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Original poster

Be honest - would you be surprised if your partner had an affair after x years of no intimacy

30 replies

HonestlyPromisely · 31/01/2022 21:07

X being 4 years.

Refusal to discuss lack of sex, won’t go to GP, no longer desires sex, no intimacy at all.

Would you really be surprised? Not hurt, but surprised?

OP posts:
IsaLating · 31/01/2022 21:09

Well, there’s more to a relationship than sex, so yes I’d be surprised.

Purplecatshopaholic · 31/01/2022 21:10

No, not really. It’s not that he doesn’t want sex - clearly he still does

LetHimHaveIt · 31/01/2022 21:12

I presume OP means that if A is the person withholding sex, he/she shouldn't be surprised if B has an affair.

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General health
TooWicked · 31/01/2022 21:13

Refusal to discuss lack of sex, won’t go to GP, no longer desires sex, no intimacy at all.

Who is doing that? The person having the affair, or the partner who has discovered the affair?

HangoverSquare · 31/01/2022 21:13

No.

If a partner was so emotionally stunted as to take sex out of a relationship and refused any discussion of the matter they couldn't very well complain that 4 years later the other half of the relationship sought sex elsewhere.

I wouldn't even wait 4 years. I'd have left long before that.

FrugalFrancine · 31/01/2022 21:13

Hmmmmm I think I'd be divorced after a long time with no sex, unless maybe there was a medical reason for it

Valkyrie40 · 31/01/2022 21:13

I'd be very very angry. But maybe not surprised.

Cheating is never ok though.

HangoverSquare · 31/01/2022 21:15

@Valkyrie40

I'd be very very angry. But maybe not surprised.

Cheating is never ok though.

Surely deciding sex is no longer part of the relationship and refusing to even discuss the matter is cheating on the relationship too?
NameChangesforNoman · 31/01/2022 21:22

I don’t much care about the sex part, don’t see it as an entitlement but clearly the communication is totally gone.

Bananarama21 · 31/01/2022 21:24

Tbh if that person what's to withhold sex that's there right and if there dotn want to dicuss it then they can't be surprised if they seek comfort elsewhere. For me sex is a personal intimate part of a relationship, if you didn't have that then your nothing more than friends.

Valkyrie40 · 31/01/2022 21:26

Surely deciding sex is no longer part of the relationship and refusing to even discuss the matter is cheating on the relationship too?

I don't think that withholding sex in a relationship is fair, no - unless both people are ok with it of course.

However, the partner who wants sex should be upfront about their feelings and end the marriage/relationship before having sex with someone else.

Il say it again - cheating is never ok!

If my dh withheld sex from me for a long period of time I think I'd be honest and tell him that I need intimacy and if he cant give it to me I will have to think about ending the marriage so I can possibly find what I need with someone else.

I wouldn't cheat though. I couldn't stand the deceit.

Whelmed · 31/01/2022 21:27

I'd be disappointed all the same

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 31/01/2022 21:28

As PP say, assuming that A is the partner who has unilaterally withdrawn from sex and refused to discuss it, no I would not be surprised to find that B is having an affair once we are counting the sexless period in multiple years.

That doesn't make it right. It's always wrong to break a promise of fidelity. But do I understand why someone might still love someone else and want to share a life with them but also be desperate to feel desirable and sexually fulfilled, yes I do.

FMSucks · 31/01/2022 21:30

I’d be surprised if they didn’t have an affair!

Pallisers · 31/01/2022 21:33

In those circumstances (if dh was the one with no interest) I wouldn't want to have an affair - I'd want to leave and I think no intimacy and a refusal to even discuss it is a very good reason to leave.

I'm not sure how angry I'd be if someone had an affair in these circumstances but I still think it is "wrong" as such. The fallout from an affair is about personal intergrity and deceit and even hurting the affair partner as much as it is about cheating on a spouse.

PermanentTemporary · 31/01/2022 21:38

I remember a poster on here years ago before there were quite so many obvious trolls, and I think I believed her. She and her partner (male I'm pretty sure) hadn't had sex for six years, she was sure they never would again, but regarded the idea that he night have sex with someone else as a betrayal and instant dealbreaker. It did make me think about my own attitudes.

Sex is so important to me. I find the idea of having to give it up for medical reasons terrifying - if it happened to me I might see if I could have some sort of hormonal treatment to reduce my sex drive. I know I'd be begging my partner to find another person to have sex with and as the other person would be a human being it would probably be better to break up completely. I don't believe that sexless partnerships are necessarily just friends, but I also think that sex is central and fundamental to most romantic relationships. That also means if my partner couldn't or wouldn't have sex og some type with me and wouldn't discuss it... no, it doesn't work. I'd end up breaking up with him. And I don't feel good that I'm that sort of person.

HangoverSquare · 31/01/2022 21:40

You can't withhold sex from someone from years without any explanation and think you can also hold the moral high ground when your partner looks elsewhere.

ExtremelyDetermined · 31/01/2022 21:40

I'd be surprised if they didn't leave, or consider it. But having an affair, no, two wrongs don't make a right and it's a horrendous way to end a marriage.

grapewine · 31/01/2022 21:43

I wouldn't be in a sexless relationship for years, barring some illness.

I wouldn't be surprised, no.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2022 21:44

I’d have left way earlier than 4 years.

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 31/01/2022 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 31/01/2022 21:51

Dammit, hasn't meant to hit post on the above and will request deletion. Anyway, yes, it's easy to say leave a sexless relationship, but when it means blowing up a shared life with DC and someone you still love, and you want to stay in the relationship but just not go insane... I can absolutely see why a discreet no-strings affair seems like the least worst option.

Chilledchablis1 · 31/01/2022 21:54

ZoeTheThornyDevil

“I recall the woman who hadn't had sex with her DH for ten years, didn't work and basically spent her time obsessively following her 15yo around, and was shocked, SHOCKED to find out her husband was having an affair.”

Yes I remember that thread but don’t recall the outcome although if my memory serves me well that OP was shocked that anyone thought she was unreasonable.

stealthninjamum · 31/01/2022 21:54

Two wrongs don’t make a right as I am forever telling dc. If person A unilaterally decides no sex then it’s better if person B leaves and then finds someone.

HangoverSquare · 31/01/2022 22:02

I'd imagine there's a timeline for people in these situations

Year 1 = tell yourself it's just a bump in the road and things will get back on track
Year 2 = Try and ignore the elephant in the (bed)room and get on with the rest of your life
Year 3 = your self-esteem is pretty low but you're still just trundling on
Year 4 = realise that your sex life doesn't necessarily need to be over