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Original poster

Do men go weird when you become a widow?

79 replies

CrinklyCraggy · 08/02/2022 17:05

DH died last year.

I have a wide circle of friends through a hobby/interest. Lots of people who are often at the same events, but I don't really "know" iyswim.

One of them sent me a video of him and his dog today. Just out of the blue because they'd had a nice walk. I last spoke to him briefly at an event about 4 weeks ago, not about dogs.

I'm not even a dog person Grin

There are other men I've suddenly started hearing from much more than I used to as well.

OP posts:
HeyLala · 08/02/2022 18:31

Widow here.

It definitely happens.

They see a woman who now owns their own home, may be in receipt of pension or life assurance or both. Whatever you look like, you suddenly become attractive to a certain type of man.

Be on your guard

Fairyliz · 08/02/2022 18:53

@IncompleteSenten

Put some feelers out with general chat, see how you respond Throw in a little subtle flirting, see if you respond (or at least don't actively shut them down) Get a bit over friendly but nothing that can't be explained away as them trying to be 'friendly'

Then bam. You're having your morning coffee and you get a ping. You open your phone and there's his todger in its veiny purple glory.

@IncompleteSenten That last paragraph has put me right off my dinner. You could develop it as a weight loss app Grin
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 08/02/2022 18:59

Maybe they feel that you might like a little more social contact. When my Dad died I made an effort to contact my Mum a bit more frequently as otherwise she had some days when she didn't speak to anyone.

FloraPotts · 08/02/2022 19:08

@Janglingkeys

A few weeks after my husbands sudden unexpected death - I returned to work - where a colleague who I had never really spoken to before - came up to me and said - I heard your news - sorry for your loss - he was in the Forces wasn’t he - how much pension will you get ?
Oh no Janglingkeys that's so appalling... as if bereavement wasn't hard enough ...I hope you gave him a swift karate chop to where it hurts. One almost feels embarrassment for someone so crass.
Nevilleslongbottom · 08/02/2022 19:38

When my Dad died last year his ‘friends’ were desperate to offer my mum ‘sympathy’ and help her now she was helpless and alone.

My parents were renovating a house when he died and she’s managed to get them to help finish pretty much all the work in unspoken anticipation of her feeling ready to move on romantically. She’s going to sell it now and move 300 miles away to live with us 😂

AlwaysColdTea · 08/02/2022 20:05

Ugh, yes, the married men who came crawling out of the woodwork when my marriage ended disgusted me.

Don't be flattered by it, it's not you specifically, it's that they think you're vulnerable and will be susceptible to their half arsed efforts to get you into bed.

LethargicActress · 08/02/2022 20:07

Yes, I got the same for a couple of years after DH died.

MrsAliceRichards · 08/02/2022 20:13

My father died recently and my mum has experienced this already to an extent. My favourite was a neighbour who told her he hoped she wouldn't be peeping at him in his garden while she was standing next to the hearse with my dad's coffin in it.....

Original poster
CrinklyCraggy · 08/02/2022 22:59

I don't know, none of these men are married. The one from today is far wealthier than I'll ever be. Actually now you mention it I haven't heard anything from DH's friends since the funeral. That's weird too!

OP posts:
JustLyra · 09/02/2022 00:30

@CrinklyCraggy

I don't know, none of these men are married. The one from today is far wealthier than I'll ever be. Actually now you mention it I haven't heard anything from DH's friends since the funeral. That's weird too!
It’s sadly not that weird.

My DH was widowed when we met and a lot of his late wife’s friends had long since vanished, despite promising to keep in touch and to keep the children in touch.

A friend of ours was widowed just before covid and has experienced similar. She was even bluntly told by a man she’d known for many years that he was surprised she’d knocked him back as widows are usually desperate for sex Angry He has been cut out by several of us now for that one.

weirdtimeoflife · 09/02/2022 05:21

@SpiderVersed

Are men ever not weird?
This
Acorndetector · 09/02/2022 05:24

My MIL was widowed in her early 70s. Within weeks a man she had been friendly with at a hobby group was there all the time helping out. My DH moved in briefly for this first few weeks so they did not need this help. The mans daughter strongly encouraged this arranging days out and invited her around to meals and family events. My MIL was not in a good place and did not have the energy to say no. She could barely make a decision for herself without checking it with my DH. She was just holding herself together. She is a very wealthy lady and very nice and kind and they targeted her. My DH had to step in and put a stop to it in the end because the man was getting a little to comfortable around her house and treating my DH like he was the guest. She did distance herself from them and said she was concerned herself they were already treating her like she was his partner and part of the family. But did not have the energy to stop it. She said she thought the daughter did not want her Dad to be lonely rather than eyeing her money. Even if this was true it had been weeks since the death of my fil and she was vulnerable we could never forgive that. Some widows have noone watching out for them and these people will really make the most of it.

TheWeeDonkey · 09/02/2022 06:55

@SpiderVersed

Are men ever not weird?
You beat me to it 😂
gogohm · 09/02/2022 07:13

Possibly but they could also be genuinely trying to be a friend. We are told not to ignore bereaved friends - offering friendship is fine, if something develops later that's up to you but it's possible to have opposite sex friends

2DogsOnMySofa · 09/02/2022 07:21

This happened to my dad, he lives in quite a close knit community in a seaside resort (pensioners paradise). When Mum died, all the available women started dropping off food and texting him. Nothing flirty, just talking to him. He's now got his 'harem' as we call it, but rather than relationships, he ends up running errands for them, taking them to the shops or doctors, and in return he gets food and the odd meal out. Tbh he's now got a better social life than me and loves all the attention. I think single people (certainly at my Dads age - and I'm not saying the op is of retirement age), get lonely and like some extra support, companionship, or to feel wanted.

Original poster
CrinklyCraggy · 09/02/2022 07:22

It's interesting. I've struggled with his death, obviously, but I don't think anyone would see me as "vulnerable". I am reasonably comfortably off, but that's because of my own job, nothing to do with his death, although I'm sure there's always been an assumption by some that our lifestyle was largely funded by him.

DH's friends haven't been in touch. I don't think I expected them to be and that might have been uncomfortable if it was very often, but perhaps it would have been nice if someone had checked in on us, especially as our two just adult sons knew many of them through an interest they shared with their dad.

Even the husbands of my female friends haven't been around, in fact my married friends haven't been around much. All our couple friends seem to have melted away.

What has appeared in their place is a small network of single people, both male and female, but predominantly male. These people have been nothing but kind to me and kept me busy socially in groups, nothing intimate or one to one.

OP posts:
Ducksareruiningmypatio · 09/02/2022 07:24

When I lost my partner I was the women in couples that were weird with me.
Like I as suddenly a threat Hmm

saraclara · 09/02/2022 07:32

Nor my experience in widowhood at all.
Mine is more of the make halves of couples disappearing. I thought I was friends with both halves of the couples, but more often than not, when I visit them now, the husband disappears off to do jobs or something.

ScrumptiousBears · 09/02/2022 07:32

I remember my female relative who had been widowed twice in her life saying all the couples suddenly disappeared from her social circle like she'd now be after their husbands 🤔

Ducksareruiningmypatio · 09/02/2022 07:33

@ScrumptiousBears

I remember my female relative who had been widowed twice in her life saying all the couples suddenly disappeared from her social circle like she'd now be after their husbands 🤔
Exactly my experience
saraclara · 09/02/2022 07:35

All our couple friends seem to have melted away.

Yep. That. Only one couple remains at this point.

saraclara · 09/02/2022 07:40

I don't think for a minute that the couples have melted away because anyone thinks I'm after their husband though. I think I'm just not comfortable company as a singleton. They relationship between two couples has to be re jigged when one couple is halved and the remaining couple can't be arsed.

Malibuismysecrethome · 09/02/2022 07:48

I think it’s more that couples don’t invite you to anything socially anymore. Maybe the men feel a bit guilty and are trying to find out if you are ok.

thenewduchessoflapland · 09/02/2022 07:49

@StopStartStop

It's like when you separate or divorce. They all turn up looking for a shag. Friends of my ex used to turn up at the door with one lame excuse or another.
This happened to my friend she even had friends of her DB who's a decade younger messaging her.

It stopped when she put up a post on her social media stating that just because she's not a single mum it doesn't mean she desperate for sex from anyone who thinks they have a chance with her and to stop messaging her as the next CF who tries it will have their message posted on SM for everyone to see what a creep they are.

thenewduchessoflapland · 09/02/2022 07:53

@CrinklyCraggy

They're not "doing" anything about it though. It's very early days for me, but if that's what there trying to set up, they're playing a very long game.

Plus, I'm really not someone who attracts male attention, not even when I was young.

Their attempting to mark a place on your dance card so to speak;their probably hoping you'll be ready for a new relationship in the next year or so.Their all probably looking for a new wife to do their cooking,cleaning and washing.You deserve better than that if or when you reach the point you wish to be involved with anyone else.

I'm sorry for your loss;sending you a virtual hug 🫂