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Original poster

How do you discipline a 3 year old and control his bossiness?

29 replies

Georgepigismylife · 19/01/2022 18:54

My 3 year old is incredibly bossy. Almost every single task his 'his turn' and it's a manic panic to make sure he pushes me out the way to take over. I let him do as much as I can but sometimes i just need to get stuff done and it's just crazy.
Also he's incredibly bossy with me, everything has to done the way he wants it, telling me off, telling me no. Not that way, This way etc.

The trouble is I'm struggling with how to deal with his behaviour. Today I got really fed up and told him off so he put his fingers in his ears.

I need some direct words or advice on what to do and how to handle it please. I feel I'm really crap with the toddler years 😭

OP posts:
User0ne · 19/01/2022 19:04

Honestly? He's 3. Try to see the funny side and laugh about it. Otherwise redirect him to something else that he can* do to be helpful.

Both mine (dc1 is now 5, dc2 is 3) love a handheld hoover, mopping, chopping things, a tidy up race (against a timer, not me) etc

BurntToastAgain · 19/01/2022 19:07

Give him ways of doing it alongside you. His own version.

Give him better ways of finding a sense of control. Offer simple choices (would you like the blue socks or the green ones?).

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Behaviour & development Families
PinkSyCo · 19/01/2022 19:10

I think most kids go through a bossy stage but I do think, although it’s important to let them feel like they get some say in what’s going on, you have to nip overbossiness in the bud otherwise nobody is going to want to be his friend at nursery/school.

Original poster
Georgepigismylife · 19/01/2022 19:11

It's quite hard to see the funny side when it's all day everyday. That's actually made me feel even shitter!

I do give him a choice of socks, coat, tops, breakfast. He has 2 choices with most things. That's not the issue at all 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Georgepigismylife · 19/01/2022 19:12

@SmellyOldOwls Thank you. I will take a look

OP posts:
Original poster
Georgepigismylife · 19/01/2022 19:12

@PinkSyCo How though?

OP posts:
musicalfrog · 19/01/2022 19:13

I do think it's important they learn to show respect and ask nicely. The younger they are the easier it will come to them. So I would definitely model how you would like him to speak when he starts bossing you around.

Don't laugh like a pp suggested. He will only do it more if he gets a favourable reaction!

WarriorN · 19/01/2022 19:15

Mine is VERY bossy at the moment - solidarity!

"Toddler disclipline without shame" is a better book than it sounds, v supportive.

"How to talk so they'll listen and listen so they'll talk for younger kids" is another good book. (The older version works on adults!)

PinkSyCo · 19/01/2022 19:21

PinkSyCo How though?

Just tell him firmly “No, it’s my turn”. Or “ No we’re doing it this way” followed with a short explanation if you wish. If he fusses and/or cries just ignore him. If he pushes you tell him off. I disagree with previous poster who said you should ignore these behaviours. YOU are the boss of him and I actually think you letting him know that will make him feel more secure.

RedWingBoots · 19/01/2022 19:22

you have to nip overbossiness in the bud otherwise nobody is going to want to be his friend at nursery/school.

Both mine and my friend's bossy toddlers have friends at nursery. Funny thing is they know not to boss each other around but everyone else is fair game.

Theyellowflamingo · 19/01/2022 19:22

I just used to ignore mine when they got bossy. Told them I listened to polite requests not orders. I allow choices and preferences and participation where I can but I am absolutely not being dictated to or told off by a small child. And I don’t think it does them any favours with their peers either.

Pushing me, continuing to be rude or repeatedly ignoring my instructions would result in a very firm telling off or time sitting on the bottom of the stairs. And I made sure bossiness never paid - ask nicely and I might acquiesce, boss me around and tell me off and I will make very sure you don’t get your own way.

I think you also have to set an example and model what you want - so you and the other grown ups in his life need to model asking nicely, taking turns, yielding to someone else’s preference etc. And give him the tools he needs - so if he tells you to “get out the way”, you say “that’s rude, but if you say “excuse me please” I’d be happy to move for you”. Reward the good behaviour!

Does he go to any kind of group setting? Mine improved once they went to preschool and they realised that the world wasn’t going to revolve around them all the time!

Original poster
Georgepigismylife · 19/01/2022 19:31

@Theyellowflamingo Thank you!
In my head this is the way I want to live too, in the moment it's all just manic and I feel totally out of control. I agree though, I don't want a small child bossing me around!

He goes to nursery once a week but starts preschool in Easter

OP posts:
Wineisoverrated · 19/01/2022 19:32

Thank god I’ve found my people!

Why are boys SO BOSSY?!

One thing that’s quite a-typical I’ve found that works is to respond in ways he’ll understand. He’s was three so I would respond like I’m three. God that makes me sound like I’ve lost the plot.

‘He’d snatch/tell me what I HAD to play with/I don’t WANT that one/you HAVE to do xyz.’

I’d usually respond ‘you’re being really bossy. I’m not having fun. I don’t like playing with you when you don’t let me play properly.’ ‘You’re not letting me have my turn’ ‘stop snatching you’re hurting my feelings’ I’d then take myself away and 9/10 he’d come and ask to play again and his behaviour would improve after a sulk.

Strong willed kids are SO HARD especially when I’m not a strong willed adult 😂 DH is quiet as a mouse too so I don’t know where he gets it!

CorsicaDreaming · 19/01/2022 19:35

If you can afford to I'd send him to nursery more often or other settings where he must interact with others and take turns. He needs more time where he is not ruling the roost. It will also help if he has a bit more separation and independence from you now for when he starts pre school.

And it will give you some well earned me time!

PinkSyCo · 19/01/2022 19:35

Why are boys SO BOSSY?!

It is definitely not just boys, but perhaps parents let boys get away with it more.

pawpatrolneedaunion · 19/01/2022 19:36

Get some orchard games and practice turn taking. Put the game away if he gets bossy with it and explain why.

Don't do things unless he asks nicely (please thank you etc.) And operate the " you can have this when you have been polite" approach.

pawpatrolneedaunion · 19/01/2022 19:37

And if all else fails choose favourite character and peer pressure it: "well I know that iron Man takes turns nicely" Grin

PinkMoon22 · 19/01/2022 19:37

I kept saying no mummy's turn, patience whilst mummy has a go, your turn in a minute.
I kept repeating this as much as I could stand and it worked.

If he was to kick off or push I would be firm with him and tell him off and walk away.

We all need a lot of patience with toddlers but they do end up getting it.

Is he at nursery?

Wineisoverrated · 19/01/2022 19:40

@PinkSyCo

Why are boys SO BOSSY?!

It is definitely not just boys, but perhaps parents let boys get away with it more.

I felt this way before I had my son but I parent him the exact same way as I did my daughter and I have to do so much more behavioural management. It’s the same with my nephews. I don’t know if our girls are just very calm or our boys are overly strong willed. I can absolutely confirm I don’t let him get away with a JOT! There’s nothing worse than the ‘boys will be boys’ parenting!
pawpatrolneedaunion · 19/01/2022 19:43

I think boys struggle with emotions more. My DS(2) has very good language but even though he can communicate he still has tantrums because it all just seems to overload him. My DD never had tantrums!

Shapiro · 19/01/2022 19:44

Sounds like he might be a future Prime Minister!

I found girls were worse than boys for being bossy! One of my friends had a daughter that aged three I used to look after and I had to ask her mother if she would consider changing her daughters name to Attila the Hun!

Her mother agreed!

They do grow out of it once they realise that other children do g want to be bosses around.

musicalfrog · 19/01/2022 19:46

Oh please can we stop the generalisations?

My dd is way more bossy than my ds. So what? Kids are kids.

scaredsadandstuck · 19/01/2022 19:57

OP you don't need to be super nice to him in the moment or make everything a game. A firm "Er, no thank you. It's my turn/I'm doing this. You need to wait" is fine. He won't break or be scared for life. He might be cross, but that's ok. You just need to acknowledge it e.g. "I know you're mad that I won't let you do xyz'. It's fine to be angry. You're not allowed to push or hurt me" and firmly but gently move him away from you if he's physical.

And then loads of OTT praise for any behaviour you want to see. If you play and he waits a turn, go mad for it - pretend shock "this isn't little Jimmy. Where's he gone? Who are you?" And then when he inevitably says it's me you do the whole "oh my goodness I'm so proud of you. You took turns really nicely. Wow. High five" etc. They lap it up!

scaredsadandstuck · 19/01/2022 19:59

@musicalfrog

Oh please can we stop the generalisations?

My dd is way more bossy than my ds. So what? Kids are kids.

And 100% agree. I've two DS - neither particularly bossy, one slightly more so than the other. Same applies to my Dnieces - one bossy, one not so much.
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