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Original poster

Feel like my life is not my own

42 replies

Keke94LND · 20/01/2022 10:00

This is more just a bit of a vent really and I'm sure a lot of people feel this way but last night I just started feeling so stressed and anxious.

I'm 27 and live with my DP in London, obviously we have had covid for the last 2 years, and I'll be honest, the first 4/5 months of covid I actually enjoyed it, I worked from home, spent time chilling in the garden as the weather was so good, but then it just went on and on and on and suddenly felt like life was over! So for the last 2 years we haven't been able to do anything (neither has anyone), covid is obviously still here but things are getting better and 2022 was looking better, but, I was thinking about everything I have on this year and none of the plans I have were actually made by me because I chose them or wanted to do them and it's stressing me out!

for example there is a massive backlog of weddings that were meant to take place over the last 2 years, DP's friends are getting married in Scotland in a couple of weeks, luckily we can stay at dp's parents house, but it'll still cost quite abit with trains, transport, drinks etc then we are going on holiday with dp's family next month (I am excited to finally be going on holiday after 2 years and I love his family but equally I didn't choose this holiday, I was invited along if that makes sense), a friend of mine who lives in the north is having a baby shower soon so that's another expensive weekend away, although I might actually say no to that one. Then a friend of dp's is getting married in Ireland in April so that'll probably be a long costly weekend away, a friend of both of ours is getting married in June in Scotland, on a Wednesday! And then later in June dp's friend is getting married in Sweden so we'll be going to that as well! I just feel like after 2 years of shit and doing nothing, we can now finally do stuff, but everything I have to do revolves around other people and is other peoples choice, I'm going to run out of annual leave and money to be able to do anything that I choose to do myself!

I know the easy answer is to start saying no the things, but I don't feel like I can, and dp really wants me to go with him to all these weddings.

The last time dp and I went away together just the two of us, to somewhere we chose to go, at a time we chose to go, was 2018! 4 years ago!

Does anyone else feel like this? I feel like I have no control over my own life sometimes

OP posts:
Rollercoaster1920 · 20/01/2022 10:07

What do you want to do?

Life can often feel like you have described, the 'keep busy' lifestyle. Especially with children.
I'm taking some time out this year to do something I want to do. Can't wait.

mindutopia · 20/01/2022 10:13

Personally, no I don't feel like this at all. You have to make your life. These are just a handful of weekends out of the whole other 52 weekends/weeks in the year. You can always say no. But what are you doing the other times? Even with 2 kids and a dog and a busy professional life, I've found time to have a holiday on my own last year, to do some professional development, to take up a hobby I really love, am meeting up with friends, etc.

IMO, that's a lot of weddings to attend that require travel and it wouldn't be feasible for us to attend all of them. Just choose the ones you'll really enjoy/couples you are closest to and say no to the others. People have to understand. But what can you plan for you? It doesn't even have to cost loads of money.

mindutopia · 20/01/2022 10:14

Also, fwiw, we had 4 holidays last year (in the UK) and even had 2 in 2020 (after first lockdown), so no reason you couldn't be doing things unless COVID has meant you were out of work and couldn't afford it.

EileenGC · 20/01/2022 10:19

I think ‘feeling like my life is not mine’ doesn’t sum up what you’re trying to say that well, but I do get your point.

We’ve dealt with a pandemic, and now that it’s finally starting to ease off we have to deal with things that are a ‘consequence’ of the pandemic if that makes sense. Or rather, the timing of them. You feel like you first have to get over X’s wedding and YZ’s postponed family dinner / holiday / christening, before you start making fresh plans. It’s the mental load of it, like we have to concentrate 3 years’ worth of stuff in the next six months. Everybody feels obliged to go to all these events, because we must catch up on blah blah blah. Whereas before these would be occasional ‘highs’ in your year and there’d be no reason not to be excited for them. Now you’re just meh because thr novelty has worn off and the wedding was planned 3 years ago so you’re not even excited anymore.

Take initiative OP. Organise something that you and your partner want, even if it’s a quick weekend break in the next city over. A new idea that hasn’t been discussed before. Somewhere you’ve never visited. Or try to establish a new routine in something (hobby, seeing a friend) that you hadn’t had before.

Original poster
Keke94LND · 20/01/2022 10:23

@mindutopia

Also, fwiw, we had 4 holidays last year (in the UK) and even had 2 in 2020 (after first lockdown), so no reason you couldn't be doing things unless COVID has meant you were out of work and couldn't afford it.
We went to the Lake District with my family last April, and we have done day trips in the summer and we were due to go to Austria in November for Xmas markets but they locked down again a couple days before we were meant to go :( so we have done stuff, I do also think one issue is that dp and I havnt done anything just us in years (other than local stuff)
OP posts:
Original poster
Keke94LND · 20/01/2022 10:24

@EileenGC

I think ‘feeling like my life is not mine’ doesn’t sum up what you’re trying to say that well, but I do get your point.

We’ve dealt with a pandemic, and now that it’s finally starting to ease off we have to deal with things that are a ‘consequence’ of the pandemic if that makes sense. Or rather, the timing of them. You feel like you first have to get over X’s wedding and YZ’s postponed family dinner / holiday / christening, before you start making fresh plans. It’s the mental load of it, like we have to concentrate 3 years’ worth of stuff in the next six months. Everybody feels obliged to go to all these events, because we must catch up on blah blah blah. Whereas before these would be occasional ‘highs’ in your year and there’d be no reason not to be excited for them. Now you’re just meh because thr novelty has worn off and the wedding was planned 3 years ago so you’re not even excited anymore.

Take initiative OP. Organise something that you and your partner want, even if it’s a quick weekend break in the next city over. A new idea that hasn’t been discussed before. Somewhere you’ve never visited. Or try to establish a new routine in something (hobby, seeing a friend) that you hadn’t had before.

Yes! You definitely explained it better than me, it's the mental load of it and that everything is now all happening at once
OP posts:
grapewine · 20/01/2022 10:29

Start by not going to the baby shower and consider if you want to spend the leave for the Wednesday wedding. It is okay to say no to things.

Shapiro · 20/01/2022 10:31

We’ve just carried on as normal as much as we can so we haven’t been that affected by Covid. You can choose to be restricted or not.

TheProvincialLady · 20/01/2022 10:31

You’re talking as though you have no agency in any of these things but that’s not the case. You can choose to say no to Wednesday weddings, Scotland weddings, foreign travel weddings, baby showers and basically anything you don’t really want to do that eats up your time and money. Often people’s 20s and 30s are chock full of these events and it took me until after my first baby to realise that actually, most of these are boring and expensive and I don’t have to go to any of them (well apart from very close family). Just say no, politely, and send a card/gift.

refreshingseahorse · 20/01/2022 10:34

Oh I hated that feeling in my late 20s when I was stuck at work all week and then my precious weekends and (little) money were all taken up with attending weddings / other celebrations. I don't think its just covid, its also the age you are at, lots of peers having life events.

No advice outside of trying to carve out some space for yourself. You have my sympathies.

sweetbellyhigh · 20/01/2022 10:38

I feel like you don't know what a real problem is.

Original poster
Keke94LND · 20/01/2022 10:39

@grapewine

Start by not going to the baby shower and consider if you want to spend the leave for the Wednesday wedding. It is okay to say no to things.
The Wednesday wedding is probably the only one I want to do, as they are both friends of mine as well as dp, whereas the others are just dp's friends.. ofcourse in an ideal world id have loads of annual leave and money so I'd want to do them all
OP posts:
Original poster
Keke94LND · 20/01/2022 10:40

@sweetbellyhigh

I feel like you don't know what a real problem is.
Thanks for your helpful comment and making me feel more shit
OP posts:
ufucoffee · 20/01/2022 10:50

So book a couple of holidays for you and your DP. What's the problem?

Goldenphoenix · 20/01/2022 10:57

I think it happens this way in your twenties when everyone is getting married. It is ok to say no sometimes or send your OH on his own. Just blame lack of annual leave and money. I have got better at saying no now I am in my forties. Book in some theatre trips, weekends away for you and your OH.

We are all feeling a bit lost after the pandemic, I find it hard to remember what we did before and can't get excited about upcoming plans in case they don't happen!

Original poster
Keke94LND · 20/01/2022 11:07

@ufucoffee

So book a couple of holidays for you and your DP. What's the problem?
Well I won't have any money left to do this
OP posts:
user1471548941 · 20/01/2022 11:09

This was us last year. We turned the 2 Scottish weddings we had into holidays for us!

So went up for the wedding, took an additional week or so off work. Driving away from the wedding to a hotel for just us felt FAB! We were happy to see our friends getting married but happy to leave again also and know we had some time just for us- Scotland is beautiful so we went somewhere with plenty of hiking etc, enjoyed the views, a nice hotel. By about Day 2 it felt like it was just us on holiday!

The next one we wanted a slightly shorter trip and a change of holiday so took a city break in Edinburgh for 4 days before the Wednesday wedding! Then took a leisurely drive back to the South coast over 2 days- stops in Alnwick and York. I’d been super stressed about it the week before as it didn’t feel like “our” holiday but actually ended up really enjoying it.

It think it’s a case of making the best of it.

We’re getting married ourself next month and have been touched by all the people willing to travel for the day so it feels like our efforts have been repaid and they feel like valuable friendships!

Goldbar · 20/01/2022 11:21

Don't go to the weddings of your DP's friends. Only go to the weddings of your own/joint friends.

You don't have to prioritise weddings which require a lot of travel and staying away (Scotland/Ireland/Sweden) over going on holiday yourself.

It really is as simple as saying to your DP, "Sorry, I'm going to sit this one out as they're your friends, not mine, and it's important to me to have my own holiday".

I have attended weddings of my DH's friends before. When they're local and require a taxi or one night hotel stay at most. If he suggested I book a flight to attend a wedding of someone I didn't know, I'd be laughing at him. It's a question of boundaries.

sweetbellyhigh · 20/01/2022 18:33

@Keke94LND

I can't "make" you feel anything. Your feelings are your responsibility.

Honestly all of this is so me, me, me that it's breathtaking.

Have a little look outside your very narrow world and you may then appreciate the enormous privilege of your own.

Are you dealing with cancer or a mortgage sale or redundancy or bereavement or family violence?

Take ownership.

Set boundaries. It is all part of being a grown up.

Honestly, whining about weddings is just so tone deaf I don't know where to begin. Only you can flip this around and look at your life in a more positive light.

Keke94LND · 20/01/2022 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

sweetbellyhigh · 21/01/2022 02:48

@Keke94LND

Yes it's in chat, I saw that thank you 😊

Doesn't change a thing though.

And in fact the more you post, the more immature you sound. I mean, you're just whining and whining.

Make a plan, make some decisions, some choices, none of it is rocket science.

whitewashing · 21/01/2022 07:25

Then just say ‘no’ to the things you don’t want to go to. You don’t have to go all these expensive weddings, they won’t take you out and shoot for saying you’re not going. I don’t see your ‘problem.’

BogRollBOGOF · 21/01/2022 07:35

[quote sweetbellyhigh]@Keke94LND

Yes it's in chat, I saw that thank you 😊

Doesn't change a thing though.

And in fact the more you post, the more immature you sound. I mean, you're just whining and whining.

Make a plan, make some decisions, some choices, none of it is rocket science.[/quote]
You're whining and whining yourself. No one's making you engage with OP.

BogRollBOGOF · 21/01/2022 07:40

It's frustrating if normally with more spacing, you'd want to go to all these events but it is OK to politely decline and filter some of them out, or send DP on his own, especially with them being very distant with the associated time and financial cost.

I get it about life feeling taken over. All your plans were unilaterally swept away, then suddenly your calendar fills up of its own accord with other peoples' events leaving little time to enjoy your time and money.

GoodnightGrandma · 21/01/2022 07:43

Just say no. You’re getting stressed about something that is easy to control.
Do you have anxiety generally ?

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