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Original poster

My husband has been on a binge since 4th December

38 replies

Loopylou6 · 23/01/2022 18:03

He has a bad problem anyway, the last 3 years have been awful. He's had tonic clonic seizures, been hospitalised, got arrested for assault ( he pushed me ) spent the night in a cell, got sent to court and handed a DVPO order, wasn't allowed home for 28 days.
Just before Christmas I went into a refuge, but I missed my home too much.
Fast forward to now, as mentioned, he's going round the shop at 7 am, buying and drinking alcohol to the point he sleeps all day, has barely eaten a thing since he started this particular binge. Normally he goes a month or so being OK, this has been the longest yet.
I wake every morning with a knot in my stomach, yesterday I had a break down, I can't cope with him, but I'm scared for him. A couple of weeks ago he fell coz he was obv pissed and did his ribs in, he's lying to his work and getting it backed up with doctors notes.
I feel hopeless, so sad and miserable, I don't want my life to be like this, but why can't I stop worrying? I don't want him anymore, but when he goes back to his usual self, I start to doubt myself.
Gosh I sound pathetic reading that back, but why am I so weak that my life falls apart when he drinks, but when he's sober I feel happy .
Sorry for rambling

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylou6 · 23/01/2022 18:06

Oh and he lies and denies he's drinking

OP posts:
Nomoreusernames1244 · 23/01/2022 18:08

So. He’s an alcoholic. There’s nothing you can do for him, only he can get himself sober.

Move out. Tell him you can’t help him, he needs to get help himself. Leave him numbers for the GP, AA etc and leave.

Don’t waver. Tell yourself, and him, you won’t return until he’s been sober at least 6 months.

Then the option to return is there is it’s what you want, but it’s conditional.

Willing to bet though once the break is made you’ll soon adapt and realise your life is better without him.

FlamesEmbersAshes · 23/01/2022 18:14

He’s an active addict in the middle of a spiral. You cannot to ANYTHING to stop him.

This will not get better. And the relationship needs to end because it’s unsafe and bloody miserable for you. What’s your living situation? Do you rent or own?

Original poster
Loopylou6 · 23/01/2022 18:45

Own outright jointly
Thanks both for reply

OP posts:
MandUs · 23/01/2022 19:36

Do you have children involved in this mess?

Original poster
Loopylou6 · 23/01/2022 20:54

Luckily older. 22 nearly 23 and 17 nearly 18

OP posts:
Pixiesfan · 23/01/2022 21:18

So sorry to read this. I know how you feel. I left my DH in very similar circumstances and, although so very difficult, it was the best decision ever. He's really not going to change. It's been 2 years now and unfortunately I'm still embroiled in his issues because I still care and we have 2 teenagers together, but at least we don't have to live with it as I now have my own house. The relief when he stops drinking was so great, but then it goes back to shit. It always goes back to shit. You have to leave x

BritInAus · 23/01/2022 22:17

I am so so sorry to hear this. I spent nearly 12 years with a progressively more serious alcoholic.

There is NOTHING you can do to stop this. I spent most of those 12 years worrying about leaving. But it was the best thing I ever did.

Less than a year after I left, they died at 40 years old of liver failure.

Honestly, get out. Houses, money etc can be sorted, this is not worth wasting another day over.

If they want to change, they will try. You can't do ANYTHING to make that happen - and you aren't responsible. Please, get out.

LIZS · 23/01/2022 22:22

Where are your dc in all this? Did they move out with you, are they exposed to this, is your dc2 taking exams ? You really need to stop condoning his behaviour and deception. If you cannot leave please find support to remove him. Nothing you can do or say will change him.

TheDangerOfIgnorance · 23/01/2022 23:44

You have an under 18 in the house, use it to your advantage. Get him out, get a restraining order, call police and keep saying safeguarding. You can't help him but have a duty to protect a minor

Original poster
Loopylou6 · 24/01/2022 00:30

Wow. Thank you everyone. I'll call the police tomorrow. I didn't even think about that. That's genius

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylou6 · 24/01/2022 00:31

Thanks to everybody who has replied

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylou6 · 24/01/2022 00:33

@BritInAus I'm so sorry to hear that

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylou6 · 24/01/2022 00:35

No, she dropped out of school and won't speak to me because of how I've handled this. Understandably

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylou6 · 24/01/2022 01:37

Called for an ambulance they refused

OP posts:
Ilady · 24/01/2022 02:06

I had a friend of mine in a similar situation to you. She had 3 small children at the time. Her partner was drinking heavily and really did not care about her or the children. She was sick of his drinking, been short of money and the arguments between them. She did not want her children growing up and seeing this so she threw him out of the rented house they had. She had to go on benefits and when the children got a bit older she got work and then did further training.
Today 2 of her adult children have degrees and good jobs. Her 3rd child is doing a degree. She is now in a relationship with a lovely man and is happy.
Meanwhile the children father is still drinking, lives in rented accommodation and has been in and out of work over the years.
. Get him out, get a restraining order, call police and keep saying safeguarding. You can't help him but have a duty to protect a minor
It won't be easy but you have to think of your 17 year old. Your husband chooses to drink but your 17 year deserves better than watching him on a binge and your trying to deal with the fall out of his heavy drinking.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/01/2022 02:42

Your poor kids, growing up with all this.

Cocogreen · 24/01/2022 03:01

OP get the police to take him away and start divorce proceedings.
You deserve better.

Gingerkittykat · 24/01/2022 04:00

Can you have him removed from the house?

You can contact women's aid for advice, it's really common for women to take multiple attempts to leave an abuser.

I understand the worry, my ex recently fell over drunk and ended up in hospital with hypothermia and it could have had a worse outcome. Part of me wanted to connect with him but I know he is not my responsibility and making his own choices in life.

Flittingaboutagain · 24/01/2022 04:11

it's really common for women to take multiple attempts to leave an abuser.

This is true and completely understandable but you really need to be a role model for your poor kids who have obviously grown up with this toxic dynamic and have a future of poor relationship choices and emotional difficulties ahead. You need to have him removed and when the dust settles talk to them about getting therapy.

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 24/01/2022 04:19

My brother in laws in exactly the same situation with my sister and has been for years.

I'll say to you exactly what ive said to him. And that's we're only here once, and you need to start deciding how you want to spend the rest of your time here. Is it living? Or is it chasing after an adult who refuses to take responsibility for themselves?

That sounds harsh but the poor guy hasn't had a Christmas for years, this year I got a real insight as to what he's putting up with and im horrified, horrified and feeling guilty that I haven't done more to help. But honestly what can be done? We can't break the cycle.

NewtoHolland · 24/01/2022 05:14

Yeah ambulance are not going to usually take an adult without their consent it needs to be police, restraining order etc.

House on the market and move somewhere new. Give you all a fresh start.

What support have your kids had so far having had to live this life for so long? Have you tried chatting with Alanon or similar for support for you all?

A580Hojas · 24/01/2022 05:30

Can you get back in touch with the refuge, apologise sincerely for leaving "because you missed your home too much", promise not to do it again (and mean it). You really do owe it to your youngest child to get them away from your husband.

Start divorce proceedings. The house will have to be sold and you can have a fresh start. Find your local Al-Anon group (support for families of alcoholics) and start using it. If you are not even prepared to do that then at least make sure your kids know they exist and could help them in this hellish situation.

Your marriage is over and you must face it.

MishWoking · 24/01/2022 05:32

Addiction is an illness, usually from trauma. Are there any rehab units near you? Or drug and alcohol units near you? He needs professional help, not abandonment.

isthismylifenow · 24/01/2022 05:33

@Loopylou6

No, she dropped out of school and won't speak to me because of how I've handled this. Understandably
Loopylou, this is sad to read. Did she come with you to the refuge when you went?

Are you saying that you are all living together without some of you speaking in the same house?

If you are the poster that I am thinking of, you have given good advice to others over the years. Time to put that into action for yourself this time. For you and your DC.

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