Does anyone else struggle with the past a bit? Embarrassed by myself

[Timesachanging]

I just feel like I've done things quite wrong. I was a cow in secondary school, clung on to the popular group but never really felt expected. I was a bit desperate with them all, quite attention seeking and probably annoying. I was a bit of a bully to others not in my group. I was very insecure and acted the other way. When I actually left school I very quickly lost touch with absolutely everyone. I don't have a single friend from secondary school. I'm not even friends with anyone on Facebook, I've looked once or twice over the years and they all seem to be close still.

I went to a college over an hour away from my school, as I wanted a fresh start where no one knew me. I completely over sexualised myself in college. I cringe at what I used to wear, how I used to act, would talk blatantly sexual in front of boys thinking it was attractive. I started smoking weed, doing coke and mdma regularly. I fell into the popular group but a very different type than in school, it was all very drug oriented and the 'edgy' girls. One group of girls was friends with one group of boys, probably about 20 of us in total. I slept with a few of the boys. The girls all lived there and were very close since childhood, I was getting buses for nearly 3 hours a day to be there. I felt left out, naturally by distance, and was always a bit on the outside. Again insecurity made me cling to them, never felt 'cool' enough for them, tried to dress like them, act like them, just tried to be everything apart from myself, I remember one of the boys saying to another he didn't like me as I had no personality, I wasn't meant to know but it hit me so hard because it was true, I was just a mirror to people around me, no wonder I didn't form close relationships, I was just pretending.

Left college, again I'm not in contact with any of them now. Still follow them all on social media, they're all still close friends and have all moved on from the drug scene now.

I think I just feel very lonely and cut off from my past. I wish I'd just been my bloody self. I had my moments but I wasn't a mean enough person to end up with no one from my past. I think there just wasn't anything genuine about me for people to really like, I'm 27 now and a mum of two, I've made a couple of mum friends and I do have one very close friend I met in my early twenties and I'm very grateful for. I've had therapy, worked on my insecurities and I do know who I am now. I guess I just feel sad about it.

Most people have some friends from their past, and I feel like the two big stages of my childhood/teenage years have left me with nothing. I feel I let a lot of boys disrespect me. I cringe at how I sexualised myself so much, how easy and quickly I put out to try and be liked. I don't know what I expect to come from this, as I can't change it. I just find it all hard to accept. Does anyone else feel a bit like this?

Oh, and my first ever post on mumsnet was written almost in a version of text speak where I was aggressively questioning why people kept staring at me in the street (as a pregnant 19 year old who looked around 16). I could cringe myself inside out at that one. But I just accept that I was immature because people at 19 are immature! It’s not a flaw, it’s just that you haven’t finished maturing yet. Everybody needs to go through that stage to become a fully fledged adult.

I cringe daily about the dumb things I used to say and do age 15-25. I wasn't in your situation, the opposite really. I was too shy to speak to anyone and too lacking in social skills to make any friends.

If it's any help, I wish I had been like you. I wish I could have had friends at the time (even if I didn't keep in touch with them after uni), tried drugs, gone to a party, had sex. I'd still be cringing but at least I'd have had an experience apart from sitting alone in my room in my parents house.

That probably doesn't help. Maybe this story will help. I was so lazy at uni I couldn't be bothered to do washing so I wore socks 3-4 times. Another student told me my feet smelled! Cringe!

I feel similarly to you about my past and think it's pretty common. As a child and teen I was a complete brat and compulsive liar. I didn't lie about anything serious but just daft things to make myself seem cooler to my peers than I actually was. I'm sure everyone knew and were too embarrassed for me to call me out on it. I had a very high sense of self importance and could be quite mean, but I was also ridiculously insecure at the same time. I also sexualised myself a lot and placed far too much importance on what lads thought of me. I cringe so much when I look back and I'm nothing like that person 20 years later.

You can’t regret the past. It’s made you the person you are today. Forgive yourself and live your best life going forward.

Oh darling. Sounds like you were a normal teenager! Forgive yourself and decide who you want to be now. It's completely up to you. Good therapy (not cbd) and yoga with adriene helped me xxx

I'm not much older than you and I have similar history. Rebelled massively. I was 'liked' because my (terrible) behaviour amused people. But I was always on the outside and never really missed. I recently drifted from my "best friend" who was the only person from my past, and realise now that she was just doing the same as I was. I have a friend from college who im in contact with but we're not really close, she's struggling to find herself. I know who I am now, and have for about 8 years, but before that I just tried to fit in/be someone else sort of thing. Made some very dangerous choices, also managed to keep it all from my parents somehow. I think it was a very difficult time to be a teen. Social media was just emerging, we were meeting strangers off the internet from chatrooms because school internet settings were so easy to bypass. Fags were from 16 and I could buy them at 12 and I could buy drink by 14. It was all about being a super cool smoker who drinks and pops pills and sneaks out of school to Gregg's at dinner time then down the back lane to snog your 19 year old boyfriend who'd drive you back to school.
I don't miss those people, I'm lucky they're not about to tell the stories.