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Original poster

Am I overreacting to be upset about this?

30 replies

Janus · 27/01/2022 16:22

I think I need some perspective as I seem to be upset but know I am a sensitive person!
I have a very close group of 3 of us, known eachother for years, we always do things together but all of us have our own friends too, we see eachother about once a week or once a fortnight.
Last week one of this group asked to use my carpet washer. Of course I said, then as we have building work going on I said I’d drive it to her, about a 30-35 minute round trip. Then on the day I said I’ll be around in about an hour. She said oh I’m having a cuppa with the third person of our group in a cafe 2 mins from me so I’m not home so just leave it on the doorstep.
So I said ok and then after I thought, so they didn’t invite me so either didn’t want me there or didn’t think about me, neither made me feel great! And then she expected me to go out of my way to drop it to her house rather than 2 mins down the road.
I am hopeless at expressing my feelings and they are very good friends so I feel what’s the point in rocking the boat anyway.
But it’s bothering me, would it bother you?

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 27/01/2022 16:30

Yes, it would bother me because it’s out of order.
She’s free to meet up, but it strikes me as off that she told you who she was with if she wasn’t prepared to invite you. Treating you like a delivery person is even odder.

I do think you need to mention it though . I know it’s hard to talk about conflict but if you keep the statements to “I” and what you felt it really helps.
So anyone might get defensive if you start with “ You we’re mean when…” but it’s fine to say to a good friend “ It really hurt that you didn’t think to invite me to the cafe as you were already there and we were messaging/ talking “

Original poster
Janus · 27/01/2022 16:36

If I did this I would be a chicken and do it by text, is that ok do you think? We message on a group chat loads but I’d do it in a private message although I did think even the other friend should have said well seeing as we’re here why don’t we ask her to come here as she would have read the message too as it was all on the group chat.
Part of me just knows neither of them were bothered I guess and that makes me feel sad and a little bit like why don’t I just distance myself but then I think all over a carpet washer 😂😂

OP posts:
PhoboPhobia · 27/01/2022 16:37

Can I just clarify - you were going to drive half an hour to her house but she was 2 minutes away from yours? It's a bit mean what she did but why didn't you just ask her to come and collect if she was so close?

TigerLilyTail · 27/01/2022 16:40

How bizarre!

So, she was happy for you to drive all the way to her house to drop it off when she was in your neighborhood having coffee?

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 27/01/2022 16:40

Is it possible that they wanted to talk about something privately and that's why they'd met up so it wouldn't have been appropriate to invite you?

I can understand why you would be upset, especially as you were going out of your way to do her a favour but they may have been discussing something like a medical or marital issue they weren't wanting to broaden the group on.

BumBurnerBum · 27/01/2022 16:40

@PhoboPhobia

Can I just clarify - you were going to drive half an hour to her house but she was 2 minutes away from yours? It's a bit mean what she did but why didn't you just ask her to come and collect if she was so close?
Yes, I thought this too!
Allsorts1 · 27/01/2022 16:41

Wait I’m confused - she was having coffee nearby so just said can you leave it on YOUR doorstep for her to collect? Or did she ask you to drive it to her house?

If it’s the first one, I think it’s ok that she was having a 1:1 coffee with your other friend - that’s allowed! It might have been nice for her to invite you but okay for her to not have done so.

However, if you were asked to drive all that way and drop it off, while she was nearby having coffee and she didn’t tell you to drop by to the cafe and have a coffee too, then yes that’s out of order by her and incredibly rude.

starfishmummy · 27/01/2022 16:41

I'd have replied saying that as she was nearby I'd leave it on my doorstep for her to pick up.

Ohyesiam · 27/01/2022 16:41

My therapist told me only yesterday that if you are doing something difficult, make it easy for yourself. So yes, text.
And can I gently point out that you are making an assumption that they didn’t want you there. You don’t really know the circumstances, but you could find out by asking.
I only say this because I felt excluded from a friendship meeting once, but it turned out it was more of a practical meet up where one of our group knew lots about engaging social services with her elderly mum, and the other needed to pick her brains.

QuestionsorComments · 27/01/2022 16:43

Yes it would bother me, but if she'd told me she was meeting a mutual friend near my house, I'd have invited myself "excellent, I'll join you and bring the machine with me, that saves me a trip".

EnjoyingTheSilence · 27/01/2022 16:43

On top of driving 30 mins to hers, you were supposed to leave it on the doorstep? What if it had been pinched? Did you do it?

Original poster
Janus · 27/01/2022 16:45

Yes I was driving it there as we are having major works done so there’s often absolutely no way in to the drive, I have to get people to move vans etc to leave the house, and we live on a busy main road so there’s nowhere else to park. It’s a round trip, so 15 mins each way.
Quite possibly they wanted a private chat but (I think!!) we share absolutely everything so it’s very odd. I don’t think it’s the chat so much, if they’d said ‘I wanted to discuss something with x’ I’d have been ok. Neither said why they met up though.
I’m probably way overthinking it, I honestly think I am but I can’t seem to ‘let it go’! That’s because I’m an over thinker though!

OP posts:
WhitePhantom · 27/01/2022 16:49

I don't think you're overthinking it at all. It strikes me as a very odd and unkind thing to do, and I'd have to find out why (a) they were meeting up 2 mins down the road from you and never thought to mention it to you, and (b) why she thought it was ok to send you 15 mins to her house to leave it on her doorstep (wtf?!) rather than her calling to you for it / asking you to drop it to where they were having coffee.

I wouldn't ask in an angry way, as there may be a genuine reason (though I can't think what) but I would definitely ask. And yes, I'd do it by text.

SisterAgatha · 27/01/2022 16:50

I have a similar set up and it never bothers me.

In fact I use this as an example with the kids when they say “so and so has a new best friend.” They are both my best friends. But they are also each other’s best friends. And that’s fine, we don’t love each other any less. Sometimes I am closer to one, sometimes the other, sometimes they are closer. I don’t mind but I understand you might and I don’t want to negate that.

You feel how you feel and can’t help that, so you should mention it if you want to.

Harrriet · 27/01/2022 16:55

Did you take the machine to her house, because I'm almost certain I wouldn't have.

Original poster
Janus · 27/01/2022 17:00

Ah bugger, I’ve just read my original message to her and I did say I was going out as doing something else. Amazing how your brain forgets important information. So in hindsight she probably thought I was busy.
Still doesn’t really explain why neither invited me originally but doesn’t make me feel quite so bad.

OP posts:
Socialcarenope · 27/01/2022 17:00

I'm in a similar friendship group to you. We see each other as pairs from time to time and noone feels left out or upset!

HideousKinky · 27/01/2022 17:02

If she was 2 minutes away, why didn't you say she could come and collect it after finishing coffee?

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 27/01/2022 17:02

Meeting with another friend without you 2 minutes from your house is fine.

Expecting you to drive the machine to her house not so much. More so when she did not ask you to swing by the cafe to drop it off and have a quick brew.

Original poster
Janus · 27/01/2022 17:03

Yes I took it. I think they both realised a bit later how it looked as they both engaged me on the group chat about random stuff which needed my reply.
I am my own worst enemy to be honest, I know I dissect things too much.

OP posts:
ToastandJamandTea · 27/01/2022 17:04

Maybe they bumped into each other. You were thirty minutes away so they probably didn't think to extend the invitation.
I hate all this all for one or none at all stuff! The dynamic of a 1:1 chat is very different to the group and that's what prime need sometimes.

TedMullins · 27/01/2022 17:04

Yes, it was thoughtless of her but if I were you I'd have said great, I'll come and join you both, where are you? I think you should say you found it hurtful and see what her explanation is. Text is fine.

ToastandJamandTea · 27/01/2022 17:05

Sorry OP I misread. They were close to your house.
Maybe it was just a private thing though. Try not to take it personally.

1forAll74 · 27/01/2022 17:07

It's a bit of an odd situation, but this wouldn't bother me at all. Some people are apt to do annoying things at times, so I would overlook stuff like this.

TigerLilyTail · 27/01/2022 17:09

Ok, it seems like it wasn't possible for her to pick it up from your house and you were going out anyway.

it also seems like you told them you were busy today and you don't know when the meet-up was planned.

I think you are being over-sensitive about this. I would let it go. It sounds like they are usually good friends.

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