punter starts trying to chat me up. Envy

Original poster
CrinklyCraggy · 09/02/2022 12:50

@EishetChayil

I went to a friend's bar to unwind and drown my sorrows after my partner's funeral. Chatting with friend behind bar about my situation. A punter starts trying to chat me up. Envy
I can't believe I'm going g to ask quite such a naive question, but how do you know they were "chatting you up" and not just "chatting".

I know we live in a world where you don't really chat with random, but my gran always found someone to talk to wherever she was. She wasn't chatting them up, she was just being friendly and passing the time of day.

OP posts:
BowerOfBramble · 09/02/2022 13:01

Did you do much dating before you married @CrinklyCraggy?

It sounds like you don't think you are attractive and - because you've been married and most men won't try it on when you're married - you're now completely bamboozled by the idea that men will be nice to you because they fancy you (or fancy a shag).

It took me a loooong time to realise that most of my more casual male "friends" were only interested in hanging out with me or being in touch while I was single, or perhaps in a short term relationship. They might not even know they're only interested because they have a hope you may one day fuck them, but for so many that is the case.

I have great male friends who ARE NOT like this as well, but if you're talking about random men suddenly trying to look sweet and caring and helpful round the house - think of it like a dog trying to look cute and appealing when you're holding biscuits.

There really is no mystery here.

BowerOfBramble · 09/02/2022 13:02

Meant to add - there is no mystery here. You may not think of yourself as the biscuits, but they see you as the biscuits.

Unphased · 09/02/2022 13:02

Perhaps they are lonely and looking for social contact with women, to go to the theatre or a meal etc rather than going on there own or with other men

Original poster
CrinklyCraggy · 09/02/2022 13:10

No I married young and was married for 30 years. I'm not "worried" about any of this, I'm finding it an interesting study in human behaviour.

If we accept that I'm happy for a bit of social contact with no ulterior motives, why can't it be the same for them?

I think it's more convience than scheming. While we're both (all) single it's handy to have someone to do things with and then if one has a partner, that need is met so they drift off.

Its clearly not real friendship but it does add something to life

OP posts:
BowerOfBramble · 09/02/2022 13:20

Well it doesn't really make much odds why they're doing it if you don't mind. I guess the only word of warning will be if you do start dating someone again eventually, people you thought were friends may melt away. But yeah it's a good thing to have people socialising with you for sure.

Bosephine · 09/02/2022 13:28

maybe I’m naïve but, if these chaps are your friends, it’s possible that they are just making an effort to be in touch, even when there’s nothing much to be in touch about, because they’re aware that you might be lonely and want to check in with you, just a female friend would.

bedheadedzombie · 09/02/2022 15:45

So many posts saying that they're after your money. Couldn't they just be interested? My dad started dating within months after my mums death. He met his new partner quite quickly and they've been happy together for the past 13 years. The photo's of both their deceased spouses hang on the wall and are talked about frequently. It doesn't have to be anything nasty.

100problems · 09/02/2022 18:45

I agree with the last two posters; is it really impossible they are just being nice people?

You seem a straightforward type yourself OP and able to smell trouble when and if you see it.

For what it's worth my best male friend is a widow. He's smashing and there's no chemistry between us. I go out with him, drop round and invite him to dinner because he's good fun and we have shared interests. Doesn't make me a chancer!

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