Screen time DS10 - constant arguing

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I am starting to feel stressed & ill from the constant arguing and disagreements about tech with DS age 10.

He plays football but other than that his main interest is looking at a screen whether it be ps4, tv or ipad. I have tried taking these away and then he becomes nice for a day until he gets it back again and then the pattern repeats. I am now trying no screens in the week (3 days we’re usually out until 6pm anyway) and a two hour limit at weekends.

I need advice to change things about how we communicate and how I can enforce some rules/discipline. This morning we had a massive argument and he was shouting at me very aggressively because I said he couldn’t take the PS4 to his granny’s house this weekend.
It’s really stressed me out and I’m not sure where I go with it all. It’s actually making me feel quite depressed, all the confrontation and constant arguing/ attempts at negotiation.

The sad thing is when he doesn’t have electronics he just doesn’t know what to do and says he is bored.

Please can anyone help? My home feels an unhappy one right now and I feel crap and at my wits end. I’m a single parent working full time so have no adult back-up at home.

What do you do in the evenings? Do you watch tv? MN? Binge tv shows? Or read? Do jigsaws?

What are you modelling behaviour wise? He is an only child so no one to play or interact with. What alternatives would you be happy with? Audio books, actual books?

When he is at his Nan's what is there to do? Our children are growing up in a completely different world to the one we grew up in. Technology is everywhere. The worst thing ever is social media but is watching tv that bad? I have teen boys. They watch a variety of fun stuff but also educational stuff done in a fun way. In school we show slowmo guys videos as a treat.

My sons were allowed to watch tv and play on computer games. However, the rule was about their behaviour whilst playing and their attitude when it was time to come off. If either of these were negative then they lost the privilege of playing. But my two were able to play board games together, card games, lego, chess which makes a massive difference. Why is being entertained by tv so bad? You can control what he watches. If you have Netflix there are lots of good things on there.

Sit him down and talk to him, ask him what he thinks he should be able to do and how long for. Let him feel listened to. In schools computer games are all part of daily conversations.

My DS10 will automatically go to a screen before thinking of anything else. We have done what you have - clear agreed rules around when he can have screen time which we stick to completely.
We do have to suggest other activities, but now he is getting into them as new hobbies so is coming up with these ideas himself - getting into reading, playing a keyboard, he's always loved lego, board games, cards.
Other things which are good 'halfway houses' are drawing tutorials on youtube, like ArtFor Kids Hub on youtube, making stop motion videos and so on. Stuff that involves screen time, but isn't computer games. He also likes baking now.
But yes taking devices to other peoples houses is a big fat no. Especially family.
Boredom is absolutely fine, it is important for us to have downtime!

Also if he is awake for 12+ hours on the weekend and only 2 for tv/games etc what do you expect him to do for 10+ hours? Yes break it up into chunks of time but have something scheduled for the time he is off. Could you watch a tv show together and then discuss it afterwards? Tell him what you liked, ask him what he liked.

When we were kids we were out and about because it was more interesting than being at home with 3 tv channels which were geared toward adults not children. We don't live in that world anymore. There are a million things tempting us to watch them, play with them.

I feel your pain, my 9 year old reaches for his screen before anything else and can get very upset when I take him off.

What’s worked for me is talking to him away from screens - so not when I’ve just taken him off. We talk about what he enjoys doing on screens, I explain how games makers set the game up to become addictive etc. We’ve negotiated his screen time rules and I’ll be flexible if he’s playing Minecraft with friends because it’s social interaction for him.

I think 2 hours is quite limited at weekends tbh, it can take time to get into a game and it’s his free time. What are you expecting him to do when he’s not on screens? As an only trying to entertain yourself for the day is quite a lot to ask, do you have activities planned for him and are you able to spend time doing things together?

I also think it’s fine for kids to be bored, if my two complain they’re bored they know I’ll find something for them to do - usually chores, so the do find stuff to entertain themselves. My DS will spend hours with Lego or building things and is very imaginative - I remind him of that when he says he’s bored or is unhappy at not having screen time. We also have a “no tech” day once a week for everyone in the family, so there’s downtime planned in to the week.

Thanks for the replies. So, to add some context, he does Scouts one evening which he does really enjoy. Will be starting cricket training soon as well - his choice. Tv wise, we do watch stuff together, usually his suggestions e.g Young Sheldon (current choice), Simpsons, Top Gear, Taskmaster ( bit sweary which he enjoys…)

He’s also baked brownies this week and generally likes to cook.

Maybe I need to ease the no screen rule in the week, if I’m being unreasonable. One issue though is that we normally don’t get home until @ 6.30. So if he has an hour on it, it’s 7.30 and he’s wired. It’s hard to get him off it - cue arguing.

He usually has one afternoon at home, and this is the homework slot. I’ve found that if I allow screens after this, he literally races through the homework and then makes a load of mistakes in it, but gets very stroppy when I want to go through it with him as he thinks his time is being ‘wasted’. The tech takes over. He’s just not mature enough to regulate it himself.

2 hrs at the weekend is gaming time ie PS4, it doesn’t include tv. To me that seems a lot!

Mine are 10 and 12 and screen time has been a big issue in the past few months. They got themselves banned for the last week of the holidays and their behaviour improved!

We have the same basic rules as you. No gaming during the week and 2 hours at the weekend.
However:
They have a maths game and a touch typing program on the laptop and I don't mind if they do 30 mins on a rainy afternoon during the week.
If they are ready for bed before dinner, have done all their homework, packed bags, laundry away etc they can watch tv whilst I get it ready.
The 2 hours gaming is linked to grades. If their school marks go down, their weekend screen time goes down.
I would not allow him to take tech to his grandparents' house unless they requested we send it with him.
If there is any refusal to turn off and bad behaviour, then it's clear the screens are having a bad effect on them and they need a week's break.
This, for example, This morning we had a massive argument and he was shouting at me very aggressively because I said he couldn’t take the PS4 would earn an immediate ban, for one (potentially two depending on what he was shouting) weeks.

The rules were agreed to and are stuck on the wall. Means I only have to point at them rather than always being the bad guy.

He isn’t mature enough to regulate himself, he needs help to develop those skills which you’re doing. What does he enjoy doing at home, what would he do to occupy himself?

I would remove altogether until his brain matures and can cope with using something that doesn’t make him act like he is addicted to it.

Unclench. An awful lot of people are puritanical whinyarses about the Evils of Screens and it is so unnecessary. The only rules you need to consider are that homework, etc gets done and if there are visiting relatives, DC spend some time engaging with them out of courtesy.
Otherwise, DCs' leisure time is up to them. They shouldn't have to stop doing what they enjoy in order to do things that adults think are 'better' because it's what they used to like when they were young.

My 9 year old doesn't have a regulated screen time. Screen time seems pretty meaningless anyway - it can be gaming, chatting to friends, watching a tv programme - so much is done on screens. He also draws, plays with a pet and loves board games. He comes off without complaint if asked.
I've another child far more obsessed, I think it will depend on the child.
But I'm not sure what I would do myself with no screen in the week and then 2 hours at the weekend! Don't you ever just want to watch tv after a hard day at work? School can be like that for children.

I think you're being quite stingey with it personally

We live in the digital age. It’s how dc communicate.

We never made much of a fuss about screens. All grew up to have good jobs and be part of society. One is still obsessed with gaming age 28

Dd 15 l, we don’t control her much. She’s doing well at school.

But I'm not sure what I would do myself with no screen in the week and then 2 hours at the weekend! Don't you ever just want to watch tv after a hard day at work? School can be like that for children.

I think that’s a really good point, so much of my time is spent on a screen (reading kindle, a programme for cross stitch, doing word games, chatting to friends etc) - it can still be quite productive time. For my DS part of the distress is that he misses time with friends when he’s off screen - it’s the social contact that’s really important to him.

I would increase his screen time on a weekend depending on how his behaviour is during the week.

I agree with what a PP has said about it being their leisure time and their choice and to relax a bit. That is the approach I take with my younger son. However my oldest is 9 and for some reason cannot self regulate! He loses interest in anything, gets very lazy with basic tasks (changing clothes, making his bed etc) and his behaviour is short and snappy. That is why (for some children) strict limits are needed.

We do no games consoles on a school day, though he can watch tv (not YouTube as this is as bad as games for his bad behaviour) once his homework and reading is done.

On a weekend I am more relaxed but I make sure we do one physical thing first, usually walking the dog or swimming, then he can have 2/3 hrs each day depending on behaviour.

I would absolutely love not to have to be so strict but he really does need it.

We had a few approaches that worked really well.

I 'owned' the chargers, so I could regulate when charging happened. They could regulate when they used up the charge. So id charge every friday night and every sunday night. When the charge ran out, that was it until next time. Obviously that was a while ago, you need to work out what's reasonable.

We also had a time earned/lost because of behaviour scheme. If you are late getting ready for school, then you go to bed earlier, screens off, until you are on time again. That meant that the DC who was able to get up in the morning and organise themselves was able to stay up later. Similarly, overtired ratty children on Day 1 went to bed earlier on day 2.

Being ready in the morning, and no ratty tired outbursts at night, meant you can stay up later.

They really understood the logic of that system, so we didn't get many arguments about it. It was more of a 'Oh dear, you're really struggling this week, had you better have an early night tomorrow?' Etc.

It all fed into everything else. If DC was achieving homework, ready on time for school and activities, pleasant to be around, then it didn't really matter how late they stayed up and how long was spent on screens. If they were starting to struggle, something had to be adjusted.

I agree with wreath.
It's what most children do these days and is the main topic of conversation.
I wouldn't do it and certainly had no interest in video games as a teen myself.
However I do spend quite a bit of time online at night to wind down before bed then I usually read..
If someone told me I couldn't do these things I too would complain.
My son spends what I think is too long on his screens...but I now just let him,so long as he does homework and make time to see friends outside the house etc I am happy!
It is not worth the stress and arguments trying to change their behaviour to what YOU think would be better.

Divide it up to social and antisocial activities. I wouldn’t count facetime calls / TV with family, Ipad or Video games played with or against family, homework research time as screentime. But I would include everything where he plays / watches something alone

My son is also addicted to his gadgets and gaming but I'm a bit more relaxed about it. I don't time him but I instinctively know when he's had too much screen time. I think fresh air and exercise is very important so I make sure he has plenty of that at weekends and sometimes after school (weather dependent). I get him doing other activities in the house too. E. G. He got some fossils for Christmas so we've been learning all about them. We did some baking yesterday. We also play family games a lot. My optician told me that eyes need a rest after an hour looking at screens so I make sure that happens. So these are my rules and as long as we've been out, had exercise, played games etc I'm not going to stop him playing on his tablet. He enjoys it, it's social, he talks to friends, uses his brain, it gives me a bit of down time too. Soon they'll be teenagers and it will be much harder to enforce such strict limits. I'd rather teach him good habits such and getting out each day, having a break from staring at screens after an hour than sitting there with a timer when he's enjoying a game.

My DC have TV for an hour three times a week and that's it for screen time. No gaming etc. I find that we get away with restricting it like this because we are very clear and consistent with days/times. Having limited screen time means they have loads of other hobbies and spend time playing. I am very clear that I think this is really important for their developing brains and I don't think anyone should be spending hours on screens unless they have to for work. The shouting etc. suggests that he is addicted and needs you to set the boundaries for him.

Just to give you a different perspective from those who see no problems with lots of screen time.

There is a massive problem with relatively well-intentioned parents turning things into battlegrounds because they have bought into a moral panic. If you are forever whining and scolding and monitoring how your DC spend their leisure time, particularly if you are stupid enough (as many parents are) to buy expensive tech and then restrict its use to about 5 minutes a day because WAAAH SCREENS then it is not surprising that your children get upset. You're making too much fuss and making screen time even more appealing by rationing it excessively.

Thanks all. Some interesting perspectives and ideas, it’s very helpful to hear how others deal with it.
I’m similar to you MariaMaria7 in that I’m not a massive fan of screen time, particularly gaming, as personally I think it’s a massive waste of time, keeps them cooped up indoors and seems to encourage agitated behaviour that’s hard to get back from. The whole thing, to me (and obviously it’s only my view) is that it’s just a massive pita to manage.
Having said that, tech has its uses, and to my son’s generation, it’s how they relax and communicate with friends. And we live in a city, so on dark winter nights, it’s not like he can go wandering around the streets on his own.
Interesting that 2 hrs at weekends is seen as minimal though - I can’t get my head round this. 2 hrs!?!! You could learn a language doing 2 hrs a day of it … surely that’s enough time?

I agree. And I think if your child is upset coming off after 2 hours, that is not telling you he needs to be on for longer - probably the opposite. It would be different perhaps if he was 16 but he's still a child.

Hopefully clear boundaries, e.g. shouting when I turn it off = no screens tomorrow will also help if you're not doing them already. Agree the rules in advance and have them pinned on the way! He may also need a bit of help to begin with in finding other things to do.

*Pinned on the wall!