Do you believe 'what's for you, won't go by you?'

[eatandcry]

I read something on another site earlier and it's really stuck with me. Someone said that if you believe what will happen, will happen, then just live your day to day life in the way that will make you happiest.

I don't know. It's really stuck with me. I'm 33, single, childless, and so tired of OLD, but it's the only way I've ever arranged a date. I don't have much time to try and have a family, so it feels risky to give up, but also... well, it hasn't ever worked until now.

No. You can easily fuck it up if the other person has a healthy attachment style. But does it matter? In the end, being single is better than thinking oh not dumped yet!

No. Just a made-up pop-psychology sort of phrase.
People who believe it seem to retrospectively convince themselves that it's true - if something didn't happen, then it mustn't have been right for them, therefore it's a good thing that it didn't happen. - which makes no sense to me. They'd have convinced themselves of the opposite if it did happen. And it doesn't mean that it was the wrong goal or that things would have been bad if it had happened - there's no evidence for that either. I think it just makes them feel better about things, which is worthwhile in itself, if it helps them - if they can face things more positively now as a result, great. But it doesn't make it actually true.

Salted that's what I think too, it's a protection against "grass is greener" thinking or ruminating over past decisions which can't be changed. It's not actually true but helps keep a more positive mindset.

@SaltedCaramelHC

No. Just a made-up pop-psychology sort of phrase. People who believe it seem to retrospectively convince themselves that it's true - if something didn't happen, then it mustn't have been right for them, therefore it's a good thing that it didn't happen. - which makes no sense to me. They'd have convinced themselves of the opposite if it did happen. And it doesn't mean that it was the wrong goal or that things would have been bad if it had happened - there's no evidence for that either. I think it just makes them feel better about things, which is worthwhile in itself, if it helps them - if they can face things more positively now as a result, great. But it doesn't make it actually true.

I think that it's a Scottish saying and tbh, I've only ever heard Scots say that. Though there are similar ones in the Islamic faith.

OLD is mightily shit, so lower your expectations. Get out and about more. I was in Hyde Park last week. I sat on a bench and read my book. A lovely guy stopped to ask what it was about. I told him and asked if he’d like to sit next to me. What followed was the most wonderful conversation. He took my number and we will meet next week. I don’t think anything will come of it but I met a lovely person in real life. It sounds a bit silly, bu my I do think the frame of mind you are in somehow reflects through you. That same day, a few people smiled and said hello, and I had another lovely convo with someone on the tube. There are days where I feel invisible too. The experience with bench guy has made me realize the importance of getting out more and not being afraid to strike up a conversation. My deepest connections have arisen from encounters like those, and never on OLD.

Yes. It's not lazy or fatalistic crap, it's simply a way to feel content, and not beat oneself up about what hasn't happened or worked out IMO, karma doesn't come into it.

It means your life is the one you are meant to get. There is nothing to be gained from looming at others and feeling bad that you don't have what they have - not everything in life is within our control.

It works in practical terms too. OP I am sure you are more likely to meet someone and have a successful relationship if you're not trying too hard. Enjoy yourself, enjoy having experiences and what's for you won't go by you.

looking (there's definitely nothing to be gained by looming at others)

It can be a useful sort of philosophy if you are fretting about, say, whether you'll be successful in your job application or have your offer accepted on your dream house - in other words, things where you've done all you can and the outcome now lies in the hands of others.

It's no use if you take it to mean you can drift passively through life and leave what happens to you entirely in the lap of the gods.

No, I believe that there is randomness and chaos in events and sometimes we have control over them and sometimes we don't.

You are more likely to meet someone if you are putting yourself out there in some way than not.

That doesn't mean it has to be through online dating. There are many ways to meet people and pursuing a hobby or interest might be a more fun way to do it, because you can also focus on self development and making friends rather than having an intense focus on meeting a life partner.

You might find you're more relaxed and more likely to find mutual attraction with someone that way anyway.

No, it's bollocks. Just like "karma will get them in the end"..

Agree. Platitudes.

I don't think it means "don't try, things will come to you". I think it's advice against striving and panicking to hang on to inappropriate things when your gut, or the world, tells you it's not going to work out.

Hence - the cheating partner who doesn't want to come back, do I chase him to recommit? No. Let him go. The promotion that seems like a stressful bit of hard work and makes you feel wrong and anxious rather than challenged and excited? Let it go. The friend who's flaky about meeting? Let it ride, just see her another time.

Nothing to say don't date or work hard or reach out in life. You have be there for the things to either go by you or stop at you!

@JennyForeigner I believe the cat was Hobbs :)