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Original poster

Does being a Mum get easier?

33 replies

BritishDesiGirl · 28/01/2022 18:04

Good Evening

I had my baby almost a year ago and I thought that I was finally becoming a mum after some difficulty in the beginning. Except, I now wish that I had died in childbirth as I can't deal with the constant '' take, take, take'' that I need to give to the baby. It is relentless right now as she is teething and not allowing me even 5 mins to do anything other than stay with her almost at all times.

I'm disgusted with myself that I am not normal like other women, who are more natural than me at motherhood. I am a teacher and expected to take to it naturally, not like this.

I daydream about running away or getting injured just so that I can get a break from my baby. What sort of a mother am I ? that I want to run away from my own child.

Today my mum told me that I had let myself go and that I need to lose weight, she is right because some days when I am stressed I end up eating bad foods rather than actual meals. Another thing to feel disgusted about.

My husband is supportive and always helps out when he is at home, but I feel so alone.

I'm sorry, this sounds like a ramble. I just wanted to rant and maybe get some advice and guidance

Thankyou for reading.

OP posts:

Adatwistscientist · 28/01/2022 18:08

I don't know if it's normal but lots of mums go through this, I know I did. I don't find the stage before 18 months at all enjoyable, it's going through the motions and then I find it gets far better, they become little people.

Have you spoke to your GP? Can you get some childcare to give you some space?

StruggleStreet · 28/01/2022 18:12

I started enjoying motherhood a lot more when I went back to work after a year and had a break from DD. I found the time that I did spend with her was much more enjoyable because I didn’t have the same intensity of constantly being with her.
I’m on mat leave with DC2 now and can’t say I’m really enjoying it all that much. It’s all just so relentless.

JJHN22 · 28/01/2022 18:15

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Please don’t beat yourself up – this will exacerbate the situation and make you feel worse. Go easy on yourself.

It does get easier but the tough times & phases can feel exceptionally tough when, like you say, you don’t feel like you have 5 mins.

Have you spoken to your health visitor or GP about how you’re feeling? Or could you open up to your Mum about it?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

RobynNora · 28/01/2022 18:15

Poor you. I have no idea as mine are still little but the baby years can be really, really hard and no reflection on you. Most people would agree and if they can’t relate it’s because they’ve had a chilled, low needs baby or had their babies 10 plus years ago and have forgotten the reality! Don’t be so hard on yourself. We were designed to have babies in communities with other people to help really. But nowadays it’s often a solo job and a hard one at that. Your mum sounds unhelpful. Ignore her. Can you afford help at all? A doula or cleaner perhaps? Playgroups help you feel less alone too. Do you have friends with babies to talk to?

Christmas1988 · 28/01/2022 18:20

Yes it does get a lot easier, as soon as they reach three and can tell you what they want and tell you what the matter is, they are able to go off on the playground alone whilst you watch from the bench. At three they can watch a bit of telly so you can have a cup of hot tea, they can do fun activities like painting and not get mess everywhere.

It’s a slog the first two years, though I must say my second child was a breeze, it really depends on the child.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 28/01/2022 18:20

First of all - you are a totally normal woman! My kids first two years (and they are in their 30s now) was the hardest of my entire life!

You need to find some way to carve some time out for yourself. This will pass, and it will get easier. Having a small demanding person totally dependent on you is exhausting.

Is there anyway you can get out and away on your own for a few hours each week?

MintJulia · 28/01/2022 18:23

You're doing fine. You've got through the first year despite covid. That's no small thing. .

Yes, it gets easier. When the weather gets warmer, you'll be able to take little one out, generally socialise more, meet up with other mums. Things will feel much better.

And with respect, your mum's comments weren't helpful, they were unfair and a bit mean. Is she going to babysit while you nip out and have your hair cut and highlighted? Or send you shopping with her credit card? If not, perhaps she could keep her opions to herself.

MintJulia · 28/01/2022 18:23

...opinions..

AliceW89 · 28/01/2022 18:24

Have you gone back to work yet? I found circa 1 (10-15 months ish) the absolute hardest. DC was a furious little ball of frustration and separation anxiety. It got much better after they turned 18 months, they chilled out a fair amount. But really the major turning point for me was going back to work. I hadn’t realised the massive toll being at home for 12 months had had on my mental health. Despite being busier I’m also finding it easier to calve out more time for myself. Snippets for exercise and the like. I think it’s because I’m not solely focussed on my DC anymore and find the bigger picture a bit easier. I hope things start getting easier for you soon

Classicblunder · 28/01/2022 18:24

I daydream about running away or getting injured just so that I can get a break from my baby.

This bit made me think you have post natal depression - I think it's worth discussing with your GP.

I love being a mother but I am much much better at it because I work as well and get a proper break 4 days a week from the children

ladygaga14 · 28/01/2022 18:26

It sounds as tho you may have PND. Definitely have a chat with your GP. I hope your feeling better soon. I suspect your mum was trying to be helpful however comments like that don't help with your are clinically depressed. Look after yourself x

Bendyrabbit · 28/01/2022 18:30

Take care of yourself, it sounds like you are having a really hard time. Maybe a chat with the GP might be in order if you are thinking dying in childbirth may have been a better option then the situation you are in. You’re doing a great job if you are caring for your baby feeling like this. Also, please don’t beat yourself up about weight and food at this time. It’s really tough x

inmyslippers · 28/01/2022 18:31

I think 2/3 is just absolute mine numbing graft. 4/5 they're just pure joy to be around

Thegirlwiththeeagereyes · 28/01/2022 18:36

It is so hard, and it does get easier when they can communicate more easily and start to be able to do a few things independently. You're not alone in feeling that it difficult and relentless. I'm a teacher too and I couldn't understand how I could quieten an entire assembly hall of children but not my own baby. You just can't imagine how tough it's going to be until you have your own little one. But you saying that you'd wish you'd died in childbirth or that you could run away sounds like there is more to it than just getting used to this new way of life. Please tell your husband or a friend how you're feeling, then speak to a GP or health visitor, they can give you the help you need.

leavingthispoohole · 28/01/2022 18:36

I had PND. Didnt enjoy first 18 months and didnt love DD till this point either. Shes now 2, gives kisses and cuddles snuggles in bed with me in the morning, its so lovely! - mind you i am one and done as i never want to go through what i went through with her first 18months, i wanted my life to be over and thought quite regulaly if she died it would be ok.
But we got there, its hard but mostly worth it

Devo1818 · 28/01/2022 18:37

Yes it does.

leavingthispoohole · 28/01/2022 18:37

Also i went back to work full time after 2 year, was the best thing i could have done. She is in nursery full time and loves it. I get adult time and make money! I look forward to picking her up

Mindymomo · 28/01/2022 18:58

I went back to work to work my redundancy notice for 2 months when my baby was October. It really helped me, I did miss him, but not the constant wingeing and crying. I carried on working just covering illness and holidays until I found a permanent job doing 2 days a week. By then my son was so much easier and could communicate what he wanted. I had my second son who was so much easier.

Mol1628 · 28/01/2022 19:04

Yes it gets easier. I was exactly the same as you! It was a really difficult thing for me to adapt to. But you do get used to it! I felt better after about 18 months. And truly started to enjoy my children when they turned about 3 and a half.

It’s normal for it to be difficult.

Have you ever read the unmumsy mum blog? Might not be your style but I found it really helped me as I realised everything I experienced was normal and ok.

Original poster

BritishDesiGirl · 28/01/2022 19:07

Thankyou to everyone who has replied.

I do have PND and I am currently on Citalopram 20mg, but I don't believe the dosage is working for me anymore. I am seeing the doctor on Monday.

I won't be going back to work for a while as this is the first break I've had since going in to teaching. I am looking at doing something in the evenings just for me, when the baby is asleep, I do miss the stimulation and social interaction I had in my job.

My mum is straight talking, I know that she was trying to help in her own way, she doesn't really get the depression thing, she comes from a different generatio where you just had to ''suck it up'' I can talk to her but find it highly embarrassing.

I do speak to my husband and tell him how l feel, I am very blessed to have a supportive partner.

Thankyou again.

OP posts:

Original poster

BritishDesiGirl · 28/01/2022 19:09

@Christmas1988

It’s a slog the first two years, though I must say my second child was a breeze, it really depends on the child.

I have just started attending baby classes

OP posts:

80sMum · 28/01/2022 19:10

Oh, you poor thing, you sound very overwhelmed and exhausted. Sometimes everything can seem too much to bear and you just can't see an end to it. It will get better and you will feel better, but right now it sounds like you could do with a bit of help and respite.

Does your baby go to a nursery at all? If not, consider popping her into nursery for a couple of days a week.

Finding out that you're not the sort of mother you had hoped to be can also be very demoralising and depressing. Try not to let it get you down. You are an OK mum and that's OK. We can't all be "super mum". I definitely wasn't! I struggled through it, to be honest.
Don't be hard on yourself. You're doing OK. Get some respite if you can: either nursery or a babysitter or your mum or anyone else who's available to give you a bit of a break. Then try to get out of the house, go and meet a friend, or browse the shops or whatever you like to do.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 28/01/2022 19:12

I think we've all had the dream of going to hospital for a nice rest!! You seriously need some time away. Can your husband take her out for the day or can you go out?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 28/01/2022 19:19

I felt like this with dc2. When I stopped bfing I moved in with MIL for a week and left her with her Dad because I just couldnt deal with it. It wasnt until Christmas holidays when she was just 5 that I began to see her for the lovely little girl she is.

TulipsGarden · 28/01/2022 19:19

You need proper time off - not an hour here or there, a good chunk of time. When I was on the later half of maternity leave my partner would have our baby for 5-6 hours every few weekends (probably once a month) - I would go out shopping, see friends, go somewhere I enjoy like an art exhibition or go for a cycle. That time on my own, being 'me' again, was vital to my mental health and made me a much better mum.

I would also highly recommend going back to work as it gives you brain space.

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