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Original poster

WWYD in this situation? DD in trouble at school for the first time.

64 replies

Tryingtogetthisright · 27/01/2022 13:24

DD is almost 11 and in year 6 at school. She got her first phone in September so she could walk safely home alone. The phone has been largely untouched until the past 2-3 weeks when she asked to contact her friends on WhatsApp. I naively thought this would be fine likening it to the many hours I spent chatting to my friends on the landline at her age! Obviously I was wrong and I have been way too trusting which I accept.

She was told off on Tuesday with another two girls for targeting a boy in their class during a WhatsApp group chat. The school didn’t inform me and still haven’t, DD told me that evening. We had a lengthy chat, I told her off and she’s lost privileges for the next week. She’s also no longer allowed to use WhatsApp and won’t until she’s mature enough to use it responsibly so not for the foreseeable. Coupled with the telling off at school, I personally thought this was sufficient.

It sounds like they were all playing a game during this chat which totally got out of hand. The boy involved (will call him A) decided to play a game called ‘A is - ‘ and the girls were invited to fill in the blanks so they all started saying things such as A is annoying, A is fat etc. Obviously not pleasant but the boy seemed to goad them into continuing by asking them to continue and also joined in at one stage calling himself a swear word. Just sounds like a stupid game that got out of hand. This is DD’s version of events anyway. I know the boy involved is not innocent because he was pushing DD around in the playground a few months ago and I had to inform the teacher. He recorded the chat anyway and showed his Mum who then contacted the school.

This is where I, personally, would have left it. I’d contact the school and let them deal with the perpetrators accordingly which they did. DD has been reprimanded both at school and home which I believe is sufficient and it’s ok to now draw a line in the sand and move on. His Mother clearly doesn’t agree and has been blowing DD’s phone up which I just think is completely inappropriate. We didn’t realise it was her initially because she used her son’s phone. She called about 5 times in a row on Tuesday night until we switched the phone off because DD was in bed and we were just sitting there with the phone buzzing incessantly. DD then told me an unknown number had been calling her yesterday on the way home from school and had left voicemails each time where they didn’t say anything. Obviously a bit weird so I just blocked the number. Anyway, this morning his Mum messaged DD saying ‘it’s A’s mum, I’ve been trying to call you. Can you let your parents know I want to speak to them please.’

I’m just unsure what she wants to speak to me about really. I don’t know who she is and don’t know who the boy is so totally uncomfortable with her blowing my 10 year old’s phone up like this! I’ve messaged the teacher to explain that DD has been reprimanded appropriately and I don’t really think it’s acceptable of his Mum to keep calling DD like this. DD has chosen a totally different group of friends this year for some reason and I don’t know who any of them are but I do know she’s never been in trouble before at school so I’m extremely disappointed it’s happening now.

Just wondering whether I should contact his Mum this evening as well or just leave the school to act as a mediator?

OP posts:
ringoutthebells · 27/01/2022 14:18

I would absolutely not speak directly to a parent who was bombarding my daughter with texts and calls and leaving blank messages. She doesn't sound sensible so it will likely end in tears. I'd send a brief text if you must to say can she please go via the school, who have dealt with this. I would seriously consider whether 10 year olds should have a smart phone too. Personally, I'd take it away and try again at secondary.

CurlsLDN · 27/01/2022 14:22

From your op I'm not certain it is the mum calling at all?
If I'm reading correctly your daughter has received a number of missed calls and voicemails with no message from am unknown number, and a written message from that number claiming to be the mum - don't all kids say "I'll get my mum involved" to scare eachother?
I would phone it and see who answers, it would be a very odd way for a grown adult to act, but could be one of the kids doing it.

I would also speak to school and hear their version of events, whilst it's great your daughter confessed to you, that's exactly what I would have done at that age in order to get in first with my version and play to my parents sympathies before they hear from anyone else.

Right now all you know is your daughter got in trouble at school regarding a group conversation she played a part in, but you have not heard an unbiased report of it.
And that someone is repeatedly calling and leaving blank voicemails, but you don't know who.

I'd be wanting to get to the bottom of both elements In order to understand how to protect, support or punish my daughter, depending what's actually happened.

Original poster
Tryingtogetthisright · 27/01/2022 14:22

She only has the phone so she can contact me on the way home from school if she ever needs to and I can also see where she is on find my iPhone, it just feels like a safer option. WhatsApp is no longer allowed and she’s never had access to any social media.

Maybe I’ll send her a message later then saying the school has dealt with it and I’ve also reprimanded DD so she knows she was in the wrong. I’ve never experienced anything quite like this before and if my DC have ever had any issue I’ve just contacted the school and let them deal with it. It’s weird she’s so hellbent on contacting me really, it isn’t as if the school hasn’t told them off.

OP posts:
tootiredtospeak · 27/01/2022 14:25

I would argue she has already approached and intimidated at 10yr old by calling numerous time s and sending a message. It's up to you that's just how I would deal with it.

Original poster
Tryingtogetthisright · 27/01/2022 14:26

You’re absolutely correct @CurlsLDN. As far as we were concerned, A was contacting her because it was his phone although it was 9pm so seemed a little late on a school night at their age. Until the message this morning we had no indication it was his Mum and it could well be him sending the message, I have no idea. Not sure about the unknown number and blank voicemails, suppose it could be anyone but seems a bit odd to then get a message the following day claiming to be A’s Mum.

OP posts:
ringoutthebells · 27/01/2022 14:26

I would still seriously consider a simple texting/calling phone just for contact with you, if you must. Children don't need to be tracked. They aren't mature enough to deal with this sort of thing. The behaviours sounds like typical playground behaviour but because it's been recorded it changes things. Lots of lessons to discuss with her there.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 27/01/2022 15:01

I would not engage with this woman , go through the school. I say this as a parent and as a teacher.

BoredZelda · 27/01/2022 15:29

I told her she has to be incredibly careful about anything she ever sends in a message or says over the phone because as she’s now discovered it can totally bite you in the arse.

Don't call people fat on the phone or message because you might get caught? How about, don't call people fat. Don't bully people. Don't get drawn in to saying mean things about people. Ever.

"They made me do it" is the excuse every kid will use.

Original poster
Tryingtogetthisright · 27/01/2022 15:35

@BoredZelda

I told her she has to be incredibly careful about anything she ever sends in a message or says over the phone because as she’s now discovered it can totally bite you in the arse.

Don't call people fat on the phone or message because you might get caught? How about, don't call people fat. Don't bully people. Don't get drawn in to saying mean things about people. Ever.

"They made me do it" is the excuse every kid will use.

Yes, this too of course. I think I meant it in the broader respect of gaining a bad reputation from things you said a long time ago online and how it can be difficult to remove those things once they’re on the web iykwim. I wasn’t trying to tell her not to get caught. She knows what she said was totally unacceptable and won’t do it again.
OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtogetthisright · 27/01/2022 15:37

She has sent her number to DD’s phone asking her to pass it onto me and it is the number that was blowing her phone up yesterday leaving blank voicemails. Very strange behaviour from an adult imo. Still no response from the teacher, I’m going to wait for that before I even consider contacting the Mother but I’m not sure I’ll do that because her behaviour is quite odd and I really don’t want to get involved in any sort of argument. DD has blocked both numbers and WhatsApp is deleted.

OP posts:
2YearsOfWastedTime · 27/01/2022 15:42

@Tryingtogetthisright

‘’Oh and I think he was goading them because DD said he kept saying ‘do continue’ and ‘keep going’ so they’d say more and more things. If you were upset and felt targeted, I don’t think this is a usual reaction’’

This is not joining in…
This is bullying and you honestly cant think that the boy enjoyed it …
You are making excuses for you child !

itsgettingweird · 27/01/2022 15:44

I wouldn't go through the mum.

I deal with things like this a lot in my job.

You'd be surprised how many parents go in all hot footed about how their children are being bullied by phone. Ask us to investigate.
And when we discover the truth (and often their children are as culpable and sometimes even the guilty party) accuse us of also bullying their children.

Whilst they are then contacting those children themselves making threats about leaving their children alone.

These things are never simple. I NEVER condone unkindness in any form. But I also don't condone someone doing the same back and excusing it - especially when that is an adult doing it to a child.

The most complex one I've dealt with was a child who started a group to encourage others to bully another child via another group she set up. The child retaliated. Called her out on this group. Called her a bully. (She was!). Even faced with all the evidence she couldn't accept her dd was as guilty if not more. I'm not sure if their was some element of trying to save face?

You sound like a great parent. You've accepted dd has done wrong. You've taken action and accepted the school has. You've done your job as a parent teaching dd what is and isn't acceptable?

2YearsOfWastedTime · 27/01/2022 15:44

So OP you are saying basically dont do it on social media / text,
Somewhere that can be tracked

DONT DO IT AT ALL!!!
AWFUL BEHAVIOUR

Minniem2020 · 27/01/2022 15:48

I'd be happy to speak to the woman about it but I wouldn't be happy about her ringing Dd's phone and I'd be telling her that.

Why2why · 27/01/2022 15:48

Sounds like she trying to contact you not your daughter. The only number she has is the phone your daughter uses.

Bullying is terrible and there is never any acceptable reason for it.

Zwellers · 27/01/2022 15:50

15:442YearsOfWastedTime are you the boys mother. You seem determined to scapegoat a year 6 who the op has been clear has confessed and is being punished. I am sure as a child you were perfect.

Why2why · 27/01/2022 15:55

@Zwellers, this is not about being perfect, it’s about bullying. Do you suppose in our teenage imperfections we were all bullies?

Original poster
Tryingtogetthisright · 27/01/2022 15:56

No, @2YearsOfWastedTime, not at all. I think you have misunderstood my overall point. Of course she shouldn’t say this at all, ever which she understands. I was making a point that everyone has to be careful how they portray themselves online because it can (and often does) bite you in the arse years down the line. It was a general discussion about how once you send something online/over the phone, it can be incredibly difficult to have that removed and can damage your reputation for a long time. I was thinking of people who have said foolish things on social media when they were silly teenagers and then it comes back to haunt them decades later. Did also explain she shouldn’t insult or bully anyone. We had a very long chat but this was a small segment of it which you seem to have misconstrued as me saying she’s allowed to bully someone provided no one finds out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtogetthisright · 27/01/2022 16:05

@Why2why

Sounds like she trying to contact you not your daughter. The only number she has is the phone your daughter uses.

Bullying is terrible and there is never any acceptable reason for it.

I can understand this but perhaps the correct way would be to send a message asking DD to tell me to contact her on x number rather than calling her 25 times in a row leaving blank voicemails each time? I just checked how many times she tried calling yesterday and it was 25. 5 the night before from her son’s phone at 9pm and it was only 5 because we switched the phone off. I think she’s taken quite an odd and extreme approach.

Her son was pushing my DD around a few months ago so I told the teacher and she dealt with it, I didn’t try calling her DS 25 times because that would be weird.

OP posts:
Gardengates · 27/01/2022 16:08

I would definitely speak to the school and speak to your DD about what to do in case this mother approaches her at school pick-up.

I had a parent accost my son when he was only 7 at school and make threats if he didn't leave his daughter alone.

He said his daughter had told him about him apparently doing things to her which to me constituted a sexual assault. Son returned home distraught and we were horrified.

Turns out, the father had the wrong boy.

BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ · 27/01/2022 16:10

I would ring her personally. Be nice and just say the school are handling it but be cordial and don’t get into a fight.

ThePlantsitter · 27/01/2022 16:15

These are two separate issues.

Your DD's bad behaviour - dealt with, or in the process of being dealt with.

The Mum contacting your 11yr old directly and at 9pm - completely inappropriate and needs to be told so through school or the police if she doesn't stop. It may be that she was trying to contact you via the only number she had, but it was still inappropriate because she was threatening a child in effect - and she's really stupid to have put herself in that position tbh.

MadeForThis · 27/01/2022 16:18

I would get the full story from the school and report to them that she has made over 30 attempts to contact your dd directly in just 2 days.

Let the school deal with it.

I wouldn't engage with someone who tried to call a 10 year old that many times.

gsaoej · 27/01/2022 16:20

I would get your dd a new sim and therefore new number regardless of whatever else happens. Someone making 25 phone calls one after another has got a problem, even if she is angry about this.

Onthefloor2 · 27/01/2022 16:24

Her sons been bullied, she wants confirmation you are aware and your daughter knows, you know I guess. I’d speak to her, apologise and say the school are handling it but you can appreciate she must be upset about this.

Whilst i would also be mad at your daughter, I would acknowledge to her that whilst she has been completely mean, you are pleased that she came to you with this on her own free will even though she knew she would be in trouble and that doing that is always the right thing to do. With a 16 year old communication is key and they need to feel like they can tell you anything so I would give back one privilege to show how important it is.