How to help siblings friendship last?

[PrincesseRoyale]

Growing up I was not close to my sibling. As adults we spend years without seeing each other. We talk on the phone a couple of times a year.

My 5 year old and 3 year old are very close. DH and I encourage the bond that they have. We never compare or show favourites. We encourage them to share and respect boundaries. They each have special teddies that they do not share. They also have separate interests and activities. They are not together all the time.

I would really like them to maintain that bond growing up. I can’t help thinking that some day DH and I will die. It would be wonderful for them to still have each other.

Can anyone offer any advice?

[pompomseverywhere]

[quote HopefulRose]@pompomseverywhere it really was! There is a real 'divide and conquer' mentality within parts of my family which is really kind of sad and toxic. We're not twins but very close in age (18 months apart) so would be constantly compared in terms of appearance, jobs, outlook, lifestyle.

It still happens. Some family members won't change their ways but I can change my reactions to their behaviour - or at least I can try exhales deeply and adopts yoga pose [/quote]
I feel like everyone compares people and siblings. This has made me nervous of my own behaviours.

[HopefulRose]

@pompomseverywhere it really was! There is a real 'divide and conquer' mentality within parts of my family which is really kind of sad and toxic. We're not twins but very close in age (18 months apart) so would be constantly compared in terms of appearance, jobs, outlook, lifestyle.

It still happens. Some family members won't change their ways but I can change my reactions to their behaviour - or at least I can try exhales deeply and adopts yoga pose

[MargaretThursday]

As people have highlighted here it isn't necessarily anything you can do, other than the obvious no favourites etc. What one person thinks made them close, someone else says pushed them apart.

There's at least two things on the first page that people have said thought made them/their dc closer and my parents did and I'd say did the opposite.

Juts remember that they're different people, with separate personalities and interests. Let them come to you and say that the other one is irritating etc. If you don't let them have a moan sometimes (and all siblings are irritating sometimes) then they'll moan to their friends who will tell them that they're totally right and their sibling is wrong.

And sometimes they will fall out. Don't act like it's the worst thing that's ever happened to you. It's not their duty never to argue in order for you. Also remember that falling out and making up will help them with other relationships too.

I've know children as thick as thieves as children who hated each other's guts in adulthood. And the other way round.

[Poetrypatty]

Treat them as individuals, that's important and no comparing.

If they fall out, sit them both down and say they can have a period of time when each speaks and the other listens (say 2 minutes) and time it. Then summarise back what each has said, and say you're going to leave them for a few minutes to see if they can work out how to resolve it. That worked to calm things in our house anyway. Also something you/they like doing together helps.

As pp have said, once they're adults you can do no more. They may or may not get on and it depends on partners etc.

[RussianSpy101]

@Santahasjoinedww strange you should use that example as my parents did this with me and my sister. We also each got a small gift on the others birthday. Me and my sister are best friends, speak every single day and loved our childhood.

@PrincesseRoyale I can’t really put my finger on why my sister and I are so close but we’ve been best friends for as long as I can remember. We were always respected and never forced to play together but always chose to.

[pompomseverywhere]

@HopefulRose

This is a really thoughtful post! The fact you're considering this is a good sign for your children.

I grew up with a sister close in age to me and we were pitted against each other at every turn. Even today, family members can't help themselves by comparing us both and making the other feel bad. We've had to work hard to overcome this and we now have a good relationship though I'm sad it's tainted by these external influences.

If you take anything from the above, please continue what you're doing and be wary of anyone ready to point out comparisons between them.

Sounds awful. How were you pitted against each other? Are you twins?

[PrincesseRoyale]

Thank you so much for all the thoughtful comments. I know that I can’t control it but I want to put all the chances on our side.

Growing up, my sibling and I were constantly compared against each other. I had to do certain things because sibling did this or not do others because it it did work out for sibling when they tried it. It was awful!

I really want things to be better for my DCs.

[CatrinVennastin]

I was close to my Dsis until she met her now DH. I think he’s a controlling prick. I think it does depend on who they end up with as a partner
as to how close they will stay in adulthood.

[Rainbowshine]

Do not force the younger to attend the same groups/hobbies as the older one. I had to endure years of not being as good as my sister at music groups, choirs etc and all I wanted was a group or something of my own where I wouldn’t be X’s younger sister that isn’t any good at music/singing so give her something that isn’t too tricky and she can stand at the back. As soon as I was old enough I would seek out my own activities which then was seen as a betrayal of all the investment in time and money in music. Even teachers were not challenged if comparing us, so I was always the not as clever/accomplished younger sister and it has been really hard to build my confidence in myself as a result.

[glitterelf]

No matter what you do it's out of your control how close their relationship will be or not. The important thing is to treat your children equally and raise them to be kind and considerate.

[RedWingBoots]

Unfortunately you can't push it.

With siblings close in age their teen and adult relationship can be anything from closeness to apathy to hatred. It depends on the personalities of both of them and while you can control the environment they grow up in e.g. not comparing them with each other, you can't control anything else.

[Hbh17]

Please don't push it. Some siblings just don't want to be close, & some people find the idea that 'family' has to be prioritised to be completely stifling. They will make their own friends as adults, which may or may not include siblings.

[Itonlytakesonetree]

My parents used to say as a pp did, that I was lucky to have my sibling and we had to look out for each other as we were family. I put up with that shit while I lived at home, but if your sibling is a knob, what can you do?

[ThreeRingCircus]

My DDs are also very young (4 and 2) but I try as much as possible to give them my individual attention at least some of the time. I also often say things like "she's your sister and that's a special thing to have, not everyone has a sister" or "we're a family and that means we're a team."

Ultimately though I'm not sure it's something you can control. Just respect them as individuals, don't compare and don't tolerate unkindness.

[MrsTophamHat]

I don't know if you can control it but I feel exactly the same as you. I worry more because I have a boy and a girl so I think it will depend even more on their future partners than if they'd been same sex.

My sister and I are close. We do lots just together; go to the gym, walks, takeaway nights etc. and also a fair bit with our husbands who get on well. I'm never sure how my son and daughter will spend time together in their adult years really.

[Toomuch2do]

It sounds like you’ve already got this nailed - but don’t favour one over the other.

[MrsTophamHat]

@crabette

I remember once telling my parents on my brother as a kid when he did something naughty. My dad gave my brother into trouble for whatever it was he did, and then immediately gave me into trouble for telling on him. "That's your brother, why are you telling on him?! You're meant to be on each other's team!" I always remembered that one.

We're now in our thirties and definitely still a team!

That's a good one!

[crabette]

I remember once telling my parents on my brother as a kid when he did something naughty. My dad gave my brother into trouble for whatever it was he did, and then immediately gave me into trouble for telling on him. "That's your brother, why are you telling on him?! You're meant to be on each other's team!" I always remembered that one.

We're now in our thirties and definitely still a team!

[TheGirlOnTheLanding]

If it's possible, give them their own space so they can escape one another if they're not getting on. My DC have a much happier relationship as teens than me and my DS because they can choose to spend time together and retreat to their rooms when they've had enough, rather than sharing a room. It remains to be seen if this means they'll stay close but they don't fight like we did.

[suzyscat]

I know a lot of siblings who aren't close as children but are BFFs as grown ups.
I also know siblings who were very tight but stopped being so close in their 30s and 40s.

My two are very close knit in lockdown/ isolation/ school holidays but tend to scrap and wind each other up in term time.
Normally I'm anti bribery but I have up and gave them a loyalty jar to fill with marbles. They only get one for not snitching, working as a team or playing nicely. When it's full they get a sharing toy. We all forget about it for long periods of time tbh, but it was great for getting them back into the rhythm of playing nicely, they start by doing it for stuff but then abysmally just have fun and forget. It's worked for us but they're still small.

[Clymene]

I'm afraid you absolutely cannot control it. Your children are still babies for a start - their relationship is superficial and based solely on the fact they live in the same house and aren't trying to kill one another. They may maintain it as they become teens but they may not. And they may stay friends as teens and fall out as adults.

The worst thing you can do though is make a big deal out of it.

[mrdarcyfan]

Your children can be really close when they are young.It's when they are adults and have partners that don't get along with other family members that the estrangements begin.Enjoy their childhoods.It goes by too quickly.

[whiteroseredrose]

I'd say not to force it.

My DC had a phase of not getting on (when DS was around 12-13 and DD was 9-10). We didn't force them together but nastiness wasn't tolerated.

When they were both at secondary school they started to get along and are now close (18 and 22).

I just hope that they end up liking each other's spouses. That was the end for my DF and his brother unfortunately.

[HopefulRose]

This is a really thoughtful post! The fact you're considering this is a good sign for your children.

I grew up with a sister close in age to me and we were pitted against each other at every turn. Even today, family members can't help themselves by comparing us both and making the other feel bad. We've had to work hard to overcome this and we now have a good relationship though I'm sad it's tainted by these external influences.

If you take anything from the above, please continue what you're doing and be wary of anyone ready to point out comparisons between them.