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Original poster

40th lack of friends don't know what to do

75 replies

GameOfLaughs · 21/01/2022 20:14

Feel really down. It's my 40th at end of June I always thought I would have a big party but as time gets closer I don't dare to arrange one as I'm worried people won't turn up.
I used to be quite popular 5 years or more ago, lots of friends, school mums I got on with, neighbours. But since kids bit older I working more, covid I've grown apart from so many of them. Other people drifted away.
Ive also had medical issues which have made me stay in so I don't socialise as much.
I know a lot of people but I don't have many actual friends. So could have lots potentially turning up but could also have people not coming on the night.
If I was to go away I probably would only have 4 or 5 people come away with me I don't have many more than that.
It was my neighbours 40th last summer she went to London with 10 school mums - I don't even know 10 school mums!
I will feel so sad not to have a celebration but myself esteem is awful atm and I don't think I could take the disappointment of people not turning up.
I would be inviting around 70 but only could guarantee 20 would definitely come.

OP posts:

Iamnotamermaid · 22/01/2022 08:07

If I was to go away I probably would only have 4 or 5 people come away with me I don't have many more than that.

4 or 5 people would be fine. If these people are actual friends a weekend or day away with them would be lovely. You do not need a big party to have fun - sometimes the smaller ones are better as you get to spend quality time with people. Maybe a spa day at a hotel or just go do something you always wanted to do.

Bunce1 · 22/01/2022 08:14

Sounds like you want a big party and are prepared to invite lots of acquaintances?! I don’t get that.

whereismyhappyplace · 22/01/2022 09:18

Have a really good think about what YOU would actually like to do and be realistic about who would turn up for you.

I'd be too nervous to throw a big party just incase people couldn't come, I was nervous for my wedding party and it turned out fine but I was stressed about it!

For my 40th I went to NYC with one friend, Barcelona with DH and had a family dinner at a fancy pants restaurant in town. I probably had some smaller lunches and dinners individually with friends but I'm not a big-party / centre of attention style person so this all suited me.

It's classic you-do-you / I'll-do-me and don't worry about what other people do/think

I hope you enjoy whatever you decide

Frazzled2207 · 22/01/2022 09:22

You sound a bit like me.
I just went on a weekend away with dh. No fuss. No party!

tiredanddangerous · 22/01/2022 09:25

I feel your pain with this one op. I managed to avoid doing anything for my 30th by having a newborn and my 40th was in the first lockdown, which worked out quite well!

Could you go on holiday or book a special day out with family?

Matbest · 22/01/2022 09:29

So you have 5 people in your life close enough to go away with, and 20 people you know would definitely come to a party of yours, and 50 more people on top of that you know well enough to invite?

You have plenty of friends OP.

Starynight282 · 22/01/2022 09:30

cereallover try not to feel like that, your worth isn't tied up in the number of friends you have. You can still have a lovely day with your DH and DC. Go somewhere special, explore a new town, have a picnic or find a nice tea room, buy something lovely from one of the shops then home for a nice pamper session and cake. Make something of the day and have the confidence to say I don't want a fuss, I just want a lovely day with my 2 boys. My 40th was in lockdown so it was very low key but absolutely lovely and I know if lockdown hadn't have happened I'd have felt the pressure to have some kind of party or something which I would have dreaded for fear of no one turning up or it falling flat. I know, with confidence that for my 50th I want a quiet but special day and there's no shame in that. Too much pressure to have it all, the big group of girlfriends etc and a lot of us just haven't got that but that's OK.

mdh2020 · 22/01/2022 09:45

Why do people think they have to have loads of friends? Having a few good friends, ones you can rely on , is what matters. My sister thought she had 100s until she was widowed and was ill. In the end she had me and DM.

Gardeningtipsneeded · 22/01/2022 10:06

I consider myself very popular with lots of friends, almost too many tbh. I could be out every day of the week if I wanted. For my 40th I had a party for twenty 5 and am going away with 5 people? I wouldn’t be able to invite 70……

Sounds like you have your parameters a little skewiff?

Monr0e · 22/01/2022 10:14

Obviously everyone celebrates differently. Just because one person has a party, doesn't mean that's what you have to do. I also struggle with the idea of inviting acquaintances Just to make up numbers rather than them being actual friends.

As you can see from here, hardly anyone could list 70 people as friends.

I would change your thinking, decide who are the people who you would definitely want to spend time with and plan accordingly. If that's 10-20 people then that's actually amazing. Many people would struggle to have even that many.

And stop worrying about what it will look like on social media and concentrate more on how it will feel on the day to spend it with people you genuinely like

RobinPenguins · 22/01/2022 10:20

Going to London with 10 school mums sounds fucking awful but that might just be me! 4 or 5 is a much better number of people to go away, if there are more it becomes logistically difficult and you realistically only spend much time with a few of them anyway because everyone naturally splits into 2-3 groups.

MogsBestestFurball · 22/01/2022 10:37

I can relate to that, but you are in a better position than me.

It's hard because 40 is such milestone, it feels kind of a failure to not have loads of people.

But lots of people are in the same position as you, they don't admit to it as there is a stigma around wanting more friends. Use the birthday as a chance to reach out and build relationships with some of those people. Do something low key, so you don't need exact numbers, like a BBQ outside. Then also do something more elaborate with your close friends seperately if you want to.

MogsBestestFurball · 22/01/2022 10:40

Personally, I plan on booking myself into a fancy spa for my 40th this year, totally alone!

Mycatsgoldtooth · 22/01/2022 10:45

I opened this thinking you’d be celebrating with a couple if people. OP you have loads of friends, I’d be so happy to like as many people as you

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 22/01/2022 10:53

I had a lot of anxiety over this about my hen do. In the end about 8 women came including 2 sil's and mil. I really piled the pressure on myself that I didn't have 20 people there. But we had a really nice meal and 4 of us stayed out after. I don't know what I was stressing about in the end. For my 40th it was just as we were coming out of lockdown so we went for a meal just me DH and DD. My 30th I went to New York with DH as I didn't want a party.

Imissmoominmama · 22/01/2022 11:04

I did a sponsored bike ride on my 40th .

Bunce1 · 22/01/2022 11:43

Is much rather a smaller gathering with dear friends rather than a big shindig with “meat in the room”

mjf981 · 22/01/2022 20:58

I remember when I was younger, my parents going to a massive 40th for the local (self proclaimed) queen bee . A hundred people and a big marquee. They got talking to one man who turned out to be the husbands manager. He wasn’t really sure why he had been invited as he wasn’t friends with the woman, but had come for the free booze 😂

Things aren’t always as they seem.

mjf981 · 22/01/2022 20:58

That would be husbands bank manager.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 23/01/2022 01:01

I hardly call having 20 who would turn up to a party and 5 friends who would go as a with you as being lacking in friends! Have a word with yourself.

EBearhug · 23/01/2022 01:19

It's my 50th later this year, and I'm going away, because being away on my own will be slightly less shit than being at home on my own.

Starynight282 · 23/01/2022 09:13

Also, from personal experience at least I've found friendships difficult to find/maintain in my 40's. School friends have all moved to different ends of the country and often don't visit home town anymore as the family connection has gone, school mum friends drift away as the kids reach secondary school, other friends are all incredibly busy with work and family life. You're sandwiched between kids and elderly parents and don't have much time for yourself. My mum has an absolute tonne of friends because she's retired and spends most of the week doing various social activities.

moomin11 · 23/01/2022 09:19

I would rather spend a special birthday with family and a few close friends than throw a big party only to be worrying how many people would come. Spend it with the people that are the most important to you.

applecrumbleforteaagain · 23/01/2022 09:40

My 40th was bloody awful. My husband literally did nothing, told no one. I stupidly didn't arrange anything as he'd said "I'll sort it" so me on the day expecting some surprise, except nothing happened and at 6pm I'm in the kitchen getting bbq food ready for the kids. Anything is better than that in my eyes, almost broke my marriage over the lack of care and in fact it still hurts me to this day. When I could have taken control and do all of the lovely things others have just posted.

For my 50th I'm going away with 3 friends. Somewhere hot and sunny.

Libertysparkle · 24/01/2022 18:06

Hey
I turn 40 in March!
I feel the same as you about people not turning up. As does a close friend. I have a handful of close friends and lots of acquaintances.
Invite people you really want to spend time with. It's quality not quantity. And do something you want to do. it's your birthday after all.
I lost my Mum in November and the thought of celebrating makes me feel a bit sick. But at the same time she would want me to celebrate. My birthday is on a Wednesday. So I intend to go out with my Dad at lunch time and then maybe a meal in the evening. And celebrate in lots of other ways throughout the year (like the queen)

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