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Original poster

I’ve stopped doing things for other people…

38 replies

Moonopoly · 05/02/2022 15:21

And it feels good! (Obviously this doesn’t include my kids) I’ve spent years being the one in my family and circle of friends who sorts and organising everything and fixes things for others. I was starting to get upset that no one ever returned the favour to the same extent. So I’ve just stopped doing so much for others…
It’s had some interesting consequences. One of which is that I haven’t seen one of my siblings for six months (because I was always the one doing the hosting/organising) and it doesn’t feel great that they aren’t that bother but I’m making my peace with that.
I also usually go the extra mile for things like Valentines Day for DH (which he never does) and this year I’m not doing it!
I’m going to put the spare energy in to my babies and myself!
Anyone else had a similar epiphany?

OP posts:

Comedycook · 05/02/2022 15:27

Good for you

Lampzade · 05/02/2022 15:54

Well done Op.
I did something similar years ago and it was one of the best things that I had ever done. I felt liberated.
Expect some anger from those around you.
People prefer to maintain the status quo and will be put out when you don’t behave in the the way that they are used to.

Inthesameboatatmo · 05/02/2022 16:00

Bloody good for you op. I wish I'd done this earlier its a revelation isn't it.

Original poster

Moonopoly · 05/02/2022 16:10

It’s amazing and very freeing! As the eldest child of multiple siblings I’ve been in this role from a young age. I’m also very empathetic and a good problem solver but I’ve finally realised that actually I’m not responsible for other people. Particularly when they don’t return it in the same way!

OP posts:

GiantHaystacks2021 · 05/02/2022 16:15

Keep it up.
Why do women have to do fuckin' everything??
Hope your 'D'H learns his lesson.

WallaceinAnderland · 05/02/2022 16:49

Welcome to my word OP, it's great. No stress, no guilt, no martyring yourself. It's actually lovely a free to realise that no-one really care that much about all those extra things you did. You were the only one that cared and now you don't have that burden any more.

IWasWillingToGoWassailing · 05/02/2022 16:54

Well done! After much counselling, I am now not jumping in to fix things for other people. I find useful phrases are "that's a shame" or "that must be hard for you", then I just let things sit. I am not a full-service sister/ daughter / DIL / Mum / dogsbody. It's enormously freeing and I feel more like me than I have for years.

melissasummerfield · 05/02/2022 16:58

I am just about to go down this road OP, I am so sick of organising / remembering / life admining everything for everyone and no one bothers to return the favour.

I’m exhausted and honestly feel like if i died tomorrow people would only notice because they would have to do their own shitty jobs!

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 05/02/2022 17:03

Yes. Over the past few years I have resigned my role as "fixer" of things for everyone. Not always well received but so much better for me!

hivemindneeded · 05/02/2022 17:08

Hi OP,
Yes I had a similar epiphany a few years ago. I promise you after the initial disappointment that some people just aren't bothered if you are in touch or not, your life gets so much better. It's more fun, more chilled, you have way more time for yourself and your DC.

Justkeepon · 05/02/2022 17:10

Good for you OP

The givers have to set limits because the takers have none - I read this years ago and remind myself of it daily

MillieMoonbeam · 05/02/2022 17:11

I stopped doing everything for everybody years ago. It’s very liberating OP. Here’s to you getting your life back 🍷 Enjoy!

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 05/02/2022 17:17

Good for you!

Original poster

Moonopoly · 05/02/2022 17:20

@melissasummerfield go for it - I can highly recommend it!

@Justkeepon The givers have to set limits because the takers have none. I like this phrase a lot! Also been trying the, ‘not my circus, not my monkeys’ mantra!

OP posts:

Original poster

Moonopoly · 05/02/2022 17:21

@IWasWillingToGoWassailing yes good phrases.

OP posts:

coodawoodashooda · 05/02/2022 17:22

@Justkeepon

Good for you OP

The givers have to set limits because the takers have none - I read this years ago and remind myself of it daily

Totally.

coodawoodashooda · 05/02/2022 17:23

Will you be upset on Valentines Day when nothing happens?

toppkatz · 05/02/2022 17:26

@coodawoodashooda

Will you be upset on Valentines Day when nothing happens?

Presumably no more than any other year because her DH doesn't bother much anyway.

He's in for a surprise though

Crucible · 05/02/2022 17:27

Just over 5 years ago. Endless years putting in all effort. 40th birthday turning point... No more putting all the effort in.

Circumstances sometimes dictate that I need to step up (lockdown led to my putting lot of effort into being a family fixer again for example). Other than that - no never again.

GoldenGorilla · 05/02/2022 17:29

There’s a book I enjoyed called “the life changing magic of not giving a fuck” - really helped me work out what matters to me, and what I actually don’t need to care about. I like to remind myself now that I only have a limited number of fucks to give, so they need to go on the important stuff :)

WallaceinAnderland · 05/02/2022 17:29

@coodawoodashooda

Will you be upset on Valentines Day when nothing happens?

I don't think anyone should be upset on valentines day if their partner treats them well all the time and just isn't fussed about a made up day. It's too juvenile to be upset about in a mature, loving relationship.

queensonia · 05/02/2022 17:33

@IWasWillingToGoWassailing

I'm going to steal, "That's A Shame" ! Thank you. (hope you don't mind that you've accidentally done me a favour!)

Original poster

Moonopoly · 05/02/2022 17:34

@toppkatz @WallaceinAnderland
Yes both of these things! He’s by no stretch the worst offender in this scenario and does do lots of other things for me. We’ll have to see how he reacts - maybe I should give him a heads up to see if he comes up with a plan this year instead!

OP posts:

diddl · 05/02/2022 17:42

When you say that you usually go the extra mile for Valentine's Day-what does that mean & will you be going from that to nothing?

I think that people often make the mistake(?) of doing for others what they actually like for themselves.

Husband & I have always both been on the same wavelength about such things-generally a card & token present.

Original poster

Moonopoly · 05/02/2022 18:00

@diddl What I mean is I usually purchase something very thoughtful for DH such as a rare record or picture from an artist he likes. I spend a lot of time finding these. I also have organised surprise things for us to do. He doesn’t do nothing but it tends to be generic gifts that don’t take that much energy and effort that I put in.
We do have different love languages; mine is physical and his is quality time/acts of service.
He doesn’t do nothing it’s just he doesn’t put as much effort in as I do!

OP posts:

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