Does anyone else struggle with the past a bit? Embarrassed by myself

[Timesachanging]

I just feel like I've done things quite wrong. I was a cow in secondary school, clung on to the popular group but never really felt expected. I was a bit desperate with them all, quite attention seeking and probably annoying. I was a bit of a bully to others not in my group. I was very insecure and acted the other way. When I actually left school I very quickly lost touch with absolutely everyone. I don't have a single friend from secondary school. I'm not even friends with anyone on Facebook, I've looked once or twice over the years and they all seem to be close still.

I went to a college over an hour away from my school, as I wanted a fresh start where no one knew me. I completely over sexualised myself in college. I cringe at what I used to wear, how I used to act, would talk blatantly sexual in front of boys thinking it was attractive. I started smoking weed, doing coke and mdma regularly. I fell into the popular group but a very different type than in school, it was all very drug oriented and the 'edgy' girls. One group of girls was friends with one group of boys, probably about 20 of us in total. I slept with a few of the boys. The girls all lived there and were very close since childhood, I was getting buses for nearly 3 hours a day to be there. I felt left out, naturally by distance, and was always a bit on the outside. Again insecurity made me cling to them, never felt 'cool' enough for them, tried to dress like them, act like them, just tried to be everything apart from myself, I remember one of the boys saying to another he didn't like me as I had no personality, I wasn't meant to know but it hit me so hard because it was true, I was just a mirror to people around me, no wonder I didn't form close relationships, I was just pretending.

Left college, again I'm not in contact with any of them now. Still follow them all on social media, they're all still close friends and have all moved on from the drug scene now.

I think I just feel very lonely and cut off from my past. I wish I'd just been my bloody self. I had my moments but I wasn't a mean enough person to end up with no one from my past. I think there just wasn't anything genuine about me for people to really like, I'm 27 now and a mum of two, I've made a couple of mum friends and I do have one very close friend I met in my early twenties and I'm very grateful for. I've had therapy, worked on my insecurities and I do know who I am now. I guess I just feel sad about it.

Most people have some friends from their past, and I feel like the two big stages of my childhood/teenage years have left me with nothing. I feel I let a lot of boys disrespect me. I cringe at how I sexualised myself so much, how easy and quickly I put out to try and be liked. I don't know what I expect to come from this, as I can't change it. I just find it all hard to accept. Does anyone else feel a bit like this?

I have zero people in my life that pre-date me being 25. Similar to you it took me that long to find my feet in my own skin.
I'm now 45 and really happy as my life is now built on who I am really. So what if it took you a while to understand that there is no magic formula and being yourself is OK... Some people just don't have the start in life that would allow that, or it takes a while for that lesson to be learnt.
The important thing is that you and millions of others are in the same boat, but now you know what you're about you can build from here. Which is fun. Don't waste time worrying about then. Delete the links on social media, I love having no idea what all those people are doing now, it's so freeing!

I try my best not to think about the past too much. I’m well aware I’ve made mistakes and done some horribly embarrassing things over the years but I’m human and I think every single human has done this at some point. It’s easy to berate yourself but it’s also totally futile, you can’t change the past.

Op, i'm 60 and I still go red and hot when things I did in my much younger past pop into my head. Like you both in school and college on to university. I finished with someone I thought so much of because I had embarrassed myself so often in front of his friends and family (getting drunk mainly!) He was vey hurt. I couldn't articulate why to him.I just wanted a fresh start and to forget it all. Still went on to mess up further! Ok.now (I think) owing to growing up and maturing.

I do cringe looking back at certain things I did. I don't think you will find many people who don't, it's part of growing up. I could be a right little self centred twat at 15/16. I thought I was absolutely brilliant and the world revolved around me. I remember having a massive screaming strop at my poor mum when I didn't want to go college one day and because I was basically showing off in front of my boyfriend . Also thinking it was cool that we got served in the local dodgy pub at 14 and how we obviously in hindsight didn't look cool at all, but like a silly little kid.
It took a really dark turn when I got pregnant and had a termination at 15. That makes me look back with horror at what I was doing.
Don't beat yourself up about it OP

Not I word I use often, but I was a total dick at University and in my early 20's. Made a lot of selfish decisions. Treated people loyal to me badly. Treated people bad to me loyally. Really shitty set of values where sexual relationships were concerned. Also was a total drama llama and very big on making a scene - no class at all.

Consequently, I have pretty much cut myself off from anyone I knew during that period of my life because I'm hugely embarrassed and ashamed. (Although have maintained some good friends from before and after that period.)

I regret a lot. But try to be a better person these days. It's all you can do - reflect, learn, apologise where necessary, improve and move on....

You sound so lovely, thoughtful and self aware.
I think lots people regret their teens, having done too much or not enough!
I lost contact with my school friend group due to some dodgy behaviour on both sides and I feel melancholy when I see that they are all still in contact.
And like you I used my sexual attractiveness to feel good after going through quite a traumatic time and obviously that worked brilliantly…
But I’m 15 years older than you and I do now have positive secure friendships. Some from being a mum, some from college/Uni, some from work. No single tribe but a small collection of people who I can be myself with.
You sound in a much better place now and will hopefully draw good people to you in time.

Well, I didn't do anything like that, and I have one friend from my pre-university days -- the vast majority of my current close friends I made from the ages of 26/27 till now (49). I'm a socially confident person who makes friends easily in adulthood, I just think that I hadn't become my self fully in my schooldays (which I hated), and was imbibing weird messages from my shy, socially-awkward mother, who doesn't have a friend in the world and has some very odd ideas about friendship.

So I wouldn't in the least feel that it's in any way anomalous or pitiable not to have friends from your schooldays.

Yes! I wish I'd just been myself and not tied myself in knots trying to get people to like me. I wish I'd valued myself more and not used sex to get men to like me.

I know how you feel and I ended up seeing a wonderful counsellor about it.

You're not alone and there really is nothing new under the sun. When you think about that time, remember how far you have come and what you have learned from the experience.

You are uncomfortable with your past becuase you have grown as a person, please try to hold onto that.

Gosh I wish I'd had this thread a year ago when I was having these very same thoughts! Courage OP, you'll get through this!

You couldn't be yourself OP because you didn't have the self esteem to feel 'you' were good enough and you didn't know who 'you' were. Childhood and especially the teenage years are difficult, there is so much to learn. It sounds like you learnt from your mistakes so what more can you ask for.

I think that a lot of people on the periphery of the “in group” at secondary school behave like that. It’s natural to want to belong and to be accepted when you’re a teen.

Loads of people on this thread are being so so hard on themselves.

Regarding your behaviour:

OP, when you're a teen / early 20s your prefrontal cortex is not fully developed.

You were a bit of a knob when you were younger because your brain was literally underdeveloped.

Regarding maintaining friendships:

Sounds like the people you were friends with weren't your sort of people. People drift apart it's completely normal. And sometimes a good thing because you have nothing in common other than being at the same stage of your life!

Focus on building the friendships you want to build for you right now. What do you like doing? Can you build friendships around work, hobbies, events?

Crikey, I did, said and thought all sorts of stupid things when I was young. Like you, I look back at my teenage/early 20s and cringe with shame.

OP You’re allowed to be a human being and make mistakes. Believe me, no one is perfect. 💐

I'm not in contact with anyone from school. My friends are from work current and past jobs. I have an older friend from my local area growing up. I have good friends but many of them are busy with their families. Arranging a meet up can be exhausting.

I regret the friends I choose to be close with in school and a few years after leaving. I should have stayed closes to other friends and my life would have turned out differently in a positive way. So many wrong choices throughout my life.

You're not alone. It's lovely you have a family of your own.
I've ended up with nothing which is painful at times. The pandemic re-enforced the sense of poor choices and how I'm just not a priority to anyone. It made me understand why many people are desperate to settle down.

I was quite nerdy and was bullied at secondary school and then when I went to sixth form I became a total bitch and badly bullied two girls in particular. I look back and am so ashamed, I have no friends from school and they must all remember me as a nasty cow.

All I can say is that is not the person I am now, it's not even really the person I was back then but I made some stupid mistakes. I'm in my 30s now and have grown into myself, I'm more sure of who I am and have tried to learn from past mistakes and channel that into being a better person going forwards. That's all I can do really, I think you need to give yourself permission to let go of things from your past and move forewards. Learn from them, then move on.

I was similar at times, I cringe when I think back.

Ultimately though, I can’t go back and change the past. I accept I was a different person then and behaved badly, but honestly, it wasn’t all my fault. If you can’t get over it alone, and it’s really affecting your mental health, then counselling can help.

Maybe have a look at child / adolescent development OP - your brain isn't finished until 25 ish in terms of cognitive development and executive (decision making) function. So don't be so hard on yourself. And when you're a teenager you're descion making is notoriously lousy because you haven't the empathy or foresight or life experience and are prone to take risks, single track thinking and hormones are raging...and so on.
I left my hometown at 22 about to turn 23 and have no friends from before then. I was a bit of a messed up not very nice person. It does make me a bit sad, DH is still friends with people from high school and infants but it's done now and I've been without them longer than I was with them.

Do you like who you are now? I think that's the most important thing. You can think of your past as realms in a video game you were passing through, trying on different personalities for size, until you found one you liked and wanted to stick with.

Also searching for / questioning identity and looking for a tribe is common as you are pulling away from family / parents and towards independence

Oh god yes, this is me. I cringe about most of my behaviour until about 35 to be honest! My best friend is someone I met 5 years ago (I'm 42) and I'm so glad she doesn't know the old me! I think I was just very immature and desperate to fit in. I also hung around on the edge of groups and slept around a bit, hoping the things would lead to acceptance and popularity. They never really did. Don't feel bad OP. You sound like a lovely and insightful person. Try to let it go.

I recently found an old online blog of mine from 10-15 years back. I have had horrendous embarrassment about, the keeping me awake type embarrassment but I can't do anything about it.

Can't remember the email I used then, can't delete it because I can't log in. I spent hours the other day, HOURS trying to log in but no. It's there forever and it's haunting me.

I went through those feelings in my 20s, as that’s when I started to grow up and calm down. I spent years looking back and cringing. I try not to think back too much now, but I’m also embarrassed about some of the sexual situations I got involved in, the bragging I did, the arguments and the general bad behaviour. I’m pretty straightlaced these days, and I think people would be surprised if they knew what I was like as a teenager. I’m just really glad I grew up before the days of the internet (well, the very early days of it before it was a big thing), camera phones and revenge porn etc. It must be very difficult for the teenagers now.
Honestly, most of us feel the same. You can reinvent yourself.

OP I often find it much harder to remember the bad stuff about myself than the good. I’m 40s and don’t have many friends.

I was neither a bully or bullied. I read about a bully who sought out the person that they had bullied to apologise. That person may have moved on or not from the bullying and might not want to engage. However you have done what you can to undo that bit of your past. (Maybe not something if you currently have MH issues as there might be an angry or rejecting response).

Also, I think it’s worth noting that loads of the women here are talking about feeling shame towards having sex or being ‘easy’ when they were younger, or cringe at trying to get men to like them by sleeping with them. I have never, ever heard a man express shame for having had sex when he was younger. It makes me sad that women are so hard on themselves. I remember very clearly trying to toe the line of not being a prude but not being seen as a slag - a burden placed solely on women. Hilariously, I managed to get a ‘reputation’ even though I was a virgin. I’d kissed a few boys. Didn’t matter that they’d also kissed me (and loads of other girls besides, and had sex), I was the one with the reputation. It’s absolute bullshit and I refuse to be embarrassed by it.

Don't be so hard on yourself op.