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Original poster

I’ve stopped doing things for other people…

38 replies

Moonopoly · 05/02/2022 15:21

And it feels good! (Obviously this doesn’t include my kids) I’ve spent years being the one in my family and circle of friends who sorts and organising everything and fixes things for others. I was starting to get upset that no one ever returned the favour to the same extent. So I’ve just stopped doing so much for others…
It’s had some interesting consequences. One of which is that I haven’t seen one of my siblings for six months (because I was always the one doing the hosting/organising) and it doesn’t feel great that they aren’t that bother but I’m making my peace with that.
I also usually go the extra mile for things like Valentines Day for DH (which he never does) and this year I’m not doing it!
I’m going to put the spare energy in to my babies and myself!
Anyone else had a similar epiphany?

OP posts:

diddl · 05/02/2022 18:14

Yes we've fallen into the generic as neither of us ever know what to get each other & neither of us ever know what we want!

WalkingOnSonshine · 05/02/2022 18:19

I’ve been the same since DS was born.

I only do things that suit us as a family, and only go out of my way for people that I want to, rather than feel obliged to.

DH now has to organise presents/cards for his family and friends. If he forgets, he apologises to them.

It’s really freeing. I store less in my brain now and worry less.

Malariahilaria · 05/02/2022 18:24

Well done OP. When I finally decided to stop buying gifts or cards for DHs family it ended up with him essentially falling out with his dB and wife. They blamed me for not sending their kids gifts and said they weren't buying our (much younger) kids gifts any more. Good! I no longer do any Xmas cards at all and all social organising is about me and my very old friends who know me inside out, but Ive stopped trying with the local one upmanship crew, such a relief.

Mundra · 05/02/2022 18:35

I only have a limited number of fucks to give, so they need to go on the important stuff
Thanks @GoldenGorilla that's my new mantra!

SylviasMotherSaid · 05/02/2022 18:42

I feel like I spent most of the pandemic being there for people usually via messages phone calls etc doing things for people and we have now found ourselves in a really shit set of circumstances where family and friends basically say oh that’s rubbish sorry to hear that and don’t offer any help so no more from me . Not my monkeys not my circus os my mantra for 2022 and that covers family friends co-workers neighbours everyone .

DaisyChains3 · 05/02/2022 18:45

This is my problem. I’m the fixer for everyone and completely exhausted. I don’t get much back. I need to start using those useful phrases mentioned upthread. If I died there would be chaos.

CatrinVennastin · 05/02/2022 18:58

@diddl me and DH are the same. Card on birthday/valentines/anniversary and bottle of gin for me and whisky for him at Xmas. He hates fuss so suits us both.

With wider family I have stopped making an effort now apart from with my aunt who feels the same way as me. We keep in touch regularly and it doesn’t feel like a chore.

My sister is the worst and she will always sabotage any plans and turn it to suit her. So I have just disconnected completely from the whole situation. Feels good tbh!

Salie68x · 05/02/2022 19:33

I can realy relate to this. I have stopped being so helpful and kind. I have always been really supportive to my friends, family, work mates and neighbours. Done lots of favours, lifts, helped out. I had a really bad time a few months ago, lost my job, relationship problems and was very unwell. I got no help or even offers of help, or sympathy, just a few, thats a shame e. . I have struggled through. But will not be so helpful to other people in the future and won't be doing things for them.

pupcakes · 05/02/2022 20:55

I only have a limited number of fucks to give, so they need to go on the important stuff

I love this! I'm trying to do this OP, it's not easy as it's my instinct to organise things/help etc but I'm learning to step back and allow others to step in (and not be disappointed when they don't).

chickywoo · 05/02/2022 20:59

“queensonia

IWasWillingToGoWassailing
Well done! After much counselling, I am now not jumping in to fix things for other people. I find useful phrases are "that's a shame" or "that must be hard for you", then I just let things sit. I am not a full-service sister/ daughter / DIL / Mum / dogsbody. It's enormously freeing and I feel more like me than I have for years.
I'm going to steal, "That's A Shame" ! Thank you. (hope you don't mind that you've accidentally done me a favour!) smile”

Yes 🙌 I thought exactly the same, this is also going to be my new saying “that’s a shame” thanks 👍👍

toppkatz · 05/02/2022 21:01

@GoldenGorilla

There’s a book I enjoyed called “the life changing magic of not giving a fuck” - really helped me work out what matters to me, and what I actually don’t need to care about. I like to remind myself now that I only have a limited number of fucks to give, so they need to go on the important stuff :)

Yes, I've read that book too - it's brilliant.

coodawoodashooda · 05/02/2022 21:20

Totally agree!

WallaceinAnderland · 05/02/2022 21:26

DH and I have always done separate shopping for gifts, cards, etc. He does his family, I do mine. I don't see why this often all falls to the female in a relationship. My DH is a fully functioning adult, he doesn't need me to monitor or manage him. It's great actually. Really, really great to not have the burden of pleasing everyone.

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