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Original poster

Preschool child hates school

39 replies

Yumchips · 23/01/2022 18:53

Just wanted some general advice.

My preschooler (will be 4 in March) hates school. She's been going for 4 months and at first was fine (ish) with it but overtime her behaviour is worse with not wanting to go. I try and have everything organised the night before to keep the mood light and easy to reduce my own stress. However her hatred of school is now bleeding Into her sleep routine and tantrums at bedtime after checking with me if tomorrow is a school day or not. Any advice from anyone please? I find her own stress makes me feel stressed and dread the morning drop offs because it's so fractious. Thank you

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Original poster
Yumchips · 23/01/2022 18:56

I struggle with acknowledging her feelings but also keen not to give it too much importance. Not sure I'm getting the balance right. She's very independent, can get dressed and have breakfast etc but when she knows it's school she won't move an inch from her bed or get herself dressed etc. Very stubborn and frustrating.

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FlamesEmbersAshes · 23/01/2022 19:11

Why does she hate it? I think you need to try to unpick this if you can. Is it being separated from you? Does she not get on with some of the other children? One of my DCs went through a period of being very anxious about school - when we finally got to the bottom of it, it was because the toilet flushed very loudly and that scared her. Easily tackled once we knew but she was genuinely frightened, bless her.

What does she say when you ask her?

Original poster
Yumchips · 23/01/2022 19:39

I wish I knew! I have tried talking about lots and in a gentle not too invasive way but the best I can get from her is that 'its scary' which isn't helpful.

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Childcare & nursery Families
NerrSnerr · 23/01/2022 19:41

How long has she been at the preschool and was she in another setting before?

Have you spoken to the preschool to see if anything is upsetting her?

dressicarabbit · 23/01/2022 19:43

Is taking her out an option? My DD hated nursery and wailed on the way every day. Now 4 and started school in Sept and absolutely loves it. So things can change but until they do can she have a break?

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 23/01/2022 19:46

Any feedback from the preschool or gut instinct OP? You can acknowledge by saying 'Wow school sounds really scary for you.' and see if she will respond. Also some imaginative play with you as little girl going to school might uncover something about her impression of it all. Like a pp I wouldn't leave it as it is.

Redwinestillfine · 23/01/2022 19:48

Why is a pre schooler at school? Do you mean nursery? She may feel differently when she's at school?

Original poster
Yumchips · 23/01/2022 19:49

She's been with a childminder since 11 months and it took her 6 months even at that age to settle. She has always struggled to separate from me but it's gotten a lot better in the last year. She started this preschool in September so it's coming up to 4 full months now. I just find her school avoidance keeps getting worse all the time. Never used to affect her bedtime routine adversely etc. I will speak to the school tomorrow and see what they have to say.

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Original poster
Yumchips · 23/01/2022 19:50

Taking her out could be an option but she'd have to go back to her childminder and most children her age go to a school nursery now so feels a little regressive. I work full time.

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Original poster
Yumchips · 23/01/2022 19:51

@Redwinestillfine she's in the nursery year at primary school, hope that makes sense...

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HeyGirlHeyBoy · 23/01/2022 19:52

It might feek regressive but it might also be the right decision and doesn't have to mean anything for next year. Or if it is tbe particular preschool, perhaps another one is an option? Your response to her issue wjth separation is important so might be worth thinking about that too.

GrapefruitPink · 23/01/2022 19:52

I would start with a chat with the school. And see what they say.
It's a big change to a childminder.
A much bigger number from a childminder. It can be daunting.

GrapefruitPink · 23/01/2022 19:53

bigger number of children

Original poster
Yumchips · 23/01/2022 19:54

@HeyGirlHeyBoy thanks, those are both good ideas. Will try role play and see how we get on tomorrow evening. And need a chat with her teachers I think. Have spoken to them previously and they were fairly dismissive but it was still early in the settling in process...

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dressicarabbit · 23/01/2022 19:55

Would 1/2 days be an option? I just basically think that if small kids hate something it's good to reduce it otherwise they get entrenched

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 23/01/2022 20:03

Role play with toys will create the distance further. You could even 'be' a toy and say 'Teddy doesn't like going to school. I wonder why?' and see what she comes up with and 'I wonder how we could help Teddy.' Again wait. 'Sometimes it's hard for Teddy to say bye to her Mummy. I wonder what they should do' This seems so obvious to us that it's her situation, but the toys make it a safe place for her. Outside of that plenty of looking forward to later, after school, when you'll see her again.

Original poster
Yumchips · 23/01/2022 20:25

@GrapefruitPink yes you're right it's a big change from the cosy environment at childminder. She's seen children one by one start nursery and school so she's been really so excited to go to school in September. I just think it isn't the experience she thought it was going to be and perhaps too daunting. She does 3 full days at school and 2 days at her old childminder. We have this arrangement because her school nursery is further away and finishes at 3.15 but I still need to work until 5. So I find the two days at childminder takes the pressure off my week as she is happy there and I can collect her closer to 5.

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Original poster
Yumchips · 23/01/2022 20:27

@dressicarabbit the school have said they want the nursery children doing minimum 3 days a week and ideally 4 or 5. I don't think she's ready to do more but they won't let us do less at this stage. I also thought it would be important to do 3 consecutive days to get her enough time in that environment to adjust but haven't seen the evidence of that yet...

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HeyGirlHeyBoy · 23/01/2022 20:35

Is that a 9-3.15 or similar? It's quite a long day for preschool if so. It's just 3h here (Ireland).

Arucanafeather · 23/01/2022 20:41

Not sure if this applies in your case but just wanted to give our experience as something to consider. Sometimes the setting just isn’t right. Our youngest got selective mutism at a nursery that other kids love. We swap to a different nursery where the adults were more hands on and supportive rather than directive and she thrived there.

dressicarabbit · 23/01/2022 21:02

I think if the nursery is good they will help you with strategies but just accepting that she is completely miserable isn't an option. I get that she is slow to adapt and my DD is the same but 4 months is a long time to be unhappy. I really feel for you, it's heart wrenching.

Anther thing you could try is taking leave from work and sitting in to see how she is in the nursery. I did that, just sat at the side and watched her with minimal interaction. It gave me huge peace of mind to see her happy enough and also the really excellent nursery workers in operation.

Redwinestillfine · 23/01/2022 21:27

Can you change nursery? I moved mine for the final year and it made the world of difference

Original poster
Yumchips · 23/01/2022 21:57

Thanks everyone for the support! I was mentally preparing myself for a telling off for not giving it long enough or being consistent enough! My guy instinct tells me that she is not happy and it breaks my heart as she is so little and not having fun. Sometimes when I collect her at the school gate she breaks into tears when she lays eyes on me and I feel awful inside, just terrible. The teacher will say she was fine and had a good day but her face says otherwise!

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HeyGirlHeyBoy · 23/01/2022 22:00

Definitely go with your gut.

GrapefruitPink · 23/01/2022 22:07

Sometimes when I collect her at the school gate she breaks into tears when she lays eyes on me and I feel awful inside, just terrible. The teacher will say she was fine and had a good day but her face says otherwise!

This is so sad.

Deffo speak to the school, see what they suggest. As you need to find out if she is genuinely fine or not once she's in there etc.

Is it just your and your daughter at home?

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