Has anyone actually ever LTB because a mumsnet thread told them to?

[Kittromney]

Another thread about proposal ultimatums made me think of this.

I started a thread on AIBU a few years ago complaining that my lovely bf flat out refused to marry me after 8 years together saying that he was 'not ready' or 'too young'. The unanimous response was LTB. Although I had already know deep down that I had to LTB for about 2 years at that point, I genuinely feel that it was that thread that was the final straw that actually made me do it. It took me another year, and I was miserable after I broke up, but I've gone back to it many times to remind myself that I was doing the right thing. A lot of it was confirmation bias of course, I kind of needed strangers on the internet to ratify what I already knew. When I showed the thread to my then partner, he was convinced that everyone was actually agreeing with him! But his conclusion was the same as mine - that we should move on, sad as that might be, as we wanted different things.

It also surprises me how spot on the mumsnetters were at predicting what would happen next! I took the leap and started an overseas posting at work (something that my ex was flat out against), made amazing friends, had loads of flings. I met my new partner a few months later. Everything felt uncomplicated. A month ago, 2.5 years into the relationship, I told him I'd like to get married. There was no fuss as we'd been discussing it all along like grownups, without him being 'freaked out' or 'scared off'. We now have a date set for August.

I read some threads where the only logical option for the OP is to LTB and it feels quite B&W, such as my situation where we were young, had no kids and wanted completely different things. I always wonder if any of these women do leave, or if they stay on in misery. Or am I the only one who was actually dumb enough to LTB because mumsnet said so?

I was thinking the same when reading a thread today op. I wish I'd had mumsnet years ago when I was dating. It would have helped me see the light about crap bfs a lot earlier than I did

What does annoy me though, is 5 mins after someone giving the advise, someone else will come along and ask if she/he has ltb yet.

highlighta that's what I forgot to say in my post, those aggressive posters who say things like "We've all told you what you need to do but have you done anything, no you're just going to keep posting the same things". It's not helpful but no doubt the poster feels better for having got it off their chest . Why not just scroll on by?

@Followtheyellowsicktoad

Not Ltb from a thread that I started, but I lurked on GettingBigger’s threads about her coercive partner and recognised an awful lot of similarities.

Before Mumsnet I was oblivious to so many things that are now obvious red flags. This forum should be prescribed by the NHS!

It should certainly be recommended!

It's amazing how many men have a problem with it though. They regard it as being ful of men hating harridans and the worst sort of women!

Bit of an aside, but a friend of mine works for the DWP. I'd mentioned to him how much MN had helped me over the years and he seemed surprised that someone of my intelligence and education would use it. Apparently, it's well known in the DWP that it's 'full' of single mothers telling each other how to defraud the benefits system...

I asked him if he'd ever seen any of this advice. He, obviously, hadn't. I asked him if any of the people he worked with had? They hadn't either.

He did, eventually, accept that it might not be as he thought and came here to check it out. He was surprised by the kindness, humour and intelligent debate he found. Genuinely surprised but also a bit embarrassed at his previous prejudice.

Whenever women group together to offer each other support, the men are always there in the background to discredit it.

@Orgasmagorical

What does annoy me though, is 5 mins after someone giving the advise, someone else will come along and ask if she/he has ltb yet.

highlighta that's what I forgot to say in my post, those aggressive posters who say things like "We've all told you what you need to do but have you done anything, no you're just going to keep posting the same things". It's not helpful but no doubt the poster feels better for having got it off their chest . Why not just scroll on by?

I agree. Sometimes, it takes a long time to process the information.

Some people seem to regard it as an interactive soap opera and forget its people's lives.

Personally, I don't care if people post several times about the same topic. It can take an awfully long time to face up to and accept what is happening. People want to be confident they've asked every question and considered every possible angle.

@ErrolTheDragon

There was a thread by MNHQ a little while ago which afaik reckoned MN had helped thousands of women and their kids to leave abusive relationships.

I think the point is that it's not the acronym 'LTB' which does it - it's the understanding responses, and the practical guidance. I rarely participate in those threads as (mercifully) I have no experience - but there are so many who do, who give good advice. Those people don't make it sound like an easy option, but they do make it clear it's often a necessary one.

I wish my friend would read these posts or start her own. She really needs to LTB but it won’t be easy, he’ll turn nasty and she’ll have two young children to have to coparent with him.

But she needs to for her own happiness (and that of her kids as they are already picking up on things).

Kind of.
It helped me validate my feelings, to give me space to talk through the situation when I didn’t have anyone in real life to talk to.
I left him. And life is much, much better.

This is such a good thread, thanks to everyone who's posted.

No, but I did (eventually) go NC with a family member after being told to by MN maaaaaaany times. Finally saw sense. The hive mind was correct

Only wish I'd found Mumsnet and LTB earlier - I stayed too long in a marriage that was not right for me. But I did leave it eventually so all's well that ends well.

@ApricotPeony

I was thinking the same when reading a thread today op. I wish I'd had mumsnet years ago when I was dating. It would have helped me see the light about crap bfs a lot earlier than I did

Also wish MN had been around when I was younger and putting up with some complete and utter crap. Sometimes you just need to hear stuff from complete strangers, with no agendas, no clouded judgement. I really feel like I have learnt alot from this site and hopefully I can help my DD better. And if I can't - I'll send her here where other people can!

I did too, though it took me a while! The advice I received was spot on, and as with you @Kittromney many of the predictions came true too.

Not LTB, but def. helped to draw a line in the sand and set bouderies. I hope I’ve instilled these standards in my DDs and my DS!

I grew up surrounded by people who expected, and accepted, shitty behaviour from men. Increasingly MN is a hostile place with sniping in almost every reply. Despite this, there are many genuinely supportive posters and they’ve definitely helped me to stand up for myself.

Increasingly MN is a hostile place with sniping in almost every reply. Despite this, there are many genuinely supportive posters and they’ve definitely helped me to stand up for myself.

I agree about the sniping and I don't understand why- just don't post if you can't say anything constructive!

OTOH some posters are absolutely wonderful and full of wisdom. They'll probably never know how many lives they've helped improve

I did ltb in the end and I did start a few threads about my ex and it was only after reading those and other threads about domestic abuse on mumsnet that I did eventually leave. However it took years and it was four years ago that I did.

It helped me see the difference between an abusive arsehole and a good man (my late dh)

Mumsnet has changed, there’s a lot more nastiness I think but still lots of supportive posters, I’ll never forget the support I had from posters last year. That’s the true spirit of mumsnet

@WouldBeGood

I did too, though it took me a while! The advice I received was spot on, and as with you *@Kittromney* many of the predictions came true too.

How do they do it? Are patterns of relationships just so predictable, or is it conformation bias, where we only remember the predictions that come true?

Mumsnet predicted 3 years ago that I’d move to ‘Russia’, be so busy having a great time and flings with ‘Yuri’ that I’d forget my ex and realise I was better off without him after all, get a cat, meet someone much less commitment phobic in exactly 4 months and be married by the time I’m 31 It’s uncanny !

@Jux

This is such a good thread, thanks to everyone who's posted.

I agree, I’m really appreciating the stories.

@Followtheyellowsicktoad

Not Ltb from a thread that I started, but I lurked on GettingBigger’s threads about her coercive partner and recognised an awful lot of similarities.

Before Mumsnet I was oblivious to so many things that are now obvious red flags. This forum should be prescribed by the NHS!

I really do think we need standardised relationship advice on an easy to access public forum such as the NHS website. Relationships are such a huge part of a persons health and well-being. There are so many misconceptions and skewed notions of what a healthy relationship looks like perpetuated by movies, social media and even family and friends. Even relationship counsellors vary wildly in terms of quality and views. It’s a shame we have to resort to books with titles like ‘why men marry bitches’ that are hard to take seriously.

Are patterns of relationships just so predictable

Very often, yes.

Mine was a classic! The Script to a tee. I cherchez’d la femme and found her.

And Yuri is pretty hot 🤣🤣

@Orgasmagorical

Are patterns of relationships just so predictable

Very often, yes.

Especially around addictions, personality disorders, toxic family backgrounds.

It’s eye opening and so many posters are able signpost to evidence based professional resources to support the OP.

It also helps you to look at your own behaviours and gives confidence to be assertive.

I think relationship “standards” should also be taught to all school children and reinforced in adulthood as the perpetrators of abuse could potentially be straightened out very early in life by having a light shone on their behaviours and it could save generations of family and children torment.

Not only did I LTB but I called my next child Balonz too

The reality is as discussed above that existing some are joke LTBs, some may be overreaction but many do flag to the OP they are not alone and actually it may be time to LTB.

I think sometimes it's a mix of different perspectives depending on the person.

I didn’t LTB because of MN, but when I made a thread under a different name when my ex was gaslighting me about his “friend”- MN provided a very useful wake up call.
My ex was very good at isolating me and making me feel crazy for perfectly reasonable things. Having somewhere I could just air out what was going on made it more obvious to me how unacceptable it was.

We’ve been broken up just over a year and a half, I think. I’m much happier on my own with my son.

I've been lucky enough to have gotten well away from my abusive ex before I joined MN and luckily found a good 'un myself. So I never had a LTB thread - and very much hope I never will.

But the wisdom shared here has been incredibly useful to me in processing all kinds of relationships, family or work dynamics. I would say I've become a lot more cynical of human nature in general. I'm exploring feminist issues more than I ever did, and MN also peaked me.

I think I learn something every day I log on from you lovely lot.

MN gave me the framework and vocabulary to anchor my confusion, chaos, doubt and frustration and then shine a light on the gaslighting, passive aggressive, entitled man-child behaviour of my crazy-making, emotionally sabotaging alcoholic husband.

It also taught me why I was psychologically stuck and diminished in the relationship.

My husband declared that I had been “radicalised online by MN” when I then found the words and strength to move him out.

He then went on to play out the thwarted entitled man-child addict MN script in an Oscar winning performance whilst I pulled up a seat and munched on my popcorn.