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Original poster

Do you believe 'what's for you, won't go by you?'

36 replies

eatandcry · 26/01/2022 22:16

I read something on another site earlier and it's really stuck with me. Someone said that if you believe what will happen, will happen, then just live your day to day life in the way that will make you happiest.

I don't know. It's really stuck with me. I'm 33, single, childless, and so tired of OLD, but it's the only way I've ever arranged a date. I don't have much time to try and have a family, so it feels risky to give up, but also... well, it hasn't ever worked until now.

OP posts:
Classica · 26/01/2022 22:18

No, it's all a bit John Calvin and his gloomy predestination. At risk of sounding like a cheesy gameshow host, you need to be in it to win it.

GiantSpider · 26/01/2022 22:19

So you mean everything that happens is fate/destiny and not under our control? No, personally I don't believe that. But no harm in taking a break from OLD if you're sick of it.

NuffSaidSam · 26/01/2022 22:20

No. It's just a nonsense phrase.

But if you're fed up with OLD by all means have a break. Or try something else instead, maybe take up a new hobby or volunteer for something in your local community.

AfterSchoolWorry · 26/01/2022 22:20

No, I don't believe that at all. It's a lazy platitude.

SlB09 · 26/01/2022 22:22

I do personally believe that what will be will be to an extent. I still believe you require drive and energy but not to sweat the small stuff, everything works out in the end however it seems in the current

Original poster
eatandcry · 26/01/2022 22:22

I do feel obliged to 'put myself out there' but oh god, I have done the clubs and hobbies and volunteering as well as the dating and I'm still bloody single!

OP posts:
Classica · 26/01/2022 22:24

Take a break from it. Have some fun doing things you enjoy for six months and then dip your toe back in.

DebiNewberry1997 · 26/01/2022 22:26

I think it's true in the sense that there's always another opportunity. When something doesn't work out the way you thought or you are not in the right place to make a change then there will be something else around the bend. I never read it or hear it as a way of not motivating yourself I think it's more that you shouldn't castigate yourself for not getting a job or whatever.

Your life will have other things. Sometimes the thing in front of you is not the thing you need.

zebrachick · 26/01/2022 22:27

Hey OP
I was on Tinder & other sites for years! Single mum so hard to meet men outside of OLD - met so many nobheads.
Was about to give up last summer as had another ridiculously awful date, and ended up messaging someone on Hinge.
We met. He's amazing. We have been having the best time ever since.
33 isn't old. I'm 44 & it's taken this long to meet him, but I honestly think he's the best guy I've ever met.
The right one will come along at the right time.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 26/01/2022 22:27

No, it's bollocks. Just like "karma will get them in the end".

Just take a break.

CPL593H · 26/01/2022 22:31

@Classica

No, it's all a bit John Calvin and his gloomy predestination. At risk of sounding like a cheesy gameshow host, you need to be in it to win it.
Yes, 'The Cheery Thoughts of John Calvin' would indeed be a slender volume! Grin

OP, I hope that this is a positive story for you. I was widowed in my 40s, we'd been together since university. I was worn out and ill afterwards and met someone socially who became a friend a few months later. On our first meeting I was coughing my lungs up with suspected TB (it wasn't) and the very last thing on my mind was romance. We were friends for a year and then... 10th wedding anniversary next year.

Life is strange and unexpected, sometimes wonderful things happen when least anticipated. Travel with hope.

Original poster
eatandcry · 26/01/2022 22:32

That's great, zebrachick. I'm so glad it worked out for you.

OP posts:
LizzieMacQueen · 26/01/2022 22:32

I've heard it said about houses. You know, as a way of saying a more suitable place will come along when you miss out on something.

Not sure it applies to relationships as much.

PrettyBluebells · 26/01/2022 22:33

I don't believe in fate, I'm the master of my own destiny. Obviously other people's actions play a part but I don't believe things are meant to be.

Original poster
eatandcry · 26/01/2022 22:34

Well, I am hoping very much not to have suspected TB but thank you for the encouragement Grin

I've just been waiting for so long for someone. It gets to you.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/01/2022 22:35

No, it’s bollocks. People use it regarding ttc and it’s extra bollocks for that.

Sorry you’re having a tough time Flowers

Liervik · 26/01/2022 22:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

JennyForeigner · 26/01/2022 22:52

Not to be peak nerd about it but the Calvinist predestination thing was a bit of a swizz anyway. Although only some were elect, it was believed that good works were a natural elect thing, so although you didn't technically have to do them, it was still reasonable to judge those that didn't.

So a Calvinist theory of online dating would be something like 'what's for you won't go by you, but also it is kind of expected that you'll be on Hinge.'

On another topic, I always thought Calvin would be a good name for a cat.

(Met my husband volunteering at 38 after years of rubbish dating.)

DukeofEarlGrey · 26/01/2022 23:01

Kind of. Not in a fatalistic sense but in the sense that if something is right for you it will work out. You’ll get the job that you can be great at... but you have to apply. You’ll meet a fab partner... but you have to be open to it. Etc.

FrankieBoyleSezLoveOneAnother · 26/01/2022 23:02

I only met DH because someone let me down over a room I was supposed to be renting in a shared house. They found someone else and I had to find another room on my own. If that hadn't happened I'd probably never have met him, we'd have just lived a mile apart and never been any the wiser. We've been together for 27 years.

I tend to think this shows the randomness of life, rather than 'what's for ye won't go by ye', but you could read it either way!

DukeofEarlGrey · 26/01/2022 23:02

Oh, am definitely I agree you should take a break and just enjoy life for a bit. The world will still be full of people and you will still be meeting them Smile

merrymelodies · 26/01/2022 23:08

I do believe in it to a certain extent but more than that, you've got to be socially active. Not bars or pubs but by breaking out of your "comfort zone" - trying a new activity, learning new things, feeling good about yourself. Self-confidence is attractive.Smile

RoyKentsChestHair · 26/01/2022 23:11

I used to think it was fate that I met my DP on OLD - what if I’d clicked on someone else, or he hadn’t had his wallet nicked while we were on our first date and had to get a cab home with me?!

However we’ve recently split up and I’m devastated. If that was my “meant to be” relationship why am I now alone? Why was he so cruel in the end? He always used to say he was so lucky because “someone was looking out for him” (his mum and GPs in heaven). And it would make me sad because my parents are also dead but nobody seems to be looking out for me Sad.

I can’t believe that there’s a preordained plan for me as I’ve had so much sadness in my life that the plan is a shitty one.

I do think that there are many people and many paths open to us, and that if it doesn’t work out with one person, another one will be along - and at that point you can be glad you’re single and able to take advantage of the opportunity. But you only have to look at the number of people who date for years and years and never meet “the one” to know that it’s not always around the next corner.

I do think that if you’re feeling the pressure to meet someone to have kids with, it’s a good idea to research the option of going it alone. That’s a decision that can’t wait. So whether that involves freezing eggs/embryos for a later date, or going with a donor father sooner rather than later, you can make your own fate.

DarleneSnell · 26/01/2022 23:14

Yes I really do. I think things have a way of working out. I think you have to be open and make an effort, but don't knacker yourself.

My sister once felt like you (and same age), and is totally settled and happy now. It sounds so obvious but you're only single until you meet someone - so much can change literally overnight.

ChoiceMummy · 27/01/2022 07:39

@eatandcry

Well, I am hoping very much not to have suspected TB but thank you for the encouragement Grin

I've just been waiting for so long for someone. It gets to you.

I personally disagree with putting your life on hold in this manner. At your age, I was doing the same. I then decided that I'd travel to where I wanted to, rather than wait for this mythical perfect person to experience what I wanted etc. I also wanted to be a mother. So I made that happen too. Again on my own. It's not for everyone. But I don't see any reason for also missing out on motherhood, just because I haven't found a life partner worthy of being called father. Or indeed worthy of a relationship full stop! So I don't think what's meant for you passes you by, but sometimes you have to make sure that what passes by you is what you want it to be!