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Original poster

Teachers' comments at parent's eve

57 replies

TwentinQuarantino · 02/02/2022 23:10

Had a virtual parent's evening today for Ds1 in year 7. It was literally 4 minutes with each teacher individually and in succession, and about 10 of them in total. Overall very happy with his progress as they all said he is bright, studious and gets on with it.

However I was told repeatedly he is 'too quiet', not always willing to put his hand up if unsure of an answer, is shy, doesn't join in enough in class discussions, and that I 'need to push him to become more extroverted'. I was quite shocked and just laughed at the last comment and replied well he is the way he is. I mean, how do you even push someone to change their personality? I dont want him to change as I love him the way he is and for being a deep thinker and not talking rubbish all the time like DH and ds2

I also mentioned he is newly diagnosed with ASD and that probably explains some of his behaviour. But honestly, is there something wrong with being too quiet? I want to focus on the positives, like him being so well behaved and in set 1, and actually putting his hand up sometimes as he refused to in primary school. Why is being loud celebrated and being quiet disliked?

OP posts:

KerrrrrrrChingADing · 03/02/2022 07:31

I have this. It's who they are. It doesnt reflect on their learn, so I'm not going to push it

ilovebagpuss · 03/02/2022 07:44

My DD’s report was similar and same year. The teachers said that if they ask her now and again she does answer so they know she is listening and taking it in.
They also said her book work was good. The way one teacher put it was just to raise her confidence of herself and she suggested moving her to sit next to a particular friend to make her feel a bit more comfortable in class first and then the interaction may improve.
I thought this was a nice way to go about it rather than just she must speak out more.
Actually she was a lovely teacher as she said she knows my DD doesn’t like working in groups and that’s fine too but I think she knows gently she needs to go more that way as she gets through the years.
Nothing wrong with being quiet or shy but we have to do our bit to improve confidence if we can.
you could set your DS little challenges like one teacher interaction a day or a week and slowly build up.

Fairylightsongs · 03/02/2022 07:49

I also think you may have misunderstood this, encouraging him to not be so quiet, to be more extroverted, is not the same as saying he needs to be loud, and honestly no one celebrates loud people.

They are saying he needs to verbally engage more, and for him this is likely going to be a positive if he learns how to, to speak up, voice his thoughts, his concern, so encouraging him, praising him, showing him his opinion and thoughts are valued are the way to go. It’s also not the case you can’t also focus on the positive. You can. You can praise his strengths and support his areas for improvements simultaneously.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education Secondary education SEN

TeenPlusCat · 03/02/2022 07:53

I know 3 bright NT kids who were always 'quiet' in class.
They have all to some extent gone on to have difficulties in higher education because of difficulty having confidence to give presentations on their ideas.
So although in anyone one class it isn't an issue, I do think having confidence in giving your views is a useful skill to encourage / develop.
If people can't then they can't. But for others it is useful to encourage a bit of going out of their comfort zone when the stakes are low before it becomes more of an issue at a level, university or the work place.

annonymousse · 03/02/2022 08:00

I had the same as a child. My maths teacher in particular told my parents I knew the answers and just wouldn't put my hand up. So under pressure from everyone I put my hand up and got the answer wrong. The teacher absolutely roared NOOOO and threw the chalk at me. Never ever put my hand up again. Misses point of thread but it dragged up a memory 🥴

Sockpile · 03/02/2022 08:01

My DH and I were told the same throughout our school lives. We now hear/heard the same at every parents evening about our DDs.

We are quiet people but it hasn’t held us back academically or at work as we are all capable of speaking when needed.

Punxsutawney · 03/02/2022 08:02

The NAS description says -

"Autism is a lifelong developmental disability which affects how people communicate and interact with the world'

It would be worth making sure teachers are aware he may not communicate in the same way in the classroom, as NT children. And that reasonable adjustments need to be made to accommodate his difficulties.

steppemum · 03/02/2022 08:03

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

It's not about being loud. It's having the confidence to speak up infront of your peers which is an important skill. Being able to speak in a group, to express your views, to check understanding are all important things.

I have a student who doesn't like to use her voice in case the answer she is going to give is wrong and she'll be laughed at. To build her confidence I suggested to her parents that once a lesson she puts her hand up and asks me for a pen, pencil whatever so that she built up her confidence in using her voice in front of the rest of the class.

Also if his written work is good and his behaviour is good then the one area to improve on would be group interactions and the teacher probably has to give an area of improvement.

spot on and I love this suggestion or using his voice to ask for 'safe' things to build confidence

itsgettingweird · 03/02/2022 08:05

I agree he needs more confidence to ask for help if he struggles with this.

But asking for help and being an extrovert are not the same thing.

You are right about that comment being stupid!

My ds also has asd and was worried about being public with answers due to anxiety about getting it wrong. Our work with him focussed around the feelings of being wrong and the anxiety. This was the important bit.

Cdl84 · 03/02/2022 08:13

I would just leave him to be how he naturally is, you can't change him but he might change as he gets older naturally. I was exactly like this with all my school reports saying the same about me. I did well at school, went to uni, and have a good job which requires a lot of contact with public and professionals and I was even told at school (by a teacher) that I wouldn't be able to do this job as I was too quiet - that was a load of rubbish and I ignored them.

RedskyThisNight · 03/02/2022 08:14

As others have said, it's not about being loud - it's about being self confident. Many subjects involve the ability to be able to compare varying points of opinion and getting involved in class discussion is a way to develop those skills. Often the children who are loud for the sake of being loud are not very good at this, and it's the ones who make the occasional but considered contribution that are more recognised.

Mabelface · 03/02/2022 08:16

I used to hate speaking out in class. I didn't want to draw attention to myself and there was almost a physical barrier which stopped me. Having asd makes all the difference here, and it doesn't sound like anyone is taking this into account.

Yes, public speaking is a good skill to have, but not to the detriment of his confidence and mental health. The anxiety I've carried through life is 100% due to my autism. He's doing well, just being quiet about it. If teachers want to check that he's understood something, they can speak to him 121 or put a note in his homework diary. There are always ways round.

hoorayandupsherises · 03/02/2022 08:32

This was said over and over again about me in school reports etc. I have ASD and it absolutely made it worse as I felt all the pressure of feeling like I should say something without having anything to say.

Also, I was always bullied or othered for being different and was doing everything I could not to stand out, which did not make me want to speak up.

It still happens at work as (I'm not sure I'm going to explain this well) there are points in a meetings where I just have nothing to say - no words in mind so I can't put my thought processes into words and I am incapable of just saying anything to fill the gap. I have a lag in processing what people say, so often I'm still doing that so can't possibly respond.

I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that I am very good with one-to-one's, presentations, competency-based interviews i.e. all the stuff that you can prepare beforehand. I also used to do school plays and choir - again stuff you can prepare.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 03/02/2022 08:39

This is the comment my dd has got every single year from pretty much most teachers throughout her school career. She is quiet in class, but chatty out of it and has lots of friends. She's extremely able and is top in everything so not putting her hand up hasn't changed anything. She's now off to a great uni.

I think that with some kids who are pretty good in class, they have to think of something to say, and they just say this. Don't over think it, it will not be the last time it's said either...

Warblerinwinter · 03/02/2022 08:46

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

Also if his written work is good and his behaviour is good then the one area to improve on would be group interactions and the teacher probably has to give an area of improvement.

This is such a good idea re the pencil.

The issue with feedback like “too quiet” is its lazy negative criticism…if you give feedback you need to also be prepared to have thought about and discuss potential solutions as you did here. Otherwise it’s just personal

Peaseblossum22 · 03/02/2022 08:47

@Happymum12345

This is all good have heard from nursery to sixth form with my ds. Don’t worry at all. My ds is off to university in September, where it won’t be mentioned again-I hope!

Sadly many courses now have part of their assessment on participation in seminars etc , not to mention the dreaded ‘group work’ which is just in many cases an excuse for the lazy and disorganised to sponge off the conscientious . It’s routine as well to have to make presentations in seminars.

Personally I think the emphasis should be on listening and critically appraising, it’s not just about contributing but about making valid and appropriate contributions. If your ds has something valid and useful to contribute it’s important that he has the skills to be able to do this.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 03/02/2022 08:49

I do wish teachers were more accommodating and tolerant in this area.

A PE teacher wouldn't get away with telling a child with a congenital limp that their game would improve if only they didn't limp so much.

A good teacher would accept that a child is quieter and then think of strategies to help them contribute more in class in their own way without constantly drawing attention to their quietness and offering nothing more.

SickAndTiredAgain · 03/02/2022 08:51

I was described as quiet at every parents’ evening and the teachers all assumed it was because I didn’t want to give an answer in case it was wrong.
It wasn’t that, I just saw no point. I knew what I thought the answer was, I knew the teacher would tell us the answer shortly (either themselves or by confirming what another student said) and then I’d know if I was right. I also didn’t need the teacher to know whether or not I was understanding, because I always was. If they wanted to pick on me to answer, that was fine, I just wasn’t going to volunteer. It wasn’t confidence, it was just an element of school that didn’t aid my learning so why participate when other students actively wanted to. I’m perfectly capable of speaking up at work where necessary, I don’t think that’s comparable to giving an answer in a classroom.

GrandmasCat · 03/02/2022 08:54

Shyness goes from cute when they are young to be a social disability when they grow up. I think you should not dismiss the advise as he must be very shy or unable to show his views or stand his ground for the tutors to bring it up.

The way we helped DS was by putting him in a position that he needed to speak for himself. We replaced answering for him when somebody asked questions with “Peter, the lady is asking you a question…”. If he wanted to get a treat we gave him the money and asked him to go and buy it himself, once he was older I insisted that it was rude to answer questions with a yes or no, he needed to answer in a sentence and add a full sentence question back.

He is still quiet now as an adult but shyness doesn’t stop him from walking his own path or chasing his own dreams.

Punxsutawney · 03/02/2022 08:57

But it's not shyness, he's autistic, that is completely different.

SartresSoul · 03/02/2022 09:03

I have been told this about all of my children throughout their school life, even as young as reception. I was the same at school so it doesn’t surprise me and I’ve had a couple of teachers say they were like that at school too. I’m not worried about it, if they’re quiet they aren’t causing trouble so that suits me!

Wheelz46 · 03/02/2022 09:10

@ErrolTheDragon my child has selective mutism and the teachers put no pressure on him to speak in class. What they do is, check his written work to gain his understanding of what has been taught.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 03/02/2022 09:11

I think there's less acceptance of quietness than there used to be in schools. This has probably been influenced by society's ideal persona being the bold go-getter these days.

MrsCremuel · 03/02/2022 09:14

I think using the term ‘extroverted’ wasn’t helpful, I think they mean confident. I’m an introvert and was very anxious speaking up in classes where the dynamic wasn’t great so I think the teachers also need to facilitate this too. It will help him though, I remember feeling very frustrated at having an opinion but not the confidence to express it. It’s an important life skill - it sounds as if they want the best for him and it’s not a criticism.

Original poster

TwentinQuarantino · 03/02/2022 09:47

Just reading all the replies, thank you - particularly from those with ASD as it really feels you can understand my DS. It's also good to hear from teachers' perspectives.

I agree his confidence is something that could be worked on, but I found it unhelpful that they told me the 'problem' but no practical solution of how they can help it grow and develop. TBH there just wasn't enough time for me to really question this (as I said 4 minutes is all we had with each teacher before it automatically cut off). I admit I am a little sensitive when teachers comment on DS as all his academic life I've heard he's too quiet, he's a daydreamer, he won't focus etc etc and deep down I've known it's not deliberate.

Although he is quiet by nature, through the ASD assessments we discovered he does struggle with communication and expressive language. The psychologist wants him referred to speech & language but he isn't a severe enough case so doubts the GP will do it (damn funding cuts). We will see. I need to arrange a meeting with his HofY though to discuss his diagnosis. The school's terrible with communicating (the irony!) and will have to chase it up as it's been over a week and I've not heard from them. I can then question what practical steps can be taken to help DS. Sorry if post is all over the place I'm having to rush.

OP posts:

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