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Original poster

Can you ever make a selfish partner less selfish?

51 replies

JoeyV88 · 05/02/2022 17:28

Hello lovely MNetters,

My DH has always thought about himself first - decisions are always based around how he feels, what he wants and how things will affect him. I guess I just grew so used to it over the years it’s just become the house dynamic but lately it’s started to really grate and I find myself resenting him for it. If we get a bad night’s sleep because of the children he will moan how it’s impacting his life and his ability to work, he complains that he doesn’t have enough time to enjoy bars and restaurants and nights out every week because of the children, he says he wants to spend more time playing sports or going to the gym. He never thinks to ask me what I want or how I feel. Everything is ALWAYS about him. Even when pregnant, he never bothered to ask how my appointments etc went even if he knew I was nervous as he was “too busy” with other things. If I questioned it he would always have an excuse such as “i wasn’t feeling great so I couldn’t think about anything else.” I found a lump in my breast and had to go to the breast clinic with our baby in tow as he didn’t want to book time off work to help and then didn’t even bother to ask me how it went. In fact he called me while I was there asking me a question and had totally forgotten I even had the check up! I feel like I have to be the upbeat, always cheery, “everything is ok” person as there’s no room for me to complain or yearn for different things. I feel angry that he’s so blinkered by what he wants (he often compares his life to friends with more money / more freedom / still enjoying the single life and holidaying all the time) that he doesn’t see how lucky he is to have our lovely children. Can someone like that ever really change? Is it possible to become less selfish or is that him for life? I feel so tired and worn down by it

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2022 17:29

The very short answer is no.

Peoplearetwats · 05/02/2022 17:32

Christ on a bike he sounds like an extremely selfish twat 🤬 how you’ve not exploded with rage yet I don’t know
He’s a fanny

Peoplearetwats · 05/02/2022 17:32

And no they don’t change

Original poster

JoeyV88 · 05/02/2022 17:34

@Peoplearetwats oh I have lost my temper but it does no good. He doesn’t see where I’m coming from at all - if I even suggest his actions or views are selfish he literally looks at me like I’ve just told him he has three heads

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2022 17:35

Why on earth are you with someone like that?

toppkatz · 05/02/2022 17:36

He's behaving like a singleton. Everything he wants to do is for himself.

What positives does he bring to your life, and that of the children?

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 05/02/2022 17:36

My STBExH is like this and in fairness to him he did try for the last few years to change.
It was literally all about him.
After one of my miscarriages he told me to not cry as it was bringing him down.
After another he'd booked a weekend away with his mates and couldn't change it and let them down (and him) so that he could take me to the hospital for my surgery. He dropped me off at the unit and drove off with his mate even though id have to go home alone to a toddler and older kids after surgery. And frankly I was sad. He told me to be a miserable bastard alone.
They don't sound great, but that was the best of what he was like. He realised too late to change. He did try but I was done.

I'm not sure it's possible. The thing is you've shown him that you accept that the world revolves around him. And it's been long. I'm not sure how to retrain that mindset. I'm not sure you can.

Original poster

JoeyV88 · 05/02/2022 17:38

@PurpleDaisies honest answer is I don’t know I guess before we had children he had less reason to moan and maybe I was a bit young and naive but since we’ve had children he’s turned into the biggest child of them all! Literally only thinks about himself. Maybe I’m becoming less tolerant the older I get too!

OP posts:

Spookytooth · 05/02/2022 17:40

Some people seriously lack empathy. Don't feel you always have to be cheerful. Tell him what he has to do. Tell him when he complains but also look into splitting if he continues.what would the set up be, how much time will he have the DCs, how much maintenance might he pay.

Flakeymcwakey · 05/02/2022 17:40

You are coming at this backwards OP, hoping someone else will change so that you feel okay. The real question is: will you be able to live with his selfishness, in an ongoing way? What needs do you have that aren't being met? How and even can you meet them while you are in a relationship with him? If your only solution is he becomes a different person you may as well give up now.

Original poster

JoeyV88 · 05/02/2022 17:41

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea thank you for your answer and sharing your experiences. A lot of what you say resonates with me. It’s as if his mind can only consider what he wants without any thought or empathy for me. How are people like this!? I’m guessing you’re a lot happier without him?

OP posts:

MadMadMadamMim · 05/02/2022 17:41

No. People have to want to change for there to be any hope - and he doesn't. Why would he want to? He's utterly selfish, utterly self-centred, not interested in you as a person - or your children by the sound of it.

I would be looking at divorce, frankly. He's bringing nothing to the table.

Original poster

JoeyV88 · 05/02/2022 17:47

Thank you everyone - it really helps to know I’m not alone in thinking this is just crappy behaviour. I’ve told him so so so so many times that he only thins about himself but he just can’t see it at all. It’s like I’m talking to him in a foreign language he is someone who always wants what others have - if they’re going on lavish holidays, he’s annoyed he can’t do the same etc etc. A lot of his friends are still Bachelors in their 40s and I think he envies what he perceives to be a life of freedom. It makes my blood boil that he has beautiful children and it feels like he doesn’t appreciate how lucky he is. I’ve told him to leave before - if we don’t fulfil his needs or make him happy he doesn’t have to be here. He just rolls his eyes. The thing is for all his moaning I don’t think he’s got it in him at all to up and leave, he would much rather spend the next 40 years moaning!

OP posts:

ChoiceMummy · 05/02/2022 17:48

[quote JoeyV88]@Alonelonelylonersbadidea thank you for your answer and sharing your experiences. A lot of what you say resonates with me. It’s as if his mind can only consider what he wants without any thought or empathy for me. How are people like this!? I’m guessing you’re a lot happier without him?[/quote]
Before calling him names, have you considered that he's wired differently and not neurotypical?

Original poster

JoeyV88 · 05/02/2022 17:48

@Spookytooth he would fight tooth and nail to keep me out of our marital home. He would hate the idea of me and the children being somewhere he put money towards without him. He would also want shared custody more so so that he wouldn’t have to pay maintenance to me. It would pain him to have to give me a penny!

OP posts:

user94747295 · 05/02/2022 17:52

@JoeyV88 hi OP. I have read all your posts and it could literally be me writing them.
It's awful isn't it. I would have the same situation if we split- he would want the kids 50-50 to spite me.

I don't think they will ever change. And I don't think they will ever know how to be happy/ appreciative of what they have.

Original poster

JoeyV88 · 05/02/2022 17:53

@ChoiceMummy I think a lot of it has to do with his upbringing rather than anything else. He was brought up to think he’s perfect and can do no wrong - I’ve seen his parents repeatedly tell him this. He is constantly told that he is never in the wrong and anyone who questions him must have mental health problems

OP posts:

Original poster

JoeyV88 · 05/02/2022 17:55

@user94747295 oh I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a hard time. It’s so frustrating isn’t it! My DH comes from a wealthier background and would find it far easier to provide a house etc for the children than I would if we were to split - I work PT since having the children so my income and ability to pay a mortgage/ bills alone etc is much lower than his. Which of course he knows!

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 05/02/2022 18:07

@ChoiceMummy are you taking the piss?

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 05/02/2022 18:10

@ChoiceMummy this is beyond condescending.
My kids are autistic. My father is autistic (for example, so brains wired differently) , one learns at some point in life not to be a total inconsiderate twat. It's called a lifeskill. Calling his shit behaviour normal for a nonNT person is absolutely absurd at best, offensive at worst.

FlowerArranger · 05/02/2022 18:16

I work PT since having the children so my income and ability to pay a mortgage/ bills alone etc is much lower than his. Which of course he knows!

Can you focus on rectifying this and becoming independent - you need to take the power back in this relationship.

He lacks empathy. He doesn't care about his family. He is utterly selfish.

He will not change, not ever. And there is nothing you can do to make him change.

All you can do us change your own actions.

Original poster

JoeyV88 · 05/02/2022 18:22

@FlowerArranger thank you I have thought about this - he knows it would be hard for me to leave, not impossible obviously, but harder and I need to change that for the future. I also don’t have family nearby so it would be down to me to do it alone.
A part of me questions why he doesn’t just leave? If life would be so much better if he had more of a social life, more free time, less responsibilities why not just go!?

OP posts:

MintJulia · 05/02/2022 18:30

Not in my experience.

People like that only see what they want. My ex literally cannot comprehend a world where what he wants isn't the only consideration. He started the day I went into labour.

He still cannot understand why ds does not want to spend birthdays motor racing with him. Ex knows ds loathes motor racing, but doesn't really believe that an alternative to his view is even possible. Is puzzled every time ds says 'no thanks'.

I left mine.

ChoiceMummy · 05/02/2022 18:41

[quote Alonelonelylonersbadidea]@ChoiceMummy this is beyond condescending.
My kids are autistic. My father is autistic (for example, so brains wired differently) , one learns at some point in life not to be a total inconsiderate twat. It's called a lifeskill. Calling his shit behaviour normal for a nonNT person is absolutely absurd at best, offensive at worst.[/quote]
You know some autistic people. Not all autistic people.

My child is on the spectrum and incredibly single minded with only 2 extremes, over empathy for younger children or absolutely no empathy.
To suggest that to say this is offensive, shows an absolute lack of understanding of those who are not ot neurotypical. Many do not pick up this "life skill".

Original poster

JoeyV88 · 05/02/2022 18:49

@MintJulia that’s great that your son says no and doesn’t just go along with it to keep him happy I hope life is much better for you since you left him.

OP posts:

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