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Original poster

When will this feeling stop?

51 replies

gloss234 · 06/02/2022 18:58

Hi, I’m not really sure what I want from this post but I feel like I need some kind of advice/ vent/ need to know I’m not alone in feeling this way.

I feel like I’m drowning in life is the only way I can describe it. To the outside world my life is going nicely , twin 5 year old DS, a loving partner who does his fair share and works very hard for us. I am a SAHM but also study full time with the OU and am in the final year of a bachelors degree. We have a nice home, however it was always a starter home and we have now outgrown but don’t have the money to move. We have a rescue dog, the full lovely picture but I’m not happy.

I feel incredibly guilty everyday for not loving my life. I do love my children with everything I am but parenting is not what I thought and I feel in a constant state of overwhelm and underwhelm with life. My OH would like to have another child and I’m not fully opposed to this (obviously not while feeling like this) however it would mean me staying at home after my degree finishes because of how ridiculous childcare is in our area (even if we could afford it there is not enough childcare to go around). It also makes me feel my degree and all the hard work I’ve put in to it would be for nothing (although I already feel I will be able to do very little with it in any case) but then feel this intense feeling of a ticking clock when it comes to having more children even though I’m only 28. This decision is also made more complex by one of my twins being on the autism diagnosis pathway. His needs may or may not become more complex as he gets older and obviously another child or possibly another two (non-identical twins) feels unfair on him and them.

I love my family but I feel like a complete zombie. My children sleep well and I get enough sleep but I feel immense pressure to be everything for them and to them while feeling like I’m going insane and that I have no life of my own, no wants and needs of my own. I live in a constant state of thinking what I should be doing for others.
When people say have a bath and have some me time. I do get that, it never feels enough, it never stops the feeling of constant overwhelm/ underwhelm of life.
Coupled with the intense feeling of guilt that I’m not enjoying my little boys, I love them so so much but I miss having a life of my own.
This is massively exacerbated by my OHs overbearing and judgemental family. Every move I make is discussed and criticised by them and I’m aware this has taken a huge tole on me and how I think about life. I feel trapped though because I love my OH but not his family. Me and OHs sister have a very complex relationship, she is one of my closest friends but also reports what I say to her mum and step mum who both critique me hugely. OH family also add pressure in different ways because OH Mum and step dad live one hour away and OH dad, sister and step mum live over 4 hours away from us. They still expect to see us regularly. This adds so much pressure as I feel as though I’m always letting others down because now DTs are older and want to do clubs/ see friends/ birthday parties on the weekend, it means we have little time to travel all over the country visiting family on the weekends and they all make it abundantly clear how much they want to see us and this makes me feel intense pressure to fit it in somewhere. Despite feeling uncomfortable in their company due to every move I make being examined. OHs sister does make effort to see us despite having a small child herself which I am great full for and the truth is we could have her stay but that would mean allowing my house up for critique, my safe haven and I just don’t want to, this makes me feel even more guilty.

This is made even more complex by my relationship with my own family which is strained at the best of times because of a horrible childhood which I still haven’t forgiven my mother or sister for. They’re amazing to DTs though so I keep contact open for them. But again they live over an hour away and they want to see DTs but aren’t as overbearing with their demands to see us as OHs family.

We’ve just come home from a whole weekend spent with OHs family which will only keep them at bay for two weeks at most.

Sometimes and it pains me to say this because I love my DTs more than anything, but sometimes I just want to give up. I feel like they’d all be happier without me. I feel like I’m stopping everyone from being happy because I’m so miserable all the time for no apparent reason. I feel very lonely which I know will be the main cause of me feeling the way I do but I can’t reach out to anyone (I will often make dates with friends and then come up with an excuse to cancel because I can’t cope with the effort involved in seeing them and also don’t want them to see how miserable I am and cba with the effort of acting happy) because the effort that it takes to connect with people is just not something I have. So I go round in this constant cycle of feeling very detached from people but also isolating myself. It’s a horrible existence and not something I would wish on my worst enemy. I desperately want things to get better but it feels hopeless at this point.

If you’ve got this far, thank you. Like I say I’m not sure in the point to this but it feels good to let it all out to strangers for some weird reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
gloss234 · 07/02/2022 00:06

@Nsky

Why can’t his family come to you? Too much travelling on your part
MIL will occasionally travel to us or meet half way.
OP posts:
Original poster
gloss234 · 07/02/2022 00:07

@KeepGrowing

If you really want 'this feeling to stop ' offloading to people is the way. Talk to your husband. Is there a FLO at the school?
I'm not sure what a FLO is?
OP posts:
Original poster
gloss234 · 07/02/2022 00:08

@User8721643839

Knock the fortnightly visits on the head for a start
I know this needs to stop but I have no idea what would be a 'normal/healthy' amount to see them anymore. The lines have been blurred for so long. How often does everyone else see their PIL?
OP posts:

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Families
Original poster
gloss234 · 07/02/2022 00:09

@PerseverancePays

If you can't afford therapy just now, put that on hold but keep it as something to work towards that is important. You can still go and see your Dr. You can print off an online form that shows a list of symptoms of depression and tick off all the ones that apply to you and give that to your Dr if you find talking difficult. AD take several weeks to kick in so have patience. Exercise is a good activity for your brain and it is also hobby time away from your family. It doesn't matter what you pick as long as you do it regularly and it gives you time off. Walking is free. Assertiveness: youtube , books, library, podcasts, all are valuable. Also look up toxic families. Start listening and reading and watching and gradually you will change your outlook. If you can stick to an OU degree you can learn this. You are going against a lifetime of being told to 'be nice' even if it kills you. You don't have to be horrible, just that you don't have to always do it their way. Once in a while it can be your way. When they have got over whining about that do it again, and so on. Slowly, slowly, so you have time to absorb, and learn and change and grow. Practise saying 'that doesn't work for me', it's very liberating and by golly girl, you need liberating!
Yes that's so true about the 'be nice' statement. I certainly have a lot of work to do
OP posts:
PerseverancePays · 07/02/2022 00:19

I see my daughters' families each about once a month, and only if it suits. If they're busy five or six weeks. But I babysit and take the children out so they look forward to seeing me! I also bring cake.

Pantsomime · 07/02/2022 00:37

Start with once a month visits that you attend, DH can still go with DCs every 2 weeks if he wants. On your alone day - get out to do something for you- be it swimming, walking or lunch with a pal. You need breathing space to help find you again. Look to moving visits completely to no more frequent than once a month and you could go every second month as a whole family

Original poster
gloss234 · 07/02/2022 07:42

@PerseverancePays

I see my daughters' families each about once a month, and only if it suits. If they're busy five or six weeks. But I babysit and take the children out so they look forward to seeing me! I also bring cake.
This sounds lovely.
OP posts:
Original poster
gloss234 · 07/02/2022 07:50

@Pantsomime

Start with once a month visits that you attend, DH can still go with DCs every 2 weeks if he wants. On your alone day - get out to do something for you- be it swimming, walking or lunch with a pal. You need breathing space to help find you again. Look to moving visits completely to no more frequent than once a month and you could go every second month as a whole family
This is what we are going to do for now on with MIL and that side of the family, the tricky thing is we still have the other side of OH family who want to see us on the regular who live over 4 hours away and my family. If we did all once a month it would still take 3 weekends of the month . It's tricky when parents are divorced and don't live in the same places. None of them are as overbearing as MIL. However FIL will make comments on birthday cards like hopefully see more of you this year, while making no effort himself to come to us. It's frustrating but we let it go because we have had so much drama with MIL in the past that we haven't wanted to also be eating with FIL and that side of the family.
OP posts:
Original poster
gloss234 · 07/02/2022 07:52

Not eating, feuding 🙄

OP posts:
PerseverancePays · 07/02/2022 08:58

Would it be possible for you personally to dedicate one weekend a month to family visits, so they have to wait their turn , if there's three lots because of separation, then you would see them every third month. Ignore complaining; don't respond.
My father and stepmother were vile to each other after they separated and spoiled every significant family gathering with their bickering. This was unpleasant for everyone but particularly for the daughter they had together. It wasn't until I had my own children , and did an assertiveness course, that I asked them both to stop their horrible childish behaviour , and as soon as they were called out on it, they did! (With yearly reminders.)
I think lots of us struggle with the transition as adults with our parents if they are the kind that still expect us to behave like obedient ten year olds. Toxic families are so draining. The only way to be free is to see less of them.

Original poster
gloss234 · 07/02/2022 09:02

@PerseverancePays

Would it be possible for you personally to dedicate one weekend a month to family visits, so they have to wait their turn , if there's three lots because of separation, then you would see them every third month. Ignore complaining; don't respond. My father and stepmother were vile to each other after they separated and spoiled every significant family gathering with their bickering. This was unpleasant for everyone but particularly for the daughter they had together. It wasn't until I had my own children , and did an assertiveness course, that I asked them both to stop their horrible childish behaviour , and as soon as they were called out on it, they did! (With yearly reminders.) I think lots of us struggle with the transition as adults with our parents if they are the kind that still expect us to behave like obedient ten year olds. Toxic families are so draining. The only way to be free is to see less of them.
This would be the idea thing. I think it's hard because two of them are only an hour away so I guess they feel like why should we only see you once every 3 months but yes we e need something in place like this and some assertiveness will definitely be needed.
OP posts:
InnPain · 07/02/2022 09:10

It seems the word NO is not in your vocabulary and you’re a real people pleaser. I know that feeling, but let me tell you, the moment you start using that word NO you will feel this huge elephant sitting on your chest getting smaller and smaller. You owe the world nothing, you also don’t owe your children every second of your day and at 28 you have plenty time to have a another child. Is there any point having another when you feel overburdened with what you have at the minute? Children don’t deduct from stress, they add to it!

Family - why do you need to travel? They can come and see you. Also, no requirement to see each other so frequently. Video call them and then maybe get together once every couple months. You’re a busy mum, they need to understand that and if they don’t so be it.

Original poster
gloss234 · 07/02/2022 09:32

@InnPain

It seems the word NO is not in your vocabulary and you’re a real people pleaser. I know that feeling, but let me tell you, the moment you start using that word NO you will feel this huge elephant sitting on your chest getting smaller and smaller. You owe the world nothing, you also don’t owe your children every second of your day and at 28 you have plenty time to have a another child. Is there any point having another when you feel overburdened with what you have at the minute? Children don’t deduct from stress, they add to it!

Family - why do you need to travel? They can come and see you. Also, no requirement to see each other so frequently. Video call them and then maybe get together once every couple months. You’re a busy mum, they need to understand that and if they don’t so be it.

I've tried lots of times previously, this has been going on for 6 years. The drama that it causes is so draining that I guess I have just given up for an easy life . But now the DTs are older its harder to do because of things they want to do on weekends also.

I agree that they should be travelling to us and I need to implement this more to lighten some of the load but it's hard because if truth be told I don't want them in my house because they would just critique it to each other afterwards. But I will have to grin and bear it for a little while once or twice a month

OP posts:
InnPain · 07/02/2022 09:50

I get the feeling you care A LOT about what others think of you and unfortunately this can be very consuming and dangerous for your self esteem. You need to overcome this OP x

Original poster
gloss234 · 07/02/2022 10:50

@InnPain

I get the feeling you care A LOT about what others think of you and unfortunately this can be very consuming and dangerous for your self esteem. You need to overcome this OP x
Not generally! But yes I probably do care a lot about what OH family think and say. Mostly because they're a big part of our lives and so it feels like their opinions account for a lot but also because I am lonely in any case I have no other influences to counter balance what they say and therefore what they say is my only reality. It's hard but I know it needs to change.
OP posts:
Tufty383 · 07/02/2022 11:05

I understand these feelings. I just wanted to add, from my own experience that as your DC get older you will get time for yourself back. My DS is now 13 and since he started secondary he just doesn't need me in the same ways anymore. My advice would be not to have anymore DC, you've got 2 lovely boys and in a few short years you'll have some time for yourself which might just ease some of how you're feeling. Another child will add more financial pressure too.

Original poster
gloss234 · 07/02/2022 11:43

@Tufty383

I understand these feelings. I just wanted to add, from my own experience that as your DC get older you will get time for yourself back. My DS is now 13 and since he started secondary he just doesn't need me in the same ways anymore. My advice would be not to have anymore DC, you've got 2 lovely boys and in a few short years you'll have some time for yourself which might just ease some of how you're feeling. Another child will add more financial pressure too.
Thank you for your understanding. The more dc aspect of this is complex because I definitely wouldn't have anymore right now but I'm not ready to have the idea completely off the table. I love my boys and love being their mother but obviously parenting is very difficult but I think I do ok at it most of the time. My feelings towards this are I won't regret having another in the future even with financial pressures etc but I might regret not having any once that option is taken away. But again this isn't something that will be in our immediate future
OP posts:
purpleboy · 07/02/2022 11:54

Hi op! I found this thread, so glad you've had more responses and some good ideas for help. Hope you can find the strength to put some of them into action Thanks

SummerInSun · 07/02/2022 12:17

Seems to me that you feel you can't push back on the family visits because you think it's only you who doesn't want to go. But what about your kids, really? Do they want to miss birthday parties, play date opportunities, the chance to play weekend sport or do a club? And I can't believe that 5 year olds want to spent 8 hours driving to and from a family visit. Managing the expectations of the family visits down to something much more infrequent isn't just helping you, it's helping them.

Original poster
gloss234 · 07/02/2022 12:31

@purpleboy

Hi op! I found this thread, so glad you've had more responses and some good ideas for help. Hope you can find the strength to put some of them into action Thanks
Thanks purpleboy ❤️
OP posts:
Original poster
gloss234 · 07/02/2022 12:33

@SummerInSun

Seems to me that you feel you can't push back on the family visits because you think it's only you who doesn't want to go. But what about your kids, really? Do they want to miss birthday parties, play date opportunities, the chance to play weekend sport or do a club? And I can't believe that 5 year olds want to spent 8 hours driving to and from a family visit. Managing the expectations of the family visits down to something much more infrequent isn't just helping you, it's helping them.
The family that are far away are already far less frequent because of the amount of time it takes to get there and having to stay over and pay for kennels ect and they're understanding of this. But yes you're right I do feel like I'm the one causing issues. My boys love going to see family perhaps because that's what they're used to. We moved an hour away 3 years ago but still feel like we spend a lot of time in the place we moved from.
OP posts:
IcicleIcicle · 07/02/2022 13:13

You've had some great advice here OP, the only thing I would add is that you really need your DH to be completely onside and back you up on everything you want to change or it will be so much harder. And that means you have to talk to him, which it sounds like you might find difficult? Does he know any of what you've told us?

coffeeisthebest · 07/02/2022 14:25

Hi, I appreciate that therapy is expensive but please try and access it. And if you do then try and let your therapist know that you will only be bringing along the partial truth, they will accept and work with you on that. In the meantime, do you understand the idea that as an adult it's no longer about how likes us but we now choose who we like and dislike rather than waiting to see who accepts us? I have learnt that in therapy and I didn't know that before. If wr don't learn this then we are passively stuck waiting vigilantly for other people to react. Live your own life OP, not the life of anyone else.

Original poster
gloss234 · 07/02/2022 14:42

Thank you for everyone's great advice. I understand what everyone is saying and I am going to try my best to implement some changes for the better. Therapy may be an option for the future but I'm just not ready, it would be a waste of time. I'm going to have a conversation with DP later on and implement some big changes

OP posts:
BocolateChiscuits · 07/02/2022 14:49

How was lockdown, when you had the perfect excuse not to see family?

Sometimes for me planning the future helps me feel more in control of it. I think I'd want to sit down with a calendar and DH and work out exactly who we're going to see, and when, and cut that down to a comfortable level. I'd also try to get more visits where it made things easier for you. For example, DH takes them because "you have an important exam to study for". Or they take DC and you and DH have a weekend away somewhere.

Physical and mental health are very linked. But physical health improvements are a bit easier to focus on - so when I feel my mental health dipping I tend to look at things I can do to help my physical health to bolster my mood (early night, exercise, less crap food). If it doesn't work, at least you're fitter!