Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

MIL always commenting on how tired I look

62 replies

user4774848 · 03/02/2022 20:11

It feels almost every single time my MIL sees me she tells me I'm looking really tired - we see her a few times a week and sometimes if I say no I'm not tired she will insist that she can tell from my face that I'm tired! Just went out to dinner with her and she made the same comment.

Why do people think it's okay to always point that out??

And guess what, I've told a toddler who has been slipping into our bed almost every night lately so yes I am exhausted! Grrrr. Just had to vent. I don't know what she's expecting me to do when she points it out every single time we meet!!

OP posts:
Original poster
user4774848 · 03/02/2022 20:38

Some absolutely hilarious responses! But yes the getting it in first could work.

OP posts:
Phrowzunn · 03/02/2022 20:48

My MIL always tells me either I look tired, I look pale, or I’m too thin (I’m not in the slightest, she’s just incredibly overweight). The last time I managed to pluck up the courage to say something like ‘I don’t comment on your body so you don’t need to comment on mine!’ and haven’t had anything since 🤞🏻

KittyTail · 03/02/2022 21:11

My ex MIL was like this. I believe the insinuation is that you’re not coping. And possibly a little envy. You’re a beautiful woman and a young mum. Possibly she herself didn’t cope well with motherhood and found it tiring. In this situation I would most likely have a prepared response that went something like this:

‘I know. You often tell me that I look tired these days. Perhaps I do. No one else comments on it, though. You remember how tiring having a young family is but I wouldn’t change it for the world, would you?’

Don't let her rattle you. The aim of comments like this is to create insecurity because she herself is insecure.

Original poster
user4774848 · 04/02/2022 17:04

@KittyTail

My ex MIL was like this. I believe the insinuation is that you’re not coping. And possibly a little envy. You’re a beautiful woman and a young mum. Possibly she herself didn’t cope well with motherhood and found it tiring. In this situation I would most likely have a prepared response that went something like this:

‘I know. You often tell me that I look tired these days. Perhaps I do. No one else comments on it, though. You remember how tiring having a young family is but I wouldn’t change it for the world, would you?’

Don't let her rattle you. The aim of comments like this is to create insecurity because she herself is insecure.

Thanks ! That's interesting and insightful
OP posts:
Tulipsinmyvase · 04/02/2022 18:08

I would stop meeting/entertaining her so frequently and say you need rest as you are’tired’ !

museumum · 04/02/2022 18:20

But you are tired and busy? Unless she’s a horrible person I’d assume she was showing sympathy. I’d say “yes I am, not sure if you remember what life with toddlers was like?”
You could even say “I am a bit tired but you pointing it out makes me feel a lot worse - do I really look that bad?” - that’s what I’d say to a friend.

I think if you’d said you are 100% we’ll rested and full of beans, no work stress or you g children then it would be odd for her to say you look tired but since you say you are a bit tired I don’t see the problem. I was permanently exhausted till my youngest was 6 - then we hit the pandemic homeschooling while still working 😬😱

KalaniM · 04/02/2022 18:21

When she says “you look tired!” Can you reply “ oh, Thankyou , I’d Love a cup of tea and a rest! “ and disappear to lie on the sofa…

Crimblecrumble1990 · 04/02/2022 18:33

My MIL was the same when I was pregnant. I saw her every day (she looked after our dog while we worked) and every day I collected him she would tell me how tired I looked, even when I wasn’t tired at all. Just had to awkwardly reply with I feel fine actually, but then the next day she would say it again and so on.

coronabeer · 04/02/2022 18:38

Without hearing the tone and context in which she says it, it's hard to say she's being unreasonable or unkind. It could be an indirect way of offering help. Maybe you could answer with something like: "Yes, I am tired. I never really get a full night's sleep". Who knows? Maybe she'll offer to give you a break at some point.

Roselilly36 · 04/02/2022 18:45

Is she offering any support? If she thinks you look tired, why wouldn’t she be offering help. My MIL was amazing when we started our family, DS1 was an easy baby, but DS2 was a whole different story, she looked after him all night one night a week in our home, so we could go out for a meal, be a couple and sleep for a whole night. I have never forgotten have valuable her support was.

QuantumHypothesis · 04/02/2022 18:59

Tell her that her son is insatiable and you’ve been up all night shagging.

whymewhyme · 04/02/2022 19:01

My mum and alll my work colleges have said it to me even when ive got make up on and i think i look ok...annoying

Dillydollydingdong · 04/02/2022 19:04

She's trying to be sympathetic, and show you that she understands you're working hard.

saltedcaramelhotchocolate · 04/02/2022 19:08

It's rude. I like the suggestion of PP of trying to get it in first and see how she reacts

KylieCharlene · 04/02/2022 19:18

My Mil always has to mention how tired her poor Son looks. Basically insinuating he does everything and I do nothing.
He nods along like he's some sort of sorry slave and it makes me so mad.
He gets up and looks busy when they visit basically because he can't be arsed to make conversation whilst I'm sat there like Lady Muck. Soon as they leave he sits back down with his feet up!.
I'd like to see how it feels to be told I look tired. Although I do think it is probably a put down when aimed at the Mum to question whether you're coping.

MyBottleOfRibena · 04/02/2022 19:21

My MIL was always doing the same until my husband politely told her to fuck off and stop doing it.

parrotonthesofa · 04/02/2022 21:05

When people say this to me I say no, I'm not, this is just my face now so get used to it' they don't say it again!

HelloDulling · 04/02/2022 21:10

If she is forever inviting you over for dinner, say no thanks, you are too tired. Send DH over with the kids and have a couple of hours to yourself. You can nap, or just enjoy the peace.

mjf981 · 04/02/2022 21:35

@parrotonthesofa

When people say this to me I say no, I'm not, this is just my face now so get used to it' they don't say it again!
Brilliant comeback Grin
Wheeloftime · 04/02/2022 21:45

Urgh.. Always found this comment so rude. If you suspect some sort of insinuation retaliate. Next time say, "not as much as you though dear mil, is everything OK at home? Are you taking your medications, maybe you should see a Dr".
Oh or say smt like, "oh do you remember you asked me yesterday too and I said I was fine? Do you think you're forgetting things, shall we bring you to the gp darling mil, it's that age you know.... "

NewbieSM · 04/02/2022 22:22

Sorry but fuck this, I would be blunt with her the next time she says it. Tell her I don't appreciate you making comments on my appearance, I don't disparage your looks so keep your negative commentary to yourself. Don't insult her back as tempting as it is as you lose the moral high ground, trust me the view from up there will be worth it Wink

NotNowAlan · 04/02/2022 22:30

@Dumbledoressister

I am going against the grain here but I don't see it as an insult! It drives my husband mad when I tell him he looks tired but he IS tired so I don't think it's a bad thing to say. I am tired and I look fucking knackered so I'd expect people to notice it.
But why would you say it? What's the point, other than to make them feel like shit?
UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 04/02/2022 22:39

Tell her she looks old.

NowEvenBetter · 05/02/2022 00:45

Dumble what is the need to point out your thoughts on someone’s appearance? Announcing they look not good. Who does it benefit? Make it make sense.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 05/02/2022 07:59

I’ve always taken that comment as a euphemism for ‘you look awful’ so I’d tell her that’s how I take it (whether she means it like that or not) so will she please stop saying it.

‘I’m sure you don’t mean it like that, MiL, but to me it sounds too much like, ‘You look awful’ so I’d be really glad if you could please stop saying it.’