Feel like my life is not my own

[Keke94LND]

This is more just a bit of a vent really and I'm sure a lot of people feel this way but last night I just started feeling so stressed and anxious.

I'm 27 and live with my DP in London, obviously we have had covid for the last 2 years, and I'll be honest, the first 4/5 months of covid I actually enjoyed it, I worked from home, spent time chilling in the garden as the weather was so good, but then it just went on and on and on and suddenly felt like life was over! So for the last 2 years we haven't been able to do anything (neither has anyone), covid is obviously still here but things are getting better and 2022 was looking better, but, I was thinking about everything I have on this year and none of the plans I have were actually made by me because I chose them or wanted to do them and it's stressing me out!

for example there is a massive backlog of weddings that were meant to take place over the last 2 years, DP's friends are getting married in Scotland in a couple of weeks, luckily we can stay at dp's parents house, but it'll still cost quite abit with trains, transport, drinks etc then we are going on holiday with dp's family next month (I am excited to finally be going on holiday after 2 years and I love his family but equally I didn't choose this holiday, I was invited along if that makes sense), a friend of mine who lives in the north is having a baby shower soon so that's another expensive weekend away, although I might actually say no to that one. Then a friend of dp's is getting married in Ireland in April so that'll probably be a long costly weekend away, a friend of both of ours is getting married in June in Scotland, on a Wednesday! And then later in June dp's friend is getting married in Sweden so we'll be going to that as well! I just feel like after 2 years of shit and doing nothing, we can now finally do stuff, but everything I have to do revolves around other people and is other peoples choice, I'm going to run out of annual leave and money to be able to do anything that I choose to do myself!

I know the easy answer is to start saying no the things, but I don't feel like I can, and dp really wants me to go with him to all these weddings.

The last time dp and I went away together just the two of us, to somewhere we chose to go, at a time we chose to go, was 2018! 4 years ago!

Does anyone else feel like this? I feel like I have no control over my own life sometimes

[quote sweetbellyhigh]@Keke94LND

Yes it's in chat, I saw that thank you 😊

Doesn't change a thing though.

And in fact the more you post, the more immature you sound. I mean, you're just whining and whining.

Make a plan, make some decisions, some choices, none of it is rocket science.[/quote]
🤣🤣🤣 you're funny. Next time I do my crisis line shift I might tell the person calling in to quit whining it's not like they're dealing with cancer, redundancy or a house sale (because house sales are as stressful as cancer apparently) without knowing whether they are actually dealing with any of those things or worse 🤣🤣 you should apply I think you'd be really good 🤣🤣

Well for the ones you want to go to, or indeed all of them, start pricing them out properly. I've never been to Sweden for example so turning that into a trip away as well as going to the wedding would be exciting. Flights are often hundreds of pounds cheaper if you go on different days.

Start pulling together a spreadsheet of the occasions and cost and maybe a score on how much you actually want to go, then try to spare enough funds for something for yourselves, it's still possible to have a cheap trip abroad if you choose an off peak destination and book your own accommodation.

I get you OP. Yes, there are worse problems to have but it can be exhausting doing things which means gift buying, travel expenses and insurances, long commutes, lack of rest, spending money for the various trips, having to be upbeat whilst there (but that's because I'm an introvert and people tire me out after a bit). Sounds stressful.

@rookiemere

Well for the ones you want to go to, or indeed all of them, start pricing them out properly. I've never been to Sweden for example so turning that into a trip away as well as going to the wedding would be exciting. Flights are often hundreds of pounds cheaper if you go on different days.

Start pulling together a spreadsheet of the occasions and cost and maybe a score on how much you actually want to go, then try to spare enough funds for something for yourselves, it's still possible to have a cheap trip abroad if you choose an off peak destination and book your own accommodation.

You're right, a trip to Sweden would be really nice, think I was having a bad day yesterday and it was all getting on top of me

I've been to restaurants a lot, the cinema multiple times, gigs, festivals, a couple of UK trips. Where do you live that you've been unable to do anything?

@SynchOrSwim

I've been to restaurants a lot, the cinema multiple times, gigs, festivals, a couple of UK trips. Where do you live that you've been unable to do anything?

Unable to do anything was an exaggeration. We have also been saving for a house which has obviously also limited what we have been able to do because of money

A friend had a lovely holiday in Stockholm in February - believe it or not. Went by ferry. Apparently you can walk everywhere and it was snowy and scenic.
Get onto those websites - by booking something away from the wedding the next day it can be short and sweet.

We got invited to a wedding abroad the year we were getting married and it was bit expensive. As it was my friend I went without DH, would that be an option for some of these events?

OP I think I'd try and tie up the weddings into minibreaks for you and DP. Sweden would be great to go too so go for a few extra days if you can and see the sights. I definitely had this in my 20s, DH's friends got married in Germany and we were so skint we drove! But actually it was great and I viewed it as a holiday for us with a wedding to attend on one of the days.

I think with so many things in life/mental load it's about how you frame it in your mind. You're going to have some mini holidays with DP, you're going to see friends and get to celebrate after a rubbish couple of years, try to enjoy them and not let it get on top of you.....you can say no if you really don't want to go.

Meanwhile I'd do some nice things with your DP or just for you. Go to the cinema, cook a fancy meal at home, have a bath with a glass of wine and some nice candles, choose a day to have a duvet day with DP and get loads of snacks, watch films and takeaway for dinner. It doesn't have to be expensive to make it special.

You're at that stage of life OP where all your friends are getting married. I remember it well. It's nice, but it's also a fucking PITA, because you want to go to people's weddings and you want them to come to yours, but at the same time it's a lot of money and time each time and when they all come at once it's actually a bit of a burden. I don't miss that stage of life at all!

In all honesty, you've got a DP problem, more than anything else, if he's not willing to sit down with you and agree either a plan of action to grab some time for yourselves or prioritise time away together. In the end, an invitation is just that. There will be some weddings you HAVE to go to - close, long-standing friends and family, for instance - but there will be others that you really don't and I would urge you to think twice about attending every single wedding.

Sweden is very expensive btw, so if you're wanting to cut costs, I probably wouldn't go to that.

If you feel like this about 2022, start planning for 2023 now and make yourself a priority! I'm self employed and it's too easy for me to get carried away booking in work etc and forget to take any time off, so I booked my time off first before releasing my diary to potential employers. I booked the time and the flights and now I'm committed to spending quality time with everyone I want to see (time with my sisters, weekend away with my mum, road trip with DH in Italy, island hopping in the Med) and feel like everything else will just have to fit in. Saying no is tough, but it's much easier if you've got a reason that people consider more valid, ie, can't go to the wedding as I'm in Italy, rather than I don't want to spend my limited budget flying to a destination of your choice!

I have to be honest my first reaction to your post was “poor you 🙄, you’ve been invited to loads of fun stuff”. I’m very envious!

I get that it’s a shame they are all bunched together rather than spread out, and that it’s expensive, and it uses up loads of time and leave. But it’s a nice problem to have really.

Pick the ones you think you will enjoy and say no to the others.

@minipie

I have to be honest my first reaction to your post was “poor you 🙄, you’ve been invited to loads of fun stuff”. I’m very envious!

I get that it’s a shame they are all bunched together rather than spread out, and that it’s expensive, and it uses up loads of time and leave. But it’s a nice problem to have really.

Pick the ones you think you will enjoy and say no to the others.

I think some people have given me abit of a hard time tbh.. I feel stressed and wanted to vent so came here as I don't have anyone I can vent to irl. I didn't say it was an awful problem but because I don't have cancer I'm not allowed to feel stressed like a normal human (not aimed at you but a pp) and it really isn't as easy as everyone says to just say no to weddings, although I am a people pleaser so that probably contributes to it

@Keke94LND

But that isn't what I said.

And the fact you jump to abusive says a lot about you.

I don't structure my responses according to what little category the thread has been assigned to. All my responses are just me, genuine.

You sound so powerless, it comes across as pathetic, and your aggressive response to replies speaks volumes.

Do you want to solve your problems or wallow in them?

If you don't want to do something then don't do it, it really is that simple.

And in the grand scheme of things yes your problems are minor and when you grow up you will cringe.

[quote sweetbellyhigh]@Keke94LND

But that isn't what I said.

And the fact you jump to abusive says a lot about you.

I don't structure my responses according to what little category the thread has been assigned to. All my responses are just me, genuine.

You sound so powerless, it comes across as pathetic, and your aggressive response to replies speaks volumes.

Do you want to solve your problems or wallow in them?

If you don't want to do something then don't do it, it really is that simple.

And in the grand scheme of things yes your problems are minor and when you grow up you will cringe.[/quote]
When I grow up? Haha Patronising thing to say to someone in their late 20s. Anyway you're boring me now, don't you have anything better to do?

[quote sweetbellyhigh]@Keke94LND

But that isn't what I said.

And the fact you jump to abusive says a lot about you.

I don't structure my responses according to what little category the thread has been assigned to. All my responses are just me, genuine.

You sound so powerless, it comes across as pathetic, and your aggressive response to replies speaks volumes.

Do you want to solve your problems or wallow in them?

If you don't want to do something then don't do it, it really is that simple.

And in the grand scheme of things yes your problems are minor and when you grow up you will cringe.[/quote]
One last thing because you need to learn some empathy and not assume so much about the people you interact with. When I was 11, my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, my dad couldn't deal with it and so he left, I had to grow up quickly as I have two younger siblings, I used do everything for my mum and everything for my siblings because my mum couldn't, thankfully she survived at that time. When I was 20 my 16 year old sister developed an eating disorder and was sectioned, my brother was 14 and couldn't handle any of it, he started rebelling and got in with the wrong crowd and started shop lifting, I dealt with all of it and still do, my sister is better but will never truly fully recover but my brother is more difficult and complicated. In 2018 my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer again and she died in October 2019, I cared for her for just over a year. Then 5 months later we went into lockdown which really wasn't good for my sister in particular. People deal with stress in different ways, I could never let myself become stressed over my family problems, because my family have always needed me to NOT get stressed, but I'm human so yeah, I stress about the small stuff instead, I get stressed out when the internet doesn't work, I get stressed out when the neighbours are being noisy, I get stressed out when the car won't start, and I get stressed out when I have too many events on, all great problems to have in the grand scheme of things but that's where my stress comes out. You can't just assume that because somebody is stressed over something you perceive as small, that that means they're a delicate snowflake who doesn't know what real life is or really problems are. I know what real life is.

Just wanted to say how much I understand what you're saying here, in fact your post came up because I Googled "my life is not my own". I can see some comments indicating that some people don't get it, so although this doesn't really help you, I just wanted to let you know that I FULLY get it!