My toxic brother has asked my 18-yr-old to be executor to his will

[TooToxic]

My family is toxic and I am NC with my father. I was abused as a child. Mum died when I was 21 and DB was 16.

I’m in low contact with my brother who is as he sides with my dad. Sadly he’s turning out to be abusive and nasty himself & I pulled him up on it at Christmas. He’s divorced and how he parents his 2 little DDs is awful. We fell out & I decided we should limit our contact further.

Since then, he has secretly contacted my 18 year old DD and asked her to be executor to his will. She is at university. She agreed to do it, but on gentle enquiry, doesn’t really understand what it entails.

How can I manage this, please? I am so boiled up inside, I can’t function.

I texted my exh and asked him for moral support. Whilst DD is mature and sensible, I think it’s a highly inappropriate thing to ask a young person to do. He had previously asked me to do it, but he’s had to change his will lately due to splitting with a partner & selling the house they bought together.

My DD is naive to what the task could entail. There could be complicated tax affairs & complications about the care of my 2 nieces. The way in which this has been done, to undermine me (and given the history, I am not misinterpreting that) is highly upsetting to me.

I think he may have some personality problems. He refuses any counselling or therapy to help him with his complicated grief response around our mother’s death, 25 years ago. This is to give context. He plays the victim in every walk of life, still posting stuff about her on Instagram, etc. While, in a way, he “is” the victim, I’m not happy about how he uses this to excuses a catalogue of bad & toxic behaviours, including this. He has also undermined my parenting decisions with my other child.

He has had cancer twice, and naturally I’m highly sorry for him & wish him a long life, but to involve my family in his affairs in this way is upsetting.

Does anyone have any ideas, please? Shall I ignore him? Or should I talk with him about it?

Sorry about the typos, I’m so upset over it.

I agree with you that it's highly inappropriate for him to ask your dd to do this. Is it too late for her to say no? He can name a solicitor as executor, it doesn't need to be a family member.

Executors can always decline to act including after death, there is a form to submit to the probate office to officially resign from being an executor.
If you can get your exh on board you could message brother and say something like neither exh or I feel dd will have the time and capacity to handle your will, both from the finance side and doing the right thing for our nieces. We would support dd to officially decline to act as executor in the event of your death.
, either it’s all left to the other executor then or if she was the only one I have no idea what happens. Given this you might be better off finding someone with a bit more experience, up to you.

You could contact him and explain dd doesn't feel ready to take that on. Or leave it and if she ever does have to fulfil the role support her to do it.

My friend's son was appointed executor for his grandmother when he was 19. He was honoured. His grandmother hasn't died yet but is getting on. He takes his responsibilities seriously. You can talk to your daughter about it but this is a grown up thing she's agreed to do for him so I think you should tread carefully in trying to talk her out if it. You don't want to give her the impression that she's not capable. Of course if she feels like she's been pressured into it, that's a different thing. Is it likely he'll be dying soon? Surely the mother of your nieces will sort out their care if he does die?

Why not just leave it alone?
If he lives a long life, he will either rewrite his will or your DD will be mature enough to handle the paperwork.
If he lives a short life, your DD can either (a) decline the position or
(b) ask you for help with the paperwork.
This will give you access to your nieces and perhaps you can then foster them or help choose a stable family.

Exactly what @GeorgiaGirl52 said. Don't let it stress you. Your dd might be happy to do it when the time comes, or she can decline and pass it to a solicitor. Just forget about it for now.

I mean this as gently as possible, but I think you need to take a step back and calm down slightly. This does not strike me as a personal attack.

Given you and he have had a falling out and have little contact, it makes sense to remove you as an executor, which naturally means finding another. It is in many ways actually a compliment to you, that he trusts your dd in this position. Plus from the description you have given of your family, your dd is his nearest trustworthy adult relation, with whom he is in contact and thus a natural choice.

Your dd is an adult, therefore he hasn't 'secretly' been in contact with her - he's merely been in contact with her, as adults are fully entitled to do without any need to let their parents know.

That your dd has agreed to fulfill a role without understanding what it entails is really on her, though yes she remains young, so yes I'd help her to understand what's involved, and if she thinks it necessary, I'd support her to contact your brother to let him know she's not comfortable in the role. Though of course as others have said, him naming her as executor does not commit her to the position, she can decline it as and when the need arises.

I wouldn't do anything . DD can just go along with it at the moment, and avoid any drama. If / when he dies, she may be much older and able to deal with the job, or if she isn't, she just declines at that point . Sometimes it's best to just let things slide, and deal with them later.

@GeorgiaGirl52

Why not just leave it alone? If he lives a long life, he will either rewrite his will or your DD will be mature enough to handle the paperwork. If he lives a short life, your DD can either (a) decline the position or (b) ask you for help with the paperwork. This will give you access to your nieces and perhaps you can then foster them or help choose a stable family.

This would be my advice too.

It’s entirely understandable you’re having an emotional reaction to this, but it’s really important to separate your feelings from the actual practical concerns here - this is not a crisis.

Support your DD to do the right thing whenever that is needed but don’t interfere right now as no good will come of creating an issue over what is currently just a future annoyance.

Ignore him entirely and speak to your daughter. Properly and unequivocally.
Explain the consequences and why you don't want it for her. Explain he is toxic and using her to get at you. Explain she owes him nothing and a solicitor can execute.

I had similar happen to me. our fucking toxic much older aunt asked me to go to a solicitor "just to witness a document" at 22 years old.
Like an idiot I took half a day off work to do it and when I got there she wanted me to be executor of her will and guardian of her son (my profundity disabled then 30 year old cousin who hasnt lived at home since he was 11 and needs 24 hour care with 2 male carers at all times due to his strength/violent out bursts)
My mother was there too as a "witness" ie. Co-executor of will but not guardian.

The solicitor looked deeply uncomfortable when it became clear what was going on.
I was too shocked to say anything but had the sense to get up to " use the bathroom" where I was trying to Google it while my mum garbled on minimising it from the other side of the door.
My mother didn't want to cause a scene and insisted I sign as my cousin would probably die before me so it was fine.

I was upset and distressed to the point the solicitor wouldn't proceed. Aunt was furious. My people pleasing mother was frantic and as usual more concerned about about everyone else (including the poor solicitor ) than me (I only come one above herself who is always last)

In the end my DB who was 18 was talked into guardianship

The whole thing was disgraceful. Protect your DD

It's not always an honour to be executor of a will, it can be a fucking arse ache if the person was irresponsible in life.

At 18 though she will have to drop him a message and say she's changed her mind and you have to prepare her for the abuse she might receive as a result. Hope she hasn't signed anything?

@CaMePlaitPas

It's not always an honour to be executor of a will, it can be a fucking arse ache if the person was irresponsible in life.

At 18 though she will have to drop him a message and say she's changed her mind and you have to prepare her for the abuse she might receive as a result. Hope she hasn't signed anything?

If someone appoints you as executor to their will, you don't sign anything. It's their wish, but the person they wish for doesn't have to agree in writing. It's not a legal obligation. (Sorry, that was written so clunkily, it's early!).

Thank you. I realise I need to separate my emotions from this. I am calmer now.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. Some horrible things there

I do recognise that it is my DD’s decision. He has taken advantage of the fact she’s only just over 18. DD is headstrong. Any talking it over with her could backfire, and makes me seem paranoid or defensive. Indeed, I am defending her! But I don’t want to undermine her ability to hold responsibility.

I do believe the secrecy is toxic - someone asked about that. He’s doing it behind my bank to keep my children involved in his toxicity, as he knows I detach from it. Have chosen to live far away from him. There is a history of sex abuse from my dad to me, and my dad encourages him to do things like this. They are both undermining me in any way possible, and this act is one of those “gestures” as he knows that I can’t prevent my Dd from making her decisions.

I don’t think my DD has signed anything yet. She needs to be made aware that this could be a time-consuming thing to take on, and that it could involve some complications. She might choose to live in, say, Australia, when she’s older. What if he were to die in 30 years’ time? She would have to come back. She may not wish to sign up for this.

My DB always believes he will die young, given the 2 bouts of cancer. Regardless of this, it is about the naivety of my DD that irks me. Preying on naivety has the hallmarks of an abuser. Sadly, I know I’m not overreacting as this is the way abusive families like mine operate.

I’ve texted exh. Maybe he could inform DD & discuss these inappropriate nature of this with my DB. Neither of us wants more toes than necessary with my toxic family. It is in my role to protect my daughter from these toxic politics.

I was also thinking of somehow raising awareness in my DD of what this entails: making tax decisions, estate, care of her cousins. She is totally unaware. Could be a useful life lesson, too.

I will not contact my brother, as I think the maintained distance is healthiest.

Sorry - yes, “sign” in the metaphorical sense, as executors don’t have to sign anything. They just agree & their details are put in the will.

That’s a point. My dad doesn’t know my address. Hmm there are quite a lot of implications.

Argh there are so many typos in my reply!
Ties with my family, not toes!

Is there any money in the estate? If so, your DD can just appoint a solicitor to act for her when DB dies. The advice is not to set up a solicitor as executor in the will because if they aren’t acting effectively they are very hard to remove. A solicitor who has been instructed by a family member executor can be replaced more easily.

How likely is he to die soon? She likely won't have to do anything at all until she's much older. Is she the sole executor? Usually there are two.

You're way overthinking this. If she moves to Australia she can just renounce (give up the executorship after he dies) or appoint a solicitor to deal with the estate for her. It's honestly not the big deal you're worrying about.

You are worrying unnecessarily. When he dies she’ll be older and be able to decline then if she wants, or she may want to do it, it’s not always that onerous - maybe she’s going to be a beneficiary. You can talk to her about it and maybe tell her why you are estranged from this brother.

Her agreeing to this isn’t legally binding, as in she won’t be forced to carry it out if she changes her mind. If she lives in Australia or doesn’t have time to commit to it she can just pass it to the solicitor to do. I do think you’re overthinking this, especially as he could live a great many more years by which time she will be older and have a better understanding of the things you think she’s too young to understand like tax etc.

This is classic triangulation from an abuser.

Does your DD have any understanding of how abusers work? Those PP who are saying you're over-reacting clearly don't! Your brother has clearly recognised your young adult daughter is no longer legally under your protection and sees her as a soft option.

The best you can do is support her and help her understand the importance of personal boundaries- she doesn't have to do this, just because she was asked by a relative. She doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do - an important life skill.

As long as your dd understands that when the time comes she doesn’t actually have to do it then I honestly think the best thing is just to ignore this. Maybe he is trying to control /provoke you but I would still just ignore it for now and when he does support your dd.

Unless he's in bad health I wouldn't be overly concerned, he's obviously doing his will hence asking but he can change it once his dc are adults. He's actually being responsible doing a Will!

I agree ignore it. My brother has been a co executor of numerous wills for elderly relatives. Every single time one of the other named executors has declined it and he’s done it on his own. So there is certainly that option at the time.