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Original poster

Daughter (27) and Facebook

71 replies

thatothermother1965 · 26/01/2022 11:14

We're in our 50s and our daughter is 27, single and independant with a good job etc. Whave a good relationships with her siblings. Over the last few years one issue is coming up that I've just more or less ignored until recently. She has sometimes posts photos on social media that are really quite on the risque side. It's facebook usually and I'm always conscious when she does this that everyone is connected and I cringe a bit and wonder what on earth certain family members etc. think when they see these photos that are actually quite different to how she generally presents herself. She's does have a fantastic figure and we're proud of her in every possible way but with this she does push the boundaries compared to what I see from most of her friends etc. I've talked to my husband about it. He's less concerned about what anyone else thinks but feels uncomfortable when certain photos of her pop up. I'm not going to let it become a bigger issue than it is and I know it's part and parcel of the world we live in so I'll get shot down by some people on here but I'm not really bothered about that. I don't mind hearing I should just let it go because I already wonder if I'm being over-sensitive but if anyone has any actual advice on how to gently raise it or drop a subtle hint I'd appreciate that as well.

OP posts:

saraclara · 26/01/2022 15:42

I honestly don't believe that many of the posters here will really be so sanguine in the future when their then adult kids post stuff like this on their FB/whatever platform it is by then.

ike a pp, I'm guessing that most still have kids that are of school age or younger (and themselves may well be closer to this DD's age than the OP's), and no concept yet of what it's like to have adult kids.

Spilltheteaplease · 26/01/2022 15:44

@RamblinBoy

I'd be concerned by this too. She's a grown adult but you are still allowed to be worried about the choices made by your children! For me, this would be quite a poor choice to make. For others, maybe less so.

I would probably comment a few times with something cringey like 'you'll catch your death of cold! Dad and I can see your bum, so can any future employer. Love mam x' Might not be everyone's approach but it would do the job.

Definitely don't do this. 😄

Tomorrowisanewday · 26/01/2022 15:51

A friend of mine told me that when he is interviewing for staff, he'll check their social media. Partly to see how careful they are with on-line security, and partly to see that the life they post about ties in with what they put forward at interview. I know that one decision not to employ was based on photographs such as you describe.

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Families

1forAll74 · 26/01/2022 16:05

i don't suppose you can do much about it really... but just accept,that there are lots of women now, who seem to like exhibiting themselves on social media all the time. Maybe hoping to attract some photographers, for photo shoots and modelling etc !

Original poster

thatothermother1965 · 26/01/2022 16:07

@Pluvia

Fascinated by all the posters assuming that anyone older and raising an eyebrow in concern has never been seen in anything less modest than a high-necked, ankle-length, long-sleeved nightie. Such ageism here on MN.

You're allowed to be concerned, OP. I'm an employer and if I checked out an applicant's FB I'd think twice about employing a woman whose nipples I and her colleagues could see on line. That would seem like poor judgment on her behalf. The fact that I could see her FB alone would be cause for concern. I can't afford to employ an exhibitionist or a narcissist — not a good fit for my team. I know I'm not supposed to say or think these things but it's my money and reputation on the line if I choose the wrong person for the job.

As a former punk and a radical feminist and lesbian I feel sad that young women are so focussed on their looks for self-esteem. Not saying we shouldn't celebrate our bodies, whatever shape and size they come in. Just not in such an unimaginative, conformist, like-me way.

So for those reasons, if she was my lovely daughter I'd respond with a 'Seriously?' and have a conversation with her to make sure she's considered some of the ramifications of he actions. And I might give her a book feminism for her birthday.

Thanks - first point is so true. We were all young once and I certainly had my moments - I didn't look too shabby at 27 either - but I didn't take photos of myself in see-through lingerie and let me Dad see it. Social Media has changed things dramatically.

The job issue had never even crossed my mind. To be honest if you glanced at her social media you wouldn't immediately see much to get excited about. Most is day-to-day photos of her with her dog and not terribly scandalous snaps from girls nights out etc. I guess these are the ones that ocassionally cross the line into 'raunchy' territory. If ou went looking for it, you'd find it but she's actually done very well for herself so it doesn't seem to have caused her any problems so far. Glad you brought it up though.

OP posts:

Original poster

thatothermother1965 · 26/01/2022 16:09

@saraclara

I honestly don't believe that many of the posters here will really be so sanguine in the future when their then adult kids post stuff like this on their FB/whatever platform it is by then.

I have a feeling you'e absolutely right! We all loive and learn!

OP posts:

Bagelsandbrie · 26/01/2022 16:10

@saraclara

I honestly don't believe that many of the posters here will really be so sanguine in the future when their then adult kids post stuff like this on their FB/whatever platform it is by then.

My dd is 19 and lets me follow her on Instagram (she has 700 followers but her account isn’t public) which I consider a privilege really. She could have just blocked me. In exchange for that I know my place… I don’t comment on stuff, I “like” things and I don’t get opinionated about what she posts. Sometimes I screenshot her photos and send them to her Nanny and joke “another half naked selfie from xxxxx” and we laugh about it. Most of her going out stuff is more like a bikini top and a belt. And that’s what they’re all wearing at her age and not dissimilar to what I was wearing at 19ish. If social media was around then I’d be all over it…!

I think you have to trust them to be an adult and accept they’re a different generation and let them get on with it.

FKATondelayo · 26/01/2022 16:20

As others have said, the most surprising thing is that a 27 y/o uses FB. She probably is on insta and it auto posts to FB.

I've employed loads of people and never stalked them on socials. My FB settings are totally private, you can't search me by name or send me a friend request and I would think most people's were. If a job offer was withdrawn on the basis of photographs on social media you would need to make sure this was compliant with the Equality Act. Certainly when someone in my team had previously done nudes that were easily searchable, she wasn't the one in trouble - the ones googling them were and she got HR support.

Anyway, you're best to block or unfriend her. She is 27.

Original poster

thatothermother1965 · 26/01/2022 16:25

@Happierthanever91

I get where you're coming from as it's your Daughter and you're bound to be concerned. However, like you've said it is her own life and she is 27. Maybe just unfollow her profile and then you won't see the photos ect but you'll still be friends. Might make you feel better not seeing it

I could...but personally I don't really mind seeing her looking that way. The worst that happens is I'm ocassionally envious of her fantastic figure! It's the thought of (some) friends & family seeing it that doesn't sit well with me. I feel for her Dad as well. I didn''t make a big issue out of it when I brought it up. We're in the same place as parents but i think it must be especially uncomfortable for him as a man.

OP posts:

RamblinBoy · 26/01/2022 16:32

@Spilltheteaplease why not? It is just like 'nice outfit love'. Might spur the DD into realising that her family members and others can see what she's posting and she can have a think about whether or not she's happy with that. No lecturing or awkward conversations. I think that would have worked for me at that age (although I never posted anything like that).

Original poster

thatothermother1965 · 26/01/2022 16:32

@FKATondelayo

As others have said, the most surprising thing is that a 27 y/o uses FB. She probably is on insta and it auto posts to FB.

Anyway, you're best to block or unfriend her. She is 27.

OK this obviously isn't my strongest subject but are you saying if she's posting somthing on Instagram (which I do know exists!) it could be that it's automatically going out on FB as well? Becuase that would explain a lot - like why these particularly revealing photos are so different to what normally pops up on facebook. Have I got that right? If it is the case I'm wondering if she even realises it's set that way.

OP posts:

StarlightLady · 26/01/2022 17:03

Just relax and let it go. She is 27. Facebook’s rules are so strict anyway, it sounds as if you are making a mountain out of a molehill. If there are lots of things you are proud of her about, that’s great. Focus on those!

VioletOcean · 26/01/2022 17:35

Friend of mine posts pics of her in low cut tips, short shorts all super tight and I think .. your dad and brothers are your friends.. is never say anything but I do think its ooerr

MermaidEyes · 26/01/2022 17:41

When you post on Instagram it also gives you an option to post it on Facebook at the same time so she would be well aware it's being posted on both if that's the case.

Imissmoominmama · 26/01/2022 17:41

If you don’t comment, she probably thinks you haven’t seen them. Why not press the ‘care’ emoji whenever she does it, and get all her aunties to do the same. She’ll soon lock down her privacy settings .

Blueroses99 · 26/01/2022 17:45

Yes, Instagram settings do allow automatic post to Facebook if it’s set up that way.

Personally I’d feel uncomfortable seeing family members in risqué clothing. I would enquire whether she realises that family members are seeing such pics.

Marmarind · 26/01/2022 20:47

I don't think it's weird that. A 27 year old uses Facebook. I am 26, I grew up in my teen years with Facebook, all my peers had it. Yes, a lot now primarily use Instagram since that blew up, but the majority of them all still have a Facebook account they update although maybe not as regularly, and there is still plenty from my peers to see on the timeline every day!

I'd find it weirder for the younger 20s who are more Gen-Z as they didn't grow up with Facebook, they grew up with Instagram and Snapchat, TikTok etc.

Original poster

thatothermother1965 · 27/01/2022 08:41

@Boood

I think OP is saying she personally doesn’t want to see these photos, rather than that her daughter shouldn’t be posting them. And I don’t blame her, you don’t want to see family members in sexy mode, however much you get their right to have one. The daughter should select her audience more carefully.

That's about it. I'm not too bothered from my own sake. I do feel for her Dad though.

OP posts:

dorkfink · 27/01/2022 08:46

I think it's odd for someone aged 27 to do particularly whilst "friends" with family. A family member went through a similar phase but she was 19.

dorkfink · 27/01/2022 08:51

I honestly don't believe that many of the posters here will really be so sanguine in the future when their then adult kids post stuff like this on their FB/whatever platform it is by then.

Perhaps they will have matching only fans accounts 😆

Original poster

thatothermother1965 · 27/01/2022 09:27

@dorkfink

I think it's odd for someone aged 27 to do particularly whilst "friends" with family. A family member went through a similar phase but she was 19.

The first time it was definitely something to to raise an eyebrow I actually thought she'd made a mistake and that it wasn't intend for all and sundry to see. I expected it to disappear. I wish I'd said something when I had gone chance now but I didn't want to embarrass her. Although in a way I'm glad I didn't since it turns out it wasn't unintentional. She's normally pretty sensitive to this sort of thing too. I remember her trying a dress on when we were out shopping for a wedding so putting it back saying she couldn't wear it in front of her Dad.

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