Help me to fill my day

[Upsetdaughter379]

I'm a stay at home mum in my 30s but my kids are in school now. Husband at work most days. So I'm on my own every day from 9 to 3. We have a dog.
I do have access to my husbands money but we don't have a lot of spare cash so I can't go spending willy nilly. Can only spend on essentials etc.
Through the summer I'm fine because I'm outside gardening, etc or meeting family for walks in the park etc.
But during the winter (and has been exasperated by the covid lockdowns) I'm at home mostly all the time and after a while it becomes very isolating and lonely.
My parents go out somewhere every day, for example to a different town /city, stroll around shopping have a coffee, look at the architecture etc. I would love to do this but I feel silly on my own.plus I can't spend unnecessarily either. I can't go with them because I have to be back to pick the kids up from school. If I do need to go to town for something Ive found I rush from the car to the shop(s) I need, then back to the car again. Back home within the hour. I feel very anxious when I'm out on my own.
We have a dog who I walk with my kids before school in the morning and after school in the afternoon. I would love to take him out during the day and go on lovely walks etc and it would give me something to do but I'm scared. Doesn't that sound rediculous? I'm scared that someone is going to attack me or try and steal my dog. There has been a lot of it around our area in recent months and it's scared me so much. So I find I'm just in the house every day! Apart from cleaning or watching TV I do nothing. Which has caused me to pile a lot of weight on. I also have a serious back /leg problem which affects how much exercise I can do.
How can I become braver and going out and about alone? Or where can I actually go that doesnt cost money?

All great suggestions, thank you!!
When the kids are off school we have a great time and go out to all kinds of places because they are with me, or we meet up with their friends etc. But during term time it's just me and its lonely! My friends and my kids friends parents all work during the day.
We have some local food banks that I could ask about volunteering, I hadn't thought of that before.

I apologise to the people who have gotten annoyed at my post as if I'm bragging for having so much time on my hands. That wasn't my intention. Being alone every day for years takes it toll

Work on tackling your anxiety - go to your GP, try CBT, or a see a private counsellor.

Why do you feel safer walking the dog with your children than alone? Would they fend off a dog snatcher or attacker? Could you do your usual after school walk earlier in the day alone, or a shorter version and build up to longer walks?

Get a job: what did you do pre kids? Could your parents help out after school and in the holidays? Working is about so much more than money - it gives you a focus, pension contributions, keeps your skills up and reduces your isolation. If you wait til the DCs are older you will find it much harder.

Concentrate on your health and fitness: use your time to meal plan, cook healthy meals, exercise etc. Small changes can really help and all add up over time.

I second the poster above who says volunteering has the nicest people. Believe me, people will be trying to make you feel at home and help you get over your anxiety at any volunteer job.

But other than that, I think every woman should work towards being in a cafe or a restaurant or a museum or a cinema hall alone. It is one of life's great joys. To not depend on anyone or anything.

@Upsetdaughter379 I don't think your post sounded like you were boasting. You sound like you are stuck in a rut.

I can really relate, you could be me with a couple of small differences. I feel the same about walking our dog, it seems as though there are constant thefts and attacks from aggressive dogs here at the moment.

No practical advice sorry, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in how you feel. I dont know the site well but welcome to pm if you fancy a chat and its possible, I'll be sat doing nothing as usual 🤣.

I can't really explain why I feel like I can't be out on my own. I am so self conscious of myself and just feel highly anxious like I'm going to trip and fall, or embarrass myself, or that people are looking at me because I'm fat, or that I'm going to get attacked or robbed. If someone was coming towards me, particularly a man I would feel scared and probably cross over. Or if there was a group of teenagers I wouldn't want to walk past them.
I also feel jealous that I don't have friends or relatives that I can go out with and spend time with. I don't have siblings etc. When I go to the supermarket everyone always seems to be in pair or a group. It makes me feel rubbish that I'm always on my own.
I used to be a very chatty bubby person but now I even feel like my social skills are reducing. I'll try to chat at the school gate but I often can't think of what to say and I feel uncomfortable. I never used to be like that

I don't have any relatives or siblings in this country and very few friends. I think you need therapy because you are leading a very restricted and terrified life for no reason.

You need regular commitments. Volunteering would be perfect. So would a tiny hours job.
You need something to force you out and to speak to people. In the nicest way, you need to regularity so that you attend and don't take the easy option of sitting at home.

Start small and try to build to one thing every day. A club, class, volunteer shop, library group etc. There's plenty out there if you look hard.

I write some suggestions (below) but having read your update I'd agree with PP who suggests that you use this time tackle your anxiety. Your GP is a good place to start, you can probably start with a scheduled telephone consultation which might suit you very well.

Do you have family private medical cover? They often have self referrals for anxiety amongst other things.

First response , maybe keep these ideas to do as part of your therapy.

How about group walks, do check that dogs are welcome

https://www.ramblers.org.uk

Or have a look at what is available in your area

https://www.meetup.com

Our village is quite small but the dog walkers do all seem to be very sociable. Always welcome people who admire there dogs and away you go.

When you find out where they usually meet, you could suggest dog walking together.

@Upsetdaughter379

Sorry I didn't put enough info in my post. I will be returning to work in a couple of years, but at the moment due to my husbands job (he has to work away 60% of the time) and he has different working hours each week, it's been difficult for me to find something that fits in with everything. We don't have any family who can help with childcare, and we can't afford to pay for it. We don't qualify for benefits. The kids will soon be old enough that they can get to and from school themselves so I will be working them. My post is regarding my spiralling anxiety from being isolated at home and the effect that its having on my that I feel like I can't really go out? I appreciate all the suggestions made so far, again I feel too nervous/anxious to volunteer etc. I have become very withdrawn. I have been slim for most of my life. I'm now 19 stone and it's having a huge impact on my mental health and confidence. I feel like if I carry on as I am, when the time comes for me to return to work ill be too scared to do so and I don't want that to happen

The obvious choice is a school hours job so something in a school or college, classroom assistant, lunch supervisor etc.

Don't start an mlm like Avon. Most people spend more than they earn.

Even if you had a paet time job that wasn't only in school hours you could use a childminder or after school club/ breakfast club. You would meet new people, have a purpose, stay busy and contribute to the family finances.

What kind of job would you want to do? It doesn't have to be much, just a few hours a week. Childminder or supermarket or anythingcreally- what are your qualifications?

Definitely get help for your anxiety whatever your future holds, though. Talking therapy and anti depressants are both effective in many cases.

If you went to work you might get more of a sense of self and achievement.

I was in a situation very similar to yours a few years ago, and (as a couple of other people have said) I'd gently suggest dedicating some time to getting help for your anxieties. I left mine far too long, and found that as time went by it got slowly worse and my world became smaller and smaller. The longer you leave it, the harder it is to deal with - and you will have to deal with it eventually. A GP will be able to refer you for some counselling (I had cognitive behavioural therapy).

On a day to day basis, have you thought about trying to learn a new skill like knitting? Concentrating on something like that can be surprisingly soothing, and you can spend time knowing you're still being productive in some way, which feels good.

Hi OP I do feel like this too, I understand what you mean. I think it can kind of build up over time..

I wonder if as you say you feel OK around the children maybe listening to children read 1:1 could be a thing perhaps.

Or maybe as a PP said joining a gym. I did this at the local sports centre, you don't have top talk to anyone but group activities can be enjoyable and good for your health / mood.

I find going in the morning is helpful then doing jobs in the house after a bit of a routine and the day passes quicker..

Just a handhold from me really as I do understand the feeling

Could you look for a job as a midday/lunchtime or catering assistant at a primary school? Takes up a central chunk of the day, little kids won't be looking at your weight, other staff too busy to judge, gives you an hour or so to do household stuff before/after your shift, but leaves you free to be around for your kids at each side of their school day. Whenever I look for term time only work there's loads of ads for these types of position and generally not requiring prior experience.

Don't believe the scare stories on social media about dog thieves. Most of it is just scare-mongering.

You say you'd like to go for a walk during the day - start small, walk round the local park with your dog in the middle of the day. Maybe that will give you a bit more confidence to take the next steps.

I've seen quite a few schools looking for exam invidulators this time if year. Only temporary and during school hours all training provided, maybe a place to start, getting your confidence back and anxiety under control.

The suggestion above for 121 reading support is great. Our primary is usually looking for people willing to help?

Our local food bank also needs volunteers. Gets you back into a routine of needing to be somewhere even if it doesn't help with lack of money. It's a small step that can help to grow your world a little.

Do something now, your world is what you make it to be.

I would love to set up some kind of dog walking befriending service. A dog walk bring great joy and I think people who may be a bit down / lonely might want a walk with a dog but not feel up doing something like Borrow my Doggie. Also walking side by side with dog distractions is a lot less intense a meeting over coffee.

You sound like a lovely women OP

Go see your GP, get a referral for CBT which will help you reframe your thoughts to manage the anxiety. They may also suggest medication short term. They can also suggest an NHS weight loss programme and perhaps give you a gym membership.

I think joining a gym, even if you have to pay will be a great way to get out - lots of people the same size as you, and it’s somewhere regular you can get used to going.

Also think 121 Reading support is a great idea.

I do think it’s important you start to tackle this now, or in a couple years time you could be in a considerably worse place.

Could you explain some of your worries to your parents and ask if they can help you regain your confidence a little? Obviously you don’t want to change their plans everyday, but say once a week could they pick you up on the way to their excursion, then leave you to explore the place on your own but knowing you could contact them if you felt too anxious? Take lunch to keep costs down. I appreciate they would need to leave earlier than they would usually but would they be able to accommodate that to help you?
Its not uncommon to feel this way, especially perhaps after an isolating pandemic. Not sure what your relationship with them is like but is it possible they would want to help if they knew how you are feeling?

Sorry I haven’t read all your posts. I hula hoop at home, built it up to half hour a day where I can. Hula to YouTube video’s music videos and has got some fitness back and in time I’ll go to the gym when I feel more confident.

Is there anything you do as a hobby which might expand into a business later. For instance, I sew, often been told I’d easily sell my makes I make for gifts.

The dog, I take a walking stick with me when I go alone and only go busy places.

My husband works away, goes away at short notice (I.e a couple of days) for weeks/months at a time. I have a flexible, part time job I do from home, it lets me work whatever hours I want and always be around. The rest of the time we go to playgroups and volunteer at a few different things to get out. The time flies by!

How about doing one thing a day on different days?
Things like
Walking group
Volunteer at school
Volunteer for a charity
Online course (free on coursera, futurelearn or open university)
Befriending

Fill your time at home too by reading, box sets, exercise from YouTube.

I swim, gym and walk (swim and gym cost me £40 a month). I do find it harder this time of year and I am looking for work, I’m a single parent with 2 disabled teens so I have no child care for school holidays, I’m currently looking for a school job but it seems impossible. I do get bored and lonely but keeping active helps a lot.

And don’t worry about doing things alone, I walk miles alone, I got for coffee alone, it doesn’t really bother me anymore.