Friends keep cancelling on me - It's causing me a lot of anxiety! 🤔

[Wisteriabloom]

I'll give some examples - These things have all happened within the last year/18 months, and I know the effect of Lockdown & Covid isn't a factor, as the people I'm referring to are all sociable and active by nature ....

• On my birthday weekend last year I booked tickets for a show, (local theatre) for me & 2 friends. This was AFTER checking a few months before, that they wanted to see it and were free that evening. They both replied straightaway they'd love to come, so I booked. Fast forward to the day - abiut 3 pm one of them texted she wasn't feeling well and hoped I could get someone to go in her place. (She also added I may have seen on Facebook she'd been out to lunch with another friend that day, but symptoms started when she got home)🤔 I had seen Facebook and didn't believe her for a second, she obv couldn't be bothered to come out again. Myself & the other friend went (couldn't find anyone that short notice to take her place). We still enjoyed it but I felt a bit let-down.

• I'm in a group of neighbours (3 of us) who take turns hosting get-togethers every few months. It was my turn, so we settled on a date to come to mine. They confirmed they were up for it, so the day before I bought pizza & prosecco, and did some prep, table, tidying etc next morning. They were dye around 7 pm, mid afternoon one texted to say she had too much to do (people staying that weekend and now couldn't make it) when I texted the other one saying I hoped to still see her, she mentioned being tired from work, headache and could we do it another time. ☹ I admit I cried, looking at my pizzas, wine & freshly made desserts, all for no reason.

- Another friend (we normally meet for coffee, then she suggested doing an evening) was meant to be coming with me to an open-air cinema, she seemed so keen! I then woke up to an early text from her (day after I booked tickets) to say she now can't make it, double booked herself, hopes someone can take her place. 🤔 My dd came with me, so it wasn't wasted, but still ....

Ok, I'm not lonely, dh & I do plenty together and we're part of a large group of friends who meet up regularly, and the ones I've mentioned who cancelled, one has invited me to her 40th birthday next month and another has asked me along to see live music next weekend with a few others. I'll go to both, but feel I can only accept other's invites, if I organise anything myself they just bail on me! Would anyone else be feeling a lack of confidence after these experiences? My dh's regular mantra is 'Have you been cancelled on AGAIN?' 😲which makes me feel it even more acutely!

I have a friend who is a serial canceller, but usually only when it's something I've arranged or is for me, like a birthday night out. She will agree to plans in advance but on the day, predictable as clockwork, around 4pm she will text the group chat to say she's no longer coming. It was always because she has a headache, is tired, got to see her parents or long day at work, but lately she's just stopped giving reasons and just bluntly says she's not going to make it after all. What's most irritating is she always signs off with 'but have a great night!' I think she likes the idea but when the day comes she can't be bothered to make the effort for me. I questioned her about it once but she got defensive. Now I've stopped taking it personally even though it's annoying. In many ways she's a great friend so I focus on that.

Do you people’s flakiness has got worse since the pandemic or were they cancellers before too?

I know what you mean. I have a friend I saw lots during the covid restrictions. As soon as things opened up properly she regularly cancelled on me and didn’t re-arrange.

It hurts as I thought we were close but it seems not.

I think people who were a bit flake prone are now full on flakes. They have a million more excuses at their disposal.

The stinger is when they seem to be able to get themselves out for others though.

I agree, Whirley. The examples I mentioned in my OP, all used to very occasionally cancel, but now it seems constant, and even sometimes cancel plans that they suggested themselves!

Another person I considered a friend, hasn't really bothered with me since our boys left primary school a few years ago and started Secondary. We often used to do school runs together, meet at each others houses while the boys played, and she was often asking me to have her son after school if she was working late, take him to school if she had an early start etc. All of this I did!

Since the boys started Secondary I hardly hear from her though! 🤔 If she's picking her son up from the same place mine is at, she'll bring mine home too (which is good of her, I do the same). She never texts to suggest we go for coffee together/pop round after work etc though. I was doing this, only a few times a year and she seemed quite happy to meet up, but never suggests it herself. I've left it for the last year or so, and guess what, I've heard nothing from her (other than the odd Like or comment on Facebook), so I guess she's not bothered. ☹ She makes time for her 'main' friendship group though.

Dh thinks she saw me as 'convenient' through the Primary School years, and now the boys can get themselves to & from school she doesn't "need' me. I thought our friendship was based on more than just that, but sadly I think he's right.

It's hard to be on the receiving end of all this, maybe I need to lower my expectations of people!

It's hard to be on the receiving end of all this, maybe I need to lower my expectations of people!

I don't agree with lowering expectations but I do think it helps to accept that not all friendships are meant to last forever.

It's a shame about your school mum friend. I guess it's similar to romance when one person likes the other more! It does seem as if she cultivated you so she'd have someone to ask favours of. I find that sort of thing very cold and calculating. It gives me the heebie jeebies that people can behave that way TBH.

I do also think that there's been a real move towards people celebrating and legitimizing behaviour that would once have been seen as selfish/flakey on the grounds that it's 'self care'/'having good boundaries'. I've seen a lot of social media posts about how great and brave it is to just not put yourself through a social event that you're not looking forward to, and how you don't owe anyone else anything etc (I think a lot of the online introvert discourse tends towards this). Which I think is a misinterpretation of what it means to have good boundaries and respect for your own needs, but I do think it's made this poor behaviour feel more acceptable.

I've seen lots of those posts, too, Hardback. Interestingly, the people who tend to post them seem to be the extrovert types, which surprises me.

I think more extroverted people tend to see socialising as a multitude of choices - they'll just cancel if a better offer comes up, or if they don't feel like something it's 'Never mind, I'm going to such-and-such tomorrow anyway', giving no thought to the fact they've cancelled on someone who's put thought and effort into hosting them/was already on the way to Costa to meet them/rushed from work etc. They really need to stop and think how they're making the other person feel, rather than just dashing off a quick message and forgetting about it!

HardbackWriter I agree. All those meems "it's ok to cancel if you"re tired" etc. Eh? Just organise your life in the run up to your pre-made plans so you're not tired and don't have to let your friends down. It's called "not being a selfish dickhead". While people don't owe others their time, people do owe others something: they owe them honesty. If you don't want to do something or don't want to prioritize spending time with someone, then don't agree to do it in the first place! If you're extremely busy right now and it's making you potentially flakey then here's an idea: don't make advance plans knowing there's a chance you'll have to cancel for work or whatever. People should be able to take you at your word.

Every time someone cancels on a friend they are destroying that person's trust in them. There was someone on another thread saying they couldn't always be bothered replying to texts and their friends had learned to do the same to them, seemingly not realising that this most probably means their friends have mentally downgraded this person to someone who isn't a priority, I don't understand why anyone would be pleased to have generated that behaviour in their friends.

WisteriaBloom I hope you manage to find better people to be friends with who are more reliable. We might be a minority but we are out there!

I stopped paying for friends a long time ago. I now start the conversation with, I'll find out how much it costs, and if you pay me I'll get the tickets. No money, no ticket.

@WildPoinsettia I entirely agree with you. Flakiness erodes trust and confidence.

You'd have to be masochistic to persevere with some friendships in the face of constantly being let down and messed about. It's taken me longer than I'd like to realise that!

Thank you, Wildpoinsettia. I hope so too, I know there are decent friends (like yourself) out there! 💕 It's one thing being cancelled on if it's just drinks after work and a few can't make it, so it gets postponed, that's understandable. But being cancelled on when you're all ready to host that evening, or have bought a theatre ticket (for someone who'd confirmed they'd join you) makes you feel so rejected! ☹
(I managed to get a refund for the theatre ticket btw, that my 'friend' said she'd pay me for on the night).

And I agree with your points on eroding trust. I certainly wouldn't have the confidence now to organise say, a birthday celebration with 3 or 4 friends, as I just couldn't trust them all to turn up and the let-down is humiliating! Well, I do have one friend who NEVER cancels and often contacts me. She's steadfastly reliable and I'm grateful for that, but I don't like to just rely on one person.

Flipflop, yes you're right about paying for tickets (I won't fall for the 'I'll pay you on the night' thing again)!

It's a shame, socialising should be a pleasure, not stressful.