How to help siblings friendship last?

[PrincesseRoyale]

Growing up I was not close to my sibling. As adults we spend years without seeing each other. We talk on the phone a couple of times a year.

My 5 year old and 3 year old are very close. DH and I encourage the bond that they have. We never compare or show favourites. We encourage them to share and respect boundaries. They each have special teddies that they do not share. They also have separate interests and activities. They are not together all the time.

I would really like them to maintain that bond growing up. I can’t help thinking that some day DH and I will die. It would be wonderful for them to still have each other.

Can anyone offer any advice?

[PrincesseRoyale]

Thank you so much for all the thoughtful comments. I know that I can’t control it but I want to put all the chances on our side.

Growing up, my sibling and I were constantly compared against each other. I had to do certain things because sibling did this or not do others because it it did work out for sibling when they tried it. It was awful!

I really want things to be better for my DCs.

[pompomseverywhere]

@HopefulRose

This is a really thoughtful post! The fact you're considering this is a good sign for your children.

I grew up with a sister close in age to me and we were pitted against each other at every turn. Even today, family members can't help themselves by comparing us both and making the other feel bad. We've had to work hard to overcome this and we now have a good relationship though I'm sad it's tainted by these external influences.

If you take anything from the above, please continue what you're doing and be wary of anyone ready to point out comparisons between them.

Sounds awful. How were you pitted against each other? Are you twins?

[RussianSpy101]

@Santahasjoinedww strange you should use that example as my parents did this with me and my sister. We also each got a small gift on the others birthday. Me and my sister are best friends, speak every single day and loved our childhood.

@PrincesseRoyale I can’t really put my finger on why my sister and I are so close but we’ve been best friends for as long as I can remember. We were always respected and never forced to play together but always chose to.

[Poetrypatty]

Treat them as individuals, that's important and no comparing.

If they fall out, sit them both down and say they can have a period of time when each speaks and the other listens (say 2 minutes) and time it. Then summarise back what each has said, and say you're going to leave them for a few minutes to see if they can work out how to resolve it. That worked to calm things in our house anyway. Also something you/they like doing together helps.

As pp have said, once they're adults you can do no more. They may or may not get on and it depends on partners etc.

[MargaretThursday]

As people have highlighted here it isn't necessarily anything you can do, other than the obvious no favourites etc. What one person thinks made them close, someone else says pushed them apart.

There's at least two things on the first page that people have said thought made them/their dc closer and my parents did and I'd say did the opposite.

Juts remember that they're different people, with separate personalities and interests. Let them come to you and say that the other one is irritating etc. If you don't let them have a moan sometimes (and all siblings are irritating sometimes) then they'll moan to their friends who will tell them that they're totally right and their sibling is wrong.

And sometimes they will fall out. Don't act like it's the worst thing that's ever happened to you. It's not their duty never to argue in order for you. Also remember that falling out and making up will help them with other relationships too.

I've know children as thick as thieves as children who hated each other's guts in adulthood. And the other way round.

[HopefulRose]

@pompomseverywhere it really was! There is a real 'divide and conquer' mentality within parts of my family which is really kind of sad and toxic. We're not twins but very close in age (18 months apart) so would be constantly compared in terms of appearance, jobs, outlook, lifestyle.

It still happens. Some family members won't change their ways but I can change my reactions to their behaviour - or at least I can try exhales deeply and adopts yoga pose

[pompomseverywhere]

[quote HopefulRose]@pompomseverywhere it really was! There is a real 'divide and conquer' mentality within parts of my family which is really kind of sad and toxic. We're not twins but very close in age (18 months apart) so would be constantly compared in terms of appearance, jobs, outlook, lifestyle.

It still happens. Some family members won't change their ways but I can change my reactions to their behaviour - or at least I can try exhales deeply and adopts yoga pose [/quote]
I feel like everyone compares people and siblings. This has made me nervous of my own behaviours.