Teachers' comments at parent's eve

[TwentinQuarantino]

Had a virtual parent's evening today for Ds1 in year 7. It was literally 4 minutes with each teacher individually and in succession, and about 10 of them in total. Overall very happy with his progress as they all said he is bright, studious and gets on with it.

However I was told repeatedly he is 'too quiet', not always willing to put his hand up if unsure of an answer, is shy, doesn't join in enough in class discussions, and that I 'need to push him to become more extroverted'. I was quite shocked and just laughed at the last comment and replied well he is the way he is. I mean, how do you even push someone to change their personality? I dont want him to change as I love him the way he is and for being a deep thinker and not talking rubbish all the time like DH and ds2

I also mentioned he is newly diagnosed with ASD and that probably explains some of his behaviour. But honestly, is there something wrong with being too quiet? I want to focus on the positives, like him being so well behaved and in set 1, and actually putting his hand up sometimes as he refused to in primary school. Why is being loud celebrated and being quiet disliked?

I had the exact same comments at DD parents Eve last week. She’s year 9 and top set for everything. Never had a tell/detention. Is involved in lots of clubs and sports and works really, really hard. Every single teacher commented on how quiet she is and how I should encourage her to join in more debates and put her hand up more.

That’s just not her style. I won’t be ‘encouraging her’ to do anything other than what she’s doing already. As what’s she’s doing…is obviously working!

@TwentinQuarantino my child has selective mutism and is mainly non verbal in school, to push a parent to push a child to be more extroverted does not help the situation at all, I can imagine that will do more harm than good.

My child is in primary school and I have no experience of the high school setting so not sure if the same applies but the SEN teacher at my child's school referred him for speech and language. The specialist came into school to assess him and will continue with those assessments in school. The SALT then sent me her assessment outcome, what steps they will take to support him.

OP, I recommend the book Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain.

Yes, Susan Cain is great. There are lots of her talks and interviews on Youtube. It would be fantastic if teachers could take on board some of her strategies for helping quieter children to thrive in the classroom without making them feel they've got to pretend to be something they are not.

Sounds to me like your child is a dream to have in class, and that was the only thing anyone could come up with to improve.
Confidence is great, and he should feel confident about how he is perfoming in school, and also confident that you love him and his personality, just the way he is. I doubt he can change anyway, not that you'd want him to!

My DD is autistic and whilst never had it confirmed by a professional does appear to have selective mutism, you can see she can't get her words out.

I do try and encourage her to do things like pay for shopping.

SEN children are already having to work harder mentally to absorb the lessons than their NT counterparts, adding in extra pressure isn't going to help.

Although it is important to be able to speak in front of others for certain courses/jobs so it might be something to gradually help him with but in small steps.

From a teacher's point of view, discussion in class is a live way of getting feedback about understanding. By the time books get marked, it could be a few lessons down the line and misconceptions bedded in and harder to resolve, so there is a point in checking engagement and understanding in class.
I once had a small A-level class that all were reluctant to speak in and it was painful teaching them. Discussion is an expected part of the course, and it shouldn't all be chalk and talk from the teacher and essays. Lovely people but the lesson always felt very flat and draining to deliver. Probably a hard combination for them too as there was no spark to build on and follow up with.

That said, pupils with low confidence, ASD or other social concerns aren't going to magically pipe up.

DS has ASD and while he is happy to go rattling off if a topic is of interest, he does struggle with other interactions. It helps him if I model an expected "script" admittedly easier for something like ordering food than the classroom.
When I taught a selectively mute child, I got them to work with their friend to take the brunt of the attention and would talk to them quietly 1:1.
Thinking time can help draw out answers. Giving notice to pupils that they'll be next to answer. Giving discussion time in a small group and a spokesperson.

There are ways that can help a reluctant contributor interact more in lessons.