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Original poster

Daughter (27) and Facebook

71 replies

thatothermother1965 · 26/01/2022 11:14

We're in our 50s and our daughter is 27, single and independant with a good job etc. Whave a good relationships with her siblings. Over the last few years one issue is coming up that I've just more or less ignored until recently. She has sometimes posts photos on social media that are really quite on the risque side. It's facebook usually and I'm always conscious when she does this that everyone is connected and I cringe a bit and wonder what on earth certain family members etc. think when they see these photos that are actually quite different to how she generally presents herself. She's does have a fantastic figure and we're proud of her in every possible way but with this she does push the boundaries compared to what I see from most of her friends etc. I've talked to my husband about it. He's less concerned about what anyone else thinks but feels uncomfortable when certain photos of her pop up. I'm not going to let it become a bigger issue than it is and I know it's part and parcel of the world we live in so I'll get shot down by some people on here but I'm not really bothered about that. I don't mind hearing I should just let it go because I already wonder if I'm being over-sensitive but if anyone has any actual advice on how to gently raise it or drop a subtle hint I'd appreciate that as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatothermother1965 · 26/01/2022 13:06

@CheeseCakeSunflowers

I think with Facebook that some posters forget exactly who can see their posts. When she posts these she probably has a particular audience in mind and forgets that Mum, Auntie Jane and Mr Smith down the road can also see it. If you were to make a nonjudgemental comment like "new outfit?" it might be enough to remind her who can see them.
That's exactly where I'm coming from. It doesn't 'bother' me personally but I do think about the wider audience not least her Dad. I usually just ignore the posts in question but I might 'give her a like' or pay her a carefully worded compliment along the lines you suggest. Thanks.
OP posts:
BlingLoving · 26/01/2022 13:07

I think the issue here is that some social media tools have blurred the lines. At 27, posting selfies and wearing "risqué" clothes is totally normal. It's just that 30 years ago, we did that without our parents knowing about it or seeing it.

In this case, she obviously doesn't care that you and Great Aunty Doris can see it. If you care, then stop following her on facebook.

I appreciate you don't want to see those photos, but you have no right to try to stop her.

amusedbush · 26/01/2022 13:10

@tulips27

I'm surprised at a 27 year old using Facebook tbh. It sounds like stuff more suited to Insta anyway.
Really? I'm 31 and have a lot of facebook friends around that age. My brother and SIL are 25, plus their friends I've known since they were all at school together. They all use it a lot to share updates and photos, plus the messenger app.

Gen Z is very disparaging of facebook but they're in their teens and early 20s.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
HomeIsDogs · 26/01/2022 13:14

I would unfriend her or whatever you need to not see the posts. And if it was my child I’d tell them they looked like an attention seeking twat. 😬 Ultimately it’s up to your daughter what she posts though as she’s an adult but if she continued, I just wouldn’t want to know about it. I always think there’s something missing when people seek validation online though.

FinallyHere · 26/01/2022 13:28

As PP pointed out, a simple 'lovely photo, dear, will remind her to adjust her settings so you no longer see these. Simples.

Original poster
thatothermother1965 · 26/01/2022 13:33

@BlingLoving

I think the issue here is that some social media tools have blurred the lines. At 27, posting selfies and wearing "risqué" clothes is totally normal. It's just that 30 years ago, we did that without our parents knowing about it or seeing it.

In this case, she obviously doesn't care that you and Great Aunty Doris can see it. If you care, then stop following her on facebook.

I appreciate you don't want to see those photos, but you have no right to try to stop her.

I think you're absolutely right about lines blurring. 100%. Not everyone is the same either. I'm not bothered in the slightest about seeing her like that. We have a good relationship and I wishe I'd looked as good even at 27 but that's not really the point.

As a man, my husband doesn't sees it differently. He does feel personally uncomfortable seeing it but also shares my concern generally. But neither of us are about to 'lecture' anyone.I know you weren't saying that, just lookng at some of the other replies!

OP posts:
Spilltheteaplease · 26/01/2022 13:42

The thing is whatever you do say is probably going to come across as a lecture. I don't think there's a non-lecturing way to express your concerns.

I think if you thought she'd take it well you'd have said something by now.

I'd just unfollow or mute her.

Threeboysandadog · 26/01/2022 14:01

I have blocked my step son on Facebook as I didn’t like, and didn’t want to be connected to, his content. Just block her and tell her why.

Regularsizedrudy · 26/01/2022 14:05

Leave her a cringey comment. Hopefully a comment from mum will mortify her enough to change her settings so family members can’t see certain posts. It’s really easy to do I’m surprised she hasn’t already!

Sally872 · 26/01/2022 14:07

You sound like you understand it is her choice and nothing for you to do which is good and I agree. However I would also be a bit uncomfortable about it as her mother and rightly or wrongly I would wonder what family think.

I would probably give myself a chat everytime "what will people think" pops into my head and say "who cares what people think, glad she is comfortable in her own skin"

KurtWilde · 26/01/2022 14:09

I know it's her choice, I know it's her life etc. etc. Anyone pointing that out is wasting their time.

So what do you want people to say? What do you want from the thread?

RamblinBoy · 26/01/2022 14:10

I'd be concerned by this too. She's a grown adult but you are still allowed to be worried about the choices made by your children! For me, this would be quite a poor choice to make. For others, maybe less so.

I would probably comment a few times with something cringey like 'you'll catch your death of cold! Dad and I can see your bum, so can any future employer. Love mam x' Might not be everyone's approach but it would do the job.

7eleven · 26/01/2022 14:15

One of my daughter’s roles at work is recruitment. Scrutiny of social media is definitely used. Last year a male applicant was rejected, partly because of things he had posted. I’d find a way of bringing it up with your daughter.

CheltenhamLady · 26/01/2022 14:19

I would be horrified and very surprised if any of my adult DC did that.

I have a niece that behaves similarly, and none of my DC who are her peers, nor any of our other similar aged relatives can believe it and they do speak about it negatively.

I can appreciate why you are concerned OP. I would have to find a way to mention it, despite all those commenting on here that she is an adult. This is a bad choice.

Marmarind · 26/01/2022 14:19

Personally if I were posting photos like that on social media I would limit the post. You can use your settings to select the "audience". One of mine makes it so that the post won't be visible to the people I've selected, usually family members.

onelittlefrog · 26/01/2022 14:25

P.S. I know it's her choice, I know it's her life etc. etc. Anyone pointing that out is wasting their time

But what other possible response is there to this?

There is literally nothing you can do about it and it IS her life and her choice.

If it upsets you then you need to unfollow her.

EishetChayil · 26/01/2022 14:32

Only on Mumsnet will you get advice to basically shun your children when they reach 18.

Of course you should offer guidance and advice on how she's living her life and presenting herself Liz

EishetChayil · 26/01/2022 14:32

Ignore the random Liz there!

Pluvia · 26/01/2022 14:51

Fascinated by all the posters assuming that anyone older and raising an eyebrow in concern has never been seen in anything less modest than a high-necked, ankle-length, long-sleeved nightie. Such ageism here on MN.

You're allowed to be concerned, OP. I'm an employer and if I checked out an applicant's FB I'd think twice about employing a woman whose nipples I and her colleagues could see on line. That would seem like poor judgment on her behalf. The fact that I could see her FB alone would be cause for concern. I can't afford to employ an exhibitionist or a narcissist — not a good fit for my team. I know I'm not supposed to say or think these things but it's my money and reputation on the line if I choose the wrong person for the job.

As a former punk and a radical feminist and lesbian I feel sad that young women are so focussed on their looks for self-esteem. Not saying we shouldn't celebrate our bodies, whatever shape and size they come in. Just not in such an unimaginative, conformist, like-me way.

So for those reasons, if she was my lovely daughter I'd respond with a 'Seriously?' and have a conversation with her to make sure she's considered some of the ramifications of he actions. And I might give her a book feminism for her birthday.

NewYearNewMinty · 26/01/2022 15:07

@Peppaismyrolemodel

Comment on them: “such a lovely outfit dear” Spect she will lock her settings up fast Grin she’s prolly just forgot they pop up on your feed
Actually this is a great idea.

I absolutely my hate my mum commenting on my FB posts (she's usually sparky or cringe inducing) so have my setting so she doesn't see them unless I particularly want to include her.

Do it often enough and your DD will probably do the same.

Original poster
thatothermother1965 · 26/01/2022 15:17

@EishetChayil

Ignore the random Liz there!
It's OK, I thought maybe she was from Great Aunt Dorris's side of the family!
OP posts:
saltandpepper234 · 26/01/2022 15:21

Just hide her posts from your feed and then you won’t have to see them

Bagelsandbrie · 26/01/2022 15:22

I think she probably doesn’t really want her judgey relatives following her on Facebook so why not be kind to yourself and to her and just unfollow her? I wouldn’t want my Mum / Dad to see stuff I put on some of my social media when I was that age!

Pluvia · 26/01/2022 15:31

@Pluvia

Fascinated by all the posters assuming that anyone older and raising an eyebrow in concern has never been seen in anything less modest than a high-necked, ankle-length, long-sleeved nightie. Such ageism here on MN.

You're allowed to be concerned, OP. I'm an employer and if I checked out an applicant's FB I'd think twice about employing a woman whose nipples I and her colleagues could see on line. That would seem like poor judgment on her behalf. The fact that I could see her FB alone would be cause for concern. I can't afford to employ an exhibitionist or a narcissist — not a good fit for my team. I know I'm not supposed to say or think these things but it's my money and reputation on the line if I choose the wrong person for the job.

As a former punk and a radical feminist and lesbian I feel sad that young women are so focussed on their looks for self-esteem. Not saying we shouldn't celebrate our bodies, whatever shape and size they come in. Just not in such an unimaginative, conformist, like-me way.

So for those reasons, if she was my lovely daughter I'd respond with a 'Seriously?' and have a conversation with her to make sure she's considered some of the ramifications of he actions. And I might give her a book feminism for her birthday.

I should have added to my own post that I'd apply the same criteria to any man applying for a job with me. If a potential employee was posting pix in boxers or styled 'look at me' images I'd have exactly the same concerns about judgment, attention-seeking behaviour and lack of professionalism and maturity.
Happierthanever91 · 26/01/2022 15:31

I get where you're coming from as it's your Daughter and you're bound to be concerned. However, like you've said it is her own life and she is 27. Maybe just unfollow her profile and then you won't see the photos ect but you'll still be friends. Might make you feel better not seeing it