Friends keep cancelling on me - It's causing me a lot of anxiety! 🤔

[Wisteriabloom]

I'll give some examples - These things have all happened within the last year/18 months, and I know the effect of Lockdown & Covid isn't a factor, as the people I'm referring to are all sociable and active by nature ....

• On my birthday weekend last year I booked tickets for a show, (local theatre) for me & 2 friends. This was AFTER checking a few months before, that they wanted to see it and were free that evening. They both replied straightaway they'd love to come, so I booked. Fast forward to the day - abiut 3 pm one of them texted she wasn't feeling well and hoped I could get someone to go in her place. (She also added I may have seen on Facebook she'd been out to lunch with another friend that day, but symptoms started when she got home)🤔 I had seen Facebook and didn't believe her for a second, she obv couldn't be bothered to come out again. Myself & the other friend went (couldn't find anyone that short notice to take her place). We still enjoyed it but I felt a bit let-down.

• I'm in a group of neighbours (3 of us) who take turns hosting get-togethers every few months. It was my turn, so we settled on a date to come to mine. They confirmed they were up for it, so the day before I bought pizza & prosecco, and did some prep, table, tidying etc next morning. They were dye around 7 pm, mid afternoon one texted to say she had too much to do (people staying that weekend and now couldn't make it) when I texted the other one saying I hoped to still see her, she mentioned being tired from work, headache and could we do it another time. ☹ I admit I cried, looking at my pizzas, wine & freshly made desserts, all for no reason.

- Another friend (we normally meet for coffee, then she suggested doing an evening) was meant to be coming with me to an open-air cinema, she seemed so keen! I then woke up to an early text from her (day after I booked tickets) to say she now can't make it, double booked herself, hopes someone can take her place. 🤔 My dd came with me, so it wasn't wasted, but still ....

Ok, I'm not lonely, dh & I do plenty together and we're part of a large group of friends who meet up regularly, and the ones I've mentioned who cancelled, one has invited me to her 40th birthday next month and another has asked me along to see live music next weekend with a few others. I'll go to both, but feel I can only accept other's invites, if I organise anything myself they just bail on me! Would anyone else be feeling a lack of confidence after these experiences? My dh's regular mantra is 'Have you been cancelled on AGAIN?' 😲which makes me feel it even more acutely!

Normal friends don’t act like this, no

I’d stop buying stuff for them though - if you suggest to do something then tell them the cost of the ticket, get them to transfer then book.

That's rubbish. I feel for you. I would stop making arrangements with the unreliable ones for them to come to you or something that you have arranged, and just accept their invitations instead.

I don't understand why the neighbour who had guests agreed to come to yours in the first place, and the tired and headachey one just sounds flakey. If I was tired and headachey I would have just taken some paracetamol and had a nap. I don't flake out on friends without a very good reason.

Sadly I think you don’t have good friends. Sounds like they bail out when something better comes up. Time to stop making the effort with them and look for nicer friends.

I had a friend who did this and when I eventually stopped arranging things I never saw or heard from
her again. We had been very close friends for 6 years - holidays together with our families and most weekends spent socialising together. I did consider her a best friend so it hurt and it has been hard to get over.

The warning signs were there though.

She would often tell me about plans she had to meet other friends for dinner and then I'd get a last minute invitation to come over and when I'd asked what happened to her plans she would answer that she had "binned them off" as she couldn't be bothered to go out. I just eventually became the person she wanted to bin off. She did seem to have a string of ex friends that she had fallen out with which I used to think was strange. We never had a falling out so I've no idea to this day what caused her to cut me off.

People do seem to be rally flakey these days though - when we have a night out arranged I'm almost anticipating the WhatsApp cancellations. Once one person cancels it starts an avalanche!

Thank you all - Yes, I've come to realise they're not the friends I thought they were! It's that 'slap in the face' feeling' when I think, 'But they seemed so keen to do it', or 'SHE texted ME to meet for coffee today - then cancelled with half an hours notice when I was already on my way! (This happened 2 weeks ago by one of the 'repeat' cancellers - who apologised profusely, promised to be in touch following week to rearrange, but didn't. 😌 Oh well .... Maybe I'm not 'extrovert' enough to make a priority, I'm a fairly quiet person but sociable and (I think) - a good friend.

I've recently joined a walking group, and have struck up a few really nice friendships from that, they're also like me and make it a priority to be there when they say they will! I'll focus on those for now, & myself & dh's friendship circle. I feel like the 'background' friend, pleasant to have around but people don't think twice about my feelings being hurt. Just 'quickly xancel on WhatsApp' and on to the next thing. 🤔

This happens to me all the time too ☹️ Usually takes about 3 goes to actually meet up wirh my friends as they always have a last minute excuse.

I’ve backed off from one of time as I would see on Instagram that she was out with other people and she did then make an effort for a bit but gone back to cancelling again!

It’s honestly never personal. I had a friend like this a few years ago, she would always cancel last minute. One time I’d got dressed up and was just about to leave my house when the text came to cancel. I started to take it personally until I went for a hairdressers appointment and my hairdresser was complaining about a woman with the same name as my friend always cancelling appointments last minute. I asked if it happened to be my friend and she said it was! So turns out I wasn’t the only one she cancelled on. Some people are just flaky.

Gosh people can be so flaky. I actually don't have a single friend now because of stuff like this. People letting me down, asking me to lend money, wanting to borrow my car, coming up with flaky, pathetic, unbelievable stories about why they can't come over etc.

Rather be alone. Well I have my 2 DC and I'd love a decent friend to chat to and put the world to rights but sadly I don't think that'll happen now.

I see that some if you have experienced similar. 😚 I wonder if part of it is that it's so easy to cancel these days, now everyone has a mobile.

A quick 'Sorry I can't make it' text or WhatsApp, with no real thought for who's on the receiving end, and it's done. Years ago you'd have to actually SPEAK to the person, and hear the disappointment and frustration in their voice.

I completely understand if it's illness etc, but flakey 'can't be bothered' behaviour really grates on me. It's so hurtful when you've set time aside to see someone, or worse still, got ready to host or bought tickets for the evening! If I accept an invite, it's on the calendar and I prioritise it, I'm only just learning that a lot of people treat it as an 'option', so rude!!

I hear you. I can't be doing with this and am a lot quicker to detach from people that do this than I used to be.

I hosted a get together in summer - sent invites 6 weeks in advance as I know people get busy. One friend (who had form) bailed the day before, shopping all bought and preparation done. She had allegedly double booked, which we later found out was so clearly bollocks I haven't invited her over since.

I never bail unless I'm genuinely ill and if that's the case, I make sure I apologise, give as much notice as I'm able and initiate the next arrangement as soon as I'm able. It's just basic consideration.

I have a strict three strikes and they’re out policy. I also text people the day before to make sure they’re still up for whatever the activity is. That way they have the opportunity to flake out and it doesn’t really bother me as I’ve had a days notice.

I think you're definitely right in relation to it being so much easier to cancel by text now. Covid seems to have really hampered people's expectations around socialising now - it's like things have been restricted for so long people have got used to not going out and something which before would have been a chilled night in at a friends seems like a major social event (at least in my experience).

The only other thing I noticed was that some of your events all involved doing things just you and one other person. I know some people find doing things one on one a bit intense, particularly if you're usually part of a friendship group of 3 or more, so wondered perhaps if the neighbour who cancelled thought it would be awkward once the other person had said they couldn't come? Not that any of those are explanations of course!

I hate it when people do this. I had someone who I considered my best friend for 4-5 years. She had form for last minute cancelling usually due to being exhausted from work. Since covid I have seen her about 5 times (we used to work together so see each other 3 days a week AND most weekends!) it had got to the point where not only was she cancelling often but also not even responding to my suggestions of things to do. So I stopped suggesting. And now haven’t seen her since July. 🙁 it makes me so sad as we used to be so close.

It really does suck OP 🙁🙁🙁

I think the combination of everyone having mobiles, and Covid, have completely changed a lot of people’s standards of what is socially acceptable. Cancelling is the norm rather than rude, and being annoyed about it is a sign that the annoyed party is uptight and inflexible, not that the canceller has done anything wrong (I don’t think this, it’s just what I’ve observed).

I think you have a point about it being too easy to cancel via text.
I have a serial-canceller, only she also whinges about how we never meet up anymore. So, I now agree to plans, but generally ignore them, sure enough, few hours before I’ll get a message about how busy she is/how tired she is etc and the count down begins. Even dc now know if I’m going out with X I’m really not going anywhere. It’s tedious though

My serial canceller once phoned while we were at the restaurant we'd arranged to meet in. At the time we'd arranged to meet. She also cancelled on zoom meet ups last minute and she didn't have to even go out for those.

I do get that people have social anxiety and all sorts but it's bloody miserable to be on the receiving end of this too. It's also irritating when they've made the arrangements in the first place and invariably changed things along the way, resulting in a time-draining text thread of countless messages which didn't even lead to a meet up.

Oh I’ve had this today - “yes I’d love to come over” then “sorry I forgot I’m meeting someone else so I can’t make it” then “well I might be back in time so maybe I can make it, I’ll let you know” then…..nothing.

As PP said, if you take issue with it then you’re the one who looks bad and uptight; it reminds me of school - pretend to be cool with all sorts of shit. Difference is I’m in my 40s and I really cannot be fucked with it.

So many of your messages resonate with me! DorothyBinns - That's so inconsiderate of your friend, so she basically kept you waiting around all day for nothing. 🤔
I also had this recently, was meant to be meeting a friend for a walk & coffee, only to receive a text an hour before - 'It's started raining, shall we go another day?' I replied it would probably stop by the time we met, but if you'd rather re-arrange we can. She said she'd text me at the weekend. A short time later she texted again, 'It's stopped raining, happy to risk it if you are'! I said fine, will knock for you at 2, as agreed.. Then JUST as I was leaving my house, 10 mins before agreed time, another text from her .... 'Hi, so sorry but I've been unexpectedly called into work due to problems with a client, we'll do it next week instead'!
I was fuming - ok, only a walk & coffee but I'd got changed, texted dd asking her to walk the dog and was looking forward to a catch-up. I don't believe she got called into work at that short notice, she just couldn't be bothered, I'm sure. And this was a few weeks ago, predictably, she never did contact me to rearrange. 🤔
To the poster who said maybe it's the 1 - 1 thing people are more likely to cancel, that may be true. Dh hardly ever has people cancel on him, but then his nights out/or daytime bike rides always involve a group of 4, 6 or more, then if 1 cancels there will still be others. Thinking about it, a lot of these are more acquaintances than 'close' friends of his, but maybe groups work a lot better!

Some people love the implication that they are so busy they just can't fit you in, or that's what I have come to think anyway. It's like they love the illusion that they are so in demand that they can just drop any plans whenever they want to, I listen to more and more women drone on in this way and it really repels me. Now I just can't be arsed. I knew someone who was always late and seemed to think that I should understand that her 'life admin' would always make her late for any plans she made and I should just accept that and be grateful for her turning up to me at all. Turns out, I wasn't.

I genuinely think people have got a lot more flakey. Especially post lockdowns.

I’ve always been a sociable person, up for most events and I thought I’d be one of the first back out there when restrictions were lifted. But after two years of basically not going out it’s so hard to get back into the groove or the habit of it. It’s hard to describe how it feels. It’s almost as if I’ve put so many things off so many times now, that’s the norm: to plan something, be enthusiastic about it - and then it’s cancelled. I was meant to go out with some really good friends on Friday, haven’t seen them for a year. As the meet-up time approached they cancelled one by one (have to go to a school thing that finishes late, it’s really cold and miserable outside etc) and what i mostly felt was “oh well, never mind, I’ll see them some day tbh. It’s weird and unsettling.

People seem to only care about themselves now. So they want to do a thing, they'll find someone (anyone!) to do it with. They don't want to do a thing, they cancel with no thought to those they're cancelling on.

There doesn't appear to be any thoughts about wanting to stay in touch with a particular person because they enjoy their company, so zero efforts made to maintain friendships. I've noticed a lot of people tend to be friends with whoever is convenient/whoever naturally surrounds them, losing touch with anyone who isn't part of their daily circle.

I can't be bothered these days, one flake out and I never contact them again. I respond if they contact me and might make plans if they instigate it, but I don't consider it concrete plans, just an option and will cancel if I don't feel like it or something better comes up. It's only what they'd do to me!

Otherwise you spend all your time waiting for flaky ones to get back to you with confirmation or wondering if they'll turn up/bail last minute, or turning down plans with others , only for the plans you already had to be cancelled. While your headspace is taken up with those people you're not focused on the better ones who aren't flaky, accidentally giving all your energy to the wrong people.

@Wisteriabloom sounds like you're the instigator.
I was the same always organising,and people cancelling left right and centre.
I didn't bother and neither have they.

I think if you didn't ask them out,I don't think they would ask you.
It's shit how "friends" are so selfish.

These people are either selfish or completely disorganised, I am not sure which.

I have a friend who bailed on 4 or 5 meetups in a row. I don't contact her any more. She still messages me to say "let's meet up, havent seen you for ages" and I just say "yes, sure" but don't arrange anything and amazingly enough neither does she.

This really resonates with me. I have two friends I considered to be best friends. One is always too busy, sometimes I don't see her for months on end but she has time for other friends. The other is worse she agrees to meet up then cancels last minute, once to the theatre 30min before and it was only us two going! I've started to take a step back but we have been friends 35 years! It's been the last 5 or so years this has happened.

It's so hurtful, isn't it! 🤔
Autie - Your friend cancelling on you at the theatre with just half an hours notice is awful behaviour! Did you go on your own in the end?

Workwoes - Yes, I've had this too, SO crushing! I'm in a WhatsApp group, wjoch was full of messages all through Lockdown - 'Can't wait to meet up, missing you all' etc, then we agreed an evening to meet up once Lockdown ended, and they cancelled. ☹ Too much to do, not feeling well, let's arrange another date! We hadn't all seen each other for nearly a year. I didn't join in with the next round of 'When are you free, missing you my lovely' etc. It's just so fake an 'easy' way for someone to think they're maintaining the friendship without putting any effort in.

I've pulled back now on initiating plans, I hate that hurt, let-down feeling when you've made an effort, only to find the other person doesn't consider you a priority at all!