The Biggest Shitheap You’ve Driven?

[Smokeahontas]

Had this chat with a friend…I think most people have had an A to B at one stage, some worse than others. My highlights

The Corsa that had to be switched off in stationary traffic as it overheated & the passengers side window that would only wind down so far or else it came loose & fell off the rail

However, my £500 Clio with no power steering & questionable bodywork never let me down. 7 years I had it & it started first time every time.

What are your bangers?

My first car was an awesome old mini that would never start on a cold day. I was on first name terms with the breakdown people. Remember the days of choke and flooding the engine😍

My real heap of shit was a vauxhall vectra. Everything that could go wrong did, ended up with a key stuck in the drivers door and the central locking only worked when it wanted to so it was hit and miss, whether you could get in.

It also randomly cut out when sat at lights or junctions. Hated that car so much, have a lifelong grudge against vauxhall now🤣

Ford Escort mk2 it was white and had green boy racer stripes!

No power steering, and five different keys for each door and the ignition.

It was stolen 🤣 ended up in a police car park miles away, no oil,no petrol.
Started first time, filled it with petrol drove it home bloody loved that car!

First car was Peugeot 106 and the windscreen wipers would get stuck on each pass. I had to stick my hand out the window and tap them back on each swipe. Nearly killed me once in a blizzard driving one handed with a frozen arm out the window.
Sadly it died when something vital dropped out of the engine on the M54.

Either:
The Satsuma of Doom which was an old style brown/orange Corsa with no power steering, a dodgy petrol gauge and an engine that overheated the moment you paused.

Or

The Fiesta of Shite which had a knackered clutch, wouldn't start again if you parked it pointing uphill as it had an air leak in the fuel hose and on the journey home from the dodgy as fuck place that sold it to me a piece of window trim flew off.

Both were bought as stopgaps in emergencies and I got shot of them as soon as I could! 🤣

The next car was an ancient Vw polo that was the same colour as the green triangle in a tin of quality street... so I named her the green goddess

gear box failed on the m4, had to drive home in 3rd gear for what felt like hours

My first car was a seriously souped up loud exhaust metro except it was.missing the middle box! Had to bash the wires under the dash to start it. Eventually seized the engine as I knew nothing about oil and water requirements

A Vauxhall Chevette that was largely rust and steamed up unless the windows were open in the winter. I carried a metal bar in the boot to whack the starter motor to unjam it on the many occasions it jammed and so wouldn't start. It also broke down frequently - I learned a lot about car maintenance from it.

Peugeot 106 previously owned by my then boyfriend (now dh) and sold to me. "it always worked fine for me darling"

*Automatic choke worked backwards so it flooded when warm and starved when cold.
*Puddle in the foot well every time it rained.
*Liable to not start on very hot days.
*Liable to overheat in stationary traffic in warm weather.
*Secondary immobiliser key thing only worked 50%of the time.
*Clutch failed on its last journey to be traded in. I was stuck in 3rd gear all the way up the A20 and through Canterbury ring road stop start rush hour traffic.

We drove away from that dealership in my new car very very fast as we saw the salesman scratch his head trying to get the immobiliser to unlock so he could move the fucking thing...

My dad bought a Peugeot 504 in the early 1980s which broke down in the test drive. In fairness, he was a desperate man with a large amount of children to seat as cheap as possible. It broke many, many times over the 2 years he kept it.

I'm from Canada and drove a Plymouth Reliant all through the early nineties as a teen. We had to smack the dash to get the radio to work and tied the front passenger door shut after my sister smashed it.

I had a lada.

@WoodenReindeer

I had a lada.

My commiserations

Worst: Morris Marina 1300 - about 6 or 7 years old at the time. It sort of ran. It lived outside and the boot filled with water whenever there was heavy rain. It lacked any sense of being a vehicle - it was more a collection of parts that had some sort of loose association.

Second worst: Volvo 343 automatic. Built ok for the time but an absolutely appalling drive.

An Austin Metro that would routinely overheat. You had to put the heating on full blast to get it to cool down.

Comtessa - it was my first car amd so very loved.... but yes still a lada🤣. It had a giant stick and wheel a bit like how I imagine a bus is to drive. Nothing at all like cars today!

@Fifilafrog

Oh gosh, a few when I was a student. A Renault 5 that was like the flintstones car, it had holes in the footwells where it had rusted through and the carpets were always soaking. Made de-misting in the mornings a very arduous task. Another Renault 5. This time a GT turbo. Looked amazing but would randomly accelerate at full throttle for no apparent reason. The only way to stop it was to switch it off!! Death trap that one! An escort that used to boil over onto your feet periodically and the wipers would get tangled up when it rained. A Peugeot GTi. Another beautiful car and mechanically sound but the previous owner kept bloodhounds. In hindsight I reckon they used it as a kennel as it really REALLY smelt awful. Summer was the worst 🤢🤮.

Oh my god, did you not shit yourself when it randomly accelerated?! I’d have soiled myself!

@LadyFlumpalot

Either: The Satsuma of Doom which was an old style brown/orange Corsa with no power steering, a dodgy petrol gauge and an engine that overheated the moment you paused.

Or

The Fiesta of Shite which had a knackered clutch, wouldn't start again if you parked it pointing uphill as it had an air leak in the fuel hose and on the journey home from the dodgy as fuck place that sold it to me a piece of window trim flew off.

Both were bought as stopgaps in emergencies and I got shot of them as soon as I could! 🤣

The Satsuma of Doom glad it wasn’t just my Corsa that overheated!

A Renault 5 tc (total crap). Broke down every 5 minutes. Lost count of the amount of times I had to be towed home. Local scrap yard actually gave me a discount card because I spent so much time in there!

Also a vauxhall nova with a leaky sunroof and petrol gauge that didn't work. Was a lottery whether I was going to make my destination or not most days.

My friend's dad sold me what turned out to be a cut and shut VW Polo (I only found this out when I wanted to trade it in). The signs were there though. There was a great big Garfield sticker on the passenger side dashboard which turned out to be concealing a crack which ran right down to the footwell. The electrics were scarily unpredictable and left me stranded a few times. I remember the dipped headlights failing as I drove home along some dark country roads. I had a choice between full beams and side lights, so I was either blinding oncoming drivers or nearly driving into a hedge. It was like some bizarre video game challenge.

The car was never out of the garage as every time one set of wires was sorted, another one went. Weirdly, I persevered with it for some time as I liked how it drove. The engine was sound, just crappy electrics.

I loved my really old nissan micra.

I never had any problem. Once I had to replace the battery. That car was great.

It was also really good in the countryside- and going through ditches. And very good in snow.

Had to give it up once the kids came along- it was a 3 door. But I wont ever forget that car.

The Satsuma of Doom

LMAO

Oh I've had quite a few. I had a mk1 golf convertible in the early 00's that on paper should have been pretty cool. The reality was that it was an absolute heap of shit that used to overheat so badly I'd have to drive with the heaters on full blast in the summer to try and cool the engine down. It would regularly conk out when you came to a stop, it liked to fuck with me at roundabouts a lot. Some times I could persuade it to restart and sometimes not. The clutch cable snapped on me as I was driving over a bridge once. The windscreen wipers would intermittently stop working. I once had to pull over on the motorway for a good couple of hours in torrential rain. It leaked, it rattled, the handbrake snapped, Ugh it was a bloody pain in the arse

Mazda 323 that needed a clothes peg on the choke to hold it open or it would stall. Plus back doors that you couldn't open because all the rubber seals would fall off. It had more pink fibreglass filler on the wheel arches than metal.

A Mark 3 Ford Escort that had to be driven in wellies as there was so much water in the footwell due to rotting bodywork under the windscreen/wiper motor area. Plus the accelerator would stick so it would rev like mad unless you put your foot under it to pull it back up quickly.

A Rover convertible 216 that, when I washed it too vigorously, whole body panels would fall off, like a wing or something.

Today - a land rover defender - on an off road driving course. Man it was a bag of shit.

My first car was a D Reg Ford Escort with no bumper and a hole the size of my head in the exhaust. You could hear it coming a mile off! I had to drive at all times with the heating on full blast so it didn’t overheat, the windscreen wipers got stuck at the top as per PP so you had to push them down each time, the lights would go off every so often and wouldn’t go back on for 5 minutes or so, it had a hole in the roof so I drilled a hole in the floor too so it went straight through, one of the back windows used to slip down while you drove and you had to lock each door individually although funnily enough I rarely bothered.

He was called Basil - I loved that car!