Hi, I’m not really sure what I want from this post but I feel like I need some kind of advice/ vent/ need to know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
I feel like I’m drowning in life is the only way I can describe it. To the outside world my life is going nicely , twin 5 year old DS, a loving partner who does his fair share and works very hard for us. I am a SAHM but also study full time with the OU and am in the final year of a bachelors degree. We have a nice home, however it was always a starter home and we have now outgrown but don’t have the money to move. We have a rescue dog, the full lovely picture but I’m not happy.
I feel incredibly guilty everyday for not loving my life. I do love my children with everything I am but parenting is not what I thought and I feel in a constant state of overwhelm and underwhelm with life. My OH would like to have another child and I’m not fully opposed to this (obviously not while feeling like this) however it would mean me staying at home after my degree finishes because of how ridiculous childcare is in our area (even if we could afford it there is not enough childcare to go around). It also makes me feel my degree and all the hard work I’ve put in to it would be for nothing (although I already feel I will be able to do very little with it in any case) but then feel this intense feeling of a ticking clock when it comes to having more children even though I’m only 28. This decision is also made more complex by one of my twins being on the autism diagnosis pathway. His needs may or may not become more complex as he gets older and obviously another child or possibly another two (non-identical twins) feels unfair on him and them.
I love my family but I feel like a complete zombie. My children sleep well and I get enough sleep but I feel immense pressure to be everything for them and to them while feeling like I’m going insane and that I have no life of my own, no wants and needs of my own. I live in a constant state of thinking what I should be doing for others.
When people say have a bath and have some me time. I do get that, it never feels enough, it never stops the feeling of constant overwhelm/ underwhelm of life.
Coupled with the intense feeling of guilt that I’m not enjoying my little boys, I love them so so much but I miss having a life of my own.
This is massively exacerbated by my OHs overbearing and judgemental family. Every move I make is discussed and criticised by them and I’m aware this has taken a huge tole on me and how I think about life. I feel trapped though because I love my OH but not his family. Me and OHs sister have a very complex relationship, she is one of my closest friends but also reports what I say to her mum and step mum who both critique me hugely. OH family also add pressure in different ways because OH Mum and step dad live one hour away and OH dad, sister and step mum live over 4 hours away from us. They still expect to see us regularly. This adds so much pressure as I feel as though I’m always letting others down because now DTs are older and want to do clubs/ see friends/ birthday parties on the weekend, it means we have little time to travel all over the country visiting family on the weekends and they all make it abundantly clear how much they want to see us and this makes me feel intense pressure to fit it in somewhere. Despite feeling uncomfortable in their company due to every move I make being examined. OHs sister does make effort to see us despite having a small child herself which I am great full for and the truth is we could have her stay but that would mean allowing my house up for critique, my safe haven and I just don’t want to, this makes me feel even more guilty.
This is made even more complex by my relationship with my own family which is strained at the best of times because of a horrible childhood which I still haven’t forgiven my mother or sister for. They’re amazing to DTs though so I keep contact open for them. But again they live over an hour away and they want to see DTs but aren’t as overbearing with their demands to see us as OHs family.
We’ve just come home from a whole weekend spent with OHs family which will only keep them at bay for two weeks at most.
Sometimes and it pains me to say this because I love my DTs more than anything, but sometimes I just want to give up. I feel like they’d all be happier without me. I feel like I’m stopping everyone from being happy because I’m so miserable all the time for no apparent reason. I feel very lonely which I know will be the main cause of me feeling the way I do but I can’t reach out to anyone (I will often make dates with friends and then come up with an excuse to cancel because I can’t cope with the effort involved in seeing them and also don’t want them to see how miserable I am and cba with the effort of acting happy) because the effort that it takes to connect with people is just not something I have. So I go round in this constant cycle of feeling very detached from people but also isolating myself. It’s a horrible existence and not something I would wish on my worst enemy. I desperately want things to get better but it feels hopeless at this point.
If you’ve got this far, thank you. Like I say I’m not sure in the point to this but it feels good to let it all out to strangers for some weird reason.