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Original poster

So tell me something good about being in your forties...

65 replies

bookworm1982 · 19/01/2022 12:20

Hello, I read a thread on here recently asking people what they missed about their youth. I found the thread utterly depressing and had to stop reading halfway through - just loads of posts about how shit it is to get old and how being in your twenties and thirties is the best.

I turn 40 in March and I feel down every time I think about it. I think the reason is because I have terrible health anxiety, which seems to get worse as I get older. My dad died of cancer when he was 40, my grandmother died of cancer when she was 43, and my mum got cancer in her early fifties (but she is still alive now). So, for me, reaching my 40s is terrifying - more health worries, and more chance of getting the dreaded cancer that I fear so much.

I have, however, discovered that whenever I ask people how they feel or felt in their 40s, and their reply is positive, it makes me feel so much better - hence why I have started this thread! I just want to be reminded that getting old is not too bad, or being middle-aged.

Thank you in advance everyone!! (by the way, by health anxiety is being dealt with)

OP posts:
Akire · 19/01/2022 13:28

It made me into another stuff this shit person. No more people pleasing, take no rubbish. Expect things to be certain standard, no more putting up crap service without complaining!

Realising no one cares what I wear or what I look like and all those oh can I wear this saga is just replaced with do I like it, is it comfy and practical.

zafferana · 19/01/2022 13:30

I'm finding it much easier to sit with 'I don't know' and 'I don't care'. I don't chase certainty the way I used to, and that brings me a great sense of peace. I stay out of other people's business, and I'm less judgemental than I used to be

Yes! This too. I try never to get caught up in other people's business/drama - not my circus, not my monkeys. Let them get on with it, but FGS don't involve me! I also don't get involved in other people's convoluted arrangements - it's one of my 'golden rules' and my god it's like made life a whole lot easier.

Original poster
bookworm1982 · 19/01/2022 13:30

@Lottapianos

'I learned to say NO. I also learned to accept offers of help graciously and accept compliments and to give them!'

Same here. I don't think anything is quite as empowering as learning to say no in an assertive way. Makes me feel proud of myself about how far I have come as a people pleaser in recovery!

I'm finding it much easier to sit with 'I don't know' and 'I don't care'. I don't chase certainty the way I used to, and that brings me a great sense of peace. I stay out of other people's business, and I'm less judgemental than I used to be

I look and feel better than I did in my 20s because I prioritise my health in a way I never did before

I like myself so much more than I used to! For all the reasons above. I really get a kick out of this 😃

Yep, I want all this! Don't know if I'll ever be good at saying no though Confused I am such a people-pleaser. Which isn't exactly a good thing.
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Original poster
bookworm1982 · 19/01/2022 13:31

@playmelikeasymphony

I was 40 at the end of December. I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason it seems like a big deal to me is because my Mum turning 40 was part of a big celebration in our house (she was 40, Dad was 50 the same year) and it’s the first milestone age I remember my parents reaching. Once I realised that 40 didn’t seem so scary.

So far 40 is a good place, not so different to late 30s just a but weird when my GP said “now you’re 40…” as part of a conversation the other day.

So true! I remember my mums 40th party - it was at home and was a really big deal. Also my dad had a big party too, but that was also a kind of farewell party too, as he was very ill at this point. No party for me thanks Confused
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Original poster
bookworm1982 · 19/01/2022 13:33

@itspartytime

40 is the age where you realise that all people are wallies so you start to pick the ones who are less wallyish or with stupid behaviour you can tolerate, and the let the others fall by the wayside. It's a time when you notice you like yourself and your ideas. It's a time when your hair finally does what you want it to ( well mine did ). It's a time you find happiness in unusual places. I'm sorry that it's a time that has been bad for your family, and I hope that all will be rosy for you . Try not to worry about what you can't alter.
Wallies Grin Yes plenty of those around 🤣
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Original poster
bookworm1982 · 19/01/2022 13:34

@zafferana

I'm finding it much easier to sit with 'I don't know' and 'I don't care'. I don't chase certainty the way I used to, and that brings me a great sense of peace. I stay out of other people's business, and I'm less judgemental than I used to be

Yes! This too. I try never to get caught up in other people's business/drama - not my circus, not my monkeys. Let them get on with it, but FGS don't involve me! I also don't get involved in other people's convoluted arrangements - it's one of my 'golden rules' and my god it's like made life a whole lot easier.

Great attitude, this Grin
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80sMum · 19/01/2022 13:42

It's all relative! To me, at sixty-four, forty is young! I remember dreading being 40, but actually it felt no different to 39. And indeed 50 didn't feel any different from 49 and ditto, 60.

Don't worry about getting older. It will happen whether you worry or not. Just live your life.
I am reminded of these words from the song, The Rose:

"It's the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dying

…..That never learns to live."

Original poster
bookworm1982 · 19/01/2022 13:45

@80sMum

It's all relative! To me, at sixty-four, forty is young! I remember dreading being 40, but actually it felt no different to 39. And indeed 50 didn't feel any different from 49 and ditto, 60.

Don't worry about getting older. It will happen whether you worry or not. Just live your life.
I am reminded of these words from the song, The Rose:

"It's the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dying

…..That never learns to live."

Wow. That poem just made me well up ❤️
OP posts:
Original poster
bookworm1982 · 19/01/2022 13:47

@80sMum

It's all relative! To me, at sixty-four, forty is young! I remember dreading being 40, but actually it felt no different to 39. And indeed 50 didn't feel any different from 49 and ditto, 60.

Don't worry about getting older. It will happen whether you worry or not. Just live your life.
I am reminded of these words from the song, The Rose:

"It's the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dying

…..That never learns to live."

Just realised what song this is Grin never paid attention to the lyrics before!
OP posts:
draramallama · 19/01/2022 14:08

My mum always says to me that getting old is great - it means you're not dead!

My philosophy too. Grin

I also sort of find that embracing the ways my body has changed as I get older makes it easier to be less frightened of mortality because I'm not in a constant depressing state of denial or fighting against it. Things change, it's just part of living.

Beating yourself up for how you felt in your twenties/thirties is a waste of energy that won't make you feel good. You don't want to look back in another ten years and beat yourself up for spending a decade beating yourself up for how you lived the previous decade. Wink

Also, I think it's exciting to reach a point where you have this library of life experiences and learning to call upon to guide you and to keep things in perspective. Don't mourn that you hadn't developed that yet at twenty (nobody has), enjoy having it now.

Basically - stay in the present rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about a hypothetical future.

itwasntaparty · 19/01/2022 14:13

I don't give a fuck what other people think of me is very freeing!

BlondeDogLady · 19/01/2022 14:27

I'm 52 (recent birthday), and am enjoying life! My DH is still in his 40's - only just.

  • Mortgage almost paid off
  • No debts
  • Savings in the bank
  • Both on good salaries, with very little outgoings now that children are grown
  • Still both fairly fit and good looking, lol
  • Kids are grown up, Uni all finished and they all have amazing jobs
  • If we are not working, we can lie in as long as we like
  • Get to go to the Caribbean every year (covid permitting)
  • Work aside, we can do what we like, when we like
  • Having loads of confidence that we didn't have when younger
  • No responsibilities apart from our work
  • If we are off work we can be completely spontaneous : Fancy going to the beach today, then going for cocktails tonight? Sure, let's go!
  • Planning retirement in 6 years time : plan to work p/t in my self employed job March to October, then bugger off to the sun from November thru February
BlondeDogLady · 19/01/2022 14:34

@80sMum

It's all relative! To me, at sixty-four, forty is young! I remember dreading being 40, but actually it felt no different to 39. And indeed 50 didn't feel any different from 49 and ditto, 60.

Don't worry about getting older. It will happen whether you worry or not. Just live your life.
I am reminded of these words from the song, The Rose:

"It's the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dying

…..That never learns to live."

Wow, that is lovely! It reminds me a little bit of this quote (the sentiments) :

"The Ship is safe in the Harbour, but that's not what Ships are for".

Spurs me on to take a leap of faith if required!

Snog · 19/01/2022 15:21

lithub.com/want-to-be-happy-live-like-an-woman-over-50/
Seemingly the happiest people in the uk are women age 65 to 79

Also single women are statistically happier and healthier than married women.

Icenii · 19/01/2022 15:28

I took up martial arts and have private sparring lessons a couple of times each week. It's exhilarating and I'm fit! It can be embarrassing when you make silly mistakes or can't be perfect but I don't give a damm. I'd have been too self conscious when I was younger.

Sunnysideup999 · 19/01/2022 15:30

Same as my 30s really. I can do all the same things, look pretty much the same (few more wrinkles coming in but that’s not a big deal) , into the same stuff etc.
I prefer being older - in my 20s i was broke and working my arse off studying and/or starting out in my career.
Now in my 40s I have more money to look better - and I think I have better taste in clothing, people, interiors etc.
I feel wiser and more aware too. I don’t consider myself old at all.

Ploppy1322 · 19/01/2022 15:40

I'm now 44 and the best thing about it is I give zero fucks what people think of me anymore. I obsessed as a younger person too.much, am I too fat, too thin, too quiet, too loud etc etc.

edwinbear · 19/01/2022 16:04

I don't care what people think of me.
I do the things I want to.
I don't do things I don't want to - and don't feel guilty about it.
I'm financially secure.
I'm confident enough to speak up, both at work and in my personal life.
I don't sweat the small stuff, and am wise enough to understand what I have the influence to change and what I don't.

Basically, I don't get walked over by people anymore. It's very liberating.

StopStartStop · 19/01/2022 16:06

Being in your forties is when you discover that you can do what the heck you like and you're still young enough to enjoy it.

Floundery · 19/01/2022 16:20

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Tmwtgg · 19/01/2022 16:25

I love it. Financially much more secure than in my earlier years. Career is going strong and I expect it to stay that way as I don't think I've reached my earnings peak yet.

The absolute best thing is realising you don't care what people think. And that you are pretty comfortable in your skin even if there are a few lines and extra pounds on it!! I am much more settled in myself, I'm so much happier in my 40s than I have been at any other time.

Tmwtgg · 19/01/2022 16:27

Oh and being mostly invisible to street harassment from men, presumably because my unmade bitchy resting face and middle aged arse in Matalan leggings doesn't meet the requirements for the male gaze. It's bliss.

Original poster
bookworm1982 · 19/01/2022 16:29

@Tmwtgg

Oh and being mostly invisible to street harassment from men, presumably because my unmade bitchy resting face and middle aged arse in Matalan leggings doesn't meet the requirements for the male gaze. It's bliss.
Ha ha! Yeah I've noticed that! Literally never get checked out anymore!
OP posts:
Original poster
bookworm1982 · 19/01/2022 16:32

@Sunnysideup999

Same as my 30s really. I can do all the same things, look pretty much the same (few more wrinkles coming in but that’s not a big deal) , into the same stuff etc. I prefer being older - in my 20s i was broke and working my arse off studying and/or starting out in my career. Now in my 40s I have more money to look better - and I think I have better taste in clothing, people, interiors etc. I feel wiser and more aware too. I don’t consider myself old at all.
This is true. Some of my friends in their 40s look amazing, way better than they did in their younger days, as they now have the money for facials and better clothes etc xxx
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Original poster
bookworm1982 · 19/01/2022 16:36

@Floundery

Being in your 40's means being able to afford good wine and good clothes. I cannot imagine drinking shit wine or wearing synthetic fibres ever again.

No longer GAF also helps. I suddenly became attractive to men for the first time, and I'm not (and have never been) an oil painting. I realised it was because I no longer cared if they fancied me/spoke to me/thought I was gorgeous or not. I've never had so many offers! (Had to turn them all down cos I somehow inveigled DH into marrying me at 39....miracles do happen, as my DM said in her speech! Grin )

On the cancer front, does the cancer have a genetic link? If so, ask your GP to refer you for genetic screening. I got cancer at a young age (another bummer about my 20's and 30's) and have ended up on 2 different genetic screening programmes. They have already picked up some early changes. It is a really good way to take charge of the situation ime and might help with the health anxiety.

My mum doesn't carry the gene for breast cancer, they put the fact that she and her mother had it down to bad luck Confused This is a relief but of course I am still higher risk. And my dad and his dad died of bowel cancer (forgot to mention that in my original post - grandad died of cancer too Confused) I have colonoscopies every few years. We're on top of it, I hope xxx
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